Hi Ian
Thank you for going in with writing the examples.
I am actually more struck by your words here :
For years I thought self enquiry and non-duality modalities in general, and LU seeing more specifically as (rather naively) equating to some upgrade in wellbeing. 'Getting this' would mean life was easier, happier and somehow more free (whatever that might mean). That there would be reassurance and reconciliation with the at times, confusing and uncomfortable experience of being. I'm sure there were attempts to caution me this was not the case, but of course these were disregarded in the always-on seeking to find more okay-ness. After all, it was accepted that awakening modalities were the answer to suffering, dissatisfaction, a lack of self acceptance and the wish to be recognised, to be special. It would be pointless to adopt blame for this, as fundamentally I am a being in a flow of seemingly good and bad experiences and entirely vulnerable to wishing to be more okay, and less not okay.
Instead, to borrow a word from a friend, it all seems very stark. It is as though belief in a me, and unexamined familiarity with a body here and participation in a familiar ongoing dynamic with other bodies and characters is a dream like hypnosis and while in ways illusory, is in place for a 'purpose'. A purpose in as much as to look outside it is extremely stark and disconcerting. It is simply a bizarre mystery as to why, or what is going on, but moreover there is an absence of comforting places to turn or answers to be got. The Being is scrambled and there is a wish to scurry back to the dream as a comfort zone where things kinda make sense (in a dream like illusory way), and there is hope and answers. Of course, when the bizarre mystery is known, it is no longer possible to be asleep in the preceding dream.
This doesn't answer the remaining questions on doer-ship however.
There can be disappointment, where expectations are not met. And it is quite common for some seekers to find themselves in a nihilistic kind of space soon after noticing that there’s no self. This doesn’t have to be a permanent condition unless it crystallizes into a new fixed view of life.
I’ve often found it hard to decipher some of your longer paragraphs. It tends to be easier (for me) to communicate using fewer words that get to the point, even if bluntly sometimes. I wish you would. This is not a criticism at all; just a request to say things in fewer words, to be concise and to stop trying to say quite so much. Does that make sense? Is that fair? I’m certain you could be more economical with words and get to your points directly.
Do you see a danger in adopting a fixed view of life as “stark”?
But let’s say that stark is how it seems.
Have you tried sitting with the starkness?
What if starkness just shows up because it wants to be seen , recognised, accepted? Is there a recoiling from starkness?
Let me know what you think of what I’ve said
Best wishes
Jon