Sarah – thanks for your patience here.
Much appreciated!
I have done a lot of looking, and wow – I seem to be identifying much less with negative emotions, sensations, and thoughts.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No – there is not a separate entity.
Thoughts arise and fall away.
Sensations arise and fall away.
Feelings arise and fall away.
Awareness arises and falls away.
When I look, I can see all of these things arising and falling away. Sometimes there is a THOUGHT that there is this collecting mechanism called “I” that “has” all of these things that arise, but that is just another THOUGHT, and every time I look, there is no thing called an “I” that can be found by looking. There never was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
As I see it now, this is how the illusion of the separate self works from my experience:
1) a sensation of contraction in the stomach or chest that arises, that then is interpreted by thought as something happening to “me” or “I”, sometimes followed by the arising of emotion.
So – for example - I wake up in the middle of the night, the sensation of contraction occurs in my stomach, the thought arises “I” feel bad. Additional thoughts arise describing why I feel bad, that are totally made up, such as some situation at work, like the guy being fired. Sometimes emotions arise after the thoughts – such as anger or anxiety.
Now I watch each one of these things arise and dissipate in the moment. The arising of the sensation. The arising of thought jumping in to interpret and label the sensation, even erroneously. Emotion arising. When I look (figure of speech) I cannot find an actual “I” there – only sensations arising, thoughts arising, and emotions arising. For some reason, when I look at each of these things, the sensations, thoughts, and emotions seem to dissipate much more quickly than before.
2) the thought of “I” having something
This is an interesting thought, the thought of ownership. When one looks one can’t find the owner of all of this phenomena. The sensations, they arise and they dissipate. The thoughts – they arise and they dissipate. The emotions – they arise and they dissipate. The awareness – arises and dissipates. The thought there is “an owner who has them” is just a thought, and can’t actually be found. There is the habit of thinking that the “body” has the sensations or the “mind” has the thoughts, but that is like saying “the ocean” has the water….which is just a thought that implies ownership where none actually can be found – does ocean own the drops of water? Does the mirror own the reflection? No – of course not, and in the same way “I” have the “phenomena” but that is habit of thought.
In the same way, sometimes there is the thought of “me” or “my mind” having thoughts or emotions or sensations (including thoughts/emotions/sensations that are labeled positive as well as negative). But in the same way, the “me” doesn’t have or own anything, it’s not even there, it is label, a thought container, like the ocean, created by thought, to hold the drops of water.
3) the thought of “me” being in here and “others” out there
Sometimes there is the thought of “me” being inside my body and separate from others. When I look with my senses though, there is not this separate. When I look with my sense of sight, all is one – images just arising and falling away, and there is no “me” to be found. When I look with my sense of hearing – there it is all happening, and there is no “me” that is separate. Same with the other senses. And labeling from thought appears along with those senses, and the emotions as well
4) the illusion of control
(you asked about this in a question below so I will answer it there)
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Everything is less sticky…less emotional - less anxiety about everything - seems to arise and dissipate more rapidly, or not arise as strongly. For example, situations that normally would have resulted in anger or insult just kind of passed by like clouds.
Examples:
1) That employee firing situation. That situation that I mentioned in an earlier thread happened, and I was able to remain incredibly relaxed throughout out the whole thing, while at the same time, still being compassionate.
2) My wife arguing with me – I listen, and smile, and don’t get sucked into the emotions. Wow – this is huge! I am able to remain more peaceful, and when uncomfortable emotions or thoughts arise, I just look really closely and they dissipate rapidly.
3) Here is an incredible situation. I was traveling to a foreign country with my family and I got sick with a difficult case of “montezumas revenge” this past week – 6 straight days of it. Normally in that kind of situation I would have been a physical, emotional, and mental wreck – getting sucked into negative thoughts and emotions associated with the undesirable sensations and generally making things worse for everyone around me. Despite a situation that my thoughts definitely label as “unpleasant”, I handled it very well, and managed to participate in almost every activity with my family to the point where they were marveling at how well I was handling things. I honestly enjoyed myself despite the sickness. Of course, I realize that there is no “me” or “I” to “handle” anything – the point is I saw that unpleasant sensations were arising and falling, and saw unpleasant thoughts arising and disappearing, and saw some negative thoughts and emotions arising, and dissipating - but there was no “I” to “have” any of those things, so they all seemed to arise and fall away with much less stickiness, and the end result was a great family vacation.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I had the thought that I was sick of all this seeking, which inspired me to try something different.
But then, once I started looking I didn’t really understand “how” to look! – I didn’t know what questions to ask! Even from reading the books and the app and website I wasn't able to inquire in the right way to see that I didn't exist.
That’s where you came in – Thank you so much Sarah!
5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
I still have a habit of thought that I make things happen. This thought still has some stickiness for me. It is still a strong habit, which seems to be reinforced by society (and of course, "society" is another container word/thought used to contain people – hahaha!)
But then I look, and I see that “I” is a container, or a thought, or a label, that is used - just like the word ocean to contain the drops of water, or the mirror to contain the reflection, society to contain people. Is the ocean making the water happen? Is the mirror making the reflection happen? Is the society making the people? No – of course not. Just like “I” am not making the events happen. Life is happening.
6) Anything to add?
Wow!
Cool!
….and at the same time,
so what? – this is nothing new, this is no big deal, this has always been here!
Thank you Sarah!
-Bob
