Requesting the assistant of a guide, please. :)

[cosmiK]

LOOK DEEPLY

is it possible that it is all happening with a separate self/i/me? Is it possible that it was always this way? Is it clear that it will never ever be any other way?

Let's address any doubts you have?
Let's address any areas you feel stuck?

Talk to me.

[Cosmicvibez]

It has always been this way. But no DEEP inquiry has ever been taken place. I've always taken things so personal. I understand that certain events will trigger unwanted reactions and emotions due to conditioning. I've always felt this block...a mental block. Maybe it was due to the conditioning from growing up with a strict religious grandmother. Since starting the inquiry and noticing my thought patterns I can't help but notice the conditioning. Life is automatic, which in this case scares me because I feel like I can't break out of the pattern but I'm aware that it's there. It just feels like REALLY heavy conditioning. Not as bad as most people, I suppose, but it's pretty bad on my "self" esteem.

[cosmiK]

It has always been this way. But no DEEP inquiry has ever been taken place. I've always taken things so personal. I understand that certain events will trigger unwanted reactions and emotions due to conditioning.

Is there anyone or anything that is conditioned?

Since starting the inquiry and noticing my thought patterns I can't help but notice the conditioning. Life is automatic, which in this case scares me because I feel like I can't break out of the pattern but I'm aware that it's there.

Jonathan... "this" is complete.
within 'this' appears thoughts, sensations, peoples, places, conditioning, fear, grandmothers, senses of self, Jonathan, patterns, tooth fairies, Liberation Unleashed, computer screens. You are not this separate self. You are not what thoughts tell you. All is free to appear and arise in this including those things labelled as 'conditioning' and 'patterns' and 'negative emotions'.
There is noone or no-thing that can change any of it, and no reason to do so.
There is nothing wrong with you Jason. It appears that way because you believe that certain things are You. There is no such thing.
'this' is already Free.

It just feels like REALLY heavy conditioning. Not as bad as most people, I suppose, but it's pretty bad on my "self" esteem.

Is any of this REALLY True? I don't buy your stories.

There is never a You that is ever trapped, conditioned, suffering.

So... where do we go from here?

[Cosmicvibez]

There is nobody that is conditioned, there is just conditioning and only thoughts about the experience of conditioning.

No, none of that is REALLY true...it's just a story. A mind-translated perception.

If I didn't have any senses at all, no sense of touch, smell, sight, feeling, or hearing there would NOT be an I. So it doesn't make sense that 'I" do have all those senses AND a belief in a self. Because "I" am all the senses combined including thought. There is no separation. Also, I cannot find a self anywhere. This sounds right intellectually and feels right, but I guess I expected maybe a tiiiny little pop, so to speak, hehe.

[cosmiK]

Alright,

Does it matter if there was a pop or not?

Is there anything missing from this moment?

Can you explain how decisions are made?

Look Deeply - if there is no self, then what is there?

Answer all from here and now,

[Cosmicvibez]

It doesn't. I guess I was looking for a doubtless realization...I don't have doubts that there is no self.

There isn't, only in thought. I often have thoughts about the sensation on "not being fully there" to experience something. Being too "caught up in thoughts and worrying to enjoy the moment. But this is silly, because I AM the experience. Or rather, the experience is me.

For me, if I had to make a decision to do something, an image pops up of me doing it. And the more it nags and nags the more I end up making that decision...that's what I could come up with. :/

If there is no self, then there's just 'this' experiencing itself.

[cosmiK]

Jonathan,

Doubt is just a label or thought given to this. Is there anyone ever in doubt? :) if doubt, whatever that is, we're to ever show up, would it ever affect 'this'? Would it ever effect anyone?

There is this Experience, and then a label comes and says "I am". Be mindful of any identification. Does 'this' need a thought to claim it? Would it disappear if there wasn't a claim? Who is making the claim?

For me, if I had to make a decision to do something, an image pops up of me doing it. And the more it nags and nags the more I end up making that decision...that's what I could come up with. :/

Okay look deeply again. There still seems to be an assumption of a separate me being affected.

Take two objects, and look deeply... Decide slowly...which one to pick...
Is there a You deciding?
What is a 'decision'?
Is there a decider and a decision?
Describe this in your own words with respect to experiential evidence, and not logic.
Do it a few times.. Try it Ina few different contexts or with different objects.

If there is no self, then there's just 'this' experiencing itself.

This sounds very much like a logical conclusion based on an idea I gave you. Take a walk in nature, in a sprawling area. And try this again...
Is there a doer or doers behind Life? Or just Life?
Is there a self behind the experiencing and other little selves behind everything else observed? Or is there just 'this', and several conceptualizations about it?

Don't rush this. See this fully for yourself, then write back.

With Love.

[Cosmicvibez]

Before I continue, what is it that you consider "THIS"?

[cosmiK]

Hey,

'this' is just a pointer to Experience. It's all that is Experienced.

We can say that there is Experience, and this Experience can be labelled several things.
or
We can say there is just 'THIS', and within it occur all things, including the perceived Jonathan, the computer screen, etc etc etc etc
or
We can say it's just Life, this Expression, this Appearance.

is that clear? sorry if there was any confusion. They are just pointers to Experience, is all.

[Cosmicvibez]

There is only the decision. The decision is executed and a thought, a me thought appears afterwards claiming responsibility. As we learned language, we gave life to things as if we're some spectator of life. We say that the a picture HANGS, that a radio PLAYS music.

[cosmiK]

Talk to me,

where are you at with this.

[Cosmicvibez]

There is no me. I'm not very articulate so I can't really put the words together to form how "I" know this. I don't express myself that well. I have trouble getting out what I truly mean or even figuring it out and this isn't a story it's just an honest observation. What I understand about no-self is that whether I'm consciously aware of it or not, the body is sensing and experiencing nonstop. There is never a moment where experiencing is not happening. It cannot be escaped. The mind (which doesn't exist because I cannot point to any such thing as a mind) is just an expression expressing itself. I feel stupid for trying so hard to see this through the filter of the mind. There is no way that I have control over anything. If I'm laying down, an image of let's say, outside comes in and the body immediately gets up to go outside. I didn't choose the image. It just popped in and went away. I is just an accumulation of sensations and thoughts repeating the same story of a self over and over again. But at the center, there is no me. There is no center.

There's CONSTANTLY pressure in my head, and these sensations have developed over the course of a year. I don't know why I felt the need to say that, but it just came out.

What happens to me, is that a lot of my thoughts throughout the day that don't involve self inquiry are shit. They're images of the past, which invoke pain and regret. Even though they're just feelings doesn't change the interpretation that's made about them and the way I perceive them. Even though knowing they're not MY thoughts they're JUST thoughts don't really help much. I'll have a shitty thought then another thought, "oh yeah, that's not my thought", and then a "who said that" followed by "oh, yeah, nobody". It's like no-self inquiry has just become another conditioning that I can't break out of. It feels as if "I" can't experience without having to check to see if I can find more and more insight. This feels like when I kept researching things back in the day, like an addiction. At work, when I'm tired of the whole thought loop, I just go on here on my phone and read other people's threads to gain more insight, to just get away from the thoughts.

By the way, I know there's no I, I feel that there's no I because when I close my eyes and imagine something so vividly and open my eyes it's not there. Nowhere that I look can I find an I or a separate entity. No-self is just not experiential for me, I suppose. And I'm aware this is dumb to say, because there is always experiencing happening, RIGHT NOW.

[cosmiK]

Hey Jonathan,

thanks for your honest response.

It is great that you have seen that there indeed no separate self there, anywhere. That is clear to you!

There's CONSTANTLY pressure in my head, and these sensations have developed over the course of a year. I don't know why I felt the need to say that, but it just came out.

In the months leading to my Awakening there were also sort of sensations including my head feeling like it was going to pop, or ear-popping (like when in an airplane), and other very uncomfortable ones. You can just allow it to be :)

What happens to me, is that a lot of my thoughts throughout the day that don't involve self inquiry are shit. They're images of the past, which invoke pain and regret. Even though they're just feelings doesn't change the interpretation that's made about them and the way I perceive them. Even though knowing they're not MY thoughts they're JUST thoughts don't really help much. I'll have a shitty thought then another thought, "oh yeah, that's not my thought", and then a "who said that" followed by "oh, yeah, nobody". It's like no-self inquiry has just become another conditioning that I can't break out of. It feels as if "I" can't experience without having to check to see if I can find more and more insight. This feels like when I kept researching things back in the day, like an addiction. At work, when I'm tired of the whole thought loop, I just go on here on my phone and read other people's threads to gain more insight, to just get away from the thoughts.

Firstly Jonathan, no-self inquiry is fine, yet not necessary for you right now - this isn't about a thought asking "who said that" or "who am i" or "where is the self" and hearing an answer such as "yeah nobody"... it is about LOOKing deeply, noticing Simply, here & now.

What seems to be the issue here is that because of conditioned responses, frustration, emotions, you may still feel that they must be happening TO something. So I would suggest that you gently notice if they are indeed happening TO anyone or anything?

Much Love.

[Cosmicvibez]

And I do this by allowing thoughts to arise and disappear and to just allow the feelings they invoke to arise and disappear as well?

[cosmiK]

Jonathan,

noticing is already happening, here and now. just like this sentence is being noticed.

if i asked you to notice the sensation of your bum on your chair, would you "allow the sensations to arise and disappear" or "just allow the feelings they invoke". no, there would just be noticing of that sensation.

so let's apply that to what I said, regarding what you told me:

What seems to be the issue here is that because of conditioned responses, frustration, emotions, you may still feel that they must be happening TO something. So I would suggest that you gently notice if they are indeed happening TO anyone or anything?

So... notice... is anything that is happening (including conditioning, emotions, feelings, thoughts... whatever), happening TO anything?