Anxiety, Doubt and Excitement, but I'd like to try

[Blacklight]

Hi Nona,

Check it: are the construction workers the impediment to clear awareness? or it is the expectation of what should be that is the impediment to clear awareness?

I'm in my girlfriend's flat, so I can't check with the construction workers.

Again I ask, is there an actual self at all? or only a story of an I that is believed? Check it!!

This question is coming up a lot during the day. In direct experience no entity 'I' could be found, only thoughts that refer to it and a body that seems familiar (i.e. the sensations that come up don't trigger surprise). So no, from the observations made there is no evidence for an actual self. Still, when there is little awareness the story is believed to be true. Maybe there is the false expectation that another thought will contradict the "I" thought, but that might just not happen as the absence of something cannot be observed.

Martin

[nonaparry]

Dear Martin,

from the observations made there is no evidence for an actual self.

Good. This is Direct Experience: observations, evidence.

Still, when there is little awareness the story is believed to be true. Maybe there is the false expectation that another thought will contradict the "I" thought

Maybe is not found anywhere in direct experience. Check it! In direct experience, sensation is or is not; no maybe.

To see through the illusion of self you will find it necessary to bypass thinking about your experience and go straight for what exactly is being experienced in the present moment. We call this experience-without-the-thoughts-about-it 'Direct Experience'. Seeing with the eyes, hearing with the ears, feeling with the skin, smelling with the nose, tasting with the tongue. Sensation, before it is judged and labeled, is direct experience.

Maybe there is the false expectation that another thought will contradict the "I" thought

That would still be a thought, not tangible evidence one way or the other.
So far, I have never known anyone to see through the illusion of a separate self by Thinking About it. Every person who has seen it here has had to shift focus from Thinking About it to noticing what is happening in reality here and now: Direct Experience.

I invite you to check exactly what you are experiencing in any given moment, and LOOK to see if there is an "I" anywhere to be experienced.

The absence of something cannot be seen in direct experience. What happens is that there is seeing of the place where the object stood and quickly flashing mental images of the place with the object that's standing there. The difference is perceived as "missing".

Mental images = thought. The perception of a difference that you mention is only in thought. Check it! There is no such thing as direct experience of something "missing".

We'll work more on direct experience tomorrow; I'm feeling knackered.

love
Nona

[Blacklight]

Hi Nona,

I tried to stay with body sensations today and did the body volume exercise again. In some moments there was a brief and a little unclear perception of just the sensation before the mental image of the body part arrives. I will try to get a clearer perception of this tomorrow.
Apart from that there's not much to report.

Which exercise should I do tomorrow?

Have a good night!
Martin

[nonaparry]

Hi Martin,

The task I'm setting you is to move Focus from your Thoughts About what is going on, to actually Noticing what is going on. Why? Because no one SEEs through the illusion of a separate self through THINKing about it. The exercises I have already given you are excellent for this shift in focus. I invite you to do them again and again! Each time you put your foot into the river, it's a whole new river; and each time you do these exercises, it is with an entirely new perception!

As you go about your day, check exactly what you are experiencing directly in any given moment. What events in your day are not simply happening, on auto-pilot?

Why don't you write out for me what happened in your day. Pay special attention to the sensations that informed you that events were happening.
For example, I notice the pressure of the fingertips on the keyboard as this message is typing itself. Then I notice vision is happening, too; there is a direct view of the laptop monitor with black squiggles seeming to appear on the screen. [Notice how focus has shifted from physical sensation of fingers to sight.] In peripheral view there is a coffee mug, a pair of spectacles, and some papers, bits of a table and the arms, chest, lap and legs of a body. As focus shifts to body, suddenly it is noticed that breathing is happening.
There is no "I/self/me" being experienced at all. No sensations or feelings or thoughts that inform me of any controller or director of what is happening.

Now it's your turn. Describe for me exactly what is happening, in your direct experience, in this moment now.

love
Nona

[Blacklight]

Hi Nona,

I feel the buttocks on the chair and the back leaning against the backrest. The back feels warm. I screen with many redish colors, a whitish rectangle in the middle, black lines that form letters and one straight black line blinking. I feel pressure at the finger tips as the fingers type the message. In the visual periphery there is a window with a view on a grey sky outside. I hear breathing as there is no thoughts coming up and no movement/typing of the fingers. A spoken thought "When I type the situation has changed already and I'm describing the past". There is a slight burning sensation that is associated with the eyes. The image of the monitor is flickering a little. Focus shifts to the body and there are sensations of tightness/contraction coming from the belly region. The feet just lifted to move the body into a different sitting position. There is a pressure in the upper front part of the head. Fingers touch the keyboard. I feel pulsating in the facial skin and the teeth. A short spoken thought whose content is already lost. Fingers moving up and down, a thought "I'm not sure what to write". Hearing of a colleague in the next room. Mental images of colleagues. Half-finished thought "when will I get this". Breating in, breathing out, hearing the colleague. Seeing my colleague enter the room. Colleague talked to me. In some occasions there was awareness of speaking happening by itself, sometimes even without a perceived thought before. The bigger part of the chat there was little awareness though.
Slightly painful pressure in the upper front region of the head. Fingers typing. Waiting for something to happen. Slight headache. Attention shifts to the body, there is a slight choking in the throat. Quick mental images rushing through. Spoken thoughts. Waiting for something to happen. Feeling the eyes burning. Closing the eyes. Choking is getting more intense, slight nausea. Eye muscles relaxing. Chewing a chewing gum. Fingers resting on keyboard. Looking at the lake at the background of the forum. Looking at the clock. Mental image of observer sitting in front of a TV watching football. Half-finished spoken thoughts. Eyes flickering and burning. Feeling pressure at the finger tips while the fingers type interleaved with spoken thoughts that say the words that then get typed. Teeth clenched. Seeing a pidgeon fly by in the periphery. Chewing chewing gum. Reading your text below. Letters and words are being recognized. Spoken thought "I'm not reading the content, I'm only seeing the words". Spoken thought with Nona's voice "Noone THINKs through the illusion, you have to SEE through it". Seeing room is now darker, monitor is very bright in contrast. Mental image of observer switching on a light. Chewing chewing gum. Tasting sweetness of chewing gum. Hearing in-breath, feeling expansion of the chest. Hearing out-breath. Waiting for something to happen. Feeling a downward pull at the back and the buttocks. Half-finished spoken thoughts. Feeling swallowing. Feeling teeth clenched. Mental image of the Email client. Painful pressure in the head contracts and intensifies in a point. Dissolves there, an overall pressure in the head remains. Spoken thought "is there anyone controlling this?". Feeling fingers move on the touchpad. Looking at the graphical forms of an open window on the computer. Spoken thoughts with someone else's voice "just don't put your attention on thought." Smiling. Thinking "self-contradiction". Smiling. Feeling tension in the belly region. Feeling teeth clenched. Seeing monitor. Thinking "there is less thinking about the seeing". Smiling. Mental image of Nona smiling. Mental image of Nona with angry face. Hearing in-breath, feeling expansion of the chest. Head falling to the right. Feeling strain in neck. Seeing text scroll through in another window. Feeling contraction in the belly. Rereading your post. Thinking "Should I write about what happened during the day as well?". Thinking "No, this is memory, not direct experience". Watching text scroll through. Mind shortly attaching to a visual memory of numbers. Half-finished spoken thoughts. Chewing chewing gum. Feeling fingers rest on the keyboard. Feeling fingers type. Moving fingers over the touchpad. Putting head on the hand. Feeling a heaviness in the upper legs. Thinking "I need to leave". Feeling fingers on the keyboard. Thinking "when I think, should I write the content of thoughts or only 'thinking'". Feeling a slight stabbing in the shoulders. Thinking "I really need to leave". Seeing hands on the keyboard moving by themselves. Mental image of a spider. Awareness was gone for 2 minutes. Body in the mean time got up, turned on the light, turned it off again, returned to seat. Hearing colleague coming in. Hearing glass bing and colleague talking. Seeing text scroll through in another window. Feeling tightness in the belly. Feeling teetch clenched. Feeling pulsating pressure in the upper part of the head.
Thinking "There is no self being experienced. Everything is happening by itself. Why do "I" even care? Who am I?" Fingers typing by themselves. Mental image of colleague leaving the office. Hearing fans of computers. Half-finished spoken thoughts. Head put on hand. Hand sliding off to type. Head coming upright again. Thinking "I really need to leave". Feeling pulsating in the belly and chest. Feeling heart beat. Hand reaching out for bottle of water. Drinking. Swallowing.

Martin

[nonaparry]

Dearest Martin,

Seeing hands on the keyboard moving by themselves.

Yes. Is there anything that happens NOT by itself? Anything at all?

Awareness was gone for 2 minutes. Body in the mean time got up, turned on the light, turned it off again, returned to seat.

Was awareness really gone? If it was, how do you know?
When body rose, turned on and off a light, and sat again, was there any "I" in control of it? At all? Or did these movements just happen, as part of Life living itself?

Hand reaching out for bottle of water. Drinking. Swallowing.

Is there an "I" in control of this? Or does it just happen, without a Reach-er, a Drink-er, a Swallow-er? Check it.

Re-read your description. Did any of what happened require an I, a self, a me, in order to show up in your experience?? Or does Life just happen, without assistance from a label?

Really LOOK.

love
Nona

[Blacklight]

Hi Nona,

Yes. Is there anything that happens NOT by itself? Anything at all?
...
Is there an "I" in control of this? Or does it just happen, without a Reach-er, a Drink-er, a Swallow-er? Check it.

I've been watching whenever possible, and when awareness was high enough nothing that was experienced did not happen by itself. At the moment this can mostly be seen for simple repetitive bodily movements like walking, eating, typing, sometimes also for talking. It is less perceived with hearing and seeing and in general when doing intellectually demanding things like programming.

Was awareness really gone? If it was, how do you know?
When body rose, turned on and off a light, and sat again, was there any "I" in control of it? At all? Or did these movements just happen, as part of Life living itself?

Hmm, good question. Awareness has this feeling of being present, knowing where one is and which sensations are arising. When getting up and moving to turn on and off the light, there was mostly thought and movement happening by itself and a kind of "waking up" at the end when sitting down. From memory, this waking up was a rising of awareness and a mental replay of what just had happened.

Re-read your description. Did any of what happened require an I, a self, a me, in order to show up in your experience?? Or does Life just happen, without assistance from a label?

No, there is no I required to "pull in" sensations from the outside, sensations come into awareness all by themselves. Eyes can be shut so that the visual field is dark, but still there is seeing. Same thing for hearing.
Thinking "but there has to be at least an observer to notice". Feeling into the body. Thinking "but this does not have to be a constant entity that is in control".
I'll try to sit for a while with this, the truth is still covered by thoughts...

Martin

[nonaparry]

Hi Martin,

PAY Attention!!!!

I've been watching whenever possible, and when awareness was high enough nothing that was experienced did not happen by itself. At the moment this can mostly be seen for simple repetitive bodily movements like walking, eating, typing, sometimes also for talking. It is less perceived with hearing and seeing and in general when doing intellectually demanding things like programming.

You are not being asked to perceive; just to SEE what is actually happening in Life! Progaramming is NOT intellectually more demanding than walking. Just LOOK. Does a Programmer come running in from the wings to take over when programming is required?? Or is what really happens that Life just happens and sometimes it's programming and other times it's not? Check it!

Awareness has this feeling of being present,

No; awareness has no feeling of being present. Awareness IS being present. "Feeling of" is a thought about what is being experienced. Check it! Is there any such thing in direct experience as a "feeling OF" being present?

From memory, this waking up was a rising of awareness and a mental replay of what just had happened.

"Mental replay" is a description of a memory, and all memory actually happens NOW, in this instant. No memory is actually a replay of a previous happening; it is a story of what is believed to have happened in a past that only exists in the present moment. Check it!

Thinking "but there has to be at least an observer to notice"

One of the last Big Lies! In fact, noticing happens just as part of Life life-ing; no observer comes dashing in from the sidelines to LOOK at what is happening. No observer is necessary at all. Check it!

Thinking "but this does not have to be a constant entity that is in control".

There is no entity that is "in control" at all. None, zero, zilch. Check it!! No control is had period.

the truth is still covered by thoughts...

No it's not. Your habit of Thinking instead of Observing leads you to believe this, but it's a lie. Thoughts cannot cover anything. If you were to take all the thoughts you have and place them in a basket, what would you SEE?
Nothing.
You would see nothing at all.
Thoughts are just thoughts. Only your laziness prevents you from seeing that thoughts have no impact at all on what is really happening in Life.
LOOK! Stop Thinking! and just LOOK with the eyes in the head! WHAT is actually happening? Is there a "you" in the present moment, doing the observing and the acting at all?

Don't sit! LOOK!

Yours truly,
Nona

[Blacklight]

Hello Nona,

PAY Attention!!!!

Nona, I'm trying... Whenever there is awareness I try to LOOK with my eyes at what's there.

No; awareness has no feeling of being present. Awareness IS being present. "Feeling of" is a thought about what is being experienced. Check it! Is there any such thing in direct experience as a "feeling OF" being present?

No, there is such thing as a "feeling of" in direct experience.
Direct Experience: Choking in the throat, feeling nausea, contractions in the belly region. No "feeling of" being present, just being present. Sitting, hands resting on the keyboard.Thoughts passing by, forgotten. Unknowing, fear. Choking, breathing in, tension in the chest. Resistance against the tension. Headache. Seeing fingers on keyboard. Pressure in fingertips. Seeing belly rise and fall with the breath. Hearing voices, mental images of young men with bottles. Seeing belly rise and fall. Teeth clenched. Rereading what was written. Seeing belly rise and fall. No breather there. Inner voice talking, fingers not typing. Seeing fingers type. "No Typer there?" "Who is typing?".
Seeing white wall. Seeing brighter and darker zones moving on the white. Attention focused on the brighter and darker zones. Belly contracting. Fingers typing. Shaking coming up. Reaction of tensing in arms, chest, belly, upper legs. Shaking passed, coming back again. Eyes unresting, making small fast movements.

"Mental replay" is a description of a memory, and all memory actually happens NOW, in this instant. No memory is actually a replay of a previous happening; it is a story of what is believed to have happened in a past that only exists in the present moment. Check it!

Yes, this is what I meant to express.

Nona, when you say LOOK, do you mean only look with the eyes? Or does LOOK stand for looking, feeling, hearing, smelling, touching, tasting?

Martin

[nonaparry]

Dearest Martin,

PAY Attention!!!!

Nona, I'm trying... Whenever there is awareness I try to LOOK with my eyes at what's there.

What do you mean when you write "whenever there is awareness"? In your direct experience, is there ever not-awareness?

Direct Experience: Choking in the throat, feeling nausea, contractions in the belly region. No "feeling of" being present, just being present. Sitting, hands resting on the keyboard.Thoughts passing by, forgotten. Unknowing, fear. Choking, breathing in, tension in the chest. Resistance against the tension. Headache. Seeing fingers on keyboard. Pressure in fingertips. Seeing belly rise and fall with the breath. Hearing voices, mental images of young men with bottles. Seeing belly rise and fall. Teeth clenched. Rereading what was written. Seeing belly rise and fall. No breather there. Inner voice talking, fingers not typing. Seeing fingers type. "No Typer there?" "Who is typing?".
Seeing white wall. Seeing brighter and darker zones moving on the white. Attention focused on the brighter and darker zones. Belly contracting. Fingers typing. Shaking coming up. Reaction of tensing in arms, chest, belly, upper legs. Shaking passed, coming back again. Eyes unresting, making small fast movements.

Excellent. Really good reporting of direct experience.
Tell me, was there an "I", "self" or "me" doing any of the experiencing described above? Or is this actually a description of Life living itself?

Seeing fingers type. "No Typer there?" "Who is typing?".

"Who..." questions are meaningless. There is no Who, so asking who...? is like dividing by zero. Better ask "What...?", as in "What is typing".
So check it. In your direct experience, what is typing??

Nona, when you say LOOK, do you mean only look with the eyes? Or does LOOK stand for looking, feeling, hearing, smelling, touching, tasting?

What is LOOKing? It is focusing on your Direct Experience. Seeing with the eyes, hearing with the ears, feeling with the skin, smelling with the nose, tasting with the tongue. Sensation, before it is judged and labeled, is direct experience. It's what is actually happening now in this moment.

So LOOK at Life happening. Is there an observer anywhere to observe it? A controller anywhere to control it? A programmer anywhere to program it?
Or does Life just happen, while you are busy thinking about stuff?
Check it, sweetheart! What do you actually SEE?? It's right there in front of you.

with much love
Nona

[Blacklight]

Hello Nona,

What do you mean when you write "whenever there is awareness"? In your direct experience, is there ever not-awareness?

In direct experience there is always awareness. The "not being aware" are mental images (=thoughts) of a presumed past together with a spoken thought "I wasn't aware there".

Excellent. Really good reporting of direct experience.
Tell me, was there an "I", "self" or "me" doing any of the experiencing described above? Or is this actually a description of Life living itself?

Rereading the reporting... Partially feeling what is written in the reporting. The content of the reporting is not real in this moment. Only mental images, spoken thoughts and the body reacting to those. Right now ... thinking "there is no I" ... thoughts stopped ... pressure at the finger tips. Thinking "am I escaping the question?" Tension in the chest, choking, hearing wind chimes. Rereading the question. Thinking "can I answer that question without thinking?"
Teeth clenched, choking, hearing rain outside. Just hearing, then a mental image of the body and a very quiet spoken "I", hardly noticed. Hearing birds outside, series of thoughts, contractions in the belly region, thinking "when does the sensation become an I?"
Staring at the screen, image is flickering. Thoughts spinning in circles. Pressure in the bladder, hearing birds sing. Spoken thought, female voice "is there a hearer? Or only the hearing and the heard?" Pulsating pressure in the upper front part of the head. Thinking "Is there an I?". Thinking "it feels like I'm almost there". Thinking "feels like is not direct experience". Thinking "'I am' isn't either". Smiling slightly. Breathing. Heaviness in chest and shoulders. Right hand lifting, scratching the head and right ear. Staring at screen, hearing loud knocking outside. Hearing voices. Itching at right knee. Thinking "am I escaping the question?" Thinking "I would love to answer 'no, there is no I, self or me' but ..." Thought stopped. Waiting for next thought. Hearing rain and bird singing.
The body just got up and went to the toilet. After that grabbed a pullover and put it on. No I doing that, it just happened, accompanied by thoughts containing "I". Fingers brushing over the keyboard, fingers typing. No I doing that either. Tension in the belly, prickling in the legs, tension in the neck, hearing bird sing. No I needed to "pull in" the sounds from the outside.

"Who..." questions are meaningless. There is no Who, so asking who...? is like dividing by zero. Better ask "What...?", as in "What is typing".
So check it. In your direct experience, what is typing??

What is typing? Thoughts are not typing. Fingers are typing. Sometimes they type what a previous thought said. Thinking "do they sometimes type without a thought or something different from the thought?" Thinking "can one know what types? Can this be experienced?" Watching the pullover rise and fall without a breather. Thinking "this feels like I'm on some kind of a drug". Thinking "this will change so much and there's no turning back".
Watching the pullover rise and fall. Thinking "I'm not writing about everything that is happening. But is it a fair process that decides what is written?" Thought falls away, thinking "passed... past". Feeling mobile phone vibrate, seeing image of girlfriend on screen. Called my girlfriend, talking happened by itself. Thinking "I need to leave in 5 minutes".

So LOOK at Life happening. Is there an observer anywhere to observe it? A controller anywhere to control it? A programmer anywhere to program it?
Or does Life just happen, while you are busy thinking about stuff?
Check it, sweetheart! What do you actually SEE?? It's right there in front of you.

No observer seen yet. No controller seen yet. No programmer seen yet. Only thoughts about an observer, controller and programmer. Thinking "then what is keeping me from actually seeing there is no I?". Thinking "damned recursion". Mental image of a dog chasing its tail. Images of program code, "1/0"

Hand took mobile phone, looked up when my girlfriend called.

I have to leave but I'll keep looking!
Martin

[Blacklight]

Hi Nona,

I just was out for a run and watched the feet move automatically. There was a lot of thinking in between, but it mostly fell away quickly. When I came home and took a shower there was an intense looking at the water drops on the wall and then a thought popped through, somethink like "I have to see something more/else. It has to be different then this".
Just wanted to mention this because there are now some thoughts coming up about false expectations being in the way of seeing...

I'll keep looking, touching, smelling, tasting and hearing.
Martin

[nonaparry]

Dearest Martin,

No observer seen yet. No controller seen yet. No programmer seen yet. Only thoughts about an observer, controller and programmer. Thinking "then what is keeping me from actually seeing there is no I?". Thinking "damned recursion". Mental image of a dog chasing its tail. Images of program code, "1/0"

STOP THINKing! Just LOOK!!!!!

"I have to see something more/else. It has to be different then this".

There isn't anything else. This is it. LOOK!!!

What did you THINK it would be like to see through the illusion that you are or have a separate self? What was Expected to happen?
"When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains—however improbable—must be the truth."
~ Sir Arthur Conan Doyle


With all my love, I implore you not to THINK: Just LOOK. LOOK at what is happening in this moment NOW. Is there a self at all in reality?
Nona

[Blacklight]

Hi Nona,

I fell asleep while looking. I'll get back to you tomorrow.

Have a good night!
Martin

[Blacklight]

Is there a self in reality?
The fingers are typing. Afterwards there is a tendency of the mind to think along the lines of "I typed this". There are bodily sensations that used to be followed by a mental image of that part of the body.
Now there are more occasions when sensations are not followed by mental images. The sensations sometimes seem to be located slightly outside of the body especially in front of the body, sometimes at the side, rarely behind, above or below the body.
Are the sensations an I? No. They are felt, so they can't be a feeler.
Is there a feeler to have these sensations? When the sensations are there and experienced directly there is no feeler.
When looking through the eyes there is the seen which is not an I.
Is there a seer to see things? When there is seeing there is no seer, only the seen.
So how does the illusion of a self arise?