Request for Jeffdilbeck

[Tom1]

Hi Jeff,

The mind is trying to do the job, and its simply not satisfying.
I cant find the energy for this mental poundering anymore.

The thinking tries to do the thing, and there is a serious lack of interest in that.
There is a serious lack of interest in trying to see or become anything.

There is a lack of interest to go anywhere from here.
to pounder something. to try to figure out something or to understand.
Its like having watched a cartoon episode 300 times and trying to watch it for the 301st time. Wont do :D


Tom

[jeffdilbeck]

Do you have any further questions for me before I ask you the final questions?

Much love,
Jeff

[Tom1]

Hi !

I do not have any further questions, but know for certain that awakeness has not awoken to itself.

love,

Tom

[jeffdilbeck]

Awakeness has a self? Awakeness can wake up? Can you explain this concept?

Much, much love,
Jeff

[Tom1]

Hi !

I tried to write something down but ended up deleting it.
just cant find the energy to do this. to find an answer from past experience or trying to get it now.
prove something or recognize something. just cant do it nmore

Tom

[jeffdilbeck]

I'm very familiar with this. :)

Are you feeling good?

[Tom1]

Hi !

haha, no im feeling pretty shitty.
angry, nervous, agitated,bored, the list just goes on.
Pretty much, just feels like dying, or wanting to die.
not in a suicidal depressed way but ... well in a very hard to explain way.
Like as if it would be just ok, to dissapear and die. pass away.

Tom

[jeffdilbeck]

Do you want to continue? You seem to have an I who doesn't want to look.

If you want to stop, that is ok.

:)
Love,
Jeff

[Tom1]

Hi !

I am not going to stop, because I do not have a choice in the matter.
A break however is necessary for the moment.

I'll get back to you when things move on again. It may be tomorrow or in a month. This isnt the first time this happens. these periods of total uninterest in "self realization" have been occuring throughout the journey. Dont know why they come. It's not up to me. Sometimes they last few days, sometimes longer (longest has been a month).
I go with what is natural.

If you still wish to continue with me, when I'm ready again, that would be very nice. I can always ask some1 else too. I read your thread with nonaparry, he seemed a wise guide as well.

much love,

Tom

[jeffdilbeck]

I will continue with you when you are ready.

I understand this feeling and how it comes!

Love,
Jeff
:)

[Tom1]

Hi !

Ok.
Thank you.

Tom

[Tom1]

Hi Jeff,

Past few days can be summed up in the following way: Going back to some very very old thinking patterns, deep cynicism, making up stories about judging people according to these stories and when find out that the story wasnt true, make a new one to cover up the fact and believe that one :D
deeply self concerned, angry, pissed of, afraid about the hundred stories about future (which will never happend) and believing to know people because of the thoughts I have about them. the list goes on.

then something that adya said popped up: seeing something clearly can have a damaging effect on the self, or it can prop it up, as it gets anxious about what has been seen.
And suddenly there was a stopping to all this, a small moment of resting.
I logged in, and I am ready to continue.

I dont know how things look like now, but I suppose you can ask me a question and we will take it from there.

love,

Tom

[jeffdilbeck]

Hello Tom,

Can you find the 'me' who is angry? Look deeply into what you think you are. Find the angry Tom and tell me if it is true.

Love,
Jeff

[Tom1]

Hi !

When I suddenly come out of trance, to this moment, out of the mind circular patterns of thinking, which make a sense of 'me' and I remember your question, I immediately start to look for this me. I cannot get the same feeling of 'me' and the deeply personal vibe but can see a movement of thoughts.

I cannot find boundaries to this movement, boundaries that would constitute a 'me', just movement.
The 'me' is there when I am not conscious of it. When I become conscious, its gone. its like a trance.
Having been in the trance, I thought to find some boundaries to it, an entity, cos it felt so, but when I look, there is just movement. no boundaries, no separate entity. just movement.

Tom

[jeffdilbeck]

Is a tree separate from the forest? Or is there just a forest? Is a forest separate from the earth? Or just an earth? Is earth separate from solar system? Is solar system separate from galaxy? Or just a galaxy?

Is there truly separation or just appearances?

Love,
Jeff