The Gate

Excellent looking.

A controller is a single thought that believes it is the one causing movement…

Yes. And it never does the moving. It arrives after. Like a sports commentator pretending to be the athlete. It takes credit for everything (sensations, actions, insights) and claims it all as mine.

So is this controller thought ‘you’?

When it says it is scared, it is speaking for no one. It is kind of an independent movement in itself. You can’t even say it is saying anything about the sensations felt alongside it.

Yes, scared is just a label. A thought.

The sensations that arise alongside ‘scared’…
What’s actually there?

Close your eyes.
Where in the body is it most intense?
What are the physical attributes? Heat? Contraction? Movement?
Can any of that be called “me” without a thought?

Look deeply.
Does the sensation know you?
Or does it too just appear spontaneously, without ownership?

The memory thoughts around that sensation (could be called beliefs) have a narrative that’s even more sure that it knows what the sensation is.

What exactly is a memory thought?

Almost everybody believes that a memory thought is referring to something that has happened. That a memory thought is a different thought than a non-memory thought.

Please don’t go to thought explanations, but just let a memory be there, and look at it. Look at what is actually going on and not what thoughts say - but what actually is.
What is memory exactly?
What is the memory ‘made of’?
WHEN does the memory appear?
What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘memory’ thought?
How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘memory’ thought refers to something that has happened?

Then, look at a thought about the future.
What is the future thought ‘made of’?
WHEN does the future thought appear?
What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘future’ thought?
How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘future’ thought refers to something that will happen?

Then let’s compare a thought about past and a thought about the future.
What is the EXACT difference between the thoughts about past and future?
If there is difference and how is that difference is known exactly?

The more I look the more there is this natural disidentification from recurring thought/identity patterns
Like there’s been this really uncomfortable fear ive been living on, almost all my attention was on the thought about this fear about life, and danger and bad things happening and me doing something wrong. And something tipped me off to the fact that engaging the thoughts that CLAIM to point to the emotions/ sensations around this, is SOOOO not the same thing as pure resting as the emotions and sensations that occur BEFORE the need for a reaction/conclusion/ desperate beliefs. It is the exact opposite. Engaging thoughts “about” the fear is a resistance to the sensations and is a reaction in itself. And the one who is engaging is NOTTT me. It is a thought. That was a good one. It left me neutral because there wasn’t even anyone relieved about anything. Just more neutral in general in life. Less preferences.

Life whatever thought i look at, and if i can notice the train of thoughts that follows the original thought before it starts, and stay with the initial thought without thinking about it. It ends up kinda of becoming wordless. And timeless. And just nothing. And leaves me with hell of a lot more space. Its like being stuffed into a box and then suddenly getting to exist in a big room with windows? Except you ARE the whole room. Lol idk. Are you getting bored of my insights? It seems to be deepening maybe. Idk. The image of vasvi kinda faded a bit. Definitely sticky points come up triggers come up but theyre met differently, like much less view of threat.

Really great looking!

The image of vasvi kinda faded a bit

Very nice. Where precisely is the image that remains? In thought? A sensation? A point in space?

What is the actual sensation of “me” when it still appears?

if i can notice the train of thoughts

Write down a sequence of 5 thoughts in the order that they appear. Now check:
Could you predict the order of their appearance?
Did you know which will be the second or the fourth?
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing? Can you stop thinking a thought in the middle? How long does that last? Test it for the fun of exploration.

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organized sequence. Or is it just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that "one thought follows another thought"?

And the one who is engaging is NOTTT me. It is a thought.

Yes. But who noticed that? What noticed the thought of “me” doing the noticing?

That was a good one. It left me neutral because there wasn’t even anyone relieved about anything

Yes. The illusion collapses when even relief has no owner.

What does it feel like to walk around with no one home?
Not conceptually. Viscerally. Is there relief? Emptiness? Boredom? Something missing?

Hi Oh my God. This feels almost unbearable. Ive been going into the sensations that i call me, i kinda see it a bit deeper but only for a few moments. Im so. I cant look at this. I wanna look away but theres nothing to look away to. Wow this is bad. Sonething is so so so so desperate. Resisting the urge to go into thoughts about it. I can see a little more the random nature of thoughts. And how thoughts use labels of sensations to drive attention away from the sensations, so that its not seen that there is no proof of a me in the sensations. The thoughts of a “me” are…. Pointing to nothing. Doesnt mean that they are not there. But they point to nothing. Also i think im pmsing. Idk. Very much crying and broken apart and just…aaa

Hi Vasvi,

YES.

Now don’t move.

You’re crying and your whole system wants to look away. From what? From the raw immediacy of THIS. The body is tearing open because the idea of “me” is being threatened. That is what feels unbearable.

But let’s be clear: there is nothing happening right now that is too much. What’s too much is the resistance.

Bring attention fully to the most intense sensation.
Not the thought about the sensation.
Not the story about what’s happening.
Just that sensation. Find the exact center of it. Put your attention inside it.

Is there a “you” inside the sensation?
Can you find anything in it that points back to a solid self?

Take your time. And notice: if thoughts come, don’t take the bait. Thoughts are escape routes. They’re eject buttons. Let them pass.

thoughts use labels of sensations to drive attention away from the sensations, so that its not seen that there is no proof of a me in the sensations. The thoughts of a “me” are…. Pointing to nothing

Exactly, yes. You’re right. They are empty. They point to nothing. They are smoke, not fire.

So now the fire is exposed and that’s why it feels like hell. That’s why it feels like panic, brokenness, despair. The “me” isn’t dying, It’s being seen through.

And you know what’s on the other side?
Not bliss. Not light. Not angels.

Just… THIS. Always this.

Keep going.

Hi, omg fuck. There’s no you. I literally screamed because I couldn’t find a you in the sensation. It’s like I’ve been hallucinating. Wtf. Fuck fuck um. Fuck fuck. Are you there? Please reply if you are. Fuck. I mustered up the balls to look again after a few minutes and got a jump again. Fuck fuck. Wanna look again but also dont wanna look weirdly.

:D

Wait is it normal to be excited. Im kinda excited. And freaked idk. Cant think

Yep, just enjoy and let it play out. Spend some time in nature if you can today or tomorrow just looking at everything, how birds fly, grass grows, leaves rustle, all without a do-er. it all just happens.

Hii, I don’t feel great. Feeling stuck.

Idk a lot of stress anxiety and fear. I just moved back to college. The inherent “watching my back” feeling all. The. Fucking. Time. Gosh. I’m sick of existing. I’ve been sitting with it and not sitting with it and doing everything in between and have been busy too. It’s all just feeling stuck.

Breathe.
‘It’ is never not here. Look again now. Check.

Feel it—all of it—right now.

Don’t try to fix it. Don’t analyze it or run or soothe.

Where in your body is that “watching my back” sensation?
Don’t describe it. Don’t grasp at “fear” or “anxiety.”
Feel the actual pressure, tightness, heat, vibration… without a label.

Notice perhaps the thoughts say it’s unbearable. But the body— is it surviving?
Are you collapsing, or just caught in the story that something’s wrong?

Let’s test something. Right now, completely drop the idea that something needs to change.

Drop fixing. Drop understanding. Drop awakening.

When you don’t believe anything is wrong, what’s actually happening?

Where is the one “watching your back”?
Find it. Not the idea of it! find the thing.

Im honestly feeling very horrible. Do you think it would be possible to talk like on the phone? Maybe im doing something wtong. Should i try sharing with someone whats happening? I just dont want anyone to be worried but im reallt not feeling okay and i genuinely dont know what to do. I dont know if i am safe or not. It was a sunday and it has been three days that i spent feeling like this and the horrible feeling that nothing is okay is increasing and i cant figure anything out. I honestly worry maybe something js wrong with me or i am crazy. I am actually worried.

It doesnt feel great saying this out loud because accepting i feel like this to another person makes it feel more real. I feel so horrible its not looking good.