Read Jed's Trilogy; something resonates

[Magdalena]

John,


Good. You’re not chasing understanding—you’re watching how the machinery kicks into gear. That’s exactly where this gets real.


Now, about this:

I always have a subtle sense that ‘there is a me here.’ arising, and I wanna fully clean it out.

Stop.

That impulse—to clean it out—is the last trick.

That’s the “I” trying to destroy itself to finally feel pure, done, right.

But who wants that?

What if even that is just another cloud, floating through?


Don’t try to erase the sense of “me.”

Just look: when it arises, what is it?

Not the story about it—what is the actual arising?

A tightness? A flicker of thought? A feeling in the chest?


And when you stop chasing it—when you don’t try to fix or clean anything—what’s left?

Stay there.

Don’t purify. Don’t “complete” anything.

Just watch the next “I” arise… and do nothing.

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

That impulse—to clean it out—is the last trick.

As u said, today when I read I.C's book, the prune of self is also the part of self-illusion. It just strength the existence of self.

Just look: when it arises, what is it?

Not the story about it—what is the actual arising?

A tightness? A flicker of thought? A feeling in the chest?

I think it is a flicker of thought and a feeling.

And when you stop chasing it—when you don’t try to fix or clean anything—what’s left?

I just can't get over it. It's feel strange, as I know there is no self in my spot, nothing to label to, but there is still a solid sense that "Self exist".

---

I don't know if my daily replies have been bothering you lately, do I need to ponder a little more? I have tried to give you my most positive statement before the evening in my area.

[Magdalena]

John,


You're not bothering anyone. There's no one here to be bothered.

These replies just happen, like your thoughts, like your typing, like the wind.


Now listen.

You say:

There is no self in my spot… but there is still a solid sense that ‘Self exists.’

Perfect. That’s exactly the point.

The story, the feeling, the sense of self—that’s the self.

There’s no solid thing behind it. Just the sense. The echo. The flicker.

And it keeps coming back because you expect it to vanish.

You're waiting for the “Self Exists” sign to disappear forever, and for peace to move in like a tenant.

But what if that sign shows up forever—and it just doesn’t mean anything anymore?

What if the thought “Self exists” arises—and you just let it float by, like a bird or a burp?

No fixing. No purifying. No getting over it.

Just this.

Keep posting if the words come. Or don’t.

It’s all the same.

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

Thank u again and agin.

---

I'm thinking about the meaning of your “just let it be” statements today, and in the meanwhile I think about the examples in I.C's book about Santa/Batman/Spiderman, I seem to understand more and more that these are virtual existences, nothing real in the real world.

But isn't virtual existence also a kind of existence? If there is no such existence, how would this physical mind function? Didn't our conversation happen because you were willing to guide me and ask me questions? I really can't understand that everything happens naturally, as if it were effortless, so what else do people struggle to live? Without individual hard work, many problems will not be solved.

I seem to know that "I" is a virtual only logically, but in the actual moment, in the emotion, I am still the same old pattern.

[Magdalena]

Hey John,


You’re doing what minds do best: thinking about it.

That’s fine. It’s just another thing happening. But notice—did you decide to think this way today? Or did the thoughts just show up?


You ask:

Didn’t our conversation happen because you were willing to guide me?

That’s what it looks like, yes.

But look closer—did “Magdalena” choose the words before they appeared?

Did “John” plan what he would feel before he felt it?

Or is it all just happening, like weather? Like digestion?

This doesn’t mean effort disappears. It means that effort itself is something that arises—not something you create. Just like breathing. Just like hunger. Just like trying.


You don’t need to understand it. Just notice it.

I know "I" is virtual logically, but emotionally I still feel the same.

Perfect. Let the old feeling come.
Don’t argue with it.
Don’t fix it.


Just ask: what is this feeling, actually?
Not the label “self.” Not the story about it.
But the sensation. The flicker. The pull.


That’s all.


Let it be what it is.

And don’t think so hard. ;) (But then don't worry if you do. ;) It is all good.)

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

Yes, as you said, I am not preparing to be like this today.

Things were going well, and I was immersed in thinking about the hints you suggested and book I.C. wrote, and I felt like I was gradually grasping what it meant to "see" and what it meant to "No I". Yes, there are only physical objects that can be seen effortlessly, such as hands, computers, tables, etc. However, for the so-called "I"/Batman/Unicorn, we can imagine it very realistically, but when we open our eyes, there is nothing.

Just ask: what is this feeling, actually?

I think I probably don't know how the reality happened. I'm clinging to the feeling that "I exist" right now, cause I don't know what reality looks like, and I can't accept the old way of having "me", so I'm very, very depressed and chaos.

[JohnWhite]

For example, I would replace "I am typing" into "The body is typing".

It seemed to read right, but I felt as if I hadn't traveled through the Gate at all, and everything was as usual, and I was still not satisfied, and I felt strange, as if I had misunderstood.

My pain, my desires didn't go away, as if I was just focused on "me" as a virtual and logically get it but had no effect on my reality.

[Magdalena]

John,


Yes —hands, table, typing. Typing is happening.
All obvious. All just here.
And Batman? Just in the imagination.


But now you’re trying to turn this clear seeing into something else—into a cure. Into peace. Into satisfaction.


And when it doesn’t deliver that, you say things like
I'm sure I have not have passed through the Gate.

But, John—there’s no gate.

There’s no other side.

There’s just THIS.

Stillness, typing, depression, hunger, thoughts, discomfort… all of it. Just THIS.

And if there is anything else beyond THIS, how can we ever know?


You say:

I can’t accept the old way of having "me"… but I also don’t know what reality looks like.

Good. That not-knowing? That’s the clearing. Stay there.


Drop both sides—don’t hold onto “I exist,” and don’t chase “No I.”
Let the whole structure just hang, unsupported.


You’re trying to feel different.
But what if THIS —even THIS —is all there is?


Stop measuring your experience.
Stop waiting for change.
Don’t chase satisfaction.


Just see what’s here without the story, without thinking. Even though the story and the thinking are also already THIS. ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XyaaGZuWfY This song says it all better than I can. Enjoy. ;-)

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

Thank u for the song, I have heard that as u put the link in ur every reply, I like the first and the second style. :)

---

Yes, u put it quite right.
I feel very very strange and depressed right now cause I feel I am in the last bit of the crashing, but don't know how to.
U said just let all those just hang, so what can I do now? Just keep this feeling and keep in mind what I realize about fiction?

BTW, what the hell is the real? Since I get the meaning of fiction, I really dont know how you talk me like, how you feeling. If u dont exist and I dont exist, then what is the conversation? What about the family? Since there is only process.

Ask for your forgiveness that I am so chaos but I can't help to talk to u.

[Magdalena]

John,


You don’t need to apologize.

It is all good.

You’re doing exactly what minds do when the floor starts to disappear—they scramble for answers. For footing. For something to grab.

But there’s nothing to grab.

You ask:

So what can I do now?

Nothing.
There is nothing to do.
Just let it fall apart.


You don’t need to keep a feeling, or hold onto what you realized.

That’s just more control. More effort. More “I.”


Let the sadness and chaos come. Let the strangeness come.



Don’t fix. Don’t fix. Don’t fix.



You ask:

What the hell is the real?

What makes you think I know?

What makes you think anyone knows?

Stop asking. That’s thought again, trying to grasp.

What’s here before that question arises?

Before the need to define? To explain? To understand?


JUST THIS.
Typing. Breathing. Weirdness.
No answers.
Only what’s here. Seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching - right? Anything else is thought - interpretation, mental label, story.


This conversation? It’s like wind meeting wind.

No “me.” No “you.”

Just typing happening, words forming—no one behind them.



And that family you mention? That’s just the same: forms moving, talking, feeling. No fixed persons inside. Just process.


So let it be chaos. Let it burn.

You’re not doing it wrong. It's OK.

You’re just out of places to hide.

There is no way to mess it up.

You can rest. What you do or don't do doesn't really matter.
It's ALREADY THIS. ;-)

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

Thank u so much for ur love and guidence.

I'm still in a trance.

I can't get what u said about "-This conversation? It’s like wind meeting wind. -No “me.” No “you.” -Just typing happening, words forming—no one behind them. -And that family you mention? That’s just the same: forms moving, talking, feeling. No fixed persons inside. Just process."

But from ur guidence I know I have in a unfolding process now. Maybe I should calm down for a little bit and just to see how the imaginary I coming up and down and just get it over.

It is OK to let me digest it a little bit and contact to you after I feel it is OK? Maybe it take days, I don't know. I think there is something to share soon.

[Magdalena]

Absolutely – take all the time you need. You know what's best, and I only follow.

When there's a sense that something needs to be expressed, do come back and express it. If not, no pressure.

Rest. Observe life. See if there's anything separate anywhere.

Notice how the idea of “I” shows up—what triggers it, how it feels, what it tries to protect or claim. Let it be seen. No need to fix anything.

This isn’t a race. Just honesty, moment by moment.

I’m here when you’re ready.

[JohnWhite]

Dear Magdalena,

I've been digesting my conversations with you for the past few days, and I've been reading I.C's books. I feel that my current situation is very similar to that of Garsius in the book, maybe a little worse than his state in the book.

I'm constantly observing and thinking about the reality of "without me", but as Garsius said at the beginning

"As I look now, there is a shift, where "I" goes from "doer" to "doer and witness of doing". That shift happens very often, sometimes a few times per minute.

Anyway, as I write those “I”, “me” etc., there is an understanding that here is no “I”, just thoughts arising. Problem is: that understanding is intellectual, like one more additional thought about “no me”.

Let me start with a brief description of my recent observations of my innate mind and my response to Garsius's statement.
Through our previous conversations, I realised that what I really want is to be free from pain, and as you said before, I want to understand that whether it is "No Self" or finding "Truth", it is all about becoming "how cool" as you said, which is a story in itself.
As I rationally understood "No Self", I felt more and more that I was immersed in this story, and the reason why I wanted to be "painless" was precisely because I was clinging to the image of a "weak and powerless me". I feel that this kind of "me" is not worthy of the beauty of life, but "I" am not reconciled, so I have been anxious, always fantasising that I can get myself out of trouble in different ways, and then I found the way of "No Self".

Now, this desire is separated from the correct understanding of "selflessness" that comes from talking to you and reading I.C's books, but neither desire of correct understanding can be realised.

When I was contemplating my desires, I only thought that I was "weak and powerless", and the constant anxiety and sense of worthlessness made me at a loss in life, so sex was very attractive to me due to its own power, but I didn't want to do such things casually in reality(I think that's tantamount to giving up on myself.). So I'm obsessed with porns, and just seeing the attractive body makes it hard for me to control myself, let alone impressive sex skills, and I can't control myself to masturbation and ejaculation so fast, which makes me really upset. Please believe me when I say that I am not talking or complaining, I am really from the perspective of an observer who sees myself suffering uncontrollably, and if you think it is nonsense, please forgive me.

I observe the "No Self" both in the midst of desire and in ordinary everyday life, and I can see this kind of story, but I feel that it is still a rational understanding, as Ilona and Garsius talks

"Ilona: Examine the label 'I'. What does it point to? Anything real?"

Garsius: It points to the complex of body, thought and feeling. Is it real? I struggle here.

I am struggleing here too, seems intellectually.

Garsius: There is no “me” inside except that thought about “me”. Then “me” wants to hang on as the observer who observes the “I” thought and all other stuff inside and outside.

Exactly.

Garsius: It happens by itself. I can just be aware of it or not. Who is aware, then? Yeah, I can see that awareness happens by itself too... Who is aware of awareness then? Damn, that is confusing...

Exactly as mine, infinite loop of "me".

Garsius: There is a feeling of apathy here. It’s like “yeah, yeah, that is true, but—whatever”. Sometimes moments of strange happiness come, then everything’s the same again.”

Yes, it's just like mind game and another understanding of "no self", doesn't solve any my real suffering(as I said in sex desire).

I still seem to be struggling with deep pain and confusion, I don't know how much nonsense I have in what I say, and how much of it reflects the right progress, I hope you aren't surprised. I really want to see it through, really, I don't want to lie to myself and to you for just mindfucking myself as I have achieved the goal.

Best regards.

[JohnWhite]

Sry, as I reread my post, it seems like talking shit. All come down to one sentence -- "I feel myself in a huge intense mood so fat and become more and more intense, meanwhile I just intellectually understand the meaning of 'No Self'."

[Magdalena]

Yes, John. That’s it.


All the stories, the analysis, the quotes—they were just cover.
Now you’re saying what’s actually here:
Overwhelm. And an idea about “No Self.”


Let it burn.
Don’t fix it.
Don’t think it through.


You said it: intense mood, intellectual understanding.
So what?


That doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
It just means you’re still waiting for this to MEAN something.
To feel a certain way.


It may not feel good.
Or it may.
It doesn’t matter.


No rescue is coming.
No breakthrough is needed.
Just this.


ALWAYS SIMPLY THIS.