Hi Vince,
The self had quite a field day yesterday trying to grasp and panic and re-centre itself, but I'm coming back to raw experience whenever I notice - I guess all part of the process? But here goes some be answers:
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No. None whatsoever. Nowhere. There
never was.
Ever.
Just a happening of experience that we build into an illusion (or rather delusion) of the self. But
nowhere and
at no point can this be distinguished as a separate self.
2) Describe how the illusion of an independent, self came into being by giving examples from actual experience.
Then give some experiential examples of how life changed for you after seeing through this illusion.
From before I was born and certainly immediately after the illusion of an independent self came into being by being given a name, a gender, a familial backstory and a place in a family. From this point onwards - at school, in work, and simply in day-to-day social interactions with
other "selfs" the illusion of the self is perpetuated by engaging in life from a center point.
But we cannot
all be the center. And if there is no one part of what makes up the illusion that is
me that one can define as the self, then there can be no self.
Now that I can
at points notice and see through this it seems as if those wondering around as selves are just play acting. And engaging in life as if they have a purpose or a place to be. But - as I sit and watch people walking to work - there is in essence no difference in
their movements and those of the leaves swaying on the trees or the birds in the sky. They just are.
And there is no "
they"
This is just a game we play to feel more in control, more important and more vital than
we are.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels grounding and reassuring to see this. A letting go. An unraveling.
It comes and goes and, as I say, yesterday I got swept up in lots of problems of the self - work, cleaning and packing to move house. If there is any obvious difference it's that these
"self-centred" times now seem more distinct as I have a calmer reality to compare them with.
But when I remember, when I notice and can come back to raw experience it feels lighter and there is a definite release of physical tension. It's like seeing life through a different lens...or rather seeing life through know lens.
Seeing rather than feeling.
4) Can you remember any specific inquiry that resulted in an epiphany? ..a before and after seeing the actuality of the Self. Was there a point when you ‘got it’?
I don't think there was one specific point. But it was almost in realising this that I started to see. My
self was waiting for an epiphany - most probably based on stories and beliefs I've acquired of how "
enlightenment
" should be. But when you pointed this out I realised that rather than waiting to
gain something or experience
more this helped me to realise that it is more of a letting go. Of a waking up to what was always there.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how these things happen and how they work
.
If there is no self and there is just
happening then there can be no free will. I'm struggling to put it into words without making it sound too simple.
But maybe it is that simple?
It just flows.
For example, just now I dropped my pen off the balcony I was sitting on and it fell to the ground below. As if I had free will, I stated that I was going to go and retrieve the biro pen because it was nearly full and a good brand. But it is only conditioning that has formed beliefs which makes any of those things seem
true.
I then went outside to get the pen, walking down two sets of stairs, picking it up off the floor and walking back inside noticing it was raining.
But again, there will be layers of conditioning and
programming that instructed
me to
do that.
And what drove me to seemingly
make the
choice to go back inside? Was it because I wanted to or because that it where the
self has been conditioned to reside?
Or is it that the particles that make up the mass of energy I call the self flow towards the best conditions for optimal survival?
And in this sense, everything just flows, with an inmate knowing of what happens next.
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
If everything just is, then surely nothing. There is no responsibility if everything is simply existing. Because to whom or what would the responsibility be?
Surely the notion of responsibility comes into play when the illusion of the self creates rules and structures to generate a false sense of control.
For example, when I was employed by my last work place, I was "responsible" to my manager for arriving at 9am. But the second I was perceived to no longer be working under that "contract" I was no longer "responsible" to them for anything. It was simply the manufactured rules and structures put in place in the game that was that job which gave my delusional self the perceived sense of responsibility.
But if I walk down the road and a bird walking on the pavement moves out of my path, it is not because it feels a responsibility to do so. Neither does the blossom on the trees bloom because it feels responsible in springtime.
Everything just is.
6) Anything to add?
Just
concern that
I've got it all
wrong. But fascinating nonetheless.
With thanks,
Wilding.