Stepping in

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Leela,

Even though the hubby does not believe that there is a thing called awakening (and perhaps he is correct, it is not a thing!), I can still have conversations with him about a story I'm telling myself and how I'm holding it and doing my best to look at it differently. I think he admires that. So, in his own way, he supports the work I am doing. His beliefs are not perceived as an obstacle. And he does help me laugh at myself.

Ah, you are lucky to have that. Although I don't perceive my wife's attitude as an obstacle. It is clear here that everybody's interpretation of the world is unique, and as much as my own is a mystery, others' is an even bigger mystery.

Nothing to do but pray for relief from the suffering I caused myself by going there.

To want something different from THIS is folly.
By the time that you become aware of THIS, it is post-event. Sometimes milliseconds, often longer.
Vince's awakening didn't happen through the portal of seeing the illusion of an actual self. It happened with the sudden realization that seeking was always about the future and that THIS is it. An acceptance of whatever life-ing offered. A willing, inviting surrender to THIS.
surrender is not an act,
it’s a realization. It’s not something you do,
it’s something you see. You don’t do it, you stop not doing it. It happens when the trust that everything that needs to happen, will happen, and it will happen without being controlled.

Including me. When others do not live up to my expectations, I can tell myself judgmental stories about them. And a habit is to react to others' judgment of me by judging them.

...and me. It's not about not judging. To have an opinion is human. It's part of the efficiency circuit of the human brain. ..but having opinions (judgments) doesn't mean that we have to act on them. If we recognize that we are judging it will temper our behavior.
If you're waiting for perfection before appreciating the "I am awake" story, then...

My inner reaction to such a statement has been, "well, you just proved you're not."

Again, what motivates others, what goes on in their head is an unfathomable mystery. No need for an opinion about it. Some are awake in a more limited way. Some with incomplete seeing operate from an existential black hole. i imagine that one with limited seeing might be an arse.

So, do I think awakeness conveys specialness--no.

It's a generalization - the more awake someone is the more humble they are likely to be. (a personal opinion)

So, I think I can give up waiting for a shift.

Good.

There will be no shift.

Maybe. (or not) It's irrelevant. Those who have done as much work as you often don't experience an epiphany. Waking up has been happening for a long time.

I marvel at the miraculousness of how everything depends upon everything else to exist,

Discovering 1ness
It is through this portal that i discovered oneness. (Although oneness sounds a bit cliche) i saw, and maybe these words might be a light switch for you too. i know that you already know much of what I'm about to say, but bear with me..
Cause and effect is story. It is conceptual. Useful but...
Another useful concept is conditions. For the sake of satisfying mind we can say that any event requires conditions that enable it. For example, for me to be here typing these squiggles on a screen, an obvious condition is the presence of the computer. Another condition is that this organism has to have experiences that include schooling.
Going back further another condition is that my parents conceived me. ..and that they were conceived and had all of their live experiences exactly as they did to be able to have and raise me exactly as they did.
If we follow this line then we can extrapolate back to every ancestor and the conditions that enabled them to not only procreate, but to provide the conditions for their offspring to do the same.
If we go back hundreds of generations, we can even say that some of the conditions required were the food and shelter that enabled them to provide future generations with the necessary conditions.
That food required conditions to exist. Water and nutrients.
The geology and biology were some of the conditions that that water required to be available.
Even the butterfly in the Amazon is tied in with conditions necessary for me to be here doing this.
In fact there is no thing, no event, no anything since the beginning of existence (& maybe before this) this isn't a necessary condition for this happening. If you weren't there this wouldn't be the way it is.
As profound as this is, it is not saying that these conditions are part of something. It's like a hologram. The total is made up of totals. Every (apparent) part is everything. A single piece of stardust floating galaxies away, is a necessary condition for THIS.

Must all stories be declared an illusion to be free?

No, no, no. The stories aren't the illusion.
The illusion is to believe what the stories are about to be actual. ..or more accurately, when perception convinces something is actual, that upon investigation is revealed to be nothing more than mind fluff.
We respond to stories constantly. It's (almost) ironic that those stories that elicit unpleasant emotions were created in an attempt to make ourselves feel better. The God delusion is a classic example. How much suffering has it provoked?

Is a story that invites the feeling of love the same?

In many ways it is. It is a useful story though.

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Thank you, Vince. Happy change of the calendar!

seeking was always about the future and that THIS is it.

Yes. There is no evidence that the next moment is going to be better than this one, though craving or aversion make it appear as though it could be better.

Cause and effect

: Things just line up. I wanted to send my step-daughter's mother words of love on her way out, and did not know if my step-daughter would look at her email, or read it to her mom. I didn't call because she was already occupied. It just happened that Iola saw the email, and just happened to read the email to her mom, when her mom just happened to be ready to exit. A beautiful alignment. Another alignment was when a child crossed a busy street on a dark, rainy evening at a broken traffic signal and was met by a car. That alignment resulted in grief for the family of the child, the driver and his family, and the whole community, including me. I could have been the driver. Anyone could have been the driver. Things just line up the way they do, and the world changes.

Here is a story about stories.
We used to have 2 pet gooses when we lived in a rough neighborhood in Texas. The criminals tended to have mean dogs to protect themselves. We got gooses. One day I was gardening out by the street when a young woman rode up on her bike and asked if we had a tape recorder to go with our plastic geese. The question did not register, so I said, "What?" and she repeated, "do you have a tape recorder to go with your plastic geese?" I said, "They're not plastic." Whereupon, she nearly fell off her bike laughing. She said that she rode by our house every day and saw the geese not moving and thought that they were plastic geese, and one day she heard goose sounds and thought we put out a tape recording of goose sounds to go with the geese. I asked her, "Didn't you notice they were in a different spot every day?" She said she thought we were going out and moving them every day. When I tell people this story, it elicits a lot of laughter because we all know this woman, and she is us.
Love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Good morning Leela,

Happy change of the calendar!

Thank you. I'm inclined to wish you a happy every day, but that may not be what is best. i wish you all of the best..

Yes. There is no evidence that the next moment is going to be better than this one, though craving or aversion make it appear as though it could be better.

Good segue. Give me a short rant on time.
Well, I hardly know where to go with this investigation. It appears that you recognize all/most of the common delusions.
Perhaps you might relate to something anecdotal..
Ha, rather than reconstruct from memory, my awakening moment, I went to the moment in my blog when it happened, only to find a great lack of detail. This is when it happened; http://vince-wisingup.blogspot.com/2011 ... -want.html The phrase that Eric used, that has stuck with me these past 10 years is "the mosquito bite of seeking will never heal while you keep scratching it." That precipitated the epiphany that THIS IS IT!
There is no point in wanting anything to be different, as it has already happened (by the time that I am aware of it.)
What is it that you want to be different?

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Hi, Vince.

Give me a short rant on time.

I was with some friends and we were talking about our child selves, and I told them that even though I was not happy as a child, I always knew, had tremendous optimism, that when I grew up and got out of this family and this town, life would be great. And it was. A few months after that meeting, I was reading a book that recommended inner child work (and I had done some before), so I practiced holding my little self and giving her the love that was lacking when she was little. Suddenly, I KNEW that the reason the child self knew it would be alright when I grew up, was because of this inner child work I was doing at that moment! That time is not real. I treasure this memory. Time is not real, and at the same time, I still choose to be on time for work--much less chaos when I'm on time.

Your Blog! Really, Vince?!? That was it? So stunning you couldn't remember it? Mind blown.
I have a similar experience and will look at it a little closer. Please excuse the blah-blah detail.
After I gave up on enlightenment in my 20's, I did odd jobs, so I could dance. I toyed with learning Afro-Brazilian dance and went to Brazil and found a place to study, but decided it would not support me, so I decided to become a nurse. I wanted to be able to buy my own home. I also wanted a relationship with a man who was not a flaky spiritual type. I met him around the time I was starting nursing school. We used the rest of my Brazil fund to buy a house. The school was starting a special program that enabled 12 students with a bachelor's in another field so study to graduate with a master's in nursing. It was a long shot, but I got into that program and graduated. I wanted to do women's health and be a nurse practitioner, but was finished with school and did not want to go back after graduation. I also wanted to work in clinics to serve low-income people. I did that, and somehow found out about a position that had been for a nurse practitioner doing women's health, working for the school of nursing, and they were willing to accept my clinical nurse specialist credential, as the position did not require prescribing medication. So, I got to live the women's health dream. Since my 20's I had wanted to live in Western Oregon, and I was intrigued by co-housing, as it reminded me of living in spiritual communities (but without the spiritual part). We somehow decided to move to Western Oregon, and looked to see if the chosen city had co-housing -- they were building one. Even though the community had no openings, we visited to get on their waiting list and meet the people, and look for a house. While we were visiting, a family dropped out and sold us their unit. We got a beautiful, spacious 4-bedroom unit. We had to go back to Texas and sell our house and quit our jobs, and move. While there was a lot to love about our new unit, there were 2 big things I did not like: the view out of the spacious living room was of buildings and roofs, and I felt separate from nature living on the second floor. Also, co-housing can be difficult, or I can be difficult with it. I wanted to leave for years, and at one time started creating a list of all the things I wanted in a living space. It had 19 things, many of them things I enjoyed about living here in co-housing. Hubby refused to dream with me. At one point, another family wanted to move and asked me if I knew of anyone who wanted to buy a unit. I didn't, but thinking about it: I had been looking over the wildlife corridor into their beautiful backyard for years and wishing I had something like it, they also had a kitchen I had wished I had (our kitchen stunk). So I told them that I would love to live in their house. I managed to talk my hubby into it, even though we both agreed we did not like the living room. When I was throwing out stuff to prepare for the move, I found my list of things I wanted in a house: all 19 things were met by this house. Another dream I have been living: I always wanted to teach Nia, a body/mind fitness class I have been devoted to since 1996. When we moved here, I did not see any nursing jobs I wanted and ended up teaching Nia.
One dream after another has come true. I have abandoned some dreams and do not miss them. Things that didn't work out led to things that did. So, yes, I am living the life I wanted to live. Things just lined up.

What is it that you want to be different?

A place where I feel stuck has to do with relating with other people. In my 20's I felt more open. More people came into and out of my life, and it was fun. I find myself not wanting 'more people,' just more comfort with people in general. And more opportunities for laughter with people who really get me, those who help me laugh at myself. Those folks do not live in my community. There is an on-line group I enjoy studying and talking with. There is the hope that awakening can make that social discomfort dissolve. And I don't get that from talking with on-line friends. I think we are all a little weird in our own ways. It became glaringly obvious when I started working as a nurse, that there was very little to talk about with folks at work. They talked about what they watched on T.V., I didn't watch T.V. It is kind of like that now, the way that most people in my community relate, is not how I relate. Bits of what I think about come out in my classes, and maybe people get it, maybe they don't. Today I focused on lovingkindness and several people said it was beautiful, so communication happened, and that feels gratifying. I suppose I am wanting an opening that will allow me to be less annoying to others, and when I do annoy them, it does not bother me (sometimes it does not bother me). There is still identification with one who just does not fit in, and thinks it should? It seems stupid when I write it.
I have to see that it is all OK the way it is, awkwardness and all, in order for it to be OK. Right now, in this moment, it is all OK and always has been. All the suffering, and all the joy, brought me here. Here is enough. It really is enough. I have known it was enough for a long time. I say it all the time, and I mean it. Thinking walks it all back to 'not enough.' 'Not enough' is a feature of the thought stream.
love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Leela,

Time is not real, and at the same time, I still choose to be on time for work

Ok, so clock time is a useful concept, but time as anything else is also just conceptual?

Things just lined up.

Synchronicity is often associated with wakefulness.

A place where I feel stuck has to do with relating with other people.

When you consider how much of your own (something) is a mystery, it's easy to acknowledge that anybody else is actually unknowable.
If you add to this that anything that you imagine it's origins in you own experience.
Then add that humans have developed a brain that loves shortcuts. Prediction is one of them. With only a few clues we imagine a finished (something).
Put all of this together and we see another person and even if we have no history with them, we imagine that we know certain things about them.
If you can appreciate all of this, then you should be able to see that every body is a screen for your projections.
That's right, everybody is you. ..or a version of you.
Recognizing the actuality of this allows great compassion to flow.

with people who really get me,

Though I 'get' what you are saying, it is also true that when any body looks at you they are blinded by their own projections.
i know that confirmation bias is very powerful, but a harsh reality is that although you are everybody and everything, there is only you. Totally alone. This is because there is nothing that is not you.
Does any of this not resonate?

Thinking walks it all back to 'not enough.' 'Not enough' is a feature of the thought stream.

Yes.
Do this exercise: imagine that you discovered that exactly as you are, nothing different, that you are awake. That somewhere liberation snuck in and without knowing exactly when, you woke up.
What would change in your life with this discovery?

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Good morning, Vince.

you should be able to see that every body is a screen for your projections.

Yes, at least the meaning maker understands this.
Everything you have said resonates.

exercise: imagine that you discovered that exactly as you are, nothing different, that you are awake. That somewhere liberation snuck in and without knowing exactly when, you woke up.
What would change in your life with this discovery?

Nothing would change, except where I'm looking from. I would be perceiving from the expanded space, not the contracted space. From the expanded space, it would be easy to see that others are on the projector screen, and see the space between the screen and what is seeing. (With the face schmushed up against the screen, the projected objects appear larger than life and take on more credence.)
The expanded space has more of a sense of immediacy and aliveness. The contracted space can have (not always) more of a sense of urgency--like I need to do something because something is missing, or not right, or needs to be fixed. From the expanded space, nothing needs to be fixed because everything is already OK. It just is.
Thank you so much, Vince.
love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Leela,

Nothing would change, except where I'm looking from.

Yes. That would result in seeing (the same) things differently and that would result in a different response to what you perceive.
There's a saying that I heard from an awakened one. "Nothing has changed, but everything is different."
Doubts will arrive. They always do. They are just thoughts. We have been conditioned by pop zen to believe that only special people can be liberated, but that's not so. Everybody is unique and every awakening is unique and (almost) every body that awakens was once a conditioned human. After awakening, they are still conditioned, but now it is seen and responding is different.
Ok, let's knock of what might or might not remain of the sleepwalker.
Look hard and tell me what you identify with?

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Good morning, Vince.
Thank you for your patience.
Yesterday, I awoke too early, so as I lay in bed, I kept reminding myself that 'this moment is it. There is no evidence that any other moment will be any better. Telling myself that and resting in it are two different things, though. Before going to class in the evening, I had difficulty finding a lesson I wanted to teach. Then I got there and had difficulty breathing (I find teaching a fitness class in a mask challenging), and I didn't feel very energetic in class. Afterwards, I discovered that I did not use the albuterol inhaler I use to make teaching in a mask a little less challenging. All this to say: when I'm operating on suboptimal sleep or low energy, I can identify with a lot of crap. The 'not good enough' story can take over, and there is a sense of helplessness to get back on track.

Look hard and tell me what you identify with?

As noted above, what I identify with varies from day to day, minute to minute. With adequate rest, there is less to identify with. Identification feels like contraction, in the heart, in a stubbornly held thought, in the body. The body will know before the mind gets it, that a contraction has occurred. If I am doing mental work, then there is a tendency to override the sensations of the body. Today I did a short forgiveness meditation. Anything unforgiven resides in the body/mind as a contraction, an Identification. There was a "me" to be hurt, or to hurt someone else (a not me). (Finding this curiously funny.) There is still an identification as one who teaches this particular class, along with judgment about how I did yesterday or another day, it is much more lightly held than before. (I can say that today, because I had a good day, but yesterday evening when I could not catch my breath, there was more identification.) Even though there is a history of being nurse, it doesn't feel like an identification, any more. However, being a mistreated employee has been a place to feel identification -- that was mostly as a nurse, seems lighter. (At the start of the pandemic, I identified with, and felt sad for, all the over-worked nurses who could not get a break.) Being a partner to my spouse, as there is a commitment, a doing, and there is shifting how I hold my attention on the relationship. Being a member of my intentional community is a shifting identification, it has been much stronger than it is now. It is interesting how having "unmet expectations" and the subsequent frustration can precipitate a loosening of an identity. I remember that happening when I got a "B" in school and had to let go of being someone who only makes 'A's"--there was pain and suffering around it, and ultimately, I was happy to let go of that one. I still took joy in doing the best job I could do, I loved being a student, and can't say I feel an identity there now. Being someone of a "particular left-leaning political persuasion" used to be a strong identity, and it seems to have less importance, there is less of a feeling that "I can do anything" that matters to change the way the world appears to be heading. (But I will still vote.) I used to invest time and energy trying to make a difference. I have withdrawn from doing things like that. I hear and sometimes listen to the news, hubby has the radio on in the mornings. I also look at stories or headlines on line sometimes. I monitor my reactions.

I think the biggest charge of all of the above would be anything unforgiven. "I" have been hurt. "I" have hurt someone else, "not me." "I" must protect myself, so that hurt will not happen again. There is also a sense that everything had to happen the way it did. That nobody had a choice. (In any situation, if I closely examine it.)

The meditation intensive started, however, it is not a huge commitment, a short meditation and a contemplation. I find it helpful, an augmentation of this work. That is where the forgiveness meditation came from. Is it Ok with you to continue working?
love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Leela,

Thank you for your patience.

When not rushing to a conclusion, there is no patience necessary. ..but thank you for the sentiment. It suggests that you are impatient. No need for it on my behalf. i am happy and honored to be talking with you. ..and I get 'deepening' from our interaction. It's not one way.

There is no evidence that any other moment will be any better.

I like this, although it is a logical conclusion.

better. Telling myself that and resting in it are two different things, though.

Yes, they are. When the thought arises here that THIS IS IT, it shifts me physically. There is a softening, a yielding and a welcoming surrender to what has arisen. To what consideration tells me is already in the past.
The times when this happens is when recognition that I have been sucked into a story occurs. Something has triggered a story that provoked unpleasant emotions (suffering)

when I'm operating on suboptimal sleep or low energy, I can identify with a lot of crap.

Yes, I get this. It's valuable to appreciate that no matter how long after this happens, if there is recognition of getting lost in a story, then brain rewiring happens.
You are eloquent in your description of the identification that happens. Do you see this happening when it occurs or afterward?
What is your response when you do see it happening (or has happened)?
Do you forgive yourself for identifying?

Is it Ok with you to continue working?

Yes, of course. Just do bring anything that comes up here.

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Good morning, Vince.
~Gratitude~

Do you see this happening when it occurs or afterward?

I didn't' know how to answer this because It can be seen relatively early (driver with road rage swerves by speeding) when I identify the adrenaline (should I use epinephrine? I think adrenaline is a U.S. term), understand that it can't be helped, and I just have to live with it until it calms down. And it always does. I can easily forgive myself there. (Besides, it's that guys fault!)
Then, I have a brewing conflict over allowing cats to wander off-leash in the wildlife corridor. I think it is a bad idea because so many nests are killed by cats - in my experience, I have witnessed the fights. So, I'm aware that I'm aroused and feeling right, and thinking others are wrong, and defending my (unpopular) position. I'm aware that I'm in the story, and doing it, anyway. I'm doing it right now. Planning what to say at the meeting. Toggling back and forth in my mind from those thoughts to here. The tendency is to see the defensive, angry thoughts as obstacles, the holding a position as an obstacle, and I understand that the obstacles are the path. At least, I have read this many times. (Hubby just distracted me by talking about something, and I find the intensity of the story has now lightened up.) Rolling off into other entertaining thoughts.
Later...
The pet policy that people want to change from protecting birds to giving cats more freedom is still up for me, but not overwhelmingly so. I'm still going to state my opinion on this, because no one else is speaking up for birds. Wondering if I'm moving towards what I call 'facilitation brain'--when I was on the facilitation team, I was able to shut down the part that gets triggered with the story that I'm here for the whole group, not for my own issues. I'm advocating for birds and for our stated values as a community, not Leela. Ok, not facilitation brain. Just less or no Leela. I do seem to have the capacity to shut down the trigger machine when I'm holding the space for others. Interesting.

So, the timing of noticing is all over the place. I can forgive myself for getting triggered.
love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Leela,

when I'm holding the space for others

I imagine that the cat people have convinced themselves that they are holding the space for the cats.
You won't sway them with facts or statistics. They are actually defending their selves and will go to war to do so.
You must focus on getting them to feel heard.
Then evoke compassion for the birds at the same time not making the cats the enemy. Nature does what nature does. Even genocide when numbers are conducive.
A cat curfew might be the best you can hope for. It would be significant.

Besides, it's that guy's fault!)

That guy is you.

I can forgive myself for getting triggered.

This is good, but it leads us into the area of blame. (that guy's fault) and blame implies control. Choice.
There is actually nothing to forgive. We can create a story about how it arose, but that isn't helpful. Well, maybe it is (a little) killing birds comes naturally to cats. Blaming come natural to humans. The difference is that with the cats it's all DNA. With people, it's learned. Conditioning. It's impossible to train cats to not kill, but it's very possible to re-condition humans.
The first step is to recognize that the triggered thought stream is creating a story that leads to suffering.
The second step is to recognize when we are triggered. Now, what has triggered us and what the trigger is about is irrelevant.
The entire focus is on the fact that we recognized (that we were triggered)
The recognition will short circuit the plunge into purgatory. ..but even that isn't relevant. Just focus on the fact that recognition happened.
Blame is a story. It is a concept that points to specific feelings and an attempt to end them by shifting focus onto something external.

So, the timing of noticing is all over the place.

It doesn't matter if the noticing happens quickly or some time post event. When it happens it is to be celebrated, and a great celebration is a softening of the body (just like happens with forgiveness) and a smile or laugh. This acknowledgment is the start of re-wiring the brain. Re-conditioning responses.

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Good Morning, Vince!
Sorry for the confusion:

(Besides, it's that guy's fault!)

was intended to be a joke. I'm not good with emoji type stuff. One of those things I would be laughing about with a dear friend.

The meeting about listening to feelings happened months ago, and the cat people received lots of empathy. They also wrote the new policy. I felt too bad after that meeting to want to participate. It left me with the feeling that I have no control, and in this case, my feelings do not count. It led to a big withdrawal from community for me, a withdrawal from teams I served on. A withdrawal from every type of activism. I quit signing petitions and showing up for rallys that gave me a sense of contribution the previous year. There is an acknowledgement that nothing matters, but someone needs to speak for the birds. I notice their nests more than anyone else, and notice the raiding of nests. (The other person who has tried to speak for birds in the past is feeling too beat up to continue.) So, I have no hope of persuading anyone, I just want it in the written record that we were heading in a more environmentally just (for wildlife) and sustainable direction, and made a U-turn. Future generations will see that someone made an effort.
So what is there is preference. Strong preference, as I see lots of birds outside my window and love them.
Similar to what you said, pets, like children, are an extension of our own egos, which is why this process has been so fraught. (And I would like to acknowledge that.) When a child does something contrary to the parental values, the parent typically says, "MY child would NEVER do THAT!", when it is the job of the child to experiment with values and see what is true for them. Pets are amoral, they do not share our values, but we react the same way when someone questions our pets behavior. Cats are genetically programmed killers. They don't stop being what they are because they belong to you. Being a responsible pet owner means being the adult in the relationship and setting boundaries. The purpose of the policy should be to set boundaries for those of us who have none.
I might be kidding myself, but I don't think I have an ego in this, anymore. Whatever the community decides is what I will accept, they will side with cats. I will have to wait to be triggered to find out how invested I am.

There is actually nothing to forgive.

So, there is a story that I should not be triggered, when I have no control over triggers. I can forgive myself for thinking I should be over that by now, also for my behavior when triggered, and treat myself with gentleness. Triggers will happen until they don't.
Love,
Leela
And stalk triggers.

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Leela,

was intended to be a joke.

Ha, I missed that. Surprise did arise when I read that (& took it seriously)

Triggers will happen until they don't.

Yes, yes. ..and I wonder if they ever completely stop. We don't stop being human. We can anticipate being more adaptive when they happen.

And stalk triggers.

I don't understand this.
Back to the identification thing. How does identifying work? What happens physically when it is active? What is the nature of the stories?

vince

[Birdie]

Good Morning, Vince!
Stalking triggers: be on the lookout for them. Sometimes, if it is just mild irritation, I notice the irritation but do not acknowledge to myself that I have been triggered. I downplay or override it mentally, instead of really looking at it. I think most negative judgments contain a trigger: "I don't like him," would have a trigger; "he looks ill," would not have a trigger.

How does identifying work? What happens physically when it is active? What is the nature of the stories?

Identifying: there is a perceived separate 'me' to have a reaction to something(s) that also appear to be separate. Everything I see is 'not me.' The sense of separation is strong, leading to longing for something to fill the hole. Things should be different than the way they are.
Physically: tightness, holding, sharp edges, contraction around the heart--front and back of the heart, there could be identification with pain in the body. Energy level could be low, or hyperactive, or hyperalert for things that further augment the sense of separation.
Stories: This person is uncomfortable around me/this one hates being around me. I am different, and the difference is not OK. Something is wrong, or not right. Something should be different. If only_____, then life would be better.

As I wrote all of the above, my energy was getting lower, and lower, and lower.
Love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Leela,

do not acknowledge to myself that I have been triggered. I downplay or override it mentally, instead of really looking at it.

Ok, got it. Thoughts arise that we are putting too much emphasis on the triggering. That's going to happen. It's human nature. What gets triggered. Stories. So what we are really looking for here is the recognition that we have been sucked into the content of a story that creates suffering. If we experience unpleasant emotions, then we can be sure that it has happened. On a side note, pleasant emotions result from the same thing, but we usually don't want to avoid them. We do have to be careful that the pleasant emotions aren't feeding identification though.
We're not trying to be perfect here. To be awake is just a way of appreciating life better. Being liberated means being free of automatically expressing conditioning. Being awake is recognizing the delusion that were conditioned into us from birth. Experiencing them as illusions.

Identifying: there is a perceived separate 'me' to have a reaction to something

Living in a society where we interact with most who aren't (yet) awake means that we have to behave AS IF there is a self. We use language that is rife with identifying words and phrases. Is it identification if on reflection it is seen that the appearance or even the initial perception is illusory?
It the body contracts with an interaction and we are expressing identification, then later we recognize that we had regressed to a sleepwalker state, does it mean that we have gone back to sleep? Do these moments get less frequent and less severe. The answer is yes from experiencing here.
Are you looking for some kind of perfection before you admit that you are awake (and reap the benefits of living from that perspective?

with love

vince