Looking to have dialogue with a guide

[Hesed]

Pick up an object - Any object. Look!
Examine your own direct experience and tell me what picked it up?
What controlled the movements of the hand and arm in the process?

On picking up an object there is no direct experience of a controller. Thoughts arise out of an anxiety to understand. Who, or what creates the anxiety? I don't know. What is it that gives rise to the feeling of needing to understand? I don't know where it comes from.

[Xain]

Thoughts arise out of an anxiety to understand. Who, or what creates the anxiety? I don't know.

There is nothing to understand. There is nothing for the mind to 'get'.
Simply look. Be confident about the process.

On picking up an object there is no direct experience of a controller.

So is there one?
Have a look - REALLY LOOK.
Be totally honest - Is there a controller? Is there an 'I' making it happen?
Or do the actions happen without one?

Xain ♥

[Hesed]

Be totally honest - Is there a controller? Is there an 'I' making it happen?
Or do the actions happen without one?

Made a difference being outside today experiencing the weather without anyone controlling it. It occured to me that body movements, thoughts, feelings, reflections were no different. The thought of me having the experiences still arose, though I considered that it was just another thought. Sense of self was lighter.

Later meditating on how breathing happens without a controller and is never 'my' breathing, the sense of 'me' asserted itself.

But is there a controller, someone who is having experiences? I really don't think so but am still not sure. Haven't seen that directly.

[Xain]

Later meditating on how breathing happens without a controller and is never 'my' breathing, the sense of 'me' asserted itself.

So you have to ensure you are in control of your breathing at all times or it would stop?
Examine the breathing now - Breathe in and out.
Before this moment when you started noticing the breathing, what was controlling it?

I really don't think so but am still not sure.

What 'really doesn't think so'?
Stay with this notion. Look at it - Really LOOK!
Look into your direct experience - Who or what is this thing that is unsure?
Is there such a thing? Or is there nothing there?

Xain ♥

[Hesed]

Sat with awareness on breathing for probably more than an hour. The tightening that happens is partly due to being aware that life depends on breathing and that breathing will stop. I can also see that breath never belongs to anyone. Just sitting with the feelings of tension/resistance that arose, they dissolved to some extent with release of energy through the body. I will spend more time with this.

Later in the day there was a bit of a shift in perception and the idea occurred that everything happens as if by magic; everything, not just the processes I identify as me. Don't know where that thought came

Look into your direct experience - Who or what is this thing that is unsure?
Is there such a thing? Or is there nothing there?

Not a thing that is unsure but a feeling of uncertainty that arises

What 'really doesn't think so'?
Stay with this notion. Look at it - Really LOOK!

Need to stay with this a bit longer

[Xain]

Look into your direct experience - Who or what is this thing that is unsure?
Is there such a thing? Or is there nothing there?

Not a thing that is unsure but a feeling of uncertainty that arises

Ok - That's a good find. There's a feeling of uncertainty that is present.
But in what?
There must be a thing that is uncertain? What is it? Where is it? Or can nothing be found?

Need to stay with this a bit longer

That's cool - There is no rush. Everything unfolds when it is intended to.

I will spend more time with this.

A decision has been made to spend more time.
In your direct experience, what made this decision? What is this deciding 'I', this chooser?
Or did the decision just 'happen'?

Xain ♥

[Hesed]

There must be a thing that is uncertain? What is it? Where is it? Or can nothing be found?

There are tensions in parts of the body, persistent, questioning thoughts but as these subside the uncertainty lessens. There isn't something at the centre of these tensions. Only the manifestations in body and mind that arise and subside.

In your direct experience, what made this decision? What is this deciding 'I', this chooser?

Becoming aware of thoughts and sensations I realise they cannot be "me", as they are the objects of awareness, not what is being aware. None of the thoughts, feelings, decisions are me, or caused by me yet there is awareness of them. Awareness of sound arises with a sound, it is not something seperate, so there is awareness of sound without someone being aware.

Is this from direct experience? Again uncertainty; tensions in the body, doubting, questioning thoughts. Who, or what is doubting. Do these thoughts arise by themselves? Yes it seems so.

Xain, I hope I'm not trying your patience.

[Xain]

Xain, I hope I'm not trying your patience.

LOL - Not at all, my friend :-) Your answers are good because I can see you are really looking into this.
Everyone is different and at different stages along their 'path'. Right now, you are at 'this' point.
Let's go beyond it!

There are tensions in parts of the body, persistent, questioning thoughts but as these subside the uncertainty lessens. There isn't something at the centre of these tensions. Only the manifestations in body and mind that arise and subside.

Cool. There may be lots of 'stuff' going on in experience during the process. Just check it with this. Register it and let it be.

Awareness of sound arises with a sound, it is not something seperate, so there is awareness of sound without someone being aware.

Great!

So let's do a little exercise on 'awareness of sound' which may help.

Sit for a moment. Allow the body and mind to relax.
Just allow everything to be. Notice the sense of aliveness. Of being. The essense of what you are.
Rest with this for a moment.
Now notice 'hearing'. Don't allow the mind to enter. Just notice the experience of hearing for a moment.

When questioned about this experience, the mind will pop up and label the experience 'I hear', 'I am hearing' and if a sound known to the mind is perceived, it will label both YOU and the item that is perceived.
'I hear the computer fan', 'I hear footsteps outside'.
Just notice this, and then back away from it again to just 'hearing' alone without labelling or thinking.

Now in this state, just direct experience of 'hearing' right here in the immediate moment.
Ask yourself where is this 'hearing' taking place? And what can be found that is doing it?
Is there something there that is doing it? Or is there just 'hearing' - With nothing doing it.

Xain ♥

[Hesed]

Now in this state, just direct experience of 'hearing' right here in the immediate moment.
Ask yourself where is this 'hearing' taking place? And what can be found that is doing it?
Is there something there that is doing it? Or is there just 'hearing' - With nothing doing it.

Where hearing is taking place can't be located. When the idea arises that "I" am hearing it dosen't add anything to hearing in fact if anything it gets in the way, so to say there is just hearing seems closer to the truth.

[Xain]

Now in this state, just direct experience of 'hearing' right here in the immediate moment.
Ask yourself where is this 'hearing' taking place? And what can be found that is doing it?
Is there something there that is doing it? Or is there just 'hearing' - With nothing doing it.

Where hearing is taking place can't be located. When the idea arises that "I" am hearing it dosen't add anything to hearing in fact if anything it gets in the way, so to say there is just hearing seems closer to the truth.

Great job.

So the location of hearing can't be found. There is just hearing. Really?
Check in again - Really look - Where is this 'I', this 'me' that is the hearer?
Is there one? Or is hearing happening without a 'thing' it is happening to?

Xain ♥

[Hesed]

So the location of hearing can't be found. There is just hearing. Really?

Listening attentively I couldn't say if hearing was in here, out there, or in between. The boundary of inside and outside is not clear at all. Again the thought arises that I am listening but I realise this does not add anything to the experience but only detracts from hearing. The question keeps arising 'is there a me listening, or is there just hearing. This also detracts from hearing.

I don't know if it is relevant but I have had a 'good' day in the sense that sense of self has seemed thinner, if that makes sense. It could be for lots of reasons but I feel sure it is realated to what I am doing here. I seem to be more emotionally responsive, perception clearer.

[Xain]

So the location of hearing can't be found. There is just hearing. Really?

Listening attentively I couldn't say if hearing was in here, out there, or in between. The boundary of inside and outside is not clear at all.

Beautiful, Hesed. This is truly looking at your direct experience.

Again the thought arises that I am listening but I realise this does not add anything to the experience but only detracts from hearing. The question keeps arising 'is there a me listening, or is there just hearing. This also detracts from hearing.

Another great observation. As discussed before, the mind is a labelling machine. One that has been conditioned to label 'I', 'me' as the owner of experiences.
The mind can also be considered as a little chattering monkey on your shoulder. Monkey will say all sorts of stuff.
We need to quieten monkey down while we examine our Direct Experience and find out from THAT what is true, and not his little voice.

Stick with just the direct experience of 'hearing'.
So no location can be found for 'hearing'.
Ok, what about an 'I' a 'me' that is the hearer. Is hearing 'happening' to anything. Or is there just hearing, with nothing that can be found for it to happen 'to'.

Little 'mind' monkey pops up and says 'I am listening'.
Where is this mind that is arising and saying these things? Can you find it?
Like hearing, can you find the location of where 'thinking' is happening?

Xain ♥

[Hesed]

Hi Xain, it will probably be tomorrow before I manage to write anything. Hope the weekend going well with you.

[Hesed]

Is hearing 'happening' to anything. Or is there just hearing, with nothing that can be found for it to happen 'to'.

Just hearing

Little 'mind' monkey pops up and says 'I am listening'.

To be more acurate it keeps saying there isn't a self doing this, which gets in the way of seeing if there is or not. Thinking seems trickier than hearing for some reason. Thoughts do seem to crystallise around a particular stimulus, which is often other thoughts. Today in a cafe I wrote down thoughts that came without seeing them as 'my' thoughts, such as "....there is no me watching this, to take part just more play of events arising in relation to each other, that's all there is, feelings, thoughts, appearances arising in dependence on each other, like magic..." I didn't consider if what I was writing was true or not, just wrote it. It seemed to resonate with truth and had an effect on perception. At one point I looked up, a man was walking towards me. The idea occured that there was no me seeing and no him other than appearance, for a fleeting moment it felt like any sense of boundary might disappear.

[Hesed]

Where is this mind that is arising and saying these things? Can you find it?

No

Like hearing, can you find the location of where 'thinking' is happening?

No