The Gate

Well, the exasperated frustration is from that wanting wishing everything would move along and believing things SHOULD move along. It's like believing that things could be different from the way they are and so believing that they should be.

Anything that IS, can only be that. Anything that ISN'T, couldn't, and shouldn't. What does it even mean for something to have or not have a right to be? It's only this, and there isn't anything else, only thoughts about something else.
But don't interpret this as "Everything that's here should be here so I shouldn't think that things should be different". Even that thought isn't apart from this, is it?

Anyway, sounds like you got a good handle on the process, keep chugging along there.

thoughts on attending the meetup - first, terrifying. i have social anxiety at the best of times, double with strangers. it was a big leap out of my comfort zone to do it so that's a fear felt and faced. lots of thoughts of said something stupid talked too much shouldnt have come. recognised those as thoughts, almost left it there but doubled down a bit and felt more into "what if all of that was true, what does it mean for you right here and now" to which the answer has to be nothing at all, save this kinda sick feeling from thinking about it, but i can deal with that.

i don't know if it's always like that but it struck me how much any of the others there could have been me. the content and the histories are different but the bones of it are all the same. same doubts same fears same struggles same pain same searching for a way out and looking for help. feels significant in a way i cant articulate properly. brings up a big tangled bundle of emotions i can't quite separate out right now.

thought more on death this evening as well. i haven't mentioned before but i have an inherited heart condition, i'd had fainting spells all my life and didn't think much of it because my mum had them too and it wasn't until i was 27 and collapsed in public people made me go to the hospital, turns out any of those episodes could just as easily been sudden death. had a pacemaker implanted 2 weeks later, and i've since had it replaced with a second one since the battery only lasts for about 10 years. it pokes out under the skin of my chest on the right side. any time i drive i car i strap a seatbelt right over it. it pokes and moves any time i stretch my arms up above my head or flex my chest, it's visible right there when i stand in front of the mirror every morning. and yet i hardly ever remember that fact. i'll go weeks and weeks at a time forgetting that it's even there. my mortality literally stares at me in the mirror every morning and i look right through it. tomorrow morning i'll look, and see it, it's worth remembering.

Oh dude everyone's welcome in the meetings. You can yap all you want hahahahh. And you definitely did say some valuable things.

Yeah everybody's the same in a sense. It's just how the human mind is wired. Only the conditions and environment are different. You don't need to sort out or label any emotions, just feel into them.

Oh shit that heart condition thing. I guess "every day could be your last" has more relevance to you ahahahah.

Let's make a useful (yet artificial) distinction moving forward.
There are 2 parts of your experience:
1) Direct Experience (DE, 5 senses)
2) Thought.
Anything that is not DE is thought.

Try this inquiry.
DE Inquiry: First, use meditation to quiet the mind somewhat. Then, inquire: "What's here that's not a thought?" Then, LOOK. If thoughts arise, note that those are just thoughts, don't judge them or yourself. Then, return to the question. If you find yourself judging, note that the judging itself is just more thought. Then, return to the question. LOOK in the gap. As soon as you notice that there is a gap, note that EVEN THAT NOTICING is another thought. Go back and back and back again. "What's here that's not a thought?" Look and see

Been sitting with this, is the gap here the gap between the passing of one thought and the arising of the next (even the noticing thought)? When I'm looking, it's like an intention to feel into the senses to the maximum extent possible, reaching out into them, this collection of sensations that is arising right here and now whatever it is is not a thought. The more I'm discarding arising thoughts and keep pushing back into the senses the more they start to merge, things get wavy and strong fear sensations come up - no fearful thoughts to go along with them just body sensations. Though saying that I suppose even labeling it as fear is a thought, but that seems to happen so automatically and instantaneously there's no gap to get under. Feeling into this big pile of sensation as it starts to all become one inseparable thing, a thought occurred last night while i was in bed - what actually is this stuff? What even is sensation, what's it made out of? All sight and sound and touch is merging into a blob of stuff that seems to be more or less the same but trying to pin it down and drill into it it slips away into nothing that can be held, it doesn't seem to be anywhere or made of anything, there's nothing to be found underneath the apparent solidity, so how is it that it feels so real?

is the gap here the gap between the passing of one thought and the arising of the next (even the noticing thought)?

Yes

Though saying that I suppose even labeling it as fear is a thought, but that seems to happen so automatically and instantaneously there's no gap to get under.

Don't worry about getting in the gap or staying there, those will just be "efforting" thoughts getting in the way. Once you know you've labelled it as fear, all you can do is note that that's a thought and move on, any thought about it being automatic or missing the gap is just more thought to be noted and let go of.

what actually is this stuff? What even is sensation, what's it made out of? All sight and sound and touch is merging into a blob of stuff that seems to be more or less the same but trying to pin it down and drill into it it slips away into nothing that can be held, it doesn't seem to be anywhere or made of anything, there's nothing to be found underneath the apparent solidity, so how is it that it feels so real?

Note that this whole thought process has a bunch of assumptions behind it. You're just imagining that there's something all this stuff IS or is made out of and then trying to look for that. Any "What is...?" thought is just a thought. There is no WHAT without thought. It doesn't feel so real to me. It feeling real is just a way your mind is interpreting it, in other words, thought. You've even set up a real/unreal distinction as a presupposition as if there are real and unreal things. There's no realness or fakeness outside of thought.

Keep going with this and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Been feeling some more intense reactions the last couple of times, the fear sensations are coming up again and when i feel into them it gets more severe. my chest started feeling tight and constrained and then suddenly im gasping for breath out of nowhere. not sure if it's something physical like i'm tensing or hunching over unconsciously but it definitely spikes the fear feeling and it's very unpleasant. i will keep at this, possibly it's not coming from the inquiry itself, im stressed about a visit with my mother today which is always hard for me and now i'm noticing a ghost of the same feeling when i'm walking around anticipating that. so it could just be something that's already there showing itself during inquiry. going to look at it as an opportunity to practice non reaction today, ill try and sit before and after and compare my experiences

Doesn't sound like this fear is coming from your mum hahahhah. Keep at it man

Keepin on keepin on, nothing significant changing with inquiry right now sitting with it a couple of times a day, but i'm noticing i have less attachment to opinions specifically and less reactivity overall which is nice. randomly remembering 'who is experiencing this', popping into my head while i'm doing normal things so i'm keeping it in mind during the day when i can. peak period at work this week so most likely there will be good opportunities to notice reactions and feel emotions in normal life

Where's the fear that was coming up before?

I was thinking it just hasn't put in an appearance the last few sessions, but sat this morning and this afternoon with this in mind specifically and i think i caught what's happening. there's the beginning of physical tightening/resistance in the upper chest which moves together like it's about to seize up and solidify into fear breathing, then it's recognised right at that stage, then theres an automatic relaxing or breathing-through that spot on the next inbreath and it unwinds itself and doesn't progress further. First session this morning i noticed this just the once or maybe twice over the course of about 45 mins to an hour, then when i sat again later on with that earlier experience in mind i caught this happening maybe 7 or 8 different times. the beginnings of a physical contraction, recognition, and releasing with the breath happening automatically - i'm guessing it was also happening on its own earlier but i just wasn't catching it consciously.

havent noticed any shifts in identity or much of anything out of the ordinary happening otherwise, some experiences of vibrating physical sensory phenomena and some mild visual experiences but mostly just questioning > feeling a bit >thought/mind wandering > questioning again. still some subtle expectation thoughts about waiting for something to happen, the old doubts on a low background hum that's sort of just become one aggregated object in itself - eg not doing it right nothing's happening don't know what to do try something else, that's all sort of "answered" with a feeling/intention of yeah i dont know but i'm not ever going to suddenly start knowing because the mind cant know at all, carry on doing this to the best of your ability regardless, the doubt thoughts aren't going to change anything

Let go of the expectation that something's gonna happen while sitting. You've got this passive "waiting" thought going on during your practice. You don't really know what's gonna happen, if anything at all, and neither do I. I don't even know why you're sitting.

This is a good time to ask, why are you sitting? And can you let go of that?

A number of reasons i guess. First and foremost theres a kind of felt obligation, i've committed to signing up here and working this process and trying the things you've suggested sincerely, staying consistently engaged with it and sitting is just how that happens for me. If i don't specifically make the time to actually inquire or do whatever practice then i probably just won't do it, or at least it will be half assed. distraction comes easily and theres infinite other things i could be doing. It's also just nice to take some time out and be quiet. It can be quite interesting. It's a habit that took a lot of dedicated effort to develop consistently.

And then, why would i not sit? I don't know what i'm doing, where i'm going, how to get there or whether there's even a there or a going or an i in the first place. I can't think my way through this, i have no way to orient myself any more. can't really know for sure that any course of action or none is better than any other alternative as far as contributing to awakening goes, but taking time out to practice has helped with living life generally even if it hasnt awakened me so why not.

Can i let it go? I think i'm willing to let anything go at this stage. I'm about as close to hands totally off the wheel as i've ever been since first discovering this stuff, i've been flirting with the idea of just dropping this whole search entirely. can't forget, can't go back to not having seen the glimpses of there being some other way of being that i've already seen, but im already living with having that knowledge and not being awakened so what even changes if i just stop bothering. no way forward and no way back.

Ok, no more inquiry, no more sitting. If you've got time on your hands, don't fill it up. You sit for at least an hour or 2 a day, so you must have at least that much time where you can do absolutely nothing.

Drop the search, but don't fill up the time with some other pursuit or hobby or chore to fill the void. Just leave it. Nothing's gonna happen. Let nothing happen.

This isn't a practice. There's no practice. If you feel bored, feel bored. If you feel restless, feel restless.