Some guidance would be much appreciated. Thanks!

[01Brianna]

It was difficult to think of something that had annoyed me, but eventually I remembered something. Then it was difficult to feel any anger about it, but eventually I began to feel a constricted feeling around my ribs and noticed that I was breathing shallowly. I felt a constriction in my throat too. It gradually changed from what I would call anger to what I could call fear, and I could feel my heart beating faster. Eventually it seemed to change to a discomfort in my chest and stomach and throat which I could call hopelessness. It subsided a bit but I was still aware of the discomfort until I lost awareness of it (because I was distracted by something else).

[MerlinC]

we can get freaked out when the land scape changes in us and thats ok just were not used to being so direct with ourselves and are used to feeling a certain way, but its ok to feel. Try finding it again.

[01Brianna]

I went back to it and could feel a slight tightness in my chest and throat, a feeling of hopelessness, but much less intense than before. I’m generally feeling peaceful at the moment.

[MerlinC]

Thats it just like sapping the energy from a battery, can you still find it? If so keep with it your doing great.

[01Brianna]

Hi Merlin, I haven’t been able to find any more on that issue, but I’m finding a lot of other feelings. There is so much unexpressed anger and I’m starting to feel the grief under the fear, helplessness and disappointment. I went to an ecstatic dancing ceremony this evening and was able to stay with the sensations while dancing and expressing them which was new for me.

[MerlinC]

That's very good so are you saying you can bring up the memory but its not emotionally charged anymore? how does the mind see that memory now?

[01Brianna]

Yes, there’s no emotional charge attached to that memory. The mind sees that memory as a neutral fact that happened. But there are other thoughts attaching to that thought. Other memories relating to the first one concerning the same people and issue, and thoughts about the possible / probable future consequences. There are feelings of fear and frustration and powerlessness attached to the thoughts about the possible future outcome. I’m doing my best to feel into those feelings now.

[MerlinC]

Their can be many layers but just remember that its better too heal so we can be logical when usually we would be triggered. Make any more head way?

[01Brianna]

I’m struggling with this. The thoughts about the future consequences lead to other thoughts about financial insecurity and not having enough money to survive, and also about the demands on my time and energy being more than I am capable of meeting. The feelings about these thoughts / beliefs are terror and despair. The fear of being overwhelmed which is related to the thoughts (of the potential future scenario) is happening now, ie the feelings are overwhelming and I’m not able to stay with them. It’s hard to feel my body and my head is fizzing. I’m surprised to find these fundamental beliefs and fears underneath such an apparently small issue.

[01Brianna]

It’s also weird to see that the cause of my actual (current) feeling of overwhelm is the fear of future overwhelm (a thought / belief).

[MerlinC]

Worry is a a fear and its just a feeling, where is it in the body? sit their with it, fear is a difficult thing to want to stay with but it weakens as we embody our inner space. all were doing is feeling, the mind wants to fix emotions by changing something and their is a time and place to fix things in the physical but for now just allow, tell me how it goes.

[01Brianna]

I don’t think I explained what was happening very well. Somehow I have traced backwards from a minor annoyance to an underlying terror and despair from childhood trauma and I can’t stay with it at all. Every time I try it again I just dissociate and can’t think or feel anything. I tried it in my therapy session yesterday, just going to the edge of dissociation and asking the part of me that is trying to protect the child by shutting down to step out of the way. There was some progress and I felt more of the terror. I have tried it several more times today and it’s exhausting. Obviously I know that there is nothing to be afraid of now, but my body still shuts down. I’m a bit confused about whether this is what I’m meant to be doing.

[MerlinC]

some of these things are difficult and take time, I'm betting their was a point in your journey that you wouldn't even face it and would look away maybe even distract yourself from it. you feeling it was no easy place to get to so you should be proud of yourself most people don't. Just like the annoyance it will digest its just a bigger piece. does the shutting down have an emotion? can you see yourself shutting down, remember awareness, it doesn't distinct between bad and good it will allow these things to pass through it just like every other sensation such as watching a bird outside or working, emotions fill that space, remembering we are meditating over these things like the sky has clouds in it at times. tell me how it goes.

[MerlinC]

Here's a really cool teacher named Jeff Foster whos really good at talking about this kind of stuff. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVzl494 ... erOfficial

[01Brianna]

The shutting down doesn’t have an emotion, it has a physical sensation, a strong fizzing feeling throughout my entire body. It doesn’t have any thoughts, but it has a loud sound like continual white noise. Afterwards There are thoughts and feelings about the shutdown mechanism… there is frustration because of the belief that it’s necessary to feel the old fear feelings and the shutdown is preventing and avoiding that. Yes I can be aware in shutdown, aware of the physical sensations, the sound, and aware of awareness. Maybe that’s ok then? Maybe I’ve just been attached to my agenda of feeling certain feelings as much as I can and just labelled this one (shutdown) as avoidance and therefore bad. I’ve been trying to avoid avoidance! Some rather convoluted thinking and beliefs in there…

Thanks for the link, it’s useful.