Looking for a guide.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

Without a mind to call your own, where does "Jamie" reside?

So, I have continued to pose this question as often as there is time. There definitely seems to be a bit of...let's not focus on that...let's think about this other more interesting thing!

Are you aware that boredom is willed - as is confusion. But fortunately, you have shared why.

It feels like a settling process is happening. Feelings aren't sticking as much at some times. But still sticking at times. Like when my husband cut me off last night and I still got upset, as I always would, but part of me just, I don't even know, was just aware that this was just a feeling and nothing to fight about. And also a little fear that without "I" that I am going to be less dramatic and that he is going to be bored with me and our relationship is going to change. Yes. That's it. Wondering/worrying how this is going to affect us. As I write this, I realize...just thoughts. Just feelings. Just happening. That's all.

BINGO!

If there is any resistance to seeing this, then it's only right that you will always find a reason not to see - to be bored, confused, distracted.

You remember my earlier statement about this being an act of survival for some and you wondered what it was pointing to?

As long as we are comfortable in our known, why on earth would we want to leap into the unknown?

Speak soon,
John

[Jamie2012]

Are you aware that boredom is willed - as is confusion. But fortunately, you have shared why.

No. I wasn't aware of that at all. They both seem like states that come about, like thoughts or emotions.

If there is any resistance to seeing this, then it's only right that you will always find a reason not to see - to be bored, confused, distracted.

Okay. Makes sense.

You remember my earlier statement about this being an act of survival for some and you wondered what it was pointing to?

Yes, I remember. I'm still not clear on "this" being an act of survival. Are you speaking of this looking process? And survival for whom? The part that still want to proclaim that "I" exist? If so, I'm not understanding the point.

As long as we are comfortable in our known, why on earth would we want to leap into the unknown?

We wouldn't. I think it's discomfort that makes any of us decide to seek and go down this path of searching for truth or whatever.

To be honest...I don't know where this pointing is going at all. I need more clarification here.

Thanks,
Jamie

[Jamie2012]

Rephrasing what you said to see if I got it right because I was just not understanding one shred.

So boredom, confusion comes about because it is willed (by what? whom?) as resistance to a change or leaving the known for the unknown. So, since a part of me is still concerned that things will change and be different if I "really" see, then resistance comes up in the form of boredom or confusion. So are you saying I'm choosing those states of mind in order to avoid it?

If so, then yes, I suppose there's a bit of me that wondering how this will be different, but I also thought there was a shift taking place.

But now I'm feeling really off track and confused.

The act of survival part still eludes me. Could you rephrase it?

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

My feeling is you are pretty much there but, as you say, there is a resistance around what will happen after.

The fear would not come up if you weren't already close. So that's a good sign in terms of the work you've done.

You remember my earlier statement about this being an act of survival for some and you wondered what it was pointing to?

Yes, I remember. I'm still not clear on "this" being an act of survival. Are you speaking of this looking process? And survival for whom? The part that still want to proclaim that "I" exist? If so, I'm not understanding the point.

There comes a point which brings each of us here where our feelings do not match our persona "I". We sense that life is not as it seems and we go looking for why. We hear on the grapevine that the key is the belief in the separate self referred to as "I". We try lots of ways to see the simple truth that who/what we are is not a fictional construction. Eventually, we come to LU.

It's an act of survival because some feel they simply cannot continue to live life feeling this mis-match. They want to know what life is like without the veil of "I".

To recap, there is no separate self called "Jamie" and that, you know, and get. And you still have a sense that this hasn't yet been really seen fully.

Now, given that this seeing is always being transmitted, all we need to do is remove each of the obstacles - when we find them - for that seeing for it to come through more and more.

So, let's look at this resistance and concern about what might happen once you see this fully and completely. Such concerns need our full respect and cannot be brushed off. There is often gold in them there concerns. :)

Can we explore this and any other concerns that you may have about seeing that there never has and never will be a separate self called "Jamie" running the show?

Can you clarify what you think might happen with respect to your relationship once this is seen through.

Please be as honest with yourself as possible as to your fears...not just for the relationship, but for yourself too.

Fears are quite normal at this stage - they are simply a sign that the unknown is just up the road.

With best wishes,
John

[Jamie2012]

Ahhh. Ok. :)

I'll think this over and respond soon.

Thanks much,
Jamie

[s-p-a-c-e]

Ahhh. Ok. :)

I'll think this over and respond soon.

Thanks much,
Jamie

Cool.

best,
John

[Jamie2012]

Thanks again very much for the more detailed explanation. I'm very thankful for all the time and effort you are sharing with me, a complete stranger, to work this out. It really is so generous and kind. :)

So, let's look at this resistance and concern about what might happen once you see this fully and completely. Such concerns need our full respect and cannot be brushed off. There is often gold in them there concerns. :)

Can we explore this and any other concerns that you may have about seeing that there never has and never will be a separate self called "Jamie" running the show?

This thought that things will change between my husband and I is probably my biggest worry, however, there is definitely a part of me that says it will all be fine, however it turns out. I know it's worth it to try because I would rather be liberated than continue to live in limbo. But I do have moments of wondering if he will still like me as the person I may become, if he was drawn to me because I can be a little dramatic and emotional at times, and that if I become more peaceful and even-keeled that he will get bored or something. I have to admit, I also feel a lot of fear about putting my thoughts "out there" on for public viewing. This is not something I would normally be so open about. I don't think I've ever posted on ANY forum like this, much less my thoughts about awakening. But that's how much I want this; I'm willing to do something quite uncomfortable if only just to see!

I actually wrote up a whole lot more in response, some of it directly related, some if it a bit of back history, but it's feeling a little too scary right now to share it all on the internet where literally the whole world can see. Like I said, this is not normally my thing...normally a very private person. :)

Feels like a bit of a tailspin these past couple days. Mucho resistance.

All the best,
Jamie

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

Thanks again very much for the more detailed explanation. I'm very thankful for all the time and effort you are sharing with me, a complete stranger, to work this out. It really is so generous and kind. :)

It is a pleasure. :)

So, let's look at this resistance and concern about what might happen once you see this fully and completely. Such concerns need our full respect and cannot be brushed off. There is often gold in them there concerns. :)

Can we explore this and any other concerns that you may have about seeing that there never has and never will be a separate self called "Jamie" running the show?

This thought that things will change between my husband and I is probably my biggest worry, however, there is definitely a part of me that says it will all be fine, however it turns out. I know it's worth it to try because I would rather be liberated than continue to live in limbo. But I do have moments of wondering if he will still like me as the person I may become, if he was drawn to me because I can be a little dramatic and emotional at times, and that if I become more peaceful and even-keeled that he will get bored or something. I have to admit, I also feel a lot of fear about putting my thoughts "out there" on for public viewing. This is not something I would normally be so open about. I don't think I've ever posted on ANY forum like this, much less my thoughts about awakening. But that's how much I want this; I'm willing to do something quite uncomfortable if only just to see!

There's no need to write anything here that you're not comfortable with. As for changing, from my own experience, there is a period of adjustment. Some people might say different though and everyone seems to have a unique experience with this.

I've found that the personality, preferences etc stay largely the same. My jokes are just as bad as they always were. :D I still like a pint of real ale and a bag of salted peanuts. Still support my football team. Still love to sit with the cat at night by the fire. I'm enjoying my work much more.

But there was this period of adjustment because, you see, although all the conditioning remains, it's not attached to an "I" (or perhaps less attached for while). LIFE remains, only the orientation or angle coming from changes.

So, your husband may notice some changes, and you may find that you're even more dramatic being more fluid! :D

Only speaking for myself, I have found myself becoming far more involved with everything - very active in local business, community etc. So this is not a recipe, in general, for docility. LOL :)

I actually wrote up a whole lot more in response, some of it directly related, some if it a bit of back history, but it's feeling a little too scary right now to share it all on the internet where literally the whole world can see. Like I said, this is not normally my thing...normally a very private person. :)

No need Jamie, the writing of it down will have been the main benefit - no doubt there is more clarity about that. Clarity brings sobriety which dissolves fear and resistance.

Feels like a bit of a tailspin these past couple days. Mucho resistance.

Your job, is to ask:

"What is the key obstacle that I put in my own way to seeing this?"

and

"Am I ready to resolve that, and see the simple and ordinary truth that I am not this apparent 'self' "?

Best wishes,
John

[Jamie2012]

Thanks, John. It's really nice to hear more about how it is for you and others, just to get an idea, but knowing it will be different for everyone.

So, your husband may notice some changes, and you may find that you're even more dramatic being more fluid!

Possibly more dramatic. Huh. Never considered that possibility. That would be interesting! :)

"What is the key obstacle that I put in my own way to seeing this?"

Over the past day or so, I've kept this question in mind, but I'm really not seeing any obstacle. I could answer from the past perspective that fear and anxiety would have been obstacles. But when the thought comes up about the idea of no self, there's really not anything. It's just kind of a yep. No self.

"Am I ready to resolve that, and see the simple and ordinary truth that I am not this apparent 'self' "?

I am ready to resolve it. There's still the tiniest bit of anxiety about what saying "yes" will really mean, because I can't possibly KNOW what will happen after. So it's just a tiny bit of fear of the unknown. Like the slightest hesitation when I first go to answer this question. I don't know if that tiny hesitation is all that's stopping me. Because a lot of the things in the past that would have really made me scared seem to have disappeared. Even the worry about my relationship with my husband is a small concern because I know that I "have" to do this, regardless of what happens after.

I sort of want to say that I think I've crossed through. I've searched for the I all over the place in the past few weeks, and there is no I to be found. To answer that question from before (if there is no mind to call my own, where does Jamie reside), Jamie doesn't reside anywhere.

Here's what makes me doubt that I'm through. I've read on the forum that often people feel lots of gratitude and find themselves laughing a lot afterwards. That's not really been the case for me. Maybe a little lighter at times, but nothing extreme. Also, I feel like I should be seeing more of the "oneness" of everything. At times, it seems more apparent, but not really unless I'm actively thinking about it.

Should there be a clunk? A pop? A knowing, as in, yes I'm through! I know things aren't going to be THAT different after, but I would think the perspective would be different. Maybe it is, though, and it's been such a process (versus a sudden change) that it just feels natural.

Thanks so much and hope you had a wonderful weekend. :)

Jamie

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

Thanks, John. It's really nice to hear more about how it is for you and others, just to get an idea, but knowing it will be different for everyone.

So, your husband may notice some changes, and you may find that you're even more dramatic being more fluid!

Possibly more dramatic. Huh. Never considered that possibility. That would be interesting! :)

Hahaha! Is that even possible? :)

"What is the key obstacle that I put in my own way to seeing this?"

Over the past day or so, I've kept this question in mind, but I'm really not seeing any obstacle. I could answer from the past perspective that fear and anxiety would have been obstacles. But when the thought comes up about the idea of no self, there's really not anything. It's just kind of a yep. No self.

Are you already there? It's ok, we send fireworks over, next day delivery. :)

"Am I ready to resolve that, and see the simple and ordinary truth that I am not this apparent 'self' "?

I am ready to resolve it. There's still the tiniest bit of anxiety about what saying "yes" will really mean, because I can't possibly KNOW what will happen after. So it's just a tiny bit of fear of the unknown. Like the slightest hesitation when I first go to answer this question. I don't know if that tiny hesitation is all that's stopping me. Because a lot of the things in the past that would have really made me scared seem to have disappeared. Even the worry about my relationship with my husband is a small concern because I know that I "have" to do this, regardless of what happens after.

Saying "yes" or "no" will make not the slightest bit of difference - it will happen or it won't happen or has already happened. There's not even a "you" to say "yes". But he-ho, it's fun to play like we have control over our lives. LOL :)

I sort of want to say that I think I've crossed through. I've searched for the I all over the place in the past few weeks, and there is no I to be found. To answer that question from before (if there is no mind to call my own, where does Jamie reside), Jamie doesn't reside anywhere.

No, never did, never will.

Here's what makes me doubt that I'm through. I've read on the forum that often people feel lots of gratitude and find themselves laughing a lot afterwards. That's not really been the case for me. Maybe a little lighter at times, but nothing extreme. Also, I feel like I should be seeing more of the "oneness" of everything. At times, it seems more apparent, but not really unless I'm actively thinking about it.

There's the whole spectrum of responses from laughter to "oh, is that it". hahaha :) That simple and ordinary seeing is so stupidly obvious, that "oh" is more than enough. Mine was a "Ok, so there's aware and yet there's no 'John' here being aware. Ok." :)

There are moments of oneness blah, blah, but really that's just the "I" wanting to win the jackpot. Seeing the unknown in the terms of the known. Life is always changing - the only constant.

At time, sure, it's a little weird. But then, you can always pretend to be "Jamie" should you wish. You know, like old times.

Should there be a clunk? A pop? A knowing, as in, yes I'm through! I know things aren't going to be THAT different after, but I would think the perspective would be different. Maybe it is, though, and it's been such a process (versus a sudden change) that it just feels natural.

Natural is good. If you sit down somewhere quietly and just with your eyes open - not focussing on this or that - with the intention "inside" - just sit and ask where is "Jamie"? And if "Jamie" is not there, what is aware?

Thanks so much and hope you had a wonderful weekend. :)

I did thank you! :)

Speak soon,
John

[Jamie2012]

Are you already there? It's ok, we send fireworks over, next day delivery. :)

"I" was definitely hoping for something like that. That would make "me" feel very special. ;)

Saying "yes" or "no" will make not the slightest bit of difference - it will happen or it won't happen or has already happened. There's not even a "you" to say "yes". But he-ho, it's fun to play like we have control over our lives. LOL :)

The control piece is a part that has still been difficult to process/understand. I learned in school while training to become a therapist (which I ended up not becoming :D ) that we are not in control of our thoughts or feelings but that we are in control of our behavior. It certainly does feel like I am making choices. But when I boil it down to the right now moment and look at "what is", I do somewhat get that "I" am not choosing. There is no I, but it still feels as though there are choices to be made/being made. That part hasn't 100% clicked yet.

There's the whole spectrum of responses from laughter to "oh, is that it". hahaha :) That simple and ordinary seeing is so stupidly obvious, that "oh" is more than enough. Mine was a "Ok, so there's aware and yet there's no 'John' here being aware. Ok." :)

Yep, the more I look at it and continue to come up with the same answer (there is no Jamie in real life), it continues to be just an, Oh. Okay, then. Often followed by the thought, now what? Which, like I said before, there is quickly the realization that all there is is NOW, so now is what is next. That's all. This realization is followed by the thought: Booooring! :)

Natural is good. If you sit down somewhere quietly and just with your eyes open - not focussing on this or that - with the intention "inside" - just sit and ask where is "Jamie"? And if "Jamie" is not there, what is aware?

When doing this, the answer to the first question is...there is no Jamie to be found in real life. The answer to the second question is...there is no "what" to be aware. It's just awareness. Being aware is just what is happening. There is no what. Or if there is, I don't know what it is. It's a mystery. Perhaps that is the mystery of life. Awareness is happening not from a what, but it just is.

Feels like a big let down, to be honest. I've been searching for the answer to the mystery (i.e. meaning) of life only to find 1) life is - period and 2) the mystery of life is that life is a mystery.

Ugh. Feels like the worst ending EVER to what you thought was a great movie. Anti-climactic to the extreme! Sorta funny, but kind of depressing/disappointing too.

Keeping my eyes peeled for the next-day delivery truck! ;)
Jamie

[Jamie2012]

Scratch that last bit about the not getting how I'm not in control. Insight happened.

This is what I realized. I have a thought, "I have to go to the grocery store." Then, later, I go to the grocery store. Did I or anything control that thought? No, just popped into mind. So, how am I "controlling" that behavior. A thought comes, action follows. And as for deciding? I could "decide" (thought) to take action on the thought, or not. Because, I could then have another thought, I don't want to go today. Then I won't go. Or I will feel guilty and think, I HAVE to go (for whatever reason) and "make" myself go. Or whatever. But all of these things are just actions are born out of thoughts which are not under my (or any other entity's) control. Wow. So strange.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

There is no I, but it still feels as though there are choices to be made/being made. That part hasn't 100% clicked yet.

Needs to click huh? This "There is no I, but it still feels as though there are choices to be made/being made". What if you changed the "but" to "and" - could you live with that. ;)

Yep, the more I look at it and continue to come up with the same answer (there is no Jamie in real life), it continues to be just an, Oh. Okay, then. Often followed by the thought, now what? Which, like I said before, there is quickly the realization that all there is is NOW, so now is what is next. That's all. This realization is followed by the thought: Booooring! :)

Don't worry. It may be boring now, but you'll learn to love it later. LOL :)

Natural is good. If you sit down somewhere quietly and just with your eyes open - not focussing on this or that - with the intention "inside" - just sit and ask where is "Jamie"? And if "Jamie" is not there, what is aware?

When doing this, the answer to the first question is...there is no Jamie to be found in real life. The answer to the second question is...there is no "what" to be aware. It's just awareness. Being aware is just what is happening. There is no what. Or if there is, I don't know what it is. It's a mystery. Perhaps that is the mystery of life. Awareness is happening not from a what, but it just is.

Yes. *leaps mildly into the air*

Feels like a big let down, to be honest. I've been searching for the answer to the mystery (i.e. meaning) of life only to find 1) life is - period and 2) the mystery of life is that life is a mystery.

Can you believe it! For the second time in a week, I've fallen off my chair laughing.

Ugh. Feels like the worst ending EVER to what you thought was a great movie. Anti-climactic to the extreme! Sorta funny, but kind of depressing/disappointing too.

Keeping my eyes peeled for the next-day delivery truck! ;)
Jamie

Just having climbed back onto the chair, bang - off again. :D

You're going to be a slow-burner.

Speak soon,
John

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

Scratch that last bit about the not getting how I'm not in control. Insight happened.

This is what I realized. I have a thought, "I have to go to the grocery store." Then, later, I go to the grocery store. Did I or anything control that thought? No, just popped into mind. So, how am I "controlling" that behavior. A thought comes, action follows. And as for deciding? I could "decide" (thought) to take action on the thought, or not. Because, I could then have another thought, I don't want to go today. Then I won't go. Or I will feel guilty and think, I HAVE to go (for whatever reason) and "make" myself go. Or whatever. But all of these things are just actions are born out of thoughts which are not under my (or any other entity's) control. Wow. So strange.

Strange but true.

It's ok Jamie, you can always go back to having good old "Jamie" running the show.

Can you imagine?

Best wishes,
John

[Jamie2012]

Needs to click huh? This "There is no I, but it still feels as though there are choices to be made/being made". What if you changed the "but" to "and" - could you live with that. ;)

No, no need to. Me thinking it "needs to" click is just a thought. The thought is real, but it's not necessary to believe the content is real. Yes, I can accept the and instead of the but. The thought and the feeling can still exist, without I being real.

Don't worry. It may be boring now, but you'll learn to love it later. LOL :)

I believe it. And for the record, I don't believe the thought. I'm just noticing it. The world has seemed more interesting lately, evidence by the fact that I'm feeling less desire for distractions. I don't feel the need to be distracted from what is, because it is actually interesting to experience the current sensations, thoughts, etc.

Can you believe it! For the second time in a week, I've fallen off my chair laughing.

Just having climbed back onto the chair, bang - off again. :D

Yeah, I don't get it.

You're going to be a slow-burner.

So be it. What can "I" do, right? The idea of it is definitely stirring up a whole lot of feelings though.

It's ok Jamie, you can always go back to having good old "Jamie" running the show.

Can you imagine?

No, not really. I'm sure there will be moments of "forgetting" or identifying with a self out of habit but there was never a Jamie running the show so how can I go back to it?