Looking for guidance - am tired of the cycle of becoming

[Seeker2019]

Hey Sioned

sure, lets see what the final questions say :)

xxx
Alex

[Seamist]

Here you go:

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was
there ever?
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from
your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen?
How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
6) Anything to add?
xx
xx

[Seeker2019]

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was
there ever?

No there isn't any, there never was

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from
your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

he illusion is that we think there must be a separate, sufficient, independent self that exists apart from the world and others. And we think this self is in control of thoughts and emotions, and that it lives in the body.
There is a perspective to experience, an individuality. The experience of mental events is private to one person: Thoughts and emotions are only experienced by one person, each has an own experience. We think that the source of happiness lies in taking control of our environment and our circumstances and for the survival and reproduction of a primitive organism that makes sense. But it leads us to believe that there is a controller, a doer, that acts in the world our of its own will. That this controlling instance is a thing that exists, independent, and we think that is what we are. "It is me". We think for an action to happen there must be a doer, for a thought to arise, there must be a thinker. For this making of the experience of the independent self starts with a contraction, a resistance, a tightening around a thought or emotion. It is an identification with the thought or emotion or sensation. Pain arises and and a thought comes "I am in pain". If i tighten around the thought, if I believe it, a world is created: there is alex in the world and he is in pain. It is a mental construct, a concept. When I drop out of it and just see that there is pain arising, and see that there is a thought about, then the world vanishes, no one is there to suffer.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.

It is liberating to see this, but at the same time it doesn't really feel special. It is like seeing a fact that was always there, right in front of me. It is more like getting right of a belief, instead of having a new belief. It is a shedding of something false. The difference now is that I really don't care as much as before about it. I registered as "Seeker2019" because I was driven, slightly obsessed with having a certain experience and realizing something. Now it is not so important. There is still a part that wants to know "did I really do it?" a part that hopes for validation. But thats not me, its just a thought, and I am sure this part of my psyche will never shut up, never be satisfied. I am sure it has good intentions and I do not want to see it as something that needs to shut up... but it has no power anymore. Live has an easiness to it, its hard to describe how. It is not that anything outside has changed. With all the chaos in the world there is a lot that weighs down on this mind. But it feels like it is not going deep into the core. It stays on the surface of my inner perception. Lets compare it with taste: life still tastes as before: bitter or sweet, nice or not nice, but there is just the experience of the taste without the constant struggle to have it different.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?

I do not know :) I was sitting on retreat in silent meditation, experiencing strong emotions, anger and lots of stories about that. Suddenly my attention dropped in the body, I saw sensations, emotions, thoughts separating. It felt like my world opened up, everything got more bright and spacious and suddenly the anger that I felt all around turned its color... wush! and it was full of love. I do not know it this was what made me look. Its just that I know beginning with that experience I felt a deep peace and equanimity that grew for the next couple of days. I just realized that everything will be ok, even if I forget all this, and drop back into my old collapsed, tightened and contracted state of being, that ultimately its not different. It is not me who is then suffering from the small, constricted sense of being. It never was. Sue, the open, wide aware state with a fluid sense of self is rationally preferable, it is not better in any way because it is always there, just the sense of me collapses into something small that is suffering, but its not me anyway.

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen?
How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

Decision: I do not know how a decision is made. I think the conscious thought "I decided this and that" is not the decision. A decision is made somehow, and we become aware of it, and the conscious mind says: "I have decided this and that". Intention is interesting, because I think this is were we have some leverage to work with our mind and conditioning. An intention is like a statement of what we want to happen / do. But then it is also a decision, who intends something? Free will, choice, control. Oh man, heavy topic! To be honest I just don't see much interest right now in getting into these heavy concepts... They are so ... unreal? Made up? Right now more interesting is what is really in front of me, what is going on now in the body, the mind, and not these concepts. So anyway... I think for the most part I don't know. I think most decisions are influenced by so many things in our psychology, memories, and are heavily influenced by society, and other people to. So it is more like our mind is part of a super system with boundaries that are not clearly defined. I do not think that there is an entity that makes decisions in us, and thus I do not believe there is an entity that can have free will... I also do not believe that everything is predetermined or that we are just machines, autonomatons, just a predictable system. How this works I don't know.

Examples: Let's say I think about what to have for lunch. Thoughts appear in the mind, different options maybe. Finally a though appears: "I will have pizza". I may think that I decided, but I just get aware of the decision that appears from the unconscious. Neither did I make the thoughts appear about the options I have, not did I pick one. My mind may even continue to have doubts if the choice of pizza is right. It is more like a congress trying to reach consensus.

The thing where it gets hard to understand for me is reactions and triggers. Here is an example from the past days. My wife is having a lot of stress at work and has to make difficult decisions and is often feeling overwhelmed. Now she comes to me, upset, unhappy, and reacting badly to something. For me from the outside the issue may not seem so bad, but I get upset because I see hear suffering. That makes me feel bad. A part of me wants to tell her to stop making such a fuss and that this is no reason to get upset. In the past this was quite difficult for me and I often had the tendency to withdraw and shut down. The typical thing: strong emotions and thoughts triggering habit patterns, the mind collapsed into a small world where there is a simple reality: alex and this bad thing thats happening, make it stop, make it go away. Now the reaction is different, the collapse does not happen and I stay present with the bigger picure and am able to comfort her, be there and not shut down. Did I decide to do that? No, it just happens. It is part of my intentions, the intentions that I try to cultivate to be compassionate, kind, to stay open and present. These intentions are somehow laying new patterns in the mind. So even the way we react to something, if we can be present and accepting or if we push it away is probably not a decision we make in the moment. But it is formed by out intentions and what we cultivate. So where does this intention come from, why do we cultivate kindness and patience? They are also decision that have been made, due to former conditioning. Conditioning that is influenced by society, people, books we read, thoughts we think. It is all one big thing. Maybe its like this: not I make decisions, but life just moves in a certain direction. Not only "my" life, but life as a whole, one thing. The whole universe unfolds and we are just one expression of that. Simultaneously apart and the universe itself.
Well, here we go... Words don't really do it justice.

6) Anything to add?
First, looking at this it seems I can't really give good answers to these final questions. I think probably what I saw and experience now is not the final goal of what we aim for here at the gatecrashers. So I would say strictly speaking we are not finished. But I would like us to leave it at that for now. I feel whatever I experienced and whatever shift I made, is something to explore further. It may well be it is not permanent and I may loose it all soon. What do you think Sioned, should we continue?

[Seamist]

Dear Alex
Your answers are lovely, a joy to read. Thank-you!
I'm happy that you're "done" in terms of this piece of work. Remember how we talked about expectations at the beginning, and how it's not going to be like you expect it to be? I think that this may be what's going on for you now. There is more to explore post-LU, if you chose to do it - it's just a point along the way, albeit a significant one.

What I'd like to do now, if you're ok with it, is to post your answers to the senior guides for checking. Would that be ok with you?

xx Sioned

[Seeker2019]

Dear Sioned,

Again, good point with the expectations. I think I have abandoned a lot of expectations lately :)

I think I would be interested to explore more down the line, but for now, I think I like to explore a bit on my own.

Sure, feel free to post it to the seniors. I think whatever their assessment is, it doesn't change my experience. I am not really looking for validation, but I think it is also important to get some outside perspective, so that I am not stuck in something.

Anyway, let me know before we two say our final goodbye

Xx
Alex

[Seamist]

Ok, I'll post to the confirmers now. Sometimes they come back with a question for clarification... sometimes not.I'll let you know how that goes xxx

[Seamist]

That's you confirmed, Alex.
You'll get a private message here, look out for it
A pleasure guiding you!
Go well!
Sioned

[Seeker2019]

Hey Sioned,

wow, what a read this was. What to be honest, I think I am still integrating some stuff so maybe it would be good to connect to some folks.

I am not sure what to write, and again first let me start by saying: Thank you for doing this with me. I am deeply grateful for your guidance! If there is anything I could do for you, let me know. I am sure I will honor the time and energy that needs to be put into this and hope to do good.

Be well, and happy, free from suffering, my friend.

Alex

[Seeker2019]

edit: I meant, what a ride this was :)