Hi again!
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there is no stable, abiding "I" anywhere to be found, nor could there ever have been one.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
Just sitting here, the feeling of "self" or "me-ness" is really a combination of physical tensions and other sensations in my face and torso, coupled with self-referencing thoughts (including memory thoughts) all knitting together a net that is perceived as the illusory sense of "I".
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
When I look for the sense of me, the feeling vanishes, and in its place there is a sense of internal opening. It's a very subtle shift in perception where the visual field brightens (even with eyes closed,) and things feel a tad more vibrant and alive. There is often a little grin that appears, and sometimes a light bubbling of giddiness. Like a gentle effervescence. The biggest difference is a temporary quieting of thought where everything is able to just appear as it is without constant conceptualizing and narration.
The biggest difference from before the dialogue started was that I'm no longer plagued by doubts or chronic skepticism about it. That was truly my biggest hindrance in this whole process. The constant questioning has quieted down considerably. I've been pretty content all year, but I would say that my seeking energy has gone from a 10 to a 1 or 2 at the most. And that has changed most in the past week or two.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
This is a tricky question. It's come to light recently that I probably started SEEing back in May when I had a huge blissful awakening type of experience following a five-day meditation retreat. The thing was, the bliss and vibrancy and everything happened spontaneously walking outside on my street. If it had been preceded by a trigger statement about there not being a self, it would've been much more obvious to me at the time. (Though of course in retrospect, the whole retreat was, at its core, an effort to provoke exactly that realization, so... duh!)
And this current SEEing experience is so similar to other meditation experiences that I've had over the years that with all of the discussions of it, I was expecting an even bigger, more obvious event than the May one to signal crossing the Gate.
I think what led to this final bit of Awareness was actually listening to some video discussions with Robert Saltzman that basically popped the balloon of my expectations. So the relaxation that followed allowed the full recognition to dawn. The thinking and judging and expecting more kept getting in the way.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
It initially feels like I'm choosing something, but when really observed, the decision has been made well before I'm consciously aware of it. Everything is happening by unconscious processes and the thinking mind takes ownership of the choice with post-hoc rationalizations.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Similar to decision, "I" don't know when the intention to do something really begins. Words keep appearing on this screen because there is some sort of internal intention to answer these questions, but I have no idea how it's happening, or how to influence what the words will be. Most of my life doesn't even feel like I am trying to exercise will or intention. It seems like autopilot even without close scrutiny. And when there is actual LOOKing for it, it's clear that the feeling of intention arises after the action is happening or has happened.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
I haven't believed in free will for years, initially not from DE, but because it's obvious that we didn't choose our DNA, families, living conditions, etc. And that everything is dependent upon, and influenced by, the state of every other thing in the universe, going back to whatever came before the big bang.
But in terms of DE, it's clear that there is no "me" to be found, so who could possibly be exercising free will? Everything in this body/mind is an automatic process happening, so who could be in there to make decisions or push things around to its liking?
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
I feel like a bit of a broken record, but related to the previous few questions, who is there to choose? Choices and decisions arise from somewhere in the subconscious of the brain, and then some other thinking bit comes online after to take credit for something it had nothing to do with. If I try to choose which mug to drink from, the arm is already reaching out to one of them before I have the idea of which it should go for.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
Again, essentially the same as the previous answers, control is an illusion. Things happen, the brain sometimes convinces itself that it had control and got what it wanted even though it had nothing to do with it. Again, since it's right in front of me, who is controlling the hands typing these words? In my DE, everything just appears.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
This is another tricky question. From DE, I have no idea how anything happens. Things appear, something becomes aware of it an instant later, and then thinking judges it, takes credit for it, etc. But the happenings just happen. As far as how it works, I will leave that to the neuroscientists. I've heard a lot of very plausible explanations of how the brain makes predictions, then choices, then creates our own versions of "reality", and fabricates the illusion of self. But it's all borrowed knowledge for me. I have no way to verify it, so I'll refrain from hypothesizing anything further.
Outside of this body, Life just Lifes. It's a big messy process constantly changing and interacting with itself.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
With no free will, and no individual self, who could be responsible for anything? The feeling of responsibility and guilt for unskillful actions still arises. But it can be seen through as soon as it's Looked into. I'm certainly not responsible for this SEEing. It's been a long road of tons of influences (some beneficial, some that were more like barriers) that all reconditioned the brain responses that led to this change of perception. But it definitely wasn't "my" doing or else it would've been done decades ago!
6) Anything to add?
Just that, again, I think the process took much longer than was necessary because I had absorbed so many exaggerated expectations of what "crossing the Gate" would look/feel like. And that many years of skeptical defensive thinking were keeping things mired in thought, rather than just relaxing and accepting whatever is. (Sorry, Stacy!)
And again, had the post-retreat bliss state happened during this dialogue I would've immediately attributed it to SEEing and it likely would've been a much more expedited affair. Instead I was chasing that particular dragon for 8 months.
Also, the SEEing state is available any time "I" drop in to check in with it. But I was laboring under the delusion that it had to be a 24/7 perceptual change to be done with this. I heard people say it, but it didn't get through.
There was no honeymoon period. I think because I've been conceptually convinced of no-self for many years, and have had those other meditation experiences, so this just felt so ordinary and obvious that it wasn't being accepted as IT.
Lastly, I think one of the most helpful things in the past couple of months has been the inclusion in the LU monthly Zoom meetings. It's been great having a guide, and I've watched all of the videos on the LU YouTube page. But the humanizing and grounding effect of interacting with other people who have seen, and hearing their continued personalities and highs and lows in life, were instrumental in bursting that expectation bubble and bringing it to a more reasonable place. Of course they also added valuable insight and feedback along the way!
Thank you all very much for everything you've done!
-Todd