curiousity

[JonathanR]

Hello Rita

. I do not know why , but everything feels even worse now. Just like I got a beautiful insight yesterday, and today thoughts/ ego/me/whatever came back online with just horrible stories.

I understand. Yes, the illusion that there is a self and that it suffers can crop up.

It's perfectly possible to "fall into" belief in thoughts. Horrible stories, as you say.

. Feel really not accepting of this moment, do not want to feel this fear and pain, and at the same time I know this is what needs to be accepted, because it is what is here now.

That's true. It's good that this is recognised. Perhaps, after a while,it will be possible to allow it, to greet it, not push it away? Perhaps it wants to be seen and accepted?

. So.... well. A bit confused.Ashamed actually. For loosing whatever I felt yesterday. For kind of believing in thoughts,beliefs in beeing hopeless and bla bla.

Well,the lovely thing is that beliefs can be seen for what they are and identification with them can fall away. And it can happen more or less automatically sometimes.

I'm going to be traveling and possibly very busy for two or three days so do not be surprised if I don't manage to communicate every day, though I will try. After Sunday it should be back to normal.

Sending love

Jon

[EllieRose]

Hello Jon!

It has been a very two step forward and then one step back process, so well, back on looking for a "me".
Do you have any questions I can work with during the weekend, that would be great. If not, that is also fine. At one point I will see through this structure or veil clearly.
Enjoy your trip,Jon!

love
Rita

[JonathanR]

Hello Rita

Yes. I have a quick question for you..

. A bit confused.Ashamed actually. For loosing whatever I felt yesterday

Who lost what? Feelings, perceptions,come and go.


Love

Jon

[EllieRose]

Hello!

Just wanted to write to you about this morning, everything is so crystal clear. No personal me, that is just a belief system that most people take to be true. Seeing again,the now of life happening within and without.
Now it is just like the other night, and I have been quite "awake" believing thoughts that I am sleeping.
Aaaah, I will enjoy this day to the fullest, feel so much gratitude for what this life is showing me. Speechless! One breath at a time, full of sensations.Even physical pain seems to be enjoyable right now.
Have a wonderful day,Jon!
This unit called Rita thanks you so much!
If there is a tomorrow, we will see how this goes.

Much love
Rita!

[EllieRose]

Hi again.

To your question.Who was that? No one,just thoughts and confusion from old programming.

Rita

[JonathanR]

Hi Rita

. Aaaah, I will enjoy this day to the fullest, feel so much gratitude for what this life is showing me. Speechless! One breath at a time, full of sensations.Even physical pain seems to be enjoyable right now.

That's great!

. Have a wonderful day,Jon!
This unit called Rita thanks you so much!
If there is a tomorrow, we will see how this goes

Thank you so much. It was a wonderful day. My son's graduation day :-)

But are you a unit? A unit sounds somehow separate from everything that is not "the unit".

Love

Jon

[EllieRose]

Hello Jon!

Am i a unit?
Well,no.. I am not a unit.That was a thought,an expression. Still I am here and you are where you are. And we are the same life or thing or no thing, are we not? Still thoughts here...about free will, choices, time, beliefs, thoughts.
I am not who I thought I was,but still curious... It is just life, sensing,seeing,hearing,touching ,tasting and now writing to you.
A mysterious experience! "What do I do now,?" says my thoughts. The answer that comes up is,- hiking in the mountain!
Any fun questions for me?

Congratulation with your sons graduation!

Much love
Rita

[JonathanR]

Hello Rita

. Well,no.. I am not a unit.That was a thought,an expression. Still I am here and you are where you are

It's possible to say that, yes. But where are you really?

"In a body", located spatially according to map coordinates?

Am I at different map coordinates?

Speaking from experience I can say nothing at all about "where I am" .

If you are still hiking , take a moment on your own to stand and look around. Notice everything going on, sights, sounds, smells, even tastes, and tactile sensations. Notice nature. Rocks, earth, grass, sky, clouds, water, sun, trees, insects, animals, people, everything alive and wiggling. Notice any feelings, sensations, thoughts too.

Now look for an edge or line in all this where "you" end and "everything else" begins.

Love from

Jon

[EllieRose]

Hello Jon!

"where are you really?"
Do not know,actually, there is no me in direct experience. That is actually an idea.Not in a body.Not on a map. Is there even maps? All that is is thoughts and .... This.Wow. Silence.
Am I dreaming you? This? The me? Another thought.
There are no lines in my direct experience.A lot is happening, though!

Love Rita

[JonathanR]

Hi Rita

If you are outside or still hiking, somewhere in nature, take a while to try the very exercise I suggested, where you look for a line or edge.

Love

Jon

[EllieRose]

Hello Jon!

When I did the exercise yesterday I was looking for this line or edge. My direct experience is like a point of percieving "here",- to seeing the trees,the ocean,the sky ,colors. Hearing birds,sounds and the wind on my face and the feets contact with the earth.
Still a lot of thoughts,doubt an question ,-"what am l not seeing or "getting" here?"

Today thinking is loud in my direct experience, and they are not very happy or encouraging towards anything on "no self". It like; I am here! Could very well be a dream, still feels real, knowing of what is here in experience.

Love
Rita

[JonathanR]

Hey Rita

. When I did the exercise yesterday I was looking for this line or edge. My direct experience is like a point of percieving "here",- to seeing the trees,the ocean,the sky ,colors. Hearing birds,sounds and the wind on my face and the feets contact with the earth.
Still a lot of thoughts,doubt an question ,-"what am l not seeing or "getting" here?"

Dont worry. Things fall into place naturally. This isn't a race and just needs a little bit of time. Don't force anything. When you're in the mood to look again reread the exercise as I wrote it and then find an opportunity to try it out.

. Today thinking is loud in my direct experience, and they are not very happy or encouraging towards anything on "no self". It like; I am here! Could very well be a dream, still feels real, knowing of what is here in experience.

It sometimes goes like this as you're half way across the Gate , big doubts and turbulence can easily come in. It doesn't matter. It will not be permanent. You'll see. Take things easy.

Love

Jon

[EllieRose]

Hei Jon!
Thank you for reminding me that I am not in a hurry.This is quite a ride , -to consider a reality whithout free will, where everything is unknown. Shifting emotions and thoughts, I feel more present, with my senses. That is probably because of less watching stuff on this subject, and more attention on experience.

Would be fantastic to be able to stay in the energy of silence, where nothing is missing and seems clearer. Wonder how it will feel to actually see through my self without doubt, - of a wishful thought of understanding the concept. Haha, all this is thoughts!

I am going for a hike soon, and will take my time and really just be with all of my senses and then look for any line or bridge. Without expectations, just as it is,just real!

Wish you a good day, Jon!
Love
Rita

[EllieRose]

Hello Jon!

I am the line,the bridge.It was, me all along. My body is very tense,feel it is a fear response of this. Of seeing, allowing to be seen. by me.No fucking seperate self, just me....Just needed to write something down , fuck. Am I going crazy? Already crazy, am I going sane maybe?
If you know what I mean by this, what do I do now? Super scary.I am such a liar and I am the one causing my own suffering.All along,all me.

love Rita

[JonathanR]

Hi Rita

. My body is very tense,feel it is a fear response of this

Could easily be. So do not push anything.

Fear responses are common. Many people experience this. It's ok. We can very likely address this.

. me....Just needed to write something down , fuck. Am I going crazy? Already crazy, am I going sane maybe?
If you know what I mean by this, what do I do now

I would suggest relaxing for now. There is no need to feel rushed or under any kind of pressure.

. Super scary.I am such a liar and I am the one causing my own suffering.All along,all me.

In a very real sense this is not true.

This inquiry does not suit everyone. Particularly if there is already anxiety or emotional turbulence or depression, it may not be helpful or very wise to push on with it. I have noticed that you tend to have one 'happy' day often followed by an anxious or unhappy day?. Is this a pattern that you recognise?

Love

Jon