1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
so when I look carefully I can't find this separate self anywhere. I haven't somehow 'got rid' of it, it just isn't and wasn't ever there. things happen, but there's not a separate 'me' controlling from outside.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
the illusion of a separate self seems to me to be a way of interpreting experience. a sort of series of thoughts which cause a stepping back from actual experience and just getting caught up in the content of thoughts and imagining they are something real. So for example I can think "oh that's made me angry" but when I relax into just seeing what is there, there is just some physical sensations and a lot of fast-moving thoughts. in that moment I can see that the only thing causing discomfort is the thought itself, nothing to do with another, just believing the content of those thoughts. it's as if the illusion of a separate self adds a 'layer' of something tangled on top of just experiencing what is happening. Feelings, thoughts, the "me-ness" of things are still there as they were before, but I don't have to get caught up in these things in the same way
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
I think the biggest feeling is relief to really to see this. Before I started this dialogue I'd had moments of seeing but didn't know how to do that in a more ongoing way. The past few days I've just felt that life is more 'real' and also that it is in many ways also the same. the changes seem to be subtle, like what I am is part of things, not someone who experiences and affects things from the 'outside'. At the start of this dialogue I somehow thought that "I" would see through something and change. Now I feel that I am part of change, if that makes sense. As if before I had taken some aspects of experience and tied them up into a bundle and made them solid. What I notice now is that familiar, thoughts and behaviours still happen, but instead of getting caught up in them and drawing lots of conclusions, they feel more like billows of smoke rising from a fire which then blow away, leaving things just as they are. I don't know if this will make sense, but I feel as if the world has been trying to show itself to me but somehow I've been trampling over the top of it while thinking about something else. It's as if I've been able to stop, look around, see and hear the beauty of what is there. Another way of describing it would be to say it's as if I have been in a train travelling through beautiful countryside and I've been trying to reach out the window and grab on to branches as we go, but now I am sitting in my seat appreciating the view!
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Well looking back at the dialogue I think it was the pointer where Stacy you asked me to look at the word 'GREEN' and say what I saw. I knew intellectually what was being asked but when I actually LOOKED then so many things just fell into place. The difference between the IDEA of something and the EXPERIENCE of something.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
I'd describe decision as an interaction with the world that involve thoughts and actions moving in a particular direction, like this morning making the decision to try and finish answering these questions, just the thought coming, then following that with seeing, reading, considering, typing .....without adding to it. Not so much "me" making the decision as interacting with what is there.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
wow this is difficult to say! so it's not like I have stopped doing things or am just lying watching the sky. It's awarenessag of an interaction with the world, a directionality. Seeing how things can move in a certain direction but there's nothing added to that movement. The movement is just the movement. simple. So in a way intention is part of all that happens today, like making oatmeal for breakfast including holding the spoon, hearing the oatmeal boil, tasting the sugar, thoughts about what might taste good that were a part of that.
Describe free will & give examples from experience
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Free will is just those things above. Like moving through the world in a particular way. I could have had toast for breakfast and not oatmeal! A different thought, a different set of seeing, touching, tasting etc. It's not like there is no choice, things arise, thoughts arise, they just come and that doesn't feel like a choice, but within all that there is a directionality, a responsiveness to what happens that could be described as free will. There's a freedom not to have to get tied up with the content of the thoughts that come.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
It seems to me this is really the same as free will. Choice seems like the ability to move in a particular direction given what is in current experience (I can see I am being a bit repetitive here, I think it's because it's hard to describe it) Like this morning I could say "I chose" to put on these clothes, but what happened is there was seeing the clothes, thoughts about the clothes, touching the clothes....... just quite quickly one after another.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Things happen by themselves! There is an arising of sense experience and thoughts, a movement within that, like an unfolding of experience. No one needs to "make" it happen. It just happens, all the time, even if we try to break it into chunks and label it.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I'm responsible for believing or not believing the content of my thoughts. So this morning for example I read a text from a friend with some news that was unwelcome. I could see those fast-moving thoughts arising, opinions about my friend, about the causes of what happened, unpleasant and unwelcome. I found I was able to ask myself if those thoughts were true, related to anything real. I felt I dropped back into seeing directly what was happening in my mind and body.
6) Anything to add?
Gratitude for having someone freely give their time and knowledge to help me in this way - what a gift, Stacy. What a gift in this beautiful world.