It may be frustrating to have been working so hard here and not yet be done, Korneliusz. But much has been accomplished. The rest will come.
I have frustration since many years, so it's nothing new.
Yes, I feel like I can't communicate, sth is blocking me, misguiding.
I don't think that much has been accomplished. I don't feel any change at all.
Just like I said some time before, I had experience with psychodelic seeds. I was lying on a bed, with a pain, both physical nad mental, in stomach, I was anxious, restless, my body was making many nervous-like tics, moves. I was at some point of fear or something, I had thoughts about killing myself probably, I had anxious thoughts about my life, very anxious physically because of this substances working in my body, troubling myself, whether I should "go to psychiatric clinic or just go insane?"( because I was depressed for so long and didn't see any future, any possibility, I didn't want to learn, there was no work that I would be satisfied with and even able to do). I was probably at some point speaking aloud to myself. And somehow this anxiousness, body frustration with some self-destruction feelings, maybe fear, dissolved. I had this "psychiatric clinic or go insane" in my mind, and somehow something disappeared, like I was talking aloud to myself, but it was like more empty inside. I jumped out from my bed, and went to other room and I saw my face in the mirror. It was somehow different. Something changed. I came closer and closer to the mirror, to the point where I touched the mirror with my nose, and there was that big difference. I laughed. I felt somehow free from that uneased, uncomfortable, with complexes, personality. Lying in a bathtub I felt what now I can only try to describe as big hole in my head. And yeah, there was no frustrating gut feeling, maybe some pleasant, light (not heavy) warmth in there instead. And I laughed, very laughed about things that I read, about osho, and meditating to become enlightened. And when I passed people on the street, had no negative feelings inside me projecting on them.
But it wasn't any realisation,no no-self realisation. I had doubts still, there wasn't any confidence, seeing-trough-illusion, about "the reality" or something.
This sounds like there are two, one referring to the other. I am not sure what you mean here. Is there an 'I' who refers to the human being? What is this like, to refer to Korneliusz as 'the human?'. When you recognized this, how did it feel?
I didn't recognize anything, just intellect it is. a concept. Like fitting to your questions, maybe. I think that there should be some kind of clarity, confidence, but it's more like I"m struggling when answering.
What did you experience when you first realized there was no self, no me? And how did you first realize it? We know you are not a 'robot'... so there must be feelings and gut sensations that happen. Do/did they happen anytime during these insights? If so, please tell me about them.
this "no self" phrase doesn't point to anything I've experienced.
It's like that if you say about no-self, I will "see" it, I will adjust- I only change content of my thoughts.
Is there a 'who' who doesn't see?
still empty words for me, nothing inside me responds to that. You could write "fdfsdfs dada 33 fddd ?", and it probably would feel the same to me.
Really, I can give up here, if only you say this won't work on me now. Maybe I should, you would have some time saved or something. It's like everything I can say would be pointless, like shooting in the feet instead of shooting in the target.
