The Gate

HI Rita, yes, it get tired from looking, my mind has gone in to a loop of thought about this looking stuff. I even think im going nuts sometimes, almost as this is driving me crazy. You asked me if its enything I fear i guess its that I might go nuts thinking about this al the time. Its not a big fear, but it comes up efter doing the looking and asking my self questions. Like what is stuck, who is looking and al that.

What is this, " something happening behind my eyes" what does that mean exactly...please describe it in detail.

Did I write that? Cant find it.

Also...we've talked a little about the 'stuckness' and I've wanted to ask you this question but other things needed addressing more. " Stuckness " is defensive . That defense is a survival instinct that the ego throws out to protect you.
What is it protecting you from ? What do you fear losing if Awakening...honestly ?

AS i said im not afraid of anything, but sometimes the fear o going nuts is there. If i spend some time asking questions and looking and getting stuck al the time, then mind says, "Il go crazy from this" And a little fear comes or stuckness. Maybe im afraid to loose my mind.. but I know thats just a fear..

Thank u for ur kind words and the time ur taking to help me RIta. Much love.

Also last night I was reading a post from someone that got liberated and al he said made sense. Its like when i read about it sometimes i get it. I really know this is theory but i dont live it. Also what u said came to me about me seeing it but beeliving that I was the one that saw it. This gets clearar when i think about the question:

Do you experience a me in the now? That i read from another thread. And the answer is no. If i focus on the raw sensationes I dont experience a ME. I experince feelign, sensations sounds, everything else but a me, but when i stop focusing on the raw sensations a me comes right back in the center. This questions sens me into the moment and i feel puts me in the right direction. But still there is a persitant belif coming back, sayim im here.

Ive been doing that exersise, just feeling the rawness of everything..and at times it looks like there is only one contiues experience...but its a come and go thing.

Well, this is it at the time. Hope ur having a nice weekand <3

Excellent work Vladi !! Very honest, deep introspection. There are two things I would like to point to;


"Do you experience a "me" in the NOW". ///

This statement is helpful to you. This is another way of saying , only what is experienced here, right NOW, with the 5 senses, is real. It is direct experience. THAT is real. There is NO "me" there. As soon as the mind labels it, there is separation ie, dualism, a "me" .If you simply experience the NOW moment, with no labels, you are experiencing REALITY.
IS THAT SCARY ????


You say there is NO fear, but you mention "going nuts" or "losing my mind" ,often....what does that MEAN to you ???


Much love. Take your time and answer in detail. Rita

Hey Vladi , I haven't lost my patience, have you ? : ((

No, just lost my mind for a few days, drinking and losing of order. I had a great experince diss morning. Il tell u about it as soon as I get som sleep. I got some questions about it aswell

Ah, what the hell better tell it now before i forget.

I have been going thru chaos this last few days, but this morning al of a sudden a very clear seeing apperad..


I thougt of looking and did so first in the mind, out of nowhere it was empty. It was cystal clear!!
And no big thing at all, just, ok, theres no me...I felt so ordinary....Im like: what? This is it? This is of no use!
Its there its not there, who cares? But then i started focusing on the empty space, it was nice, "Roomy"

I looked for about a minute, and then the feeling of openness whent down in my body, it seem to spred from the opennes of mind right down so I looked there, and same thing, so clear nothing here either...So I looked there for a minute, it was nice to ;)

So now suddenly out of nowhere, or from below there cama like a light, It was plain and simple happiness..but ity felt just lieke a light rising. Just a "everything is fine feeling" Im like Yeah, this is the shit!!!! This is whats needed. But that wasnt al, my attention now went to den sensation of self, the body part. I ussaly feel like im in the body but now the "awerness" or self feeling went beyond the body limmit, Im like Fucking A, this is EPIC!
All the issus i face seemed be pushed away from this new bigger self experience.. It wasnt so close and it didnt feel so mine issues.

Then i looken into the mind again, and empty, but heres what happed now, a thought came to me like, shit im I tripping this? Cuz ive been partying 2 days now and no sleep alot of alkohol and a some forbidden substances...So i thought, shit maybe im just wacked out now...So the got damn thing has now become a doubgt. My mind still feels more empty, but al the other suff is kind a gone, what remain is a slight feeling, that everything will be ok!
And im speaking from a chaotic time..But it felt so true and simply real at the time, simple yet brilliat.

Or im even thinking it gave me a previev of whats to come. Or did my mind just make that shit up? I mean that would be very sad!
But maybe its gone also becuse im very tired.. I mean Im I wreck, really. Need sleep. Asap! Il see tomorow how it looks.

What whas intressting that I saw from that clear perpective was that I had alot of belifes..and expectations.. I really want expecting that seeing no self would be that easy.... I mean its right there if u dont belive anything else about self..

And we al label us att al times, a label get created and gets attached to the experience, I guest it does that becuse there is a me thought, and no "al will be well kind" of ground in that fram om though, probobly becuse me is not true, and the self sense, It al made so much sense why ive been feeling so hopelessly tired and not beenig able to fix it, al my labels and belifs of ME have been terible last 2 moths, there belifs are submerged in my subcounsiuos, energetic vibration, and that was so deep that i could not see it. Alot of shit has been said about this me lately.

But, yeah, and then I could see labels and ides getting almost created in realtime, and could catch them beföre they were accepted, it was awsome... I also got alot more wisdom in those short minutes, buit now i cant remember them SO its good i wrote this done and can reflect back on inte tommorow!

Much Love Rita, the thing U said about me seeing but beliving I was the one seeing it makas al the sense now

Ïts paradoxical, that No self is so mcuh bigger experience then ME. me seems to take up al the time but its a small though, d empty feeling i first found in mind was also smal at first, it kind of took the spot were me was but as i stayed in it and focused on the emptyness it grev, expanden..

Oh, god i hope im not trippig this shit!! Tell me this al makes sense to U Rita, pealseee

Hi Vladi, yes there was some good introspection and some confusion. Whether the clear introspection "sticks" or was drug induced ,we'll have to see. Lets look at what you noticed thru direct experiencing, not opinion/labeling. Heres what I hear you saying;

1) You went in the mind. It was clear, there was no "me"
2) You labeled it as "ordinary" and didn't like it.
3) when you examined and looked for a "me" and it wasnt there, you decided this time, you DID like it.
4) You had an experience of a light rising and "everything feeling fine"...that its the "shit"!!!
5) You felt all your issues where gone, you were out of body and experienced a "new bigger self_experience". this didn't feel so much like 'your' issues.
6) You have doubts because you are tripped out and can't tell if anything is "real" ; ) or not. But you feel everything will be ok.

Are any of the above ,REAL or beliefs and expectations ? Please list which is which.

Also, how can "no-self" be a "bigger experience" than ME ? REAL or belief ?

So I'll ask you again...Thru direct experience(REAL), Do you experience a "me" in the NOW? Take your time.

DON'T DO ANY DRUGS OR DRINK...PLEASE !!! You may want to ask yourself why everytime you have any clarity, you take a break,start drinking or doing drugs ? WHAT is that behavior protecting and why ??

I DO have unlimited patience but at the rate you're going, will YOU survive it,lol ! Love you ; ))

Let's also try a little different approach. Read what you wrote me, take your time. Look at everything closely. Of what you wrote, what remains when you remove any ,"story of Vladi and his drug use and quest for enlightenment" ? What has no story attached to it , no labels, judgements ,opinion, expectation. What just IS , in the "raw" moment.

Take your time. Look very closely. Tell me what is noticed .

Sorry Rita, cant do this right now, got into deppression efter the chaos... It seems was trippind al I said...

So maybe when I feel better again i can try this..

Sorry Vladi that you're having a rough time of it ; (( i do understand. try to hang on to the TRUTH that ALL you're going thru is just a STORY. If you are unwilling to look into these things and see them for what they are, you cannot let them go. Drugs just muddy the water and make it harder to see and/or hold the understanding, if there is one. Going directly into the perceived pain/fear allows the release of it. Running away from it just prolongs it and allows it to grow in the mind. I wish you peace. Much love , Rita

Hi, Rita...

Ok, so how do i do this from here, my mind is as u said muddy. And feelings are just negative and depressive. Ive gone into them but there just keeps coming more.

Im thinking of taking a few days of and resting just to clear my mind from the worst part of this.

I will contact u again in this thread if its ok?

Yes, it's ok...of course : ))

But there are few guidelines, stipulations.

1) no drugs
2) no alcohol
3) honesty...no bullshit
4) openness
5) do not read or participate in newage,spiritual ,self help or dualism information
6) answering everyday or ...no deal. You've taken enough time off for the duration.

If that's exceptable to you, we're on ,otherwise find someone else.

Yes Rita its a deal! Promise.

Lets do this.

Ask away Rita.

Look at( my ) 2posts from the 28th. If you are clear, answer them to the best of your ability. Take your time and let it all hang out, lol, ok ?