Who am I?

[CherylVT]

Dear Simon,

Let’s explore choice, control and decision-making a bit further.

Can you take me through a biggish decision that you made recently - not something very personal so you can share more details about it.
How did it come to be?
Consider all the conditions that were necessary for it to happen. If any one of those conditions were different, would the outcome have been the same?
How many of these conditions were outside of your influence?
What was in your control (according to thought)?


Please give me some details about your decision making...
Love,
Cheryl

[countrylife]

Can you take me through a biggish decision that you made recently - not something very personal so you can share more details about it.

A promotion was offered to me at work and I was debating whether I was ready for such a role. I'm also currently studying for a Masters degree which limits the time I have to focus on work.

How did it come to be?

I declined the offer as I didn't feel ready and could not put in the effort required for the role.

Consider all the conditions that were necessary for it to happen. If any one of those conditions were different, would the outcome have been the same?

No, definitely not. Had I not been studying, or had I not been with my current partner, or had I not been struggling with the masters recently, the chances are I would have accepted the offer. I speak as though I made the choice but that's because it is natural to speak like that. Directly I can see that all the causes going on at the time had the effect of me saying no at that particular moment in time. There was no decision made by me the thinking mind.

How many of these conditions were outside of your influence?

All of it. I don't control the mind which is struggling to understand the masters, my partner's opinions were simply expressed and heard by the mind which took them to consideration.

What was in your control (according to thought)?

All of it. I made the choice because I'm struggling with my course and my partner thinks it's the better choice for me.

Hope that makes sense as it came from the heart.

[CherylVT]

Dear Simon,

There is a long list of events that led you to declining the job. You see there is no decision at all – it’s all one thing leading to another, leading to another, and finally thought appears to announce that a decision has been made :). But now let’s examine this even further:

Do cause and effect exist without thought?

You say

I declined the offer as I didn't feel ready and could not put in the effort required for the role.

But did lack of readiness and effort cause you to decline the job?

You say

my partner's opinions were simply expressed and heard by the mind which took them to consideration.

Did the mind "take them into consideration"?

How are ‘cause’ and ‘effect’ experienced directly?

You say

I made the choice because....

Is that true?

What is time without memory (thought content)?

Can you directly experience ‘past’ or ‘future’? Can you directly experience ‘1 min ago’ or ‘1s ago’?

Love,
Cheryl

[countrylife]

Do cause and effect exist without thought?

No they are thoughts. Concepts narrating life.

But did lack of readiness and effort cause you to decline the job?

No. It just happened and thoughts make meaning of it.

Did the mind "take them into consideration"?

This is another thought explaining life.

How are ‘cause’ and ‘effect’ experienced directly?

They aren't. It's life taking place. Thoughts trying to explain it.

You say I made the choice because.... Is that true?

No, it's a thought explaining what happened.

What is time without memory (thought content)?

It doesn't exist in experience. Thought, when believed, makes time into something.

Can you directly experience ‘past’ or ‘future’? Can you directly experience ‘1 min ago’ or ‘1s ago’?

No I can't. Experience is always happening. Any past or future is thought.

Thank you again for all this Cheryl, I imagine this is very time consuming for you and you're putting a lot of effort into trying to help somebody you've never met. If the seeking stops, I will try to help others come to the same cessation of seeking.

[CherylVT]

Dear Simon,

At this point, it will be a good DE exercise to get out for an actual walk in nature and observe interconnectedness. See how ALL is moving interdependently, including thinking and the senses. Hold these questions in mind:
Is there anything that is separate from everything else?
Is there a border that divides “me” and “my body” from everything else, or is it just a thought? Is that interdependent movement outside of you? Is there an “inside” and an “outside”?
Is there an owner of being?
Are there others? Is there an “I” in others?
Is there a “you”?

Close your eyes. Do you see a border for being? Where does being end?
Now open them. In DE there is only seeing/hearing/etc. and thinking provides the labels. It’s like a picture that everything is drawn in pencil on paper – the illusion of separation is created by different colours used – otherwise it’s all paper.



Different colors in seeing create the illusion of things but all that is there is seeing. Different levels of sounds create the illusion of a song but all that is there is hearing. Can you see that?

Love,
Cheryl

[countrylife]

Thanks, Cheryl.

I will go through this some more and report back tomorrow.

[countrylife]

Is there anything that is separate from everything else?

No it is all happening. Thoughts come up causing a seeking division but in DE there is only experience.

Is there a border that divides “me” and “my body” from everything else, or is it just a thought? Is that interdependent movement outside of you? Is there an “inside” and an “outside”?

These are concepts. There is only experience. Directly there is life. Thoughts come up trying to explain and sensations arise which the mind labels as frustration.

Is there an owner of being?

No. None can be found.

Are there others? Is there an “I” in others?

No these are thoughts.

Is there a “you”?

This is also a thought. A sensation in the body and thought saying this is me, here I am.

Do you see a border for being? Where does being end?

No border can be found. Only colours and thoughts trying to make a border.

Different colors in seeing create the illusion of things but all that is there is seeing. Different levels of sounds create the illusion of a song but all that is there is hearing. Can you see that?

Yes experientially there is hearing, seeing, tasting, sensing and thoughts.

This was a tricky exercise. There was resistance to it and frustration. There is the expectation that I should be seeing by now. It is all seen but it seems harder to detach from.

Thanks again, Cheryl.

[CherylVT]

Dear Simon,

You answers are very acceptable.

Then there are those sneaky expectations!

You say

There was resistance to it and frustration.

Here is what Ilona says about resistance.

There is one thing to end seeking, it's quite another to end resisting what is.

It's like there are layers to awakening, one more subtle than other. Seeing that no one is here doing, thinking, living a life of separate entity does not automatically end all the resistance. It's not one hit and that's it: resistance-no-longer-arises-deal. All those little thoughts, beliefs, shoulds, emotional wounds, fears, habits, stories, the whole personality of the character did not form in a day, so it does not usually collapse in a day either. If you look back at your life, there is a story. Some stories are sticky, some are vague, some trigger deep emotional pain. The pain that paralyzes and keeps one stuck in the same patterns. If you could release all this sad stuff, what would be left is pure joy of being and peace.

When resistance ends, surrendering happens, it's actually the same movement, labeled from different ends. Every little resistance released is surrendering in action. Letting go, falling off old "parts of you", stuff that no longer serves and is no longer needed.

What does resistance feel like in the body?
Where is resistance located in the body?
Can you sit with resistance, uncomfortable though it is?

You also say

There is the expectation that I should be seeing by now. It is all seen but it seems harder to detach from.

Please read Ilona's blog post on expectations.http://markedeternal.blogspot.com/2013/ ... tions.html

Then answer the first set of questions that she asks:

The easy steps to drop expectations:

1. Write all of them down.
What do you expect from......?
What you don't expect from........?
What do you want from.....?
What you don't want from......?

Love,
Cheryl

[countrylife]

Hi Cheryl,

What does resistance feel like in the body?

Tension, a contraction in the body. Which is a sensation and a thought.

Where is resistance located in the body?

In the chest area but it is a sensation and a thought. It arises and goes.

Can you sit with resistance, uncomfortable though it is?

Yes. There is no need to fight it. There is no need to do anything to it. There is merely a noticing of it, experiencing and allowing it to be.

The easy steps to drop expectations:

1. Write all of them down.
What do you expect from......?
What you don't expect from........?
What do you want from.....?
What you don't want from......?

There was an expectation that something should be different. The world should feel special. A big bang and suddenly I should be able to see the world differently but it's clear that this was just a belief. A belief that yes this is what it's meant to be like, what is here now is not enough it must be bigger and better. It must be more than this, it has to be! All the mystics and teachers describe it as this beautiful and blissful state, so there must be more! Yet, there isn't more. This is what is here and this is enough. Any effort to get to it is fleeting. Any effort is the problem. It already is!
I don't know when it dropped but it seems to have lightened. It seems clearer that there is experience happening. As typing happens I can see the thoughts coming up and being experienced but there is no feeling of a "me" doing it. It is just taking place. It's funny because thoughts come up saying things like "but teachers said that you experience everything as one! This can't be it. There must be more!" Yet the seeking isn't there. What is here is enough.

Thank you again, Cheryl. I am very thankful for the time you have spent with me. The patience you have shown.

[CherylVT]

Dear Simon,

You say

This is what is here and this is enough. Any effort to get to it is fleeting. Any effort is the problem. It already is!
I don't know when it dropped but it seems to have lightened. It seems clearer that there is experience happening. As typing happens I can see the thoughts coming up and being experienced but there is no feeling of a "me" doing it. It is just taking place. It's funny because thoughts come up saying things like "but teachers said that you experience everything as one! This can't be it. There must be more!" Yet the seeking isn't there. What is here is enough.

Subtle is significant.
You have listed several subtleties:

it seems to have lightened.

no feeling of a "me" doing it

It is just taking place.

seeking isn't there.

What is here is enough.

When the core belief has been busted, a lot of other beliefs will still be hanging around. What you want to do at this point is LOOK and LOOK again. Keep your eyes open, let the beliefs come to the surface. Keep looking. They will come up one by one ready to be examined and released. Don’t fight them. Hold on to nothing. As soon as you start holding on to beliefs and ideas, you get stuck - you feel right about something and feel like you have an opinion. To unstick, just let it all fall off. That means question everything you are certain about. It may take a few months to settle in, but everyone is different, so there is no way to know how long it will take for everything to be re-examined. Sometimes it is intense, sometimes it’s gentle, but there is no finish line, only falling deeper and deeper into peace. Looking is the tool that has to be used over and over again. “Crossing the gate” is only the beginning of a long integration and re-evaluation. All this old conditioning has to be seen for what it is. The best part is that the cleaning happens on its own – it takes care of itself. If fear appears, it just shows that there are areas that have not been examined and need to be explored with DE.

How’s life these days? Is there anything else that you want to explore together specifically?


Love,
Cheryl

[countrylife]

Thank you for expanding on it all. It's definitely helpful to remember that this is just the beginning and it'll slowly clean itself up. There is a knowing. Very subtle but unmistakable. A "me thought" comes up and immediately it is seen as an illusion. The sensations join it for a moment but since energy is no longer invested they fall away in their own time.

How’s life these days? Is there anything else that you want to explore together specifically?

It is all the same. Nothing has changed except the knowing that the story of Simon is not real. Suffering is still here but not as intense and I think over time this will also lessen. There is an underlying feeling of peace, not very obvious but there and nice to experience. I think I'm able to proceed on this path alone now, Cheryl. However, are they any resources available for what comes next or is it unnecessary and one should just let all experience come and be released, let the mind do it's reprogramming in other words?

Thanks again,
Simon

[CherylVT]

Dear Simon,

Here are the final questions. Please answer all questions in full, when you are ready.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.

Describe intention & give examples from experience.

Describe free will & give examples from experience.

Describe choice & give examples from experience.

Describe control & give examples from experience.

What makes things happen? How does it work?

What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?

Love,
Cheryl

[countrylife]

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No there was never such a thing. It was an unquestioned belief which ingrained itself deeper and deeper into the mind. A story about this body and experience. A fairytale with a perceived ending in death. The separate self exists only in thought but is longer identified with.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

Initially we are this. Just pure experience or DE as you put it. Then somebody comes along and teaches us some concepts, "mommy" and "daddy" so our brain associates a body as such. Then we are taught "me", so "mommy" is not "me". They are "others". This keeps growing and growing, expanding to other things in experience. A "bird" "singing". There is hearing and each sound is unique and different but the mind conceptualises it. This concept of "me" becomes so ingrained in life that when a sensation arises in the body the mind immediately makes a story about it to explain why and what needs to be done to relieve it. In the past you were hungry and crying helped, so now our behaviour gets fussy and we get grumpy when we are hungry. Now it is seen as a sensation and thoughts trying to label the experience. The "me" is still experienced but not believed.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

Life is exactly the same but there is less attachment to thought. The thoughts still arise such as "I'm going to do this later" or "There is anxiety, why do I still feel anxious after I have seen the illusion?", "Where is the bliss I was promised?!". These thoughts are experienced and immediately seen for what they are. What is noticed is the mind is more quiet but the body seems more agitated. More sensations labels as anxiety seem to be present but there is an understanding that these need to be released. They are coming up to be healed.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

The dropping of expectations of what it should be like. The mind expected bliss and fireworks and no matter how many times I was told it isn't, the mind still believed some exotic experience should take place. After the expectations were dropped it was the realisation that feelings can be used to point to the truth. Anxiety is asking you to look deeper, "there is more than you know here, come and look!" and realise that thought is controlling you. The dropping of identification was not noticed but it is experienced now. There is still doubt - which is ultimately sensations in the body and a thought labeling - but there is an underlying knowing that it is just that. The experience of doubt is happening.

5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.

A sensation in the body and a thought "I am very hungry!" and then another sensation with the thought "I should go eat because it's uncomfortable". At some point the body gets up and goes to make food or eat then finally "I have cooked a meal and ate!". It's funny looking at it now. It's like somebody walks around following you commenting on all that is happening. "Now Simon is making a sandwich, he is spreading mayonnaise because he really likes it. He seems to really be enjoying the smell of it! Now it appears he is thinking about that thing that happened at work a week ago and how that other person was wrong to do what he did!". It's funny and crazy how obviously simple it is.

Describe intention & give examples from experience.

Intention was experienced as "I'm going to raise my hand" and then the hand rises. We then get a thought "I raised my hand!". In DE experience we notice a thought, followed by movement in the body and then another thought.

Describe free will & give examples from experience.

Free will is a concept. The experience is what is. The truth is here right now in what is happening. Once we start discussing concepts such as "free will" we are no longer experiencing but rather trying to explain what it's like to experience.

Describe choice & give examples from experience.

Choice is also a concept. A thought claiming responsibility for the happenings of life. "I can choose pepsi or coca cola", "I feel like coca cola" and then "I chose coca cola therefore it is clear that I chose it. Me. I chose the drink.". In direct experience however we can see thoughts are happening.

Describe control & give examples from experience.

There is no control. At the moment typing is happening and words are appearing. Thoughts are coming up saying "yes that's what I'm thinking, yes that makes sense, yes that sounds very spiritual and awakened. You did it! You finally awoke!" but they are just happening. The words come automatically.

What makes things happen? How does it work?

"There is a God which made everything and gave each one life and purpose. I will make something of myself and be remembered! Me, this body Simon will make a name of myself!". The thought is seen and life is realised to just happen. In reality it is like a time is playing and dance is happening but there is no conductor. A bird flies in front of you, that is experience. Life experiencing life, a beautiful thing which the mind gracefully dismisses as "just another bird".

What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

I am responsible for absolutely nothing because there is no I to be responsible. There is simply cause and effect and thoughts claiming responsibility.

6) Anything to add?

There is more left to dissolve and let go however I feel this will happen over time as you explained in a previous post. I appreciate the time you took to explore with me.

I hope it was explained well and if not please let me know so I can elaborate further.

Cheers,
Simon

[CherylVT]

Thank you Simon.

I have two more questions.

At some point the body gets up and goes to make food or eat

Can the "body" do things?
Can a label do things?


Returning to anxiety, one more time:
What are some of the thoughts that come up with anxiety?
Please list a few thoughts.

Does any thought have any relevance to anxiety?

Sending love,
Cheryl

[countrylife]

Can the "body" do things?

No. The "body" exists in thought. In DE it all happens without a doer.

Can a label do things?

No a label is just commentary. A thought describing what is happening.

What are some of the thoughts that come up with anxiety?

"What if I'm not performing enough at work? What will they think of me?"
"I hope I'll be able to reach the expectations of 'x'"
"What if I'm not really awake? I would need to seek again!".
Those are some thoughts that arise and pass. Sensations are present at the time and the thoughts try to make up a story about them. It is all seen without resistance or attachment. A good example is my partner going out more often, before it would irk me and thoughts would arise that "I'm not enough for her", "why does she need other people?", "She likes others more than me" and I would cause a lot of suffering due to not accepting what is. The last few days a thought comes up and a sensation, they are seen and accepted. No resistance at all. She is being herself and it has nothing to do with me. There is no need for a story around it.

Does any thought have any relevance to anxiety?

Anxiety is a label provided by thought. In experience it is a sensation in the body. The mind classifies the sensation as anxiety which is caused by "this particular reason that you need to fix!". It's all a process taking place.

Thank you Cheryl!