1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion is that there is a separate self that thinks, makes decisions, feels, etc., i.e. a permanent actor that "does" all these things while remaining more or less constant over time. The foundation stones are laid in early in life when the body is given a name and parents and others treat the baby as an individual who can chart their own destiny through effort and planning. This feeling of being an individual able to control what happens becomes completely ingrained through repetitive thought patterns (my body, my life, my toys, my car, my views, my accomplishments …) which obscure direct perception of the flow of life and create and reinforce the illusion of an independent self ... when things don't go according to plan it is taken to be because not enough or the wrong effort is made by the individual … the notion that the individual doesn’t exist would be considered crazy. I can now recall from my own childhood how at the age of 6-8 I slowly began to feel pressure building to become successful at school and in other areas of life which meant that “I“ had to make an effort to ensure a successful outcome. Prior to that transition I remember being largely happy and carefree often spending long periods looking at colors and other intriguing things, not thinking about anything in particular, and quite frequently experiencing expansion of self when falling asleep at night.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
The fact of the absence of a self is still coming and going, but has introduced a greater sense of calm, space and relaxation. Seems like there is more freedom to observe and relax without having to react. Prior to the dialogue I was very occupied by thinking and figuring things out … thinking is still very much there but there is a more objective observation of the thought process, less identification with it … and at times great joy in suddenly seeing that there is no-one actually thinking but that it is just rolling along without any problems and life continues, but with a profound difference. Last night for example, I was sitting with a group of people and there was much less projection of ideas onto the situation, and much more space for things to unfold in a peaceful and enjoyable way.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
A couple of ideas from the dialogue seemed particularly eye opening … the suggestion that what seems like continuity of thought might just be another thought was revelatory … the hand turning exercise which initially seemed pretty far out was useful when I couldn’t find the instigator of the turning .. and finally the pointer to the fact that there will never be anyone to confirm the insight was a useful jolt since my default is to find an explanation and helped a relaxation into a spaciousness within which the thought process and search was present but the context had changed.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Even before this exercise I have had a hunch that what seemed like major decisions (marriage, education, interest in “spiritual” matters, career..) and smaller more mundane day to day decisions sort of made themselves without much planning or direct input from me and that everything had worked very well despite a limited input from “me”. The exercise has suddenly explained this hunch completely … there was no me all along.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
I have been interested in “spiritual” enquiry since my early 20s (I am now late 60s) … I have often intuited that this overpowering interest was more that “spirituality” was taking an interest in “me” than the other way around … I now see that it has been a longing to explore the nature of the “me” without realizing I was looking for my own absence. Does this make sense?
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
I hope the above examples address this .. I don’t have free will since I don’t exist … but choices are made … by no-one … or perhaps by life itself.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
One very topical example here could be the “decisions” made in my ending up in this dialogue … as mentioned above I have a long standing interest in spiritual enquiry and have of course come across anatta and many other references to the absence of self but have never really been able to penetrate below the a conceptual understanding. However, last week I found a book on my shelf from the 90s by someone I liked at lot back then called Burt Jurgen’s … I decided to see if I could track him down and perhaps talk to him … however, my search didn’t yield any results, he seemed to have disappeared, but in the process I found reference to a large number of websites one of which was LU and I picked a video at random with Ilona Ciunite which struck a chord and I made contact etc. Anyway, it is pretty clear that this serendipitous process was an unfolding rather than a directed process, and certainly not by “me” in a narrow sense.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
The above gives some examples.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
The truth is I don’t know … I am reminded of the old saying, the Lord works in mysterious ways … life unfolds.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
While the me doesn’t exist, life will present situations where responsibility is obviously needed … responsibility for children, ones own and others welfare etc. My mother’s husband passed away last year and left her depressed and bereaved … I have been doing what I can to help and support her … it’s just what the situation called for.
6) Anything to add?
I feel delighted at the latest turn that life has taken … it is about as intersting as anything could be … while nothing has changed, everything has changed and will no doubt keep changing.
It is still early days and I hope to be able to stay in touch and benefit from Henri's and others experience … and would of course appreciate any comments or feedback on what has been written.