Seeing Through Illusion

[Valli]

Dear Lubo,

Smile Valli, notice the story that claims "This controller, this part which can't letting go IS self, can you see this?

Yes, I can see this. There is a story of a controller which keeps the self appearing to be real and in a constant fight! I will try to smile and lighten up. This was becoming all too serious. :)

But is there a self at all? How something imagined can or cannot let go?

This is so strange that something which is obviously imagined seems to have so much power and control. Is this as simple as just a change in perspective? Seeing through the false story and belief? Is it that simple? I see the truth must always be here now, but it seems so hidden. When I look into my experience to see if there is a self, intense feelings of anger and fear arise in the body.

In my direct experience when I don’t believe thought and I don’t label the sensations, there is no self that I can find, there is nothing wrong, there is nothing to do.

Is there anything, right now, which is self and shouldn't be here? :)

No, it is only thought that says there is a self and that there is something wrong.

Notice the resistance against something which is here? Notice that this resistant says "This is a self which appears as this? :)

Yes, there is always a subtle resistance to what is here. Always wanting something to change, to be better. Always hoping that the future will be better than what is here now.

At the core, the belief seems to be: There is something missing and one day I will find it. There is something wrong, and somehow I will fix it. But, it’s always in the future, never now, never here. It’s never finished, never satisfied.

Laugh with me, please. Laughter helps spread this simple joke :) LoL :))))))

Ok, I’m going to laugh now! I actually just feel like crying. I can see that this is so simple, but I’m so frustrated! I feel like I am going in circles. Maybe first I’ll cry, then I’ll laugh! :)

Thank you for your patience!

With love and laughter,
Valli

[Lubo]

Hi dear Valli,
Yes, you can cry I am with you <3

Dive deeply in the darkness with sensations. The gold is there.
Stay there in the darkness and notice: What constantly moves and changes the darkness or this which appears around?
How far is you from the darkness?
Are you this which appears around?
How far is this which appears around from the darkness?

Yes, there is always a subtle resistance to what is here.

Yes, this is a layer from you, the wholeness. Notice that only thoughts point that this is separate self, is there separation at all when you see that only thoughts point separation?
Notice does resistance separate from you? From what is here? How the snow, thunderstorm is separate from the weather?
Is there anything which is no wether itself?

Love
Lubo

[Valli]

Hi Lubo,

Thank you for your kind words. <3

It’s very interesting to look deeply when there is intense emotion happening. I can see that even when there is very strong fear or anger or sadness, there actually isn’t a self that is suffering. I always thought “I” was suffering, but there isn’t anyone suffering. There is just thought, emotion, and sensation happening.

Stay there in the darkness and notice: What constantly moves and changes the darkness or this which appears around?

The darkness moves and changes like the weather. I’m not sure what you mean by “this which appears around”. There seems to be a stillness, a presence, an awareness that is everywhere and doesn’t change. But I don’t know if I’m actually directly experiencing this, or just imagining.

Are you this which appears around?

I’m not sure. What do you mean?

How far is this which appears around from the darkness?

I can’t find any border or boundary around where the sensation starts and ends.

With thanks,
Valli

[Lubo]

Hi dear Valli,
Excellent!

It’s very interesting to look deeply when there is intense emotion happening. I can see that even when there is very strong fear or anger or sadness, there actually isn’t a self that is suffering. I always thought “I” was suffering, but there isn’t anyone suffering. There is just thought, emotion, and sensation happening.

Wow, wonderful. Notice what freedom is to find this?
Notice the shame and guilt programs which say that there is something wrong, someone wrong,
The story that this appearance human Valli is guilty and broken?
But is it true?


Love
Lubo

[Valli]

Dear Lubo,

Wow, wonderful. Notice what freedom is to find this?

Yes, there is some freedom there, some space, like something is starting to drop away or loosen. It’s interesting, I see all of the same personality and conditioning coming up as usual, but now there is more space to see and experience it without identifying with it. Like it’s all happening, but not to me.

Notice the shame and guilt programs which say that there is something wrong, someone wrong,
The story that this appearance human Valli is guilty and broken?
But is it true?

This week I feel like all day and night my body and mind are telling me something is wrong or something terrible is about to happen. Like everything is on high alert. But there is also this very calm background knowing that nothing is wrong. Like a deep silent wisdom that is just holding space for all of this. It’s difficult to describe. It’s like there is a deep peace underlying everything but the body and mind don’t know it yet.

With gratitude,
Valli

[Lubo]

Hi Valli,

Yes, there is some freedom there, some space, like something is starting to drop away or loosen. It’s interesting, I see all of the same personality and conditioning coming up as usual, but now there is more space to see and experience it without identifying with it. Like it’s all happening, but not to me

Yes, this resonate a lot with me. Notice why this should be wrong?

This week I feel like all day and night my body and mind are telling me something is wrong or something terrible is about to happen. Like everything is on high alert. But there is also this very calm background knowing that nothing is wrong. Like a deep silent wisdom that is just holding space for all of this. It’s difficult to describe. It’s like there is a deep peace underlying everything but the body and mind don’t know it yet.

Wonderful, this is it :)

Now notice that you can play and enjoy this "I feel like all day and night my body and mind are telling me something is wrong or something terrible is about to happen. Like everything is on high alert" Enjoy it fully, as if you are playing an Tarantino's movie in the main role and the Oscar will be yours :). I am serious, what is coming when you allow this role to be played?

Love
Lubo

[Valli]

Hi Lubo,

Enjoy it fully, as if you are playing an Tarantino's movie in the main role and the Oscar will be yours :)

Oh gosh, I don’t know if I can handle a Tarantio movie! ;) I’d rather live in a romantic comedy! I’m sick at the moment so I’m going to try to win an Oscar for being the role of a sick person. I hope to have energy to write more tomorrow.

I am serious, what is coming when you allow this role to be played?

It feels more free, easier to just enjoy the play of life (Lila!). Openness and allowing life to be as it is.

Today it seems so strange that I thought there was such a thing as a “spiritual path”, some journey to go on to find truth. I can feel that everything is here now but maybe covered up by false belief.

Kindly,
Valli

[Lubo]

Hi dear Valli,

Yes, I agree.
Let's change the movie with Woody Allen's one?

I’m going to try to win an Oscar for being the role of a sick person.

Nice :) play it fully, enjoy the "dramatics" moment

It feels more free, easier to just enjoy the play of life (Lila!). Openness and allowing life to be as it is.

Yes, exactly, notice that the role is playing not from an actor. is there "the who" playing it? Notice that you can stop believing this dramatic thoughts-emotional ball which climes you are this imagined character?

Openness and allowing life to be as it is.

is there a character in Live?
What if the character is imagined limitation?
Notice the narrative thoughts which bring trauma, shame, guilt and deficiency stories here?
Write these thoughts to me, let's see what the scenario is, what does the character have to deal with?
Notice, are you writing it? Are you create the thoughts of the fictional character?
what happens when you stop believing that there is such a fictional character at all, and only thought-voice about it?
Notice what left, what is really here?

Love
Lubo

[Valli]

Dear Lubo,

I hope you are well! I'm feeling so frustrated. I keep looking for hours and I can see there is not a self here, but there is no shift.

Yes, exactly, notice that the role is playing not from an actor. is there "the who" playing it?

I can’t find “the who” playing the role. It just seems to happen automatically out of habit, or conditioning. As soon as I notice what is happening I stop believing the story and the character seems to dissolve and it all seems so funny.

What if the character is imagined limitation?

Yes, that’s what it feels like. The character, and all beliefs, feel like imagined limitations. I want to fully see through these imagined limitations and live a life free of them. When I remember, I can see right through them, but it is not automatic. I seem to forget.

Notice the narrative thoughts which bring trauma, shame, guilt and deficiency stories here?
Write these thoughts to me, let's see what the scenario is, what does the character have to deal with?

The narrative of the character is this: "I am not good enough. I will never be happy or peaceful or free because I haven’t done enough and I don’t deserve it. I will never experience liberation because I am not spiritual enough, haven’t meditated enough, haven’t surrendered enough, haven’t done enough good in the world, am not kind enough and I have bad karma. I will be a miserable seeker forever and I will never figure this out."

Notice, are you writing it? Are you create the thoughts of the fictional character?

I can see that this is just an innocent mistake to believe this, but sometimes the feeling of “self” is stronger than ever. I still feel like a separate individual being until I look at my direct experience again.

Are you create the thoughts of the fictional character?

No, I can’t find where the thoughts come from. But, it seems like there is somebody that believes the thoughts and they feel familiar, like me.

What happens when you stop believing that there is such a fictional character at all, and only thought-voice about it?

When I stop believing I come back to the peace of what is really happening here, in this moment. And after one second of peace, the thought-voice gets very, very loud and insists that it is me and there is a self and the character is real. I can see these are just thoughts and not my direct experience, but it doesn’t seem to change anything. I’m going in circles. I want a shift!

Notice what left, what is really here?

What is here is sensations in the body, perceptions, and thoughts that are screaming at me telling me that this is crazy and of course there is a self controlling all of this. The mind is making this seem very complicated even though I look and see it is simple.

Many thanks,
Valli

[Lubo]

Hi dear Valli,
I hear you, I am here, Valli.

I can see there is not a self here, but there is no shift.

Ok. Thats why I am here with you.

The narrative of the character is this: "I am not good enough. I will never be happy or peaceful or free because I haven’t done enough and I don’t deserve it. I will never experience liberation because I am not spiritual enough, haven’t meditated enough, haven’t surrendered enough, haven’t done enough good in the world, am not kind enough and I have bad karma. I will be a miserable seeker forever and I will never figure this out."

Look this one: thoughts point where the identification sticks. No need to fight with thoughts and no need to believe in thoughts, but just to look. I want to tell you that thoughts are just thoughts, notice is there an authority? someone wise living being which speaks trough the thoughts?
- of course not.
Thoughts are just sign where we stick and where to look.
Now I am going to show you how to do this, your job is to make it , ok?

- "I am not good enough"- notice the image and story about someone which is not good enough. Allow the story and image to appears here fully. It is important to see what is the image, what is the story...and to notice that they are absolutely innocent, just old pain/trauma, which we are carrying from a long time.
And notice that you don't need to identifying and to fight with this image and story, simply noticing what is here.
Can you do this?

- "I will never be happy or peaceful or free because I haven’t done enough" - yes, again - look the image of this poor character, which is not free, which is unworthy to be free... you don't need to fight with it , but simply noticing that this is not true, this is very old and heavy part which we are caring on and now we can droop it here.

- "I will never experience liberation because I am not spiritual enough," - notice that this is not a church or budist community and we dont' need to be spiritual, I am not spiritual at all, this is just another concept. This investigation is the end of spirituality and from all other limitations. The goal is to stop identifying with the story and limitation.
What freedom is this if we are limited?

- "haven’t meditated enough" - I hate meditation and there are plenty of people which are saw true the illusion without meditating, even Ilona, co-founder of this forum share that meditation didn't work for her.

- haven’t surrendered enough - of course! you are the freedom itself, there is no one to whom to surrender.

- "haven’t done enough good in the world" - yes, you are not here to fix the world. Your job is to do good for you. To free yourself from all limitations, from all "should" and "shouldn't", from shame and guilt.

- "I am not kind enough" - of course, anger is your power. You are not here to please anyone.

- "I have bad karma" - karma - this is what identification is with, there is no good karma, no good identification, there is no good limitation. There is no one lucky whit his identification=limitation. NO ONE!!!
That's why you are here, you are worthy for freedom, you are freedom.

- "I will be a miserable seeker forever and I will never figure this out." - Oo! This thought appears because your effort or this is precious gift from identification?
Say "Thanks" for this gift but you don't need to use it.

Notice that there is no one separate from the room and all stories are just stories.
Notice how far is you from what is?
Is there distance between What is and...what?

Much love,
Lubo

Love,
Lubo
PS. This Thursday , 5 pm GMT, there will be a free meeting hosting by me and Luchana. , if you want to take part drop me a line

[Valli]

Thank you for your wise words and for being here with me, Lubo. <3

And notice that you don't need to identifying and to fight with this image and story, simply noticing what is here.
Can you do this?

Yes, I can sit with this belief of “I am not enough” and notice what is actually here. I can see that there is so much “not enough” that I have believed my entire life - always comparing myself to others and judging myself. I see I don’t need to identify with the story, I can let it be and even welcome it. I am sitting with the uncomfortable sensations. I see the story is not true.

Notice how far is you from what is?
Is there distance between What is and...what?

I can’t find any distance between me and what is. It does seem like the sense of self distracts from, or covers up, what is here. It seems like “me” is a layer on top of what is. It is something that I added onto my direct experience, by mistake. I’m ready to let go of this illusion.

With love,
Valli

[Lubo]

Hi dear Valli,
You are more than welcome.

Yes, I can sit with this belief of “I am not enough” and notice what is actually here. I can see that there is so much “not enough” that I have believed my entire life - always comparing myself to others and judging myself

Yes! Wonderful.
This wound "I am not enough/worthy" is covered by story, which says: "Don't go there, don't look at it, escape from it, you should do this and that to become enough and worthy". But this brings suffering only
No need to run from this part in you.
Escape from the story.
Love this wounded place.
Say to it: "I love you so much. You are enough, you are worthy"
And instead judging and torcher your self with meditation notice how you want to love yourself?
What the injured part wants most?
Not how to escape from it but how its want to be loved?

Much love
Lubo

[Valli]

Dear Lubo,

Love this wounded place.
Say to it: "I love you so much. You are enough, you are worthy"
And instead judging and torcher your self with meditation notice how you want to love yourself?
What the injured part wants most?
Not how to escape from it but how its want to be loved?

Ok, thank you for this. I spent time with this wounded part, listening and giving it love and attention, like it was a small child. This opened up a lot of space and energy for deeper looking and inquiry.

I feel confused about working with strong emotions and patterns. I see that resisting them and pushing them away makes them stronger but if I give them attention will this reinforce the story and the sense of a separate self?

Today I saw deeply how thoughts and the belief in a self covers and distorts all aspects of reality and the world. I can see the prison that I have built. The mind is so busy it doesn’t even notice what is real and what is here. I want to see clearly!

With love,
Valli

[Lubo]

Hi Valli,
Thanks for the reply.

I feel confused about working with strong emotions and patterns. I see that resisting them and pushing them away makes them stronger but if I give them attention will this reinforce the story and the sense of a separate self?

Yes. no need to bypass emotions.
Notice if emotions build the true self?
Or there is identification with it, only?
They say that there is someone who needs to fight with the word, this dangerous place - check is it true?
Is there dangerous tomorrow or there is infinite potential, only?

Today I saw deeply how thoughts and the belief in a self covers and distorts all aspects of reality and the world. I can see the prison that I have built. The mind is so busy it doesn’t even notice what is real and what is here. I want to see clearly!

Wonderful. Yes! Thoughts point with what identification is
Notice the ego/person/self is just - fear, shame, guilt....what else?
But is there a real ego/person/self there? or only freedom and power?

Love
Lubo

[Valli]

Dear Lubo,

Notice if emotions build the true self?
Or there is identification with it, only?

Yes, it seems it is identification with emotions and trying to hold onto them or push them away that creates problems.

They say that there is someone who needs to fight with the word, this dangerous place - check is it true?
Is there dangerous tomorrow or there is infinite potential, only?

The mind seems to expect a dangerous tomorrow or hopes for a better tomorrow but of course there is infinite potential. Infinity feels very uncomfortable for the mind! Nothing to hold onto.

Notice the ego/person/self is just - fear, shame, guilt....what else?

It feels like the ego/person/self is also created by resistance to what is and desire for something more; and by regrets from the past and hopes for the future. It is this constant feeling that something is not quite right and so I need to keep searching and seeking for something.

But is there a real ego/person/self there? or only freedom and power?

I still experience an ego/person/self here, but I can see that it is an illusion.

Warmly,
Valli