Ending the constant searching

[Trinidiana]

Hi Vince

Thank you for the sweet email and update.
I am sorry you had a health scare and an happy that you are well now.
Your self hypnosis dealing with the problem is amazing,
I have some questions for you, when you first got the news that it was alarming and pre cancerous, how did you handle it, did it bring up thoughts of death and fears?
Also, what made you do self hypnosis, how did this 'choice ' come up for you, is it something you have done before?
How did you get yourself to believe in the story of self hypnosis, how is it different from believing say in astrology which I know you don’t, or prayer?
I hope you don’t mind me asking all these questions but that’s what came to mind.

Can you imagine that these feelings are optional.
Once you see this, you will of course laugh at them when they arise.
..and let me tell you that what they are based on is a fiction.
You have to have a self to be self-deprecating. So a story of self-deprecation requires a story of a self. If those stories can exist, then so can a story of "it doesn't matter."

Yes I can imagine and see this . It’s really the diligence of seeing this.

If you didn't already, can you see the difference between sadness and grief?
i think that our pets are our teachers on so many levels.

Yes we have talked about sadness and grief before and I do feel the difference, the sadness is pure emotion, not pleasant but one can accept it without the pure suffering that the stories that grief brings up inevitably lead to..

Yes our pets sure are, as are our children, spouses, parents, work associates , maybe even characters on tv or from novels don’t you think? I guess everything is our teacher. Activities we partake in as well for sure

Even the bad shit offers beauty and learning. i don't know how to put it into words but life can be really crap and really good at the same time.

This is classic Vince. Yes so true!

You are exactly where you need to be at this time. When you wake up hell transforms into heaven, yet it's the same.

I consider this also a classic. I like this very much, I choose to trust in its sentiment. First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is

It's all THIS!
Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. The future and the past just mind stuff now. THIS is all.

I still only know this intellectually.

Ha, I don't fill my days. Days fill me. There aren't enough waking hours to complete what is in front of me.

Beautiful and isn’t it true. Go with the flow, row row your boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream indeed Maybe I need to take it less seriously.

Xoxoxo
Diana

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Diana,

when you first got the news that it was alarming and pre cancerous, how did you handle it, did it bring up thoughts of death and fears?

No, it didn't even register that it was that serious. (but even if it did, I can die anytime with peace - yet to be tested)
Some distress arrived with the idea of 3 hours of travelling to Sydney for the radiation treatment 6 times over a year.

what made you do self hypnosis, how did this 'choice ' come up for you, is it something you have done before?

Yes. Back in 1997 i had bowel cancer and had my ascending colon removed and had been going through chemotherapy for 5 month (of a 6 month course)
i was profoundly depressed from the chemo. i even vomited when driving past the turnoff to the hospital where the chemo was administered. At a consult with the oncologist, he asked what would happen if he didn't have the last month treatment, and was blown away at the answer. "Oh, there will be a 1% greater chance that the cancer will return.
This flipped a switch for me. At that point i ceased to be a victim and took a different attitude. Pulled the plug on chemo, but the oncologist said "but we want you to have a colonoscopy as you haven't had one yet.
Well the results came back with a sickening thud. "you are riddled with polyps and we want to remove the rest of you bowel." i asked to have another colonoscopy in 6 weeks with the intention of doing something about it for myself. They booked me in for another scan in 10 weeks.
i went to an yoga retreat for 4 weeks and did intensive cleaning, yoga, meditation, self-hypnosis,(I had been a practising hypnotherapist for 5 years some time before, so knew about it) etc and when the scan happened there were no polyps. Not one. That was 24 years ago & I've been healthy ever since.
Now i have no idea what actually rid this body of those polyps, but i do know that ceasing to be the victim played a huge part in it.

THIS is all.

I still only know this intellectually.

Then check it out for yourself.
What is actual? - your current experiencing. THIS
Is there anything else? - only mind stuff. Concepts

with love

vince

[Trinidiana]

HI Vince

Well, another day goes by, dealing with my cat not getting better with mysterious fever, low platelets, heartbreaking to see him sick. Then of course this news with the shooting in Texas with all those children dead and the usual thoughts and prayers from the politicians. Its hard for this to not break my heart and have anger, my son alone has had five code reds for the year in his school, and one person entered with a gun. America is going nuts and yet will continue to go down this path as the world and the sane ones here watch with horror.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your account of when you had cancer before . I like how you express your change in attitude and the difference it made. Thoughts can cause change. I had no idea that you were a practicing hypnotherapist. Wow . Amazing story.

Then check it out for yourself.
What is actual? - your current experiencing. THIS
Is there anything else? - only mind stuff. Concepts

Well, yes if I check out my current experience right now, I can only find THIS. Just my actual experience and everything else is mind stuff. However all sorts of other experiences are happening all over the world and universe, its all part of THIS, I just dont find it helpful to know or say “ Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. The future and the past just mind stuff now. THIS is all.”

It might all be mind stuff but there are lot of broken hearts. If not in my immediate experience (luckily) then in many others. Yes I I get its all one But sometimes its not helpful. I hear non dual teachers all the time say this is it, this is all there is, its all THIS, well I guess if you are not experiencing that then it just sounds mysterious and just plain ununderstandable………. (I think i made up that word)

Anyway, i just saw what you sent me, going to look at it now, just browsing the beginning I must say I dont understand why you thought of me, hopefully the mystery will become clear as I read

Xoxo
Diana

[vinceschubert]

'evening Diana,

I don't understand why you thought of me,

I don't either. i saw the thoughts arise, but the why wasn't apparent.
Other thoughts say that it might be something about how you might see everything from a different perspective.
Not necessarily one that the book advocates exactly.
You are awake in every way but one, and that one keeps the old perspective active.
A different perspective will still see all of the shitty stuff but without being sucked into it.
There will still be compassion but without the guilt of not being able to do anything about it. It is a wider, more open perspective so you will be in a better position to 'change the world'.
That perspective also invites much more beauty into your experiencing.
It changes you from being a victim to being in tune with creation. You become a creator.
Then you can start guiding and if every body that you accompany through the gate also guides... well we are on the way to changing the idiocy of mankind.. (good story aye?)

it just sounds mysterious and just plain ununderstandable

It is understandable. It's a fucking wonder full mystery. Lovely, beautiful...

with love

vince

[Trinidiana]

Hi Vince,

It seems that I wait until the right moment to write to you when I have time, but I think this may not be the best approach, maybe its best if i write a little even if i feel its incomplete. What do you think, or dont your care? I mean to say are you neutral on this, I know of course you care.

I am always thinking of what I want to tell you during the day, and little discoveries I make etc.

Anyway, so this might be a bit all over the place and disjointed, because it’s been about three weeks. That flew by and were busy and emotional .

LIfe is surely showing me that I have no control, not that I thought I had but you know what I mean. So my 11 year old cat from Trinidad is no longer existing as a cat being on this planet. I ended up putting him down, as the hope that he would recover became less with every visit and the non response to the drugs in a positive way yet the healthy parts of this body responded by getting sicker. He suffered yet purred till the end and was full of love. We loved each other. Poor little guy, I loved him soooooo much. I know it’s just a story but after my other cat of 22, also brought from Trinidad passed this year, I just assumed I would have my little boy here for a long time. I rescued him by catching him in my hands and he fit in the palm of my hand he was that small. It’s been a long journey together. Turned out it probably was some kind of bone marrow or blood cancer though I will never know for sure. I like to think everything has a reason, strange it was so soon after the other cat died, but i think thats just a story, I know I spent thousands and thousands of dollars, did all I could, gave him so much love and was there with him at the ‘end’, and that no matter what I ‘assumed’ would happen, Life had other plans for me and him. (Man plans and God laughs, oh how true this saying is). Anyway I miss him terribly but am in complete acceptance, therefore it’s sadness and not grief. ‘Missing” is a painful emotion. Sometimes I notice if I get too carried away in thoughts of him and when its not beneficial.

My few health issues also continue ,’ it’s whatever’. (See below where I explain this phrase lol ) Another thing that has come up is my brother has been helping this Ukrainian girl and her daughter. I believe it may be evolving into something romantic. She has got permission to come to Canada on a visa. He cannot be there on the day she arrives and I am going to go meet her in Toronto and help. What a thing , her story is insane, and her acceptance of her situation and finding hope and gratitude is incredible. And also what the Ukrainian people have been going through for hundreds of years.

Hmm. So now onto this investigation here, of course life and it are totally intertwined are they not?

I was so excited after my sons graduation to tell you something , but it has faded a bit. But still I will try. So you know how you are always telling us that its just THIS, which I get , intellectually yes, somewhat experientially, of course its all this, what else could it be, anyway, well, one of the brilliant students who spoke, a very smart charismatic young man had a speech, he called it “It’s whatever”. He said I invented a new phrase, “It’s whatever”. He talked about his life in the last few years , challenges etc,then explained that in life , it’s all moment by moment , you deal with what shows up, because , ‘it’s whatever’ and you deal with it. I wish I had the darn speech, but what I got from it was exaclty what you mean by ‘its just this’. Its all similar to the ‘it is what it is’ saying but that got so overused and negatively tarnished in my opinion. He was saying that everything is what is presenting itself NOW, it’s just whatever, just THis and you can go through life that way, moment to moment, it’s whATEVER, it’s what shows up, today, maybe health condition, maybe a cat’s death, maybe a death in a war, maybe unexpected euphoria and joy, and on and on it goes. Anyway, thought you would like that, aah we get wisdom in so many places dont we. from the mouth of an 18 year old ‘babe”. I think ‘its just THIS’ or ‘its whatever’ when understood implies an acceptance and makes life easier. Forgoes a lot of suffering stories. I’ve been thinking a lot of how this is life day by day, moment by moment, how impossible it is to predict, how everything seems to proceed as it should, as it must, as it will, inevitably. . Fears creep in and wishing things could be different yet I realise the futility and the ensuing suffering .

I was ‘thinking” or noticing that in any moment what we have are the physical body sensations, via sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. In human’s case its human ensue apparatuses and it’s different for each physical creature. Added to those are the internal body sensations, stretch, tension, energy, pain,not sure what exactly they come under but they are physical though usually overlayed by a story with us humans. Then there is thinking and feeling, or thoughts and emotions, intertwined and related, are they exaclty the same, what is emotion without any thought? Can a raw emotion exist without thought? It Cant really be put into words. Anyway, its all this, its ‘whatever”, its all changing and merging and happening all the time. And thats all any physical being on earth has and then we expire and whatever else happens is mystery. a

Its clear to me that the self is an overlay, simply thought patterns. I really have seen this Vince, this first portal, after twenty five pages no less. Ha ha. The self is so clearly a made up story. But its very powerful. For humans. At this time even more, hence the polarization.

The sense of ‘me’ is still there , but lighter and more easily seen through , in fact Diana sense is more like personality or preferences , much as all animals too have differences in their ‘nature ‘ . Condition and triggers of course are always in play. Its all the play of life. Its all this, its all whatever. This I know.

So where to now, I will probably be able to make the Sunday 5am your time meeting . Still not my comfort zone those meetings. Feelings of shyness, inadequacy , too much having to ‘self’.

Well thats it for now though I feel there was more I wanted to say, I will let it rest for now

Xoxxo
Diana

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Diana,

It seems that I wait until the right moment to write to you when I have time,

Ha yes. Replies work like that too..

maybe its best if i write a little even if i feel its incomplete. What do you think,

That sounds like a good idea. It has been a long time since I have heard from you.

I am always thinking of what I want to tell you during the day, and little discoveries I make etc.

Then tell me as they come up.

LIfe is surely showing me that I have no control,

Yes, it is constantly showing us this (& other things)

I’ve been thinking a lot of how this is life day by day, moment by moment, how impossible it is to predict, how everything seems to proceed as it should, as it must, as it will, inevitably. . Fears creep in and wishing things could be different yet I realise the futility and the ensuing suffering.

Good stuff. Of course, thinking about it can give you a kind of a high, but how do we put it into practice?
For me, it was inviting the thought to arise whenever an unpleasant emotion happened.
The intention for the unpleasant emotion to become a trigger that reminded me of THIS.

Its clear to me that the self is an overlay, simply thought patterns. I really have seen this Vince,

Yay! Excellent. Now this is really important. You need to find a sensation that expresses this. How do you feel when you remind yourself of what you have seen?
When you clearly recognize the actual nature of the illusion of an existing self, do you feel something that you can pinpoint?
When those pesky doubt thoughts visit, you need to look for this sensation, this feeling and anchor to it. This will dispel those doubt thoughts.

this first portal, after twenty five pages no less

Having fallen through this portal, we quickly approach another. This one is desire and aversion.
Do you catch yourself wanting things to be different?
Wishing THIS was something else?
How would you go about falling through this portal?

quote=Trinidiana]
I will probably be able to make the Sunday 5am your time meeting
[/quote]That's Monday 5am Sydney time. It'll be Sunday for you.

Still not my comfort zone those meetings. Feelings of shyness, inadequacy , too much having to ‘self’.

There's a lot of habit to examine there. Recognizing the actuality of a self makes this stuff less sticky.
i really hope to see you there. (in six hours)


with love

vince[

[Trinidiana]

Hi Vince

Just a quick one, going to try to be more frequent and shorter.

The meeting was very good indeed, I felt very light after.

I was brought down to earth though very quickly as I went to start cooking and it felt like my son and my husband were speaking sooooooooo loudly. THe energy is high with them, not calm. I keep telling myself THIS is it, THIS is what is presenting. But I’m not going to lie, there was that wishing that it could be different, this is a big part of I know what goes on with me, non acceptance of the current moment. And great annoyance that comes up. Let’s just say my harmony was disturbed.

I’ve been thinking a lot of how this is life day by day, moment by moment, how impossible it is to predict, how everything seems to proceed as it should, as it must, as it will, inevitably. . Fears creep in and wishing things could be different yet I realise the futility and the ensuing suffering.

Good stuff. Of course, thinking about it can give you a kind of a high, but how do we put it into practice?
For me, it was inviting the thought to arise whenever an unpleasant emotion happened.
The intention for the unpleasant emotion to become a trigger that reminded me of THIS.

Exactly, it’s the putting into practice indeed that is the hard part. Are you saying here that whenever an unpleasant emotion arised, you had the intention for it to become a trigger to just remember THIS, as in in it’s what it is, I was doing that yesterday but that in no way helped me to have less suffering . Maybe it did help somewhat but it felt more like a resigned acceptance. You invited ‘what thought’ to arise exactly, just trying to follow this .

Its clear to me that the self is an overlay, simply thought patterns. I really have seen this Vince,

Yay! Excellent. Now this is really important. You need to find a sensation that expresses this. How do you feel when you remind yourself of what you have seen?
When you clearly recognize the actual nature of the illusion of an existing self, do you feel something that you can pinpoint?
When those pesky doubt thoughts visit, you need to look for this sensation, this feeling and anchor to it. This will dispel those doubt thoughts.

NO luck so far with this at all. I mean I guess one feels lighter but I can’t actually pinpoint a feeling in my body. Will keep at it though. What is it for you?

Having fallen through this portal, we quickly approach another. This one is desire and aversion.
Do you catch yourself wanting things to be different?
Wishing THIS was something else?
How would you go about falling through this portal?

Yes I catch myself wanting things to be different a lot, like a LOT, especially when it comes to family. Just like the example I gave about yesterday. So this is another portal I have to fall through, is this like a fetter thing? The only way I could see falling though this portal at present is to just notice it and recognize that ‘it’s whatever’ and that there is no use arguing with reality and that resisting it causes thoughts that cause suffering. Hopefully that will allow it to drop quicker, am i on the right track here? I am trying to notice when I do this when I complain which is basically the same thing and when I have a ‘should” which is usually a judgement against myself but could be the family thing too, like I feel that my family ‘should ‘ be able to speak in normal decibel voices.

finally , I was thinking about Leona (who I felt was very helpful, as well as Todd), the way she talked about brining up any feeling of self and expanding it until it disappeared. Not sure if I could that as I am not that visual. Also, I have been thinking about the expectation that could be holding me back, I think it’s that I expect to feel at least a moment of joy or laughter or something like a big aha for an instant . Like some instant that I would realise the big joke. I dont know, everything always seems to be a very gradual subtle unfolding with me.

Well I think thats it for now
X0x0x0
Diana

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Diana,

my son and my husband were speaking sooooooooo loudly.

I get that. Your sensitivity is high especially when you are in an introspective mood. What about those foam ear plugs that you can buy at any hardware store.

I’m not going to lie, there was that wishing that it could be different,

Ok, this is big. If wishing arises, then it is THIS. Then recognizing it is what we are looking for. Nothing else.
If recognition happens - great. If it happens minutes/hours/days later - great. Nothing else (except maybe laughing)
The reason that I mentioned desire an aversion as a portal is because they are evidence of a more subtle identification with self. With I Am.

Are you saying here that whenever an unpleasant emotion arose, you had the intention for it to become a trigger to just remember THIS, as in it’s what it is,

Yes. An intention arose to have an intention (of remembering) whenever the trigger of unpleasantness happened.

but that in no way helped me to have less suffering

Of course. You can't make suffering go away. That's like putting effort into not trying, or straining to relax.
The evaporation of suffering happens on it's own (just like everything happens) It will happen when the necessary conditions are present and aligned.

ut it felt more like a resigned acceptance.

That's a good start. So bring recognition to that. Once you see that it is resignation, you will laugh and be more accepting of the surrender. At some point you will welcome unpleasantness as an opportunity to discover identification.

I mean I guess one feels lighter but I can’t actually pinpoint a feeling in my body.

Ha, this is an oxymoron. You have a sensation of lightness but don't feel anything????
Look for the lightness. That is a subtle, but tangible feeling.
Do you remember why we sought out a feeling?

The only way I could see falling though this portal at present is to just notice it and recognize that ‘it’s whatever’ and that there is no use arguing with reality and that resisting it causes thoughts that cause suffering.

Excellent, but don't make hard work out of it. Recognition is the key. The rest happens automatically.

I feel that my family ‘should ‘ be able to speak in normal decibel voices.

We are not trying to change them. We are using them to change ourselves.

I was thinking about Leona (who I felt was very helpful, as well as Todd), the way she talked about brining up any feeling of self and expanding it until it disappeared. Not sure if I could that as I am not that visual.

The feeling of self for you might be tactile not visual.
So if every time you feel annoyed, if you bring up your representation of "who" is annoyed then expending it.....

the expectation that could be holding me back,

Just recognize it...
You could also use the recognition of this to ask "who" is having the expectation and expanding it....

I dont know, everything always seems to be a very gradual subtle unfolding with me.

As it is with most people. Especially those who have done a lot of work earlier.
Ha, just after wakingup, I remember feeling envious of those that had the big epiphany. After guiding the first twenty of so I saw the few that did have one, lose it after a short time and suffer the same doubts that everyone else did.

with love

vince

[Trinidiana]

Good evening Vince , well its actually after midnight here….

I get that. Your sensitivity is high especially when you are in an introspective mood. What about those foam ear plugs that you can buy at any hardware store

Yes , that’s so right about sensitivity being high, I realise that whenever I feel calm and quiet , I am more sensitive to loudness and hyperness. Like right now, its midnight, but hubby who being in restaurant business only came home a bit ago is ranting about the neighbors leaving their garbage on our side and he having to clean up. I am just not engaging. Its actually not bothering me but somewhat disturbs my quietness. On Sunday though when I said they were so loud, I was cooking and engaging with them so could not wear earplugs, it was pretty torturous.

Ok, this is big. If wishing arises, then it is THIS. Then recognizing it is what we are looking for. Nothing else.
If recognition happens - great. If it happens minutes/hours/days later - great. Nothing else (except maybe laughing)
The reason that I mentioned desire an aversion as a portal is because they are evidence of a more subtle identification with self. With I Am.

Yes , wishing it is different happens over and over, and I am beginning to see that this too is THIS or WHATEVER. So, for me, arguing with reality happens and is part of THIS. Life is never static. A lot of time there is turbulence. Ok ….so you are saying all that is ‘necessary ‘ is to recognize that the wishing arises and of course even if it doesnt, that’s that’s THIS too. Ok, but I Cannot do the laughing with the annoying things so far, but I think I can recognize them, I do actually a lot of the time recognize them. I think that there is then an immediate inner criticism of me somehow thinking I shouldn’t wish it to be different or to argue with reality. I’m annoyed that I annoyed, how dumb is that?

For example , just now, I recognized that I was wishing something different when my hubby told me that my Mum had told him that she wants Ron DeSantis to be president, also that shes of course NOT watching the hearings and that once DeSantis is POTUS, Trump can still oversee everything. Just typing this makes my blood pressure rise, ok, so, I recognize I wish it weren’t so that shes part of a cult it seems in that she likes these strong men types and Trump, a criminal, can do no wrong in her eyes , I recognize that I wish this were not so. I recognize the absolute futility of this wishing and that it’s causing suffering. I am annoyed that I am annoyed and that I am resisting being annoyed. That I shouldn’t be annoyed somehow. Even as I recognize that it’s THIS. So recognizing, but still resisting.

but that in no way helped me to have less suffering

Of course. You can't make suffering go away. That's like putting effort into not trying, or straining to relax.
The evaporation of suffering happens on it's own (just like everything happens) It will happen when the necessary conditions are present and aligned.

Right , so this follows exactly from what I was just saying. So to take the example of my Mum, I cant make the suffering go away and putting effort into not trying doesnt work. The evaporation of the suffering will go because I wont dwell on it, but it occupies a lot of my mental space, has for the last thirty mins, why are the necessary conditions for it to happen quicker not there. Is it that big triggers just take longer? Why is this pattern so repetitive?

but it felt more like a resigned acceptance.

That's a good start. So bring recognition to that. Once you see that it is resignation, you will laugh and be more accepting of the surrender. At some point you will welcome unpleasantness as an opportunity to discover identification.

Ok , so continuing with this example since it fits, I have accepted I cant change my Mum’s mind, I am recognizing that, the resigned acceptance, but there is no laughing and real acceptance. I feel like i am nowhere near the point of welcoming unpleasantness as an opportunity to discover identification. I definitely see the identification , but I dont really understand how this is supposed to be gratifying. What am I missing. Yes obviously to wake up and see, but these annoyances are well ‘annoying’ and then as I just said, I’m annoyed that I’m annoyed

i mean I guess one feels lighter but I can’t actually pinpoint a feeling in my body.

Ha, this is an oxymoron. You have a sensation of lightness but don't feel anything????
Look for the lightness. That is a subtle, but tangible feeling.
Do you remember why we sought out a feeling?

Yes. It would be an oxymoron. I think I misspoke, I said lighter but should not , because I did not have a sensation of lightness. In fact though I see it all play out, I dont know if I get any sensation or even satisfaction. Just more observation with no feeling identified. Just that it somehow feels good to see though it because sometimes I catch a glimpse of the delusion. What is it that you say, delusion becoming illusion. There were some moments today though when I felt light and happy. Watching a sunset, just going with the flow of the day, I am not sure why that was though so can’t pinpoint anything really. It wasnt because I was seeing through self, I wasn’t even thinking of any self. I was just existing. I was aware that things felt ‘right’ and ‘ok’. Its like slight elation , which feels good

To answer your question about if i remember why we are seeking out a feeling, I think you said because when doubts occur, we can go to that feeling and anchor ourself there. Help quicken the recognition. Kind of how years ago which I still remember you told me that when I heard the hawks screech I could use that sound as a kind of grounding or remembrance. I think its something like that. Sounds are more effective for me than visuals or body stuff.

To conclude, I agree that making hard work out of it is silly and pointless, you say recognition is the key and the rest happens automatically, I guess from this post, what I am saying is that the recognition is happening, not sure about the rest happening automatically part though. I do resonate with the idea of using the triggers to change myself but still having a hard time doing that.

I will try to practice what you say with Leonas pointer because yes I do think I am not so visual. I ask myself , righ now , as I type this, who is annoyed at my mothers brainwashedness just to continue with that example. Who? All I can come up with is my patterning and conditioning, the thoughts swirling, are reacting to this trigger. These thoughts and patterns somehow that are in existence in ‘this’ awareness that sees to be operating through this body and i see thoughts reacting to thoughts. Thats all I see, I dont see a self or a person or anything like that reacting. But the thoughts and the feelings generated from the thoughts and feelings are still bubbling up. To expand it means letting the annoyance get greater and greater, I feel my eyes tense right now , tension in my head, thoughts fighting thoughts . They are not real but they are causing tension. Crazy. Thoughts are not real but they result in physical tension so they are powerful and real in that sense. This is what I am feeling at this moment. Every time i ask myself who is annoyed I am getting no one, just thoughts are annoyed, Thats so silly because I get that thoughts themselves cant be annoyed. Just feels like mental energy. All energy. Nothing concrete.

Whew, ok , well i think thats it for tonight, somehow this has made me stressed. I think its been helpful though.

Oh I wanted to ask you, do you think it would be helpful to reread all my threads on LU since 2017, I have three threads , 12 pages, then three pages , now 25 with you. Five years and 40 pages. Wow. Not that I care but isn’t that excessive, maybe me asking this means I do care. I dont know. Goodnight

Xoxo
Diana

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Diana,

engaging with them so could not wear earplugs

Those earplugs don't stop all sound. They just dampen the intensity. You could easily have a conversation with them in.

so you are saying all that is ‘necessary ‘ is to recognize that the wishing arises and of course even if it doesnt, that’s that’s THIS too.

Yes. Remember that by the time you become aware of what is happening that it is already in the past, so wishing it to be different is pointless and futile. It can't be changed.

I Cannot do the laughing with the annoying things so far,

You know, it's ok to fake it. A fake laugh (or even an internal smile) will change the hormones that are prevalent in the organism.

but I think I can recognize them,

This is much bigger than you can imagine. This is how the brain gets rewired. It just takes lots of repetition. That's why even a (seemingly) little realization is valuable.

there is then an immediate inner criticism of me somehow thinking I shouldn’t wish it to be different or to argue with reality. I’m annoyed that I annoyed, how dumb is that?

Very dumb... Is the annoyance THIS? WHATEVER?

The evaporation of the suffering will go because I wont dwell on it,

No, to end the suffering by depletion almost never works. Habit is too strong for that.
The suffering will go because you are building alternative responses to triggers. (which result in brain rewiring)

Is it that big triggers just take longer?

Deeper ones take more repetitions. More practice.

Why is this pattern so repetitive?

Habit.

I feel like i am nowhere near the point of

That's a response to old thinking habits. You don't feel it first. You think it, then feelings (of despair) come as a response to those thoughts.

I definitely see the identification , but I dont really understand how this is supposed to be gratifying.

That the recognition happens is an indication that you are progressing. Witnessing is a significant step in the healing process.

Just that it somehow feels good to see though it because sometimes I catch a glimpse of the delusion.

Ok, then latch onto that feeling. ..or do this exercise; Look for the self (even knowing that you won't find one) and observe the feeling that happens when you sigh and again know that there isn't one. repeat, repeat. Catch that feeling/sensation. Lock it in. Then think about the feeling and see if it comes back.

It wasnt because I was seeing through self, I wasn’t even thinking of any self. I was just existing. I was aware that things felt ‘right’ and ‘ok’. Its like slight elation , which feels good

Exactly. When you are doing this the ego (self reference) is absent. That's why you feel so good. It doesn't matte why. Just lock that feeling into memory.

not sure about the rest happening automatically part though.

Let's reevaluate that in a few weeks. (I have a feeling that things are moving quickly for you now)

I do resonate with the idea of using the triggers to change myself but still having a hard time doing that.

Ralax. You don't do anything. It happens (or not)

Oh I wanted to ask you, do you think it would be helpful to reread all my threads on LU since 2017

Yes, but do it really slowly. Each time that you come to something that 'moves' you, stop and let that percoate for 24 hours. Don't let it interfere with what we are currently working on.

with love

vince

[Trinidiana]

Hi Vince

Yes. Remember that by the time you become aware of what is happening that it is already in the past, so wishing it to be different is pointless and futile. It can't be changed.

Yes so true. Well I have been recognizing many times when I want things to be different, or thoughts that don’t make me feel good etc. so I am just practicing recognizing

You know, it's ok to fake it. A fake laugh (or even an internal smile) will change the hormones that are prevalent in the organism.

Alright. I am setting the intention to try this, why not? Why not? At least as you say it will be setting something good into motion instead of frustration

but I think I can recognize them,

This is much bigger than you can imagine. This is how the brain gets rewired. It just takes lots of repetition. That's why even a (seemingly) little realization is valuable.

Well, this is encouraging since recognizing is happening all the time, now I am going to just add an inner knowing gentle soft smile when I recognize, what do you think about also , if upon recognizing, that I smile and also say it’s whatever or just this too?

Very dumb... Is the annoyance THIS? WHATEVER?

Ha, yes that too! Jeez , this could go on indefinitely lol.

The evaporation of the suffering will go because I wont dwell on it,

No, to end the suffering by depletion almost never works. Habit is too strong for that.
The suffering will go because you are building alternative responses to triggers. (which result in brain rewiring)

Ok, this one is important , first I was thinking that once you recognize , it will drop automatically , but you aRe saying , that in order to quicken this process, there needs to be an additional step. Here is what I n getting from your comment, please tell me if I’m on the right track .Habits and triggers and conditioning are very strong , especially with the powerful triggers, they are sticky and since they have kind of been elevated ones whole life, just simple recognition will not cause them to easily evaporate, thus your idea of the rewiring , reconditioning and alternative responses. So an action has to be taken.

RECOGNITION ———————->INNER SMILE ————————————->BRAIN REWIRING ———————————->EVAPORATION OF SUFFERING

Rinse and repeat :) especially :

Deeper ones take more repetitions. More practice.

Especially for the stronger ones, practices in the above is required.
The whole process should be done gently I would add lest it get too left brained and rigid .

This is the usual response

trigger——-> thoughts ————>feelings of despair, annoyance, frustration and suffering

We are trying to insert the recognition in there, do I have that right? Then there will be two branches coming from thought, and we are trying to go in the direction of evaporation of suffering. BUT……. If suffering is happening, it’s fine too because IT'S WHATEVER.

That the recognition happens is an indication that you are progressing. Witnessing is a significant step in the healing process.

Good to know, and it must be true, most of the time, people are just caught up in the process so nothing will ever change

Ok, then latch onto that feeling. ..or do this exercise; Look for the self (even knowing that you won't find one) and observe the feeling that happens when you sigh and again know that there isn't one. repeat, repeat. Catch that feeling/sensation. Lock it in. Then think about the feeling and see if it comes back.

Alright. This will have to be practiced too, sometimes, for an instant, when I catch the illusionary nature, there’s a feeling of relief, like whew, I don’t have to bother with this, selfing is such an awful waste of energy and exhausting. So there is a lightness and freedom. I will try to catch that feeling more and see if I can lock it in. It’s also a definite NOT thinking, like a nothing, because at that moment, there is no mind stepping in narrating. So it’s hard to explain.

Exactly. When you are doing this the ego (self reference) is absent. That's why you feel so good. It doesn't matte why. Just lock that feeling into memory.

Right, this follows on, I am realising now this is huge.

Ok, we will, as you say, re-evaluate in a few weeks. i hope things are moving quickly for me now, I feel so too

Xoxoxo
Diana

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Diana, Wow. There is absolutely nothing in your post to respond to. Everything you said is spot on.
i suggest that you reread it with the intention to make it into your experiencing.
..and those questions that you asked me, you answered well.

Come back in 24 hours with descriptions of how you are responding differently (to how you used to)

with love

vince

[Trinidiana]

Oh wow. That’s a surprise, really wow!

Ok I am going to reread and will get back to you soon!

Xoxxo
Diana

[Trinidiana]

HI VInce

Sorry. I know it has been more than 24 hours.

I am afraid I don’t have that much to report. I am proceeding with the intention of making what I wrote and learned from you my experiencing. I am noticing how things just work out, or not, without the help of me. Life at times seems easier and then a voice might come in saying something like ‘thats just for now, wait till the recession hits America proper. Or something to the effect of future doom, usually financial. But, and you will be happy to hear this, I quickly notice it, I’ve been doing the inner gentle smile when I remember too. Another silly thing came to mind that I Use at times, when I noticed that my mind has spun off into some thought content, I internally say LOST ……IN………. THOUGHTS! Remember that show Lost in space, the opening sequence, anyway its silly but it makes me chuckle. MOst triggers are with hubby I just CANNOT seem to NOT get annoyed with him. Cant rewire this into seeing it as a gift yet.

I am slowly rereading my pages and finding it very interesting and useful, some of it. I was really connecting with Hannah when she had to stop guiding due to a sick mother. What I noticed which is what I know too from our threads, is I always tended to get too caught up with wondering why life is the way it is, with all its brokenness and residing too much in what she called imagination. I feel that has lessened immensely , even though I still got riled up over the abortion thing and all that, but all these stories are not triggering me as much , also I am relying or trusting in the mystery of life more, because its whatever. HOw can I change that or argue with reality? And its usually just fine.

Hannah had mentioned the analogy of the clenched fist, with all that was needing to be done to drop something to simply relax it. This reply to something I had written really resonated with me

The long piece you wrote really tells me that there is still such resitance to challenging what is imagined to be you', such
a passion to eloquently defend and justify these ideas.
That's fine, that's what 99% of the population will do for the rest of their lives.
But awakening is nothing to do with that.
I'm not here to pursuade you, trick you, or wave a magic wand.
read that whole passage you wrote again.
that IS the clenched fist.
That IS the illusion itself, laid out on the page.
Can that be felt into, on a gut level?
the security that comes with those ideas.
And the suffering.
Both go together when the fist relaxes.

I mean this really resonated. How much of my life have I done this? This increase in division we are seeing, how much is just that. I mean believing in ideas , many of which are bad is really causing a lot of pain and separation and destruction.

Anyway, I will continue telling you my insights, but now I have to go see about a horse, and I will continue tomorrow. A lot of time I just forget everything too though . Its so hard not to get lost in thought.

But I m noticing. And rewiring. And enjoy life more without continually self referencing.

Xoxxo
Diana

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Diana,

I know it has been more than 24 hours.

That's not a rule. Don't worry about it. Just don't leave it for 24 days. :)

I am noticing how things just work out, or not, without the help of me.

Good. This is big

I quickly notice it,

Good this is big.

I’ve been doing the inner gentle smile when I remember too.

very good

when I noticed that my mind has spun off into some thought content, I internally say LOST ……IN………. THOUGHTS! Remember that show Lost in space,

Good stuff. Anchoring to a trigger.

I am relying or trusting in the mystery of life more, because its whatever.

great. more big..

how much is just that. I mean believing in ideas , many of which are bad is really causing a lot of pain and separation and destruction.

Absolutely

Its so hard not to get lost in thought.

That's ok. You always eventually realize that it happened - which is the big thing.

But I m noticing. And rewiring. And enjoy life more without continually self referencing.

Good stuff. ..and what you are learning and integrating will make you an excellent guide if you find it happening.

with love

vince