The Gate

Where is the one who “needs further integration”?
Not as an idea, not a feeling. Right now, where is it? What is “needs integration” made of?

If you say it’s a thought, fine. Then what is watching that thought? :)
Look, don’t think.

But can´t, say, sadness arise without a story? Or anger? Or Fear? Happiness?

What would be there to call it so?

Right now, bring up the most recent emotion that hit you hard. Don’t name it. Don’t analyze it. Just feel where in the body it shows up.
Now pause. Without a single thought, is that raw sensation a problem? Was it ever?

The story makes it fear, anger, sadness. Without the story, it’s just aliveness.

Perhaps it needs to be integrated into daily life, then?
Nothing described as collapse was felt although how would "collapse" be recognized?

That’s the seeker trying to escape through the back door. That’s the thought “how do I make this permanent” wearing a different mask.

This is it. Right now. There is nothing to integrate. The whole idea of integration assumes a separate someone who has something to gain. Where is that one?

With the collapse, the questions collapse… or maybe, as you pointed out the content of thought that is a question arises but then passes. It isn’t arising from you (as you have seen) or applicable to you.

Let a single thought appear. One that normally hooks you.
Now stare at it like a cloud. Don’t analyze. Don’t push.

Just ask:
Who is the one this thought refers to?
Where is that “me”?

Report what is found—or not found.

Hey Becca,
Sorry if I sometimes take a few days to answer back.
I occasionally need to pause to be honest, cause its "too much" for the system. There is a tendency here to somaticize everything.

Where is the one who “needs further integration?”
Not as an idea, not a feeling. Right now, where is it?

Problem is... since my mind knows, through thought, that there is no "me", it is trapped in this. So every time you ask me where the one is, I will say nowhere.
If I had to answer honestly, the "me" right now is the manifestation of this body (unique and no one else's) as well as the energy through this body.
Back to square one? :(

What is “needs integration” made of?

It is a thought.

If you say it’s a thought, fine. Then what is watching that thought? :)
Look, don’t think.

That which sees everything that happens - it is awareness.
Yet "awareness", although has a name, is nothing at all at the same time. It isn´t a "thing", its just always here.

What would be there to call it so?

Same as above.

Right now, bring up the most recent emotion that hit you hard. Don’t name it. Don’t analyze it. Just feel where in the body it shows up.
Now pause. Without a single thought, is that raw sensation a problem? Was it ever?

Yeah its just an energy that appears in the body and leaves.
It is not really a problem on its own. Its just sensation.
But it is easy to see this when not in the midst of it....
Occasionally I can feel and allow it to just be without the story - however I´ve always labeled it. I will begin not to label it at all, just feel it.
I assume it is quickly labeled by the mind as "sadness" or "happiness" because it recognizes it from other experiences?

Just ask:
Who is the one this thought refers to?
Where is that “me”?

So if the thought is "I´m tired" (this one hooks me a lot) - then the "one" that is tired would be the combination of the manifestation in the form of body and energy.



So much frustration.
Thinking that I will never get this.
Thinking like wanting to give up because I don't understand where we are going or what we are doing...


<3 as always thank you so much

If I had to answer honestly, the "me" right now is the manifestation of this body (unique and no one else's) as well as the energy through this body.
Back to square one? :(

There is no square one. There is clear seeing or not clear seeing. It will take as long as it takes.

Here is an exercise to look with more precision into the body:

Sit with eyes closed for about 15 minutes.
Paying attention only to the pure sensations, without relying on thoughts or mental images:
Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?
Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?
Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?
What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

Look very carefully, especially with the last question. Take your time, don’t rush. You can look several times during the day while doing other things (like washing hands, showering, having a short break from work, walking, etc) before replying.

That which sees everything that happens - it is awareness.
Yet "awareness", although has a name, is nothing at all at the same time. It isn´t a "thing", its just always here.

You say it “isn’t a thing,” yet still treat it as if it were a stable background you possess or witness from.

Right now, before the word “awareness” arises, what’s here?

Look. Drop the name. Drop the observer.

Is there a witness?
Is there a distance?
Where do you end and “awareness” begin?

Don’t describe it. Stay. Look directly, don’t flinch into thought.
This that sees… can it be found without referring to a concept?

So if the thought is "I´m tired" (this one hooks me a lot) - then the "one" that is tired would be the combination of the manifestation in the form of body and energy.

Don’t analyze. Don’t turn this into a clean philosophy. Look directly at the moment the thought “I’m tired” appears.

Where does it show up?
What makes it seem personal?
Is there anyone there—any thing at all—who is tired?
Or is there just a sensation, and then a thought claiming it?

“I’m tired” appears after the sensation, doesn’t it?

So much frustration.
Thinking that I will never get this.
Thinking like wanting to give up because I don't understand where we are going or what we are doing...

Great! These thoughts, are they yours? Or do they just arise and use words that make them seem like they are?

This is raw. It’s uncomfortable. It’s perfect.

This isn’t going wrong!! this is exactly what happens when the illusion cracks. Don’t try to understand this. Just give up looking to the thoughts to answer anything and solve anything.

Just look in direct experience and answer this directly:
Can you find, in this moment, a separate self who is doing the seeking, getting lost, failing?

Don’t tell me what you think. Show me what you see.

Hello Becca,

I began replying to your message and going through the exercise and questions yesterday, however I had to stop because the body was responding with pain, and a lot of discomfort. The following labels come up: despair, irritability, ungroundedness, not centered, unstable.

All just labels - I know this, but I don´t "live" it like labels.

I assume all of this response from the body is totally normal, however I was wondering if maybe it is best to give this a bit of rest? It is really too much right now because I am going through some flu as well that does not seem to get better for more than 10 days now. I feels right to stop for a bit...

BUT - will we lose the inertia if we stop? Wouldn´t want that....

Over the next week or so, I'll be on holiday and without a PC — I can respond on my phone, though my answers might be shorter.

I REALLY appreciate your time. And I take this seriously and really want to see the truth of this.

<3 any thoughts are welcome!!!!!

Yes this is normal and the body’s response is not in the way, it is the way… The discomfort is not a sign to pause but nothing real will be lost by pausing either. There is no “better time.” There is no “centered” self that will emerge next week to do this work more gracefully.

Short answers are fine :)
If you want to move to whatsapp for the time you are away from your PC we can do that too. I access this site on my phone regularly but it is a bit clunky that way.

When ready here is a different version of that same exercise:

Sit or lay down and relax. Close your eyes and relax.
Can you attend to sensation exclusively?
Not minding thought babbling about this and that?
Not minding thought labelling sensation for a bit?

Thought may tell: "I am lying here" or "My body is lying here" or "A body is lying here". But could this be known from pure sensation?
Thought might suggest: "There is a soft pressure against the back". But could you know about "pressure" or "back" from pure sensation?

Once arrived there, while ONLY attending to sensation, please have a look at the following questions:
Can be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a specific size, shape or weight?
How many toes are there?

-Becca

Hey!!
Yeah so I did the body exercise the other day and now too.

I saw how in direct experience there is no boundaries. Only sensation.
But ….only with eyes closed.

Also saw how difficult it is to not “think” the answer- its so sneaky.

Can be known how tall the body is?

Nope

Does the body have a specific size, shape or weight?

Nope

How many toes are there?

Can’t tell


All of this was a surprise the first time- a bit of a shock.


I’ll be on my phone now for the next 10 days. If Whatsapp is better than we can switch, not sure whats best to be honest…

Thank you!!!!!!

Great, here is another exercise to explore with eyes open.

If your holiday is in the woods or something with no mirrors let me know and I’ll give you something else to work on… :)

Here is an even deeper investigation of the body. Please follow each step, don't leave out any. Take your time. Don't move to the next step until the previous one is clearly seen. Repeat the exercise several times.

Stand in front of a bigger mirror.
(1) First, close the eyes and feel the sensations labelled ‘body’.
(2) Then open the eyes and look into the mirror while still paying attention to the sensations.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror?
Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?
(3) While still paying attention to the sensations move one hand and observe the movement from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?
(4) Now do the same movement with the hand, but this time look at the hand directly, not from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and the image ‘of movement’? Or only thoughts suggest it?
(5) Now, pay attention only to the image in the mirror.
Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is ‘you’ or ‘your body’?
Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a ‘body’ at all?
Or are there only colours and shapes?
(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body (probably legs) cannot be seen.
Just by the image in the mirror, is there any ‘knowledge’ that there must be legs, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?
(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).
Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?
(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a ‘body walking’, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all?
Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?
Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’?
Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?
(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labelled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

Yes, Im on a camping trip actually… hahah
Woops.

Bravo, perfect! :). We pivot.

1. Close the eyes and hold up one hand. Pay attention only to the felt sensations ‘of the hand’.
2. Open the eyes, and now observe the hand by looking only.
3. While looking at the hand, pay attention to the felt sensations.

Repeat 1 to 3 as many times as needed and investigate…
Normally we believe that the sensation is coming from the sight, the ‘object’ seen (hand).
But if you look, is there any link between the sensation and the sight? In other words, is the sensation ‘coming from’ the sight (labelled as hand) or only thoughts and mental constructs link them?
Can you see that both the ‘visual sight’ and the sensation appear simultaneously but ‘separately’, meaning that none of them is coming from the other or contained by the other?
So they just appear equally, ‘beside’ each other without any hierarchy or link between
them?

…You can repeat the exercise with other body parts. If you are camping by a body of water perhaps you can get creative and see your head. ;)

Much love,
Becca

Just checking in on you… :)
How was your vacation? What is currently present in the body?
-Becca

Hey Becca,
Thanks so much for reaching out again.
I apologize for not getting back to you sooner - today is my first day back to work, so back on the PC.

I tried the exercise and have seen that there is no direct experience that links the felt sensation of the body part with the seeing of that body part.

Both are separate.

On another note - been wondering lately how can I tell if my seeing of the no separate self is just mental understanding or if it has already actually been seen for what it is?

Not sure how much more "I" can see... ?¿

<3<3<3

Hello!

been wondering lately how can I tell if my seeing of the no separate self is just mental understanding or if it has already actually been seen for what it is?

To answer your question, let’s look underneath…
If it has been seen already, what would that give you? What would that mean?

Not sure how much more "I" can see... ?¿

To look a few weeks back:

So much frustration.
Thinking that I will never get this.
Thinking like wanting to give up because I don't understand where we are going or what we are doing...

I began replying to your message and going through the exercise and questions yesterday, however I had to stop because the body was responding with pain, and a lot of discomfort. The following labels come up: despair, irritability, ungroundedness, not centered, unstable.

Do these still resonate on some level? What arises when reading them?


And, Is the sense of seeking still present?

Circling all the way back:

I am obsessively watching YouTube videos and looking looking looking. What if I don´t need to look anymore? I just need someone to help me relax, and just live. I would like to get rid of the obsessive loop of "am I" or "am i not?".

Is there still the looking looking looking?
Is this question being asked still in the loop of am I or am I not?


Much love,
Becca

OK - it looks like the question I made comes from resistance itself.

I notice that what happens in the body still feels like "mine".

If it has been seen already, what would that give you? What would that mean?

Nothing has or will change in life, only the perspective of everything could change I suppose.
It would mean living free-er perhaps?
It wouldn´t give " me" anything if "I" as a separate something doesn´t exist.

Now some frustration again.
I notice a few things:
Like there is a rush to change the perspective.
Also a laziness/resistance to actually investigate deeply.
Also believing I already get it.

Why does it feel like there has been some "unpeeling" or an "advance", though?

I know, theoretically, that either I see it or I don´t see it, but it feels like there have been some changes in the way I live.

Why is it so difficult for me to just see the truth if it is so simple? Frustration. I also wonder why is it taking so long?

Where am I actually blocked?


Much love back Becca.

Hello love,

Great. There is the acknowledgment of resistance. And you told me exactly where the block is:

I notice that what happens in the body still feels like "mine".

That’s the glue. Sensations + a thought claim = “my body, my emotion.” Look at the raw sensation: without the tag “mine,” what’s left? Pressure, tingling, contraction, warmth. Does that say “me”? Or is “mine” a thought layered on after?

Step through this exercise which we set aside due to the camping trip. It is one of my favorites. :)

Here is an even deeper investigation of the body. Please follow each step, don't leave out any. Take your time. Don't move to the next step until the previous one is clearly seen. Repeat the exercise several times.

Stand in front of a bigger mirror.
(1) First, close the eyes and feel the sensations labelled ‘body’.
(2) Then open the eyes and look into the mirror while still paying attention to the sensations.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror?
Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?
(3) While still paying attention to the sensations move one hand and observe the movement from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?
(4) Now do the same movement with the hand, but this time look at the hand directly, not from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and the image ‘of movement’? Or only thoughts suggest it?
(5) Now, pay attention only to the image in the mirror.
Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is ‘you’ or ‘your body’?
Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a ‘body’ at all?
Or are there only colours and shapes?
(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body (probably legs) cannot be seen.
Just by the image in the mirror, is there any ‘knowledge’ that there must be legs, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?
(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).
Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?
(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a ‘body walking’, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all?
Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?
Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’?
Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?
(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labelled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

It would mean living free-er perhaps?

That’s the seeker voice. The one chasing a future state. If you imagine it will bring freedom, who is that for? Right now (before freedom) what’s actually lacking? Where’s the problem without the thought of “not free yet”?

Why does it feel like there has been some "unpeeling" or an "advance", though?

I know, theoretically, that either I see it or I don´t see it, but it feels like there have been some changes in the way I live.

Had it/lost it is a common pattern but I think you are seeing here that it is also enmeshed within a story of progress. Beliefs are being looked at and falling away, there is far less identification than before.

I also wonder why is it taking so long?

Hasn’t been so long from here. Look around, if this were easy wouldn’t everyone do it? Even among seekers this is not a common path. Can the timeline fall away? Does truth actually exist in the future? Or is it only ever THIS, already here?

And if ‘you’ need to hear it to just keep going: You’re doing great. :)

-Becca

And if ‘you’ need to hear it to just keep going: You’re doing great. :)

Thank you. Yes, "I" did need it :)

That’s the glue. Sensations + a thought claim = “my body, my emotion.” Look at the raw sensation: without the tag “mine,” what’s left? Pressure, tingling, contraction, warmth. Does that say “me”? Or is “mine” a thought layered on after?

I have seen a while ago, before coming to you, that the sensation in my body is not personal. Many times I allow emotions to bubble up and leave. Just like that. No story, just pure emotion. However, mixed emotions that are less intense, like subtle anxiety, there is still identification here. I wonder why, if seen as mentioned above, I still identify with these more subtle states?

That’s the seeker voice. The one chasing a future state. If you imagine it will bring freedom, who is that for?

Ah, yes. The freedom is for no one because the "one" is an illusion, its fake, doesn´t exist.


And I just asked myself "What EXACTLY doesn´t exist??" - and the answer that came back was in the form of a question: Why can´t "I" be the manifestation of this body and group of sensations, thoughts, etc? What´s the problem with calling all of this "I" or "me"?

Right now (before freedom) what’s actually lacking? Where’s the problem without the thought of “not free yet”?

Right NOW, when I drop all the thinking, no problem.
When thinking drops, everything is seen as crisp and perfect.

Can the timeline fall away? Does truth actually exist in the future? Or is it only ever THIS, already here?

I take this as an invitation to just be right here right now with whatever is. To drop thinking. Direct experience only. But now what, then? :) Literally need to know...



I have seen just how much thoughts are in the way of me seeing. My manifestation tends to think A LOT, loves problem solving. And loves UNDERSTANDING. This is for your FYI :)


Also wanted to tell you that there is a recurrent thought: "Maybe I have already seen and I am going in circles wasting both of our time".


Is there a way to stop this obsessive thinking pattern of "I am already awake"? I don´t want to hand the responsibility to you, but perhaps if you told me that I would unequivocally realize that I have seen this, once seen... then maybe these thoughts would calm down a bit?


I will do the exercise these days and report back!!!

<3<3<3<3