The Gate

Can you explore this sense of someone-hood in direct experience and share what you find?

In direct experience when attention is on senses there isn’t the sense of someone-hood but when attention is absorbed in thought and emotion it still seems like there is a someone. This is the current edge here.

In direct experience when attention is on senses there isn’t the sense of someone-hood but when attention is absorbed in thought and emotion it still seems like there is a someone. This is the current edge here.

It's similar to if you imagine a lemon, cutting it, and taking a bite. Some can almost taste the sourness. But when you open your eyes, where is the lemon?

This comes down to repeatedly looking and not finding an inherent self, so the more you begin to notice that as you go about your day, the more obvious it tends to become.

Let's explore this with the next exercise.

Explore ‘Sense of Self'

Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there.

You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken.

This is just like that. You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.

Now, I’d like to ask you to explore this sense of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by feeling it. Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:

Does the sense of self have a location?

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

What is found?

Does the sense of self have a location?

It seems to operate in the head area or in the mind. Behind the eyes.

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Its size is rather like the brains and also the shape is like a brain.

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

It has opinions on many things and also is critical and adoring of many things. It thinks it knows what life should be like, what others should be like and how I should be all things it can't control (seeing this as I write this.)

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

Thoughts, words, repeated such that their familiarity insinuates a sense of self.

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

In its negative ways, it is critical, arrogant, better than. In its humble ways it is supportive, appreciative, well-meaning. Serving of others and of life. Also, there is a sense of shame in even writing these things.

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

Its mostly made of Images although very faint, It has no smell or actual sound. It's Sensations and thoughts. The familiarity is sense of fear and shame and the fear is of not getting its needs met. The shame is of even having needs or wants. It's mostly narrative.

What is found?[/quote]

The sense of self is created by the mind running a tape of repeated thought narratives and feelings. The repetition of the same themes as expressed in thoughts and sensations creates a familiar internal environment that feels like it's a separate self.

Thank you for the answers, Alf!

It seems to operate in the head area or in the mind. Behind the eyes.
Its size is rather like the brains and also the shape is like a brain.

When you look and focus on direct experience, what is found?

Do the sensations behind the eyes think that they are a self?

What in the sensations behind the eyes say that it is the self? (without going into thoughts)

It has opinions on many things and also is critical and adoring of many things. It thinks it knows what life should be like, what others should be like and how I should be all things it can't control (seeing this as I write this.)

Does the sense of self have opinions or are there simply thoughts arising?

Its mostly made of Images although very faint, It has no smell or actual sound. It's Sensations and thoughts. The familiarity is sense of fear and shame and the fear is of not getting its needs met. The shame is of even having needs or wants. It's mostly narrative.

So the sense of self is made of sensations and thoughts. Does that mean it exists?

If you remember the Truth Lie Exercise, do you notice that the sense of self feels tight or contracted?

Here's what you wrote as a reply to the Truth Lie Exercise:

What I find is that each time I think about the lie or the hiding of the truth, there is a contraction a sensation of fear in the gut area. A desire to run and hide, but maybe that’s story. It’s a heavy gut.

When you look and focus on direct experience, what is found?

Do the sensations behind the eyes think that they are a self?

What in the sensations behind the eyes say that it is the self? (without going into thoughts)

In direct experience, there are thoughts, sensations, more thoughts. They seem to be in the head/brain area but when really attending in that area they evaporate, reappear or change. There is no self there that can be found. Its only a label, another thought for the thought, sensation process.

Does the sense of self have opinions or are there simply thoughts arising?

Thoughts arising. Opinion is a label for a kind of thought - still a thought.

So the sense of self is made of sensations and thoughts. Does that mean it exists?

If you remember the Truth Lie Exercise, do you notice that the sense of self feels tight or contracted?

Here's what you wrote as a reply to the Truth Lie Exercise:
What I find is that each time I think about the lie or the hiding of the truth, there is a contraction a sensation of fear in the gut area. A desire to run and hide, but maybe that’s story. It’s a heavy gut.

I can see that a sense of self does not mean that it exists. The sense of self feels heavy, contracted, dense, active. Just like the sensation of a LIE! oh my gosh. Its a lie!!!

I can see that a sense of self does not mean that it exists. The sense of self feels heavy, contracted, dense, active. Just like the sensation of a LIE! oh my gosh. Its a lie!!!

Yes! :)

How does it feel to see this?

How does it feel to see this?

It feels like a spark of freedom. Yet it seems to return as if on autopilot and then generates familiar fear narratives. What to do then? Look for the sense of the lie feeling rather than follow the narrative and react to it?

It feels like a spark of freedom. Yet it seems to return as if on autopilot and then generates familiar fear narratives. What to do then? Look for the sense of the lie feeling rather than follow the narrative and react to it?

Notice that the fear is another contraction. It's another lie trying to keep the original lie in place.

You can also do the deep looking exercise on the fear if it's a persistent one.

Ilona has a guided video on it here, specifically for fear: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKX1llYtlKE

This whole process can feel like going back and forth. You see and don't see. You're afraid and then you're free. It flip flops because new insights are breaking down the old, yet the old is still familiar.

This whole process can feel like going back and forth. You see and don't see. You're afraid and then you're free. It flip flops because new insights are breaking down the old, yet the old is still familiar.

Yes, it has felt very back and forth. Can you suggest what helps when the sense of self re-emerges perhaps with emotional reactions in tow, what to do that isn’t bypassing?

Yes, it has felt very back and forth. Can you suggest what helps when the sense of self re-emerges perhaps with emotional reactions in tow, what to do that isn’t bypassing?

Emotional reactions are best worked with after seeing through the illusion of self, because it's easier without identifying with them. Unless, of course, emotions stand in the way of seeing through self.

So in this case, when a sense of self re-emerges:

1. Try to find where it is with pinpoint accuracy
2. Separate the senses (the self often uses multiple senses, such as sensations, internal sound, and a thought saying 'this is me')
3. Do this every time there is a sense of a doer, watcher, controller, and so on

So for example, if a sense of self re-emerges, look at where it is. Maybe it's sensations in the chest area, with a sound/thought 'how dare they do that to me' and an image of what happened. Look at everything separately, the sensations, sound, and thought. Then look for a self in each of those components in direct experience. Where is it?

Another example: if a sense of self is there when you're making food. Maybe you feel like YOU are making food. Separate everything again. Are the sensations making food? Can a thought make food?

And so on and so forth...

You can use this as an exercise for the next day or two.

Let me know if this is clear or if you have questions on how to do this :)

Ok, this makes sense. I will get back to you after sincere application. Thanks.

Excellent. Enjoy!

Emotional reactions are best worked with after seeing through the illusion of self, because it's easier without identifying with them. Unless, of course, emotions stand in the way of seeing through self.

So in this case, when a sense of self re-emerges:

1. Try to find where it is with pinpoint accuracy
2. Separate the senses (the self often uses multiple senses, such as sensations, internal sound, and a thought saying 'this is me')
3. Do this every time there is a sense of a doer, watcher, controller, and so on

So for example, if a sense of self re-emerges, look at where it is. Maybe it's sensations in the chest area, with a sound/thought 'how dare they do that to me' and an image of what happened. Look at everything separately, the sensations, sound, and thought. Then look for a self in each of those components in direct experience. Where is it?

I’m sorry for the delay. I have been applying this on a daily basis when there are moments of selfing either via routine activities like walking or organizing my workspace. I also look into upsets to find the thoughts feelings sensations that the sense of self uses.

Do I continue this? I do find that certain aspects of the self have abated for example holding grievances.

I’m sorry for the delay. I have been applying this on a daily basis when there are moments of selfing either via routine activities like walking or organizing my workspace. I also look into upsets to find the thoughts feelings sensations that the sense of self uses.

Do I continue this? I do find that certain aspects of the self have abated for example holding grievances.

You can absolutely continue this if you're seeing results and it resonates with you (your body is responding yes to it).

We can also explore more here as you do that.

Here are a few questions on the topic of grievances. Maybe these questions show you different angles to inquire from:

Is it possible to know what thought will show up next?

Is there an owner of a grievance?

What is the experience of grievance without thinking about it?

Does a thought hold a grievance? Does a sensation? What holds it in direct experience?

Enjoy :)

Is it possible to know what thought will show up next?

No it’s not 🤣

Is there an owner of a grievance?

No, there is just space seen, the sensations that are entangled with the thought seem to convey selfless but when seen for what they are it falls apart.

What is the experience of grievance without thinking about it?

Oh my, it’s a sensation in the gut…. Same as those for lies! 🤣

Does a thought hold a grievance? Does a sensation? What holds it in direct experience?

A grievance seems to be sensations wrapped in thoughts and more thoughts leading to more sensations and stories to keep it going….. What holds it in direct experience is belief, but is that direct experience? Or is it more thought?