The Gate

Good morning Magdalena!

I am ready to look.

With Love

Jade

Hey, Jade,

Good to hear from you.

So let's look. ;-)

In your recent posting you referred to

movement in my body

So let’s look into what is referred to as “body” – how real is it?
Here’s two experiments to help you with this.

Head Exercise
Let’s examine the solidity of the head.
Press a finger down onto the top of the ‘head’.
Notice what is actually present.
Is it a head, or is it just a sensation labelled ‘pressure’ and a story ABOUT a head?
Do the same with a finger on each side of the head.
Is a head actually found, or are there just sensations again?
And is there anything between the pressure points, or is it just a thought that says there must be something between them?

Body Exercise
Sit with eyes closed for about 15 minutes.
Paying attention only to the pure sensations, without relying on thoughts or mental images:
Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?
Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?
Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?
What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?
What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?
Look very carefully, especially with the last question. Take your time, don’t rush. You can
look several times during the day while doing other things (like washing hands, showering,
having a short break from work, walking, etc.) before replying.

Please answer all the questions.

Dear Magdalena,

This investigation was accompanied by resistance and looking for distractions.

Is it a head, or is it just a sensation labelled ‘pressure’ and a story ABOUT a head?

There are just sensations

Is a head actually found, or are there just sensations again?

Just sensations.

And is there anything between the pressure points, or is it just a thought that says there must be something between them?

There are just fields of sensation. To say there is something ‘between’ doesn’t make sense when looking. (Very strange experience again)

Can it be known how tall the body is?

No

Does the body have a weight or volume?

No

In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

There is no ‘the body’ there are fields of sensation that move and shift. They have vague shapes, but are not still.

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?

This question seems so strange. No. There is connection or contact between body and clothing, so the opposite of boundary/distinction.

Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?

I can feel myself imagining one. If I let go all I get is a feeling of floating on clouds complete loss of heaviness. As if gravity disappeared and everything was floating with and around me. And there is differences in intensity of feeling, there I can create boundaries if I want to. But I need to ‘make’ them, they are not just there.

Is there an inside or an outside?

Very convoluted here. Its like everything is just experienced? What would usually be called ‘inside’ is just black emptiness felt and what would be called ‘outside’ is light emptiness experienced. Something like this?

If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?

No idea

If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

No idea

What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?

Fields of more or less intense sensation. When there is a reaction to any of these sensations (I don’t want it for example) there is tension and more heaviness – this is what the label ‘the body’ might be used for.

What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

No idea, again just sensations. It feels like I am not seeing clearly here.


With Love

Jade

Dear Jade,

You’ve done some very good looking. :-)

Next time, when an

investigation [is] accompanied by resistance and looking for distractions,

try and take a peek behind the resistance etc.– what is it that it’s there to do? Like, hide something? Protect something? Prevent something? What’s it there for?
Get curious.

I can create boundaries if I want to. But I need to ‘make’ them, they are not just there.

Is it that “you” “make” them, or that they simply appear to be there, and so we’re just so used to living with an assumption that they are really there – without bothering to look and check?

What would usually be called ‘inside’ is just black emptiness felt and what would be called ‘outside’ is light emptiness experienced.

Take another look: is what you call “black emptiness” any different from “light emptiness”? Or are they the same? LOOK.

What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

No idea, again just sensations. It feels like I am not seeing clearly here.

Oh you ARE seeing very, very clearly.
Is that initial resistance about this?
Is there any fear?

Dear Magdalena,

try and take a peek behind the resistance

Oh that was loud and clear. When reading the inquiry prompts the thought came: "They took my agency, they are not getting my body." I just took that to be the ego revolting a little, I let it be, noted the resistance and attempt to distract from the enquiry. I did not fight it and when there was an opening/readiness I just looked.

What helped immensely in remaining with everything was the experience with the attachment to philosophy having disappeared without notice.

Is it that “you” “make” them, or that they simply appear to be there, and so we’re just so used to living with an assumption that they are really there – without bothering to look and check?

They appear to be there from a certain perspective. When actually looking/checking they are not there.

Take another look: is what you call “black emptiness” any different from “light emptiness”? Or are they the same? LOOK.

It is the same but different. Like different shades of the same, different intensities of the same.

Oh you ARE seeing very, very clearly.
Is that initial resistance about this?
Is there any fear?

With other investigations there was a sense of surprise and a “oh wow I SEE”, which didn’t occur this time.
This feeling of interest/delight/surprise might have become an expectation when looking and also became a measurement of the quality of looking.


With Love

Jade

HeyJade,

… the thought came: "They took my agency, they are not getting my body."

Entertaining, eh? The poor little “me” putting up its heroic defences against some mysterious “them”?

I did not fight it and when there was an opening/readiness I just looked.

Perfect. No need to fight it once it’s seen for what it is.

It is the same but different. Like different shades of the same, different intensities of the same.

Time for a Nature Exercise now that the weekend is coming :-)
Go out into nature and spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects and birds – all move all the time.
Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colours, sensations come and go.
Notice that everything is part of one movement, despite all appearances.
Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself. If yes, where is the boundary?
Is there an inside and an outside of Life?
Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?
Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?
Is witnessing part of the one movement too?
Is there anything which is not just happening?

This feeling of interest/delight/surprise might have become an expectation when looking and also became a measurement of the quality of looking.

Yes, this can happen and it helps to be aware of it.
But, as you sound not entirely sure, why not have more fun with this (wonder if the “me” plays up again ;-)


Another Body Exercise
Please find a quiet place and a quiet time. Sit or lay down and relax. Close your eyes and relax.

Can you attend to sensation exclusively? Not minding thought babbling about this and that? Not minding thought labelling sensation for a bit?
Thought may tell: "I am lying here" or "My body is lying here" or "A body is lying here".
But could this be known from pure sensation?

Thought might suggest: "There is a soft pressure against the back". But could you know about "pressure" or "back" from pure sensation?

Once arrived there, while ONLY attending to sensation, please have a look at the following questions:
Can be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a specific size, shape or weight?
How many toes are there?


Yet Another Body Exercise
Please follow each step, don't leave out any. Take your time. Don't move to the next step until the previous one is clearly seen.
Repeat the exercise several times.
Stand in front of a bigger mirror.
(1) First, close the eyes and feel the sensations labelled “body”.
(2) Then open the eyes and look into the mirror while still paying attention to the sensations.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror?
Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?
(3) While still paying attention to the sensations move one hand and observe the movement from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?
(4) Now do the same movement with the hand, but this time look at the hand directly, not from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled “hand”) and the image “of movement”? Or only thoughts suggest it?
(5) Now, pay attention only to the image in the mirror.
Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is “you” or “your body”?
Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a “body” at all?
Or are there only colours and shapes?
(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body (probably legs) cannot be seen.
Just by the image in the mirror, is there any “knowledge” that there must be legs, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?
(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).
Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?
(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a “body walking”, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of “walking” at all?
Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT “walking”?
Can such a thing as “body” be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a “body”?
Can such a thing as “walking” be found?
(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labelled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

Dear Magdalena,

Entertaining, eh? The poor little “me” putting up its heroic defences against some mysterious “them”?

Very cloak and dagger indeed. My very own big brother/spy adventure haha.

Time for a Nature Exercise now that the weekend is coming :-)

There is no inside of life and outside of life. Everything is included in the movement of the whole. There is no witness apart from movement.

Can be known how tall the body is?

No

Does the body have a specific size, shape or weight?

No

How many toes are there?

– feet are blobs of sensation moving, no differentiation at all

Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror?
Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?

There was no connection.

Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?

No

Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled “hand”) and the image “of movement”? Or only thoughts suggest it?

No – there was just surprise and astonishment no connections between labels and experiences.

(5) Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is “you” or “your body”?
Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a “body” at all?
Or are there only colours and shapes?

No self – just a composition of moving shapes and colours

(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body (probably legs) cannot be seen.
Just by the image in the mirror, is there any “knowledge” that there must be legs, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?

No indication.

(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).
Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?

No

(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a “body walking”, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of “walking” at all?
Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT “walking”?
Can such a thing as “body” be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a “body”? Can such a thing as “walking” be found?

If feels more like a continuous movement of different speeds. Some shapes move faster, some slower. If ‘walking’ is this movement than it can be found, otherwise no.

(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labelled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

Oh this is a better description, there are just appearing and disappearing sensations.

With Love

Jade

Hey, Jade,

Spot on - very well seen, all of it.

How does it feel to see this?

Dear Magdalena,

When I look I am calm and centred.

What is interesting is the instant gut tightening-feeling of tension when reading your instructions guiding the seeing, when looking is imagined/planned/projected as a future task.

Before the agency exercise it was easy to look right there and then without resistance. Now it takes a while to get to a place to be able to look. What is there is exhaustion, overwhelm and wanting distraction, once all that settles and there is seeing, there is peace.

With Love
Jade

Dear Jade,


Thanks for sharing this.

What is interesting is the instant gut tightening-feeling of tension when reading your instructions guiding the seeing, when looking is imagined/planned/projected as a future task. … What is there is exhaustion, overwhelm and wanting distraction, once all that settles and there is seeing, there is peace.

Can it be that you’re pushing too hard? Straining yourself unduly? Why not simply be curious and look into things to see what’s in there to be seen?

No need to take all this so very seriously. Things already are as they are (hence the peace at seeing: it is all good), and so whether Jade resists it or not does not change anything, does it? Whether Jade believes she needs to make effort to do the seeing or not likewise makes no difference, right?

What if that identity of one who wants to fully see through the self illusion is put aside – temporarily? That’s the identity of one who needs to tense, make effort, resist, wait till things settle to do the task properly, and so on. Just to see what happens, out of sheer curiosity?
How does that sound?

Dear Magdalena,

And once again you have helped me see that what I thought was self-compassion (being ok with resistance, not judging it, but pushing through when possible) was not quite compassionate. Thank you

Why not simply be curious and look into things to see what’s in there to be seen?

I love this pointer. Just rest and seeing will unfold.

What if that identity of one who wants to fully see through the self illusion is put aside – temporarily?

The wish arising is to drop this identity entirely not just temporarily.

No need to take all this so very seriously. Things already are as they are (hence the peace at seeing: it is all good), and so whether Jade resists it or not does not change anything, does it? Whether Jade believes she needs to make effort to do the seeing or not likewise makes no difference, right?

The other pointers/prompts brought rest and peace, compassion and openness. This one perturbs. It touches on agency and the difference the 'I' can make. There is unwillingness to release. There is no rest here, no curiosity.

With Love

Jade

Dear Jade,

… what I thought was self-compassion (being ok with resistance, not judging it, but pushing through when possible) was not quite compassionate …

That’s not really what I meant. The way I see it, compassion and self-compassion are both concepts invented to talk about experiences which are not sincerely accepted or embraced. They are not at all relevant here.
Who needs (self-)compassion once it is seen that everything, literally everything, is as it is – including resistance, no resistance, being ok with resistance, not being ok with resistance, judging or not judging, pushing or not pushing etc. etc.?
Aren't all these essentially - thought stories?
Isn't it ok for them to be here?
Isn't it ok for Jade to like some parts of it and dislike others?

Just rest and seeing will unfold.

It will or it will not. There's no way of knowing.
Which means you can just as well rest if you feel like it. Go look for distractions (and enjoy them shamelessly) if you feel like it. Forget all the inquiry, exercises, what not. Take a break. Enjoy the spring.

You think it matters if/how/when Jade sees through the illusion?
You think it makes any difference to Life?
It’s already what it is, including Jade, her desires, her ambitions, her wanting distractions – and there is nothing wrong with any of it.
So you can just as well relax and enjoy.

The wish arising is to drop this identity entirely not just temporarily.

I know what you mean.
So drop it for good if you can RIGHT HERE THIS MINUTE. Stop pretending to be the seeker Jade RIGHT NOW.
Or, if you can’t, make a pact with yourself to drop it just for some time.
Like, pretend it’s not there for two or three days, just for fun.
Live like it’s not there.
If it sounds contradictory to what was suggested above, go for one of the options.
If not, try out both at once.
There are no rules.
You are free already (even if it does not seem like it at all), with all your wishes, desires, hopes, expectations and all – just as THIS is already here.

The other pointers/prompts brought rest and peace, compassion and openness. This one perturbs. It touches on agency and the difference the 'I' can make. There is unwillingness to release. There is no rest here, no curiosity.

So why not let Life take care of this?
It’s got its ways to show you who’s boss. Pull the rug from under your feet so you can’t miss it. There is no need to release anything then, and there can be no doubt.
Don’t force yourself to release anything. Again, just live your life, and keep your eyes open.

Dear Magdalena,

Who needs (self-)compassion once it is seen that everything, literally everything, is as it is – including resistance, no resistance, being ok with resistance, not being ok with resistance, judging or not judging, pushing or not pushing etc. etc.

To me (self)compassion is a word to stop the mind chatter to allow space for seeing.

Aren't all these essentially - thought stories?
Isn't it ok for them to be here?
Isn't it ok for Jade to like some parts of it and dislike others?

All of this is ok.

Just rest and seeing will unfold.
It will or it will not. There's no way of knowing.
Which means you can just as well rest if you feel like it. Go look for distractions (and enjoy them shamelessly) if you feel like it. Forget all the inquiry, exercises, what not. Take a break. Enjoy the spring.

That's exactly what happened.

You think it matters if/how/when Jade sees through the illusion?
You think it makes any difference to Life?
It’s already what it is, including Jade, her desires, her ambitions, her wanting distractions – and there is nothing wrong with any of it.
So you can just as well relax and enjoy.

A lot of sleep was needed.

The wish arising is to drop this identity entirely not just temporarily.
I know what you mean.
So drop it for good if you can RIGHT HERE THIS MINUTE. Stop pretending to be the seeker Jade RIGHT NOW.
Or, if you can’t, make a pact with yourself to drop it just for some time.
Like, pretend it’s not there for two or three days, just for fun.
Live like it’s not there.
If it sounds contradictory to what was suggested above, go for one of the options.
If not, try out both at once.
There are no rules.
You are free already (even if it does not seem like it at all), with all your wishes, desires, hopes, expectations and all – just as THIS is already here.

The other pointers/prompts brought rest and peace, compassion and openness. This one perturbs. It touches on agency and the difference the 'I' can make. There is unwillingness to release. There is no rest here, no curiosity.
So why not let Life take care of this?
It’s got its ways to show you who’s boss. Pull the rug from under your feet so you can’t miss it. There is no need to release anything then, and there can be no doubt.

I see there is no choice, there is nothing to do - to let go/drop/let Life take care of it - Life always does. There is no chooser to make a choice and there is no choice as everything is as it is - nothing to choose from, no options to compare.

With Love
Jade

Ps. And seeing that

there is no choice, there is nothing to do - to let go/drop/let Life take care of it - Life always does. There is no chooser to make a choice and there is no choice as everything is as it is - nothing to choose from, no options to compare.

is restful and calm.

With Love

Jade

Dear Jade,

Good to hear from you. :-)

To me (self)compassion is a word to stop the mind chatter to allow space for seeing.

When you use the label “self-compassion”, how does it really feel, i.e. what bodily sensations is it applied to?

That's exactly what happened.

Good. Doesn’t it feel kind of natural, spontaneous and comfortable, to follow one’s gut feeling on what to do next – like, keep doing the looking, or fully enjoy being distracted? (Not that there’s a choice ;-) This is not a task to accomplish, and there is no deadline. No one will receive a bonus or anything. ;-)

A lot of sleep was needed.

Nice ;-)

I see there is no choice, there is nothing to do - to let go/drop/let Life take care of it - Life always does. There is no chooser to make a choice and there is no choice as everything is as it is - nothing to choose from, no options to compare.

Yes.

That said, to go back to my previous suggestion,

Can you stop pretending to be the seeker Jade RIGHT NOW?
If you can’t, can you make a pact with yourself to try and drop this identity just for some time?
Like, pretend it’s not there for two or three days, just for fun?
Live like it’s not there?

Let me know how this experiment goes.