1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there's no separate entity anywhere other than it being suggested in thought, which holds no reality in direct experience. It is also very clear there never was, because the only times I would ever "experience" a self was only in thought, and was only ever a thought. It is even more clear how impossible it is because when a thought appears suggesting a self, it is clearly seen that there is no one behind that thought. No thinker, only thought.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of the self is a misperception that can only arise through believing in particular thoughts. It is pretty clear to see through the very gross, obvious thoughts that talk about an "I" and see how that's conceptual, but there is a non-conceptual layer of thoughts that was more tricky for me to see through. It came down to a few different things that made it seem like there was a self in experience: There would be a combination of sensations in the face area + mental images that would be resisted, and when they were resisted, it would make that combination of phenomena seem solid and reinforce the idea of a self. If you believe there is an inside, then an outside immediately arises with that. With that belief in an inside, there was kind of like a filter that would be created that could somehow make it seem like there were "me" things (that being like facial sensations, images of a face, etc.) and "not-me" things. The next step is believing that there was some kind of continuity, something moving from experience to experience and collecting experiences. Once all those previous illusions were solidified, there was a referencing of previous thoughts, trying to see if there was a self or no-self. I thought I was investigating this experientially, but I was really referencing other thoughts of previous experiences to confirm this. This would then create the illusion of an experiencer, a knower, or a confirmer that would move through time since there was always this referencing going on. This would create the illusion of a center to experience.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels so funny to see this, because it's so clear how obvious and simple the "answer" was, and how much I was deluding myself and complicating my experience with creating a knower, or experiencer. The difference now is that what were once very subtle, non-conceptual thoughts that continued the illusion, they stand out so obviously and are known to not have any reality in experience. It was hard and scary to let go (not that I did the letting go) of that knower and experiencer that could compare things to know if it had arrived, but that was the key. It was seeing that the experiencer was a thought that had no continuity (no thought moving to the next thought and so on). There's a great relaxation when this happens.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
What definitely started the initial shift was your questions around really looking into the experience of the facial sensations, the belief in a center, etc. Once I saw how that whole experience was being constructed, it definitely cracked things wide open, but what still needed to be investigated was that illusion of continuity, a referencing happening in time. Your questions around impermanence, looking into my statements about how I could see everything arising and falling made me see how there had to be some kind of referencing to able to track that constant change. Once I saw that that referencing could only happen in thought, that pushed me over the edge and completely destroyed any notion of a timeline, a world, any kind of self-essence that could move through time and space.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
With all these questions on decision, intention, free will etc., in my experience it's not that there's no intention or choices. The choices just simply make themselves and arise from all the other cause and conditions appearing in this moment. No self in any of that. With free will, it's complicated bc I don't know if I can say there's no free will, but it's clear that there's no agent. There's no separate entity free and apart from the stream of conditions. There might be intentions and decisions to move in a certain direction, but these intentions and decisions arise completely spontaneously, with no doer at all. Same with control. For example, there might be a decision to move the body from one place to another, and so there's bodily autonomy, but that completely arises seamlessly and spontaneously with the environment, with no one moving the limbs or doing the walking. When I start walking, in observing the whole movement of walking, there's nothing deciding when to start or stop walking. Only a thought that tries to assert some kind of ownership, but no walker or mover.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
There's no thing causing another thing. Only through thought can there be some kind of connection between one thing and another, or that something in an earlier time gave rise to something else in a previous time, with something connecting these "events". In direct experience, there's no events. No coming or going. Appearing or disappearing. Nothing moving across time, or even there being a possibility of establishing a timeline. Of course, that doesn't negate conventional logic, things, space, time, etc. These are useful, practical things that shouldn't be negated, or you'd be fixating if you did. You can't rest in cause or causelessness.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
There's not one who holds all these responsibilities, but that doesn't negate responsibility. All the regular aspects of life are not negated at all, they're just not held onto. There's still things that need to be taken care of, you just won't find the one doing all these things. There's still chores, having to plan things, bills to be paid, etc. which are now embraced and can be engaged in on an even higher level than before bc now I'm not creating a separate Pablo that has to figure this all out, decide between this and that, have to be the one that gets it all right, has to be on point always. The freedom that comes when these weights are taken off is indescribable.
6) Anything to add?
I feel like I could go on this forever lol, but I just want to say some of the issues I had: Some of the pitfalls were trying to imagine how things should be other than investigating how they really are. I did have subtle beliefs about how Anatta should be, how my experience should be, etc. that I was just not investigating for a long time. That allowed the illusion of self to stay intact for a long time, even if it was very subtle compared to how it used to be. I believed too much in how other people described the experience, and allowed other people's lived experience become conceptual and create a whole mental framework off of it. Everything has to be investigated, even in the end the belief in an insight being gained, having known or figured something out, must all be let go of.
