The Gate

Hi Stacy,

I will be posting more sporadically or not at all during the coming week or so. Going on a mountain hike and will probably be off grid most of the time. Will keep investigating.

Best regards,

James

Enjoy!

Hi Stacy,

Now I am back home and ready to do this.

It has been quite interesting to see experience unfold in an unfamiliar environment. The mind seems to be less prone to fall back on autopilot when everything is "new". Being mentally present and paying attention to every move is also quite easy when climbing, for obvious reasons.

Seeing my body as part of the total experience being perceived (as opposed to the body AS the experiencer) comes more easily now. It seems almost obvious at times. Then I get pulled back into the old perspective.
Experience appears as caleidoscopic. Colors, smells, sensations, tastes, thoughts pass by on the screen.

I have had a couple of moments when an abstract feeling of fear has come over me. Like, if I am not "me", what am I!? Will I cease to exist?
Is anything ever going to feel meaningful and safe if I do not exist?

There are moments when I see myself as on film. Just arms and legs and a body moving, doing this and that. Sensations and thoughts seen from the sideline.

Also being in the mountains and just seeing nature be nature has been a reminder of the fact that the universe is alive and will keep unfolding without any sentimentality at all. No thoughts, no anxiety, just existence. Nothing wrong.

Best regards,

James

Hi James

That's a sweet story. but it is all thoughts.

Remember, there is already no self. What we call "self" is a Sensation of contraction, or lying, plus thoughts. That's all.

Here are some guided direct looking at fear videos:

https://youtu.be/jKX1llYtlKE?si=jHXuuyyVtp7c-1R2

And this one:

https://youtu.be/fSTT8nc8cvQ?si=Alcukpbi7SUlXpfi

Much love,

Hi Stacy,

And thank you for your support. I really appreciate it and I really need guidance.

That's a sweet story. but it is all thoughts

.
Yes. I see that now. I don't know what to do really. I fall right back into thought without realising what's happening, again and again.

Remember, there is already no self. What we call "self" is a Sensation of contraction, or lying, plus thoughts. That's all.

Ok. I can see that I am not the contraction, but it still seems like I am. How could I ever be a contracted sensation in the chest?

This all triggers a sense of emptiness and thoughts saying I will never "get it" etc.

I will work with the videos.

Peace,

James

Hi James,

You're doing fine. Really. There's nothing to "get" with your mind.

Thoughts will continue. We just don't believe them.

There's awareness, but that is not a "self."

Relax & let thoughts go by. That's all.

Did I mention that you may see when you're not practicing and not thinking about anything in particular?

All we can do is practice. We can't control if or when the light bulb goes on.

You must be relaxed.

Loving

Hi Stacy,

I feel kind of hopeless, actually. Every effort I make to work on this just generates more thoughts and confusion.

You're doing fine. Really. There's nothing to "get" with your mind.

It does not feel that way. The mind wants to DO something to GET something. At the same time I see that whole concept is like chasing one´s own tail.

Relax & let thoughts go by. That's all.

Ok. I get "swept away" by the thoughts all the time. Especially when I am really invested in something, like at work for example.

Did I mention that you may see when you're not practicing and not thinking about anything in particular?

No, but I suspected this might be so.

You must be relaxed

Right now I am quite fed up with trying to be honest. I don´t know if I really care anymore. At the same time I really want to see clearly.

Thank you for being patient with me.

Best,

James

Hi James,

Do you want to take a break for a couple of days?

You must be relaxed & you're not.

Loving

Hi Stacy,

Do you want to take a break for a couple of days?

No.

You must be relaxed & you're not.

I did not express myself in a clear way. Sorry about that. This feeling of not knowing how to go on with this is actually quite relaxed.

Peace, James

Oh. Good.

Let's carry on, then.

Palm Flipping Exercise

1. Hold a hand in front of you; palm turned down.

2. Now turn the palm up. And down...and up and so on.

Watch like a hawk.

Don't go to thoughts – examine your direct experience.

Do this as many times as you like, and each time inquire:

How is the movement controlled?

Does a thought control it?

Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?

How is the decision made to turn the hand over?

Track any decision point when a thought MADE THE DECISION to turn the hand over and the hand turns over immediately.

Who or what ​ chose which hand - the left or right hand for the exercise?

Can you find a separate individual or anything that is choosing when to turn the palm up or down?

Loving

Hi Stacy,

I will give this exercise some more time and post tomorrow.

/James

Hi James,

Okay.

Hi Stacy,

I have been doing the exercise.

How is the movement controlled?

I honestly do not know. It would be easy to say that it is my thoughts and my willpower that controls it but when looking at it I can not discern clearly if the moving of the hand actually happens before the thought or if the thought comes first. I lean towards the movement happening before the thought.

Does a thought control it?

No.The moving of the hand goes on during periods of mental silence. Or thoughts coming up that are not related to moving of hand.

Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?

There is a strong sense of there being a controller, a "me" calling the shots, but when I look for it it is nowhere to be found.

How is the decision made to turn the hand over?

The decision is apparently made by a me (that I can not locate), but I do not know how it is made. It is just happening.
I do not know.

Who or what ​ chose which hand - the left or right hand for the exercise?

I have no idea. It just happened.

Can you find a separate individual or anything that is choosing when to turn the palm up or down?

All that is found is a contracted feeling in the chest and thoughts of an "I" claiming to "own" the decision to flip the hand. But do these thoughts actually happen after the movement is initiated? No, I can not find a separate individual that is choosing.

Peace,

James

Very good. That is accurate looking.

movement happening before the thought.

Correct and there is science that proves it. Look at Michael Gazzaniga's book. "The Mind's Past" or Sam Harris. "Free Will."

The whole thing is a big mystery. We will never know. We just make up stories. Same with "self."

How does it FEEL to see this?

Loving,

Hi Stacy,

How does it FEEL to see this?

It feels somewhat free. At the same time, my experience is so firmly established in the habitual perspective that I repeatedly loose sight of this.

Peace, James