1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
ANSWER:
No and no.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
ANSWER:
It is a thought. The voice in the head + a thought image of the body and the belief that that somehow constitutes a separate entity or person called Marta. I can’t remember when it started for me but there would have been a time, probably during childhood, when verbal thoughts started, when a voice started in the head. Then later on there would have been an identification with the thoughts as being me or I am the one who is thinking these thoughts and that this “I” was Marta or pointing to something real called “Marta” that is somewhere behind the eyes doing the thinking.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before we started this dialogue? Please report from the past couple of days
ANSWER:
First there was sadness, then laughter, then grief. There was a feeling of something missing – like missing an old friend. Now there is just a happy okay-ness. In terms of differences, seeking fell away immediately. Not just in terms of non-duality or spiritually but seeking for anything to be different or better than it is right now. There is no urge to change anything that is happening and no more seeking in thoughts for anything. There are still thoughts but not judgmental thoughts and they are not a problem. Everything can just be as it is. There is way less resistance to what is happening. Also, during spiritual seeking I had become addicted to food and gained a lot of weight. No more obsessive thoughts about food. Even though the body feels hungry there is no real urge to eat. I need to remind myself to eat. This change is the most shocking and it was also immediate. Life isn’t as serious as it was thought to be.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
ANSWER:
I am a little unclear about this one. I’m not really sure what just happened. I had expectations that this was going to be a long process taking months or even a year and that we were just beginning the journey. When you asked after a week if I had seen through the illusion of separate self and if I had any doubts or questions it felt like my entire world had just crashed and there was so much disappointment that this was it. Then it seemed like all my beliefs about spiritually and non-duality came crashing down right after, so much crying and heartbreak then so much laughter and relief and now here I am, grateful.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control.
ANSWER:
Decision – when there are two different thoughts “ I want to go to the movies” and “I want to go to the park”. One thought is stronger “I want to go to the park” then the action of going to the park follows with another thought “I made the decision to go to the park” – however, this is just another thought. There is no “I” behind it that made the decision. It is just another thought saying “I made the decision”.
Intention – I have an intention to eat healthy today. However the words “I have an intention to eat healthy today” are just a thought. There is nobody behind that thought who has this intention so you can’t even say there is such thing as intention.
Free will – this is another thought, idea, overlay on what is happening. What gives rise to the idea of free will is the thought “I could have done this” or “I should have done this instead” – that the “I” is pointing to an actual entity that could have done something different, when the “I” is only a word / thought that is pointing to nothing. There is no entity behind the word “I” that could have or should have done something differently or that could have something called “free will”.
Choice – this ties in with decision. There is no person behind a choice. If I come to a fork in the road and I go left. Nobody did that. There was just going left. Now there could be a whole slew of thoughts about “should I go left or right etc” and then eventually one of the thoughts will win and there will be going left or right. However, thoughts aren’t even needed. If I was going really fast in a car and the fork just appeared in the road, the body would react and turn the car left or right – there would be no thoughts involved. It would be an automatic movement. No time for thoughts. Choice would be something added on later in the form of a thought “I chose to go left, what a great choice”.
Control – just another idea that there is someone in the body that is choosing and deciding to do things and has control over life. There is no control because control doesn’t exist outside of the idea of control and there is nobody who could or could have control anyways.
6) What makes things happen? How does it work?
ANSWER:
I don’t know. Things just seem to happen. I get out of bed in the morning, brush my teeth, feed the animals, make a coffee, turn on the computer and start working. I don’t know what makes any of that happen. There is not even thought involved in any of that. It’s just automatic. If the thought comes to make a cup of tea, I will get up and head to the kitchen. Movement follows the thought but that doesn’t mean the thought made anything happen and I don’t know what made the thought “get a cup of tea” happen - it just appeared. I don’t know what is causing the body to move – it’s just moving.
7) What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
ANSWER:
Responsibility is just another idea that there is someone in here that has choice and control. That doesn’t mean that being responsible doesn’t happen. If I am driving and I rear-end someone, I will pay for the damages and might even say the words “I am sorry, I take responsibility for this accident” but that doesn’t mean there is an actual “I” that is responsible for the accident.
6) Anything to add?
Thank you for this Elad.