Some of the copy is redundant but oh well! :-)
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
No.
Was there ever?
No.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
As I’ve experienced it, it’s the somatic sense of being a free-standing entity—vulnerable, separate, and unintegrated with “everything else.”
My sense of self has always felt "somatically underpinned.” For as long as I can remember, I’ve had at baseline an often gripping tightness in my chest or stomach, a kind of physical dysphoria. Over time, per “the story,” these sensations became associated with- and elaborated upon by trains of thought that effectively located a “me” in them.
When the sensations were particularly intense, they spiraled into corrosive, runaway loops of “body-mind” self-ing, which I identified with- as all belonging to “me”. These loops would sometimes escalate into full-blown clinical depressions, characterized by compulsive ruminations and a pervasive sense of physical illness in the body.
While I was most aware of this dynamic as a “body triggering the mind” phenomenon, it was actually a circular loop—body to thought, thought to body—each fueling the other, with no clear starting point. In conversations with other guides, they’ve suggested that these somatic sensations are likely conditioned trauma reactions to prevailing stimuli, reactions which I came to unconsciously label and expand upon as locating a “me”.
Although this conditioning still asserts itself, I can readily see through it. It’s recognized now as just part of what I have to work through to fully realize my awakening. I’m practicing self-compassion and deep looking and letting the sensations just ride themselves out.
My awakening experiences, one of which was accounted for in entries posted on my thread on 10/23/24, are consistent with my “somatic underpinning” theory.
Both experiences were characterized by the sensation of my body un-gripping itself, accompanied by an awareness that ‘I’ was no longer present. I forgot who ‘I’ was and felt as though I had become “part of everything”.
Though those experiences of course faded, my body at baseline feels less “gripped” and easier to carry. The sensations I once mistook for ‘self' are now simply recognized as sensations. As these sensations no longer loop into egoic thinking, the sensations (or thinking) that used to drive the self-ing have waned.
Note: I’ve noticed that whenever I’ve been on anxiolytics, my body would become calm and quiet. In those states, egoic thoughts seemed to lose their intensity and grip. It’s a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation, but what stood out to me most was how my body felt—rather than the specific patterns of my thoughts. Egoic thoughts would still arise, but they wouldn’t take hold; they would fade away in relatively short order.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
I no longer hold the illusion of a separate self. While I still experience the sensations I once mistook as 'a self,' I now know they don’t belong to any “me”. The same is true for the egoic thoughts they once gave rise to—or any egoic thoughts, for that matter.
3) How does it feel to see this?
It’s freeing, liberating, and makes for an “easier to carry” body.
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
In a lasting way, I’ve seen through the illusion of the ‘separate self,’ whereas before the dialogue, I hadn’t truly crossed that threshold.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
What pushed me over were the awakening experiences and the lasting impact they had, particularly the enduring sense of no-self at baseline.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will , choice, and control.
Decision: Conceptually speaking, a decision is a thought or feeling that arises in the flow of experience, where something is implicitly or explicitly affirmed or rejected. There is no actual self making the decision—it simply happens as part of the unfolding of experience. A decision may arise with embodied sensations that seem to “charge” or reinforce an interpretation, leading to an affirmation or rejection. At other times, decisions may arise without noticeable sensations, or the sensations present may feel neutral or uninterpretable. My experience falls more in line with the former.
Ultimately, however, decisions are empty. They don’t exist as independent things. They dependently and necessarily originate from prior conditions. No actual "self" is making them. It’s the result of a complex web of interconnecting factors that are impossible to really define. In the flow of experience, i.e., functionally speaking, decisions come out of nowhere.
Examples:
• “Don’t feel like eating sushi again.”
• “Whatever’s on tap works.”
Note: In his book ‘Emptiness and Joyful Freedom’, Greg Goode, a nondual author, and friend of LU, also invokes the concept of emptiness. Rupert Spira, another nondual figure, has also incorporated the discussion of emptiness into his talks.
Choice
It’s essentially the same explanation as a decision. However, rather than the focus being more on affirming or rejecting one option, there are necessarily two or more options to choose from, and one selection out of the option set is chosen. As in a decision, there is no actual self doing anything, i.e., choosing. It just happens.
Examples:
• “Don’t feel like eating sushi again. Will ask for a salad instead.”
• “Not sure which beer to get. Give me whatever’s on tap.”
Intention
Same as the decision explanation except, instead of exercising an option, intention only expresses a movement or direction towards something.
Examples:
• “Don’t feel like eating sushi again. Leaning towards asking for something leafy.”
• “Not sure which beer to order. Intend to ask for whatever’s available.”
Control
Any sense of control or of there being a controller is illusory. In the flow of experience, things just happen. Again, as before, emptiness in invokable here.
Free will
Free will is the illusion that a self or doer “freely” chooses, decides, or acts, without being constrained by external or internal factors – internal factors such as biological, psychological, or subconscious processes.
On a functional level, choices, decisions, intentions, or acts just happen on their own. They don’t originate from a doer or self. On an ultimate level, as was explained earlier, the concept of emptiness may be taken to account for how all this operates.
What makes things happen?
Functional reality:
In the flow of experience, things just happen, and all without a self or doer.
Ultimate reality:
At this level, nothing is fixed, i.e., there are no inherently existing, independent, individual things. That kind of identity exists only in the conceptual mind, which imposes labels on- and fragments the flow of experience. Decisions, choices, intentions, free will, and control can be described as temporary appearances arising within a vast, interdependent web of conditions. These conditions trace back through an infinite chain, with no fixed beginning or end.
How does it work?
See what has already been explained.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
No self is responsible for making anything happen. See previous answers for further context.
When I was young, I thought I was responsible for my stuttering problem. I believed I had solved the problem by willing myself to relax, but that was just my sense of self taking credit for something that was ultimately empty.
I used to feel guilty for thinking certain thoughts, but I now know I wasn’t the one thinking them. They just arose on their own—i.e., they were empty.
As a teacher, I used to feel responsible for the lack of attendance in my classes. However, there is no ‘I’ there to begin with to assume any responsibility.
6) Anything to add?
No
