Dear Ankita,
What a wonderful morning .
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
There was always an idea of an "I" a continuity of past memories and beliefs and acquired knowledge that gave me some sense of solidity. That has thoroughly been understood to be just a collection of stories and images.There is no seperate "self", "me" or "I" . that I can find now or ever has existed. No shape, no form , no way.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of the seperate self started early on as a need to protect something that was not "mine" to begin with. A misinterpretation that there was an entity with senses and pain which was given a name and taught a language and given beliefs and acquired reactions that fed an illusion of "self" and other. It works in that what was given to protect and continue life was extended to the mind and stored in the body as an unquestioned reality. A "self" that tried to claim control over that which it never could and never would be able to.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels like an extended out breath, a release of the need to claim responsibility for all that I thought I was. An opening of a clenched fist. A relinquishing of that which needed to control, weigh and comment constantly. When I started this dialogue there was a greater instability , a greater inner dialogue of what should and shouldn't be a greater resistance to what is. And now a greater sense of peace and allowance and joy. A greater connection and intimacy. And gratitude.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
As I explained in the past the question of "doubt" pushed me over. Doubting what my experience of reality was based on. Then examining and asking what were my experiences and whether they were interpretations or direct. Then the question of the "doubt" whether this was a permanent or temporary realization. And then seeing "doubt" as a thought, a need to continually protect that which didn't exist in the first place. There is healthy "doubt" and then there is the "doubt"the self has always needed to exert itself and claim dominance. A dominance that comes at a very substantial price. The price of truly being free from a life lived by concepts and belief and reactivity and unnecessary suffering.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Decisions are a gathering of intent and energies in a particular direction. A decision to commit to Yoga Nidra every morning before starting my day. A decision to take the morning walk today or not. A decison to write answers to these questions.
These decisions are not made by an "I" but flow on their own influenced by a myriad of relationships both internal and external . The same can be said of "free will", "choice" and "control". There is no specific independent entity that can or should take ownership of anything. No "I" that can have a "free will" or a "choice" or "control". Something that is conceptual in nature can only imagine itself to be the instigator of that which exists outside of conceptual understanding.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Things happen as they will happen. No idea why things happen. I can have an idea an image a thought of why things happen but they would only be representions .
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I am not responsible for anything in life. Even the desire for a deeper understanding which has led me here I can not take credit for. It is and was a longing, a sense of something not right. I could say that I am responsible for the health of my body and mind. But that too I can not take credit for. My body communicates its needs and pretty much doesn't need an I to exist. My mind makes itself known and whether I am responsive or not is the pervue of something unseen and not understood by the rational mind. Life has a way of imparting its own mysterious sense of responsibilty. A sometimes faint and at times quite vociferous pulling one back to their own inner nature. One that has no words or images to describe its existence and no need for a "me" to make itself known. Call it grace if one needs to label it I suppose.
6) Anything to add?
How can someone thank another for what they both share? Let it suffice to just know that whatever led Ankita here was also recognized by a man who at times goes by the name of Delphi.
Forever grateful and thankful for your presence in my life--Delphi
