Dear Rali
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
There is no separate entity - anywhere, in any way, shape or form.
There never was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of a separate self can be described as the thought or the group of thoughts that make it appear as though there is a unique entity inside a "body", where the body refers to ....well, demarkations that can be physical (all these organs combined are the body!) or mental (all this "past", "future", hopes, dreams combined is the body!), and the unique entity residing within has autonomy over some aspects of the body and the body's orientation while navigating the "world", where world refers to everything minus the body.
This is illusory and thought-formed. The boundaries only exist in thought, and are reinforced over and over by thoughts too. If the thoughts are believed in, (belief: just another set of thoughts triggered by one thought) then not only is a separate self born in illusion as a result, but "others" are also born. "I" vs "the others" can be a very powerful reinforcement for the illusion of the separate self.
Apparent autonomy or control can also be a pillar that upholds this illusion, where thoughts layered on top of THIS happening claim that they (or the entity "they" make up, residing inside) are responsible for the happening.
The way that language is structured can also veil reality, giving emphasis to illusory control ("I did this": subject-verb-noun, making it seem that there is a subject that is verbing on the object, dividing "THIS" to subject that is the "I" and object that is the "world").
All of this together left unquestioned kickstarts the illusion and maintains it.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels light, transparent, intimate, relieving. It makes it seem that absolutely anything can be accepted. All is acceptable... Why wouldn't it be? It isn't all "2 feet above the ground" though. Sometimes anxiety is triggered, but there is peace even underneath it. Yes, there is. Apart from that, it is pretty much ordinary.
The difference from before starting this dialogue is that everything is welcome. Anxiety, overthinking, physical pain, thoughts wishing there was no anxiety/overthinking/physical pain, desires - material and spiritual, action and inaction - anything will do, because it is all infact quite the same: a sensation, a thought, or seeing/hearing/smelling. In other words, it is all one soup: experience.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Gamechangers:
- Clearly stating what direct experience is, and strictly sticking to it. There wasn't much or any understanding of direct experience prior to this, and just understanding that caused a mini earthquake within thoughts. Many years of listening to spiritual teachers talk about how "everything is a story" never truly registered - but having direct experience defined made in sink in quite quickly.
- Pointers on control (the hand flipping exercise)....left me stunned
- Pointers pointing to the expectation of trading the small "I" for a bigger "I" ("oh maybe i am the big awareness now" - haha)
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Decision is an afterthought and only available as a concept in hindsight. In order to decide, there must be "options" to decide from. There is just THIS and everything is simply happening - only a thought can say that these were the available options from which the decision to choose this was made, but to THIS/the-happening, there was only one option, i.e. what happened.
For example, "I" decide to raise this hand. The options to the thought that claims "I" decided it would be: Option 1 - raise the hand, option 2 - do not raise the hand. But these options are an afterthought. At what point would such a decision be made? Would it be made when the thought appeared to raise the hand? (Can a thought raise the hand?). Or would it be when "I" started typing this answer, which led "me" to type this example, as a result of which the hand must be raised? Or would it be when "I" joined LU to begin with? ... This could go on. There is no line where the "decision" begins or is made. IT is all happening - and the way it plays out is the only option that there is.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Intention also only exists in thoughts, and is a more subtle way to group decision-thoughts. It can even be called the king of decision-thoughts, hehe. It is the thought that dictates the alignment of other thoughts that claim they can decide.
For example: "My" intention is to be healthy.
Thoughts contained within this group: - "i" decide to pick the healthiest food everytime, "i" decide to exercise everyday, "i" decide to quit junk, etc etc.
Or another example: "My" intention is to get this work done.
Thoughts contained within this group: -"i" decide to begin at xyz time", "i" decide to make an efficient task list, etc etc
An intention can also be described as the beginning of the thoughts that claim doership.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Free will, or "will", also suggests that there are options to choose from... And that there are preferences... And that there is a goal that the "will" is aligned to. All of this is thought content. Since there is no goal, no preference, no options, hence there is no will. Or, this can also be tackled from the other way around: Since there is no "I" or separate self, what can have the "will"?
For example: By free will, "I" decide to drink water.
All thought games, refer the answer to "decision".
There was never a choice, never an "I" and hence never a "free will". It's just THIS happening.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Hehe, there has been enough ranting on choice. In summary, there is no choice - all thought content. Thought content sees "objects" and differences between "objects" and hence it appears that there are choices. Thought also creates a choice-maker out of thin air, so its all a grand party...
For example: "I" choose pink over purple.
.....Nothing new to be said. All thought, all stories.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
Control is an illusion born out of layering of thought over what is already happening, claiming doer-ship of the happening.
Example: "I" wink.
Did "I" make the muscles in the eyelid do this? Did I "decide" to do this? When? At what point? Where is the decider? Where is the mover?
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Its all just happening. There is no making-it-happen. Its all just happening.
How does "what" work? It simply happens...
"I" don't know how or why.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Responsibility is simply action arising out of the "location" being referred to as "I" here. There is no one responsible since there is no separate self, no separate controller. This is tricky to put into words, because this isn't to say there is no responsibility: because responses do arise - there is simply no one responsible for responsibility.
For example: If an apology arises out of "me", it doesn't mean that there is an entity within the "body" that was responsible - it was all just a happening, including the event and the apology.
6) Anything to add?
:) Not really
Please accept my heartfelt thanks, Rali.
Ankita
