The Gate

Hi Reza,

Yes, can't hardly wait!
I don't want to lose momentum, I still have intens willfulness,
Determined very hard to unleash the liberation, realizing 'this'

Great!

Yet, it was felt so paradoxical that we still using the dual language and dualistic approach, ie. By doing some efforts in the inquiry.

We still need to communicate, nothing wrong with that.

You're right, I need a day or two to do your suggestion,
Maybe if I'm feeling better and could go outside again, I'll do the inquiry while walking and sitting, observing all the appearances.

All right.
When you do this - let me know how it goes.

In the mean time, I hope the resistance shall calm down,
And I'm adjusting the expectation by looking more deeply,
Also the hidden fear and distractions to do other menial stuff.

Slowly and curiously inquire. Nothing to fear. There is no one. Already.

Much love,
Luchana

Hi Luchana,

Quick updates,
I still need more time,
A day or two to do the exercise.

The resistance is rising much more,
More boredom and laziness intensifies.
And the drama in the life of Reza escalated.

I have feud with my manager and he will kick me out from the department, I didn't go to work for three days (off course with doctor's approval because of my high blood hypertension illness)

And more conflicts at home with my mother in law and my wife,

I can't control the anger and the writings on my replies
When they wrote to me via a messaging application.
I don't have the careful considerations with my words.

But the good new is; if any,
I become more aware that there's no controller,
Like there is no one controller just witnessing all of this happens,
All the words when I was typing and talking, are out of control!

Hahaha 🤪

My attention is now more diffused not narrow or carried away by train of thoughts, also I could be more immersed with sensations.

I haven't go to the park, the nearest park is so far away from here.
Nevertheless I took a ride with my motorcycle a couple days ago.
And when my attention carried away with the stories in my mind,
I can bring my focus back to the present moment because when driving it's important to see what's in front of me.. The road, etc.

So, I'm noticing the view is broaden, seeing the lane and other vehicles, trees and building and all other things on the road side,
And the space around me, the blue sky with white cloud, sunshine
Hearing all kind of voices, traffic sounds, busses' honks, winds..
Feeling when buttocks in the seat, hands holding handlebars, etc.

All these sensations felt really real,
And the dramas of my life is just stories,
So all the worries of the future events aren't real.
I just so immersed with the reality in the road with my bike.
Somehow the thoughts subsided or the volume is lower, silent.

Yesterday, I also experienced a glimpse of a quiet mind (a mind is just a bunch of thoughts) when playing with my daughter..
The emotional pain, and physical (headache) is dissolved,
And stories about Reza's suffering is not so hurtful again.

And yet, these are all just experiences, they're not permanent.
The states are coming and going, and now they're just memories.

But I thought I should mention these to you,
Maybe can be helpful for your guidance.
Please wait and be patient with me,
I don't want to fail in this seeking.
Because it's the most important.
I'm so ready to give up my life;
In order to see the TRUTH!

Thank you so much for your kindness,
With love; Reza

Hi Luchana,

I'm back!
The exercise:
A Walk Somewhere in Nature:

So this morning I walked for a while, then sat somewhere and looked around. Was seeing the building, trees, bushes, flowers, insects, birds, people's chatters, children's playing, cars, busses, bicycles, and felt all the sensations in the body, cold air, also noticing many thoughts including the thought of me, looking and observing- all this is just one happening without any line of separation. Looked at what is present and the thoughts also kept on popping:

Can the character chooses what to feel, what to think, whether go for a walk or not?

No, this character, Reza, had not walked outside for a while, felt resistance, and then just went for a walk today, the feelings and thoughts weren't created by this character, not walking and walk just happened without a separate independent chooser/decider.

Does the character choose this story?

No, the story just unraveling with arising sensations & thoughts.

Can it chooses another story, a different one, instead of what already is?

The thought thought of changing the story, but a thought cannot do anything other than unreal contents such as commenting, fantasizing, giving name/labeling experience of what already is.

Can the story of Reza be seen as what it is - just a story, including Reza?

Yes, the story of Reza can be seen as a collection of thoughts, memories and imaginations, in reality: sensations get noticed, including anxiety and many other emotions as stories of bodily sensations, interpretations projected by the mind (also thoughts)

...

So, there you go. I've done the exercise and it's good to go outside. I just realized when I'm alone in my bed, so many thoughts get noticed, feeling many negative emotions, but when I go outside there are so many sensations, new visual inputs (imagery, colors, forms, shapes, etc.), sounds and voices, temperature, so the thoughts aren't much focused.

This open-focused awareness and immersive sensations to the environment felt relaxing and more light, contractions subsided.

Thank you Luchana,
Much Love, Reza.

Hi Reza,

sorry for the delay...trust all is well.

Form the first message:

But the good new is; if any,
I become more aware that there's no controller,
Like there is no one controller just witnessing all of this happens,
All the words when I was typing and talking, are out of control!

Hahaha 🤪

Exactly!
But to be just aware is a nice concept, nothing more.

Look for a controller, is there someone or something which has a control?
Where precisly?
How the seeming controller showing up at experience?
As an image? A sound? Or as an imagination?
Is there a REAL controller out of the thought about a controller?

If there is no controller whatsoever
what make things happen then?

I can't control the anger and the writings on my replies
When they wrote to me via a messaging application.
I don't have the careful considerations with my words.

Yes, it's familiar... Saying that there is no one in control doesn't mean that reactions and interactions will dropped.
We are humans..these emotions, reactions etc. are part of the humannes. Freedom is not FROM, but WITH.

Much love,
Luchana

Hi Luchana,
Delay no problem,
Keep looking and practicing here.

Look for a controller, is there someone or something which has a control?

There’s no real controller just a story about controlling.

Where precisely?

Control seemingly happening but there’s no one in control,
No separate self which has volition and will to control anything.

How the seeming controller showing up at experience?

In a story after seemingly the chosen act happened, so it’s only an after thought. Thinking and labeling as a concept of control.

As an image? A sound? Or as an imagination?

An imagination only, a thought-story felt so real but imagined.

Is there a REAL controller out of the thought about a controller?

No, life just happens. Maybe The God as a controller of all these happenings but it’s only a belief or a story in a thought too. Not in reality like when looking, hearing, feeling, tasting, & smelling.

If there is no controller whatsoever
what make things happen then?

I don’t know, that’s the mystery of life, but there’s no one self has to know the truth or to seek the meaning of things happened.


Without labelling from thoughts or concepts from thinking, just seeing, hearing, feeling the sensations, there’s no one separate from the other, all the sensations is one life, living, without a need for a controller because everything’s flowing as one sense.


Thanks Luchana,
With Love, Reza

Hi Luchana,
There’s something I want to add:

We are humans..these emotions, reactions etc. are part of the humannes. Freedom is not FROM, but WITH.

Yes, I’m expecting freedom with all these humans’ emotions and reactions, total acceptance of what is and not easily triggered.

So I find another hidden expectation: I want to change, a change of personality like from dramatic-talkative to be more quiet.

But; if there’s no me, then who is it that wants to change?

And still, I’m here in this forum and following a process (which to be guided), so what am I doing here if I don’t want something to change as a result? There you go, another paradoxical of one self.

I need to LOOK more to this sense of self and the expectation!

Thank you again Luchana,
With so much Love, Reza.

What is I that can LOOK what Reza saw in front of his eyes?
I also can hear reza's voice, when he speaks and in his thoughts,
All other sensations too; I experience them but I'm not this Reza?

Reza's life's crumbling, fought with his wife at home and his boss at the office, all the dramas and emotions, I can felt his feelings and all the sufferings with his thoughts; see all the fears and expectations, but these just a story, so Reza is not real.

There's no Reza, who is he, R-E-Z-A are only words, meaningless forms, the body and mind are concepts, label to intangible things.

And me? Thought I'm just a witness but there's nothing here to witness there, in reality only noticing sensations and thoughts.

Without thoughts, there is no "I", "me", "mine" or "Reza" and yet nothing controlled the thoughts just existing and disappearing in the awareness, this awareness is also a thought, then.. Who am I?

Hi Reza,

you did a very good looking with the exercise.

Can it chooses another story, a different one, instead of what already is?

The thought thought of changing the story, but a thought cannot do anything other than unreal contents such as commenting, fantasizing, giving name/labeling experience of what already is.

Yes, a thought can't choose AHYTHING.
Can you cleary see this?

Is there a REAL controller out of the thought about a controller?

No, life just happens. Maybe The God as a controller of all these happenings but it’s only a belief or a story in a thought too. Not in reality like when looking, hearing, feeling, tasting, & smelling.

:-) This sweet idea that someone or something has to have this power to contorl is so stunning :-)
Is it possible that no one controls anything?
No God, no driver, no director.
NOTHING controlling anything.

But let's examine in now.
Stop writting, stand up and walk. Few steps are enough. Do it literally.
Just stand up and start walking. Аt every step investigate:

What mooves the legs?

Is there a controller that controls walking, or is there just walking?

We are humans..these emotions, reactions etc. are part of the humannes. Freedom is not FROM, but WITH.

Yes, I’m expecting freedom with all these humans’ emotions and reactions, total acceptance of what is and not easily triggered.

So I find another hidden expectation: I want to change, a change of personality like from dramatic-talkative to be more quiet.

It is good that you can see this expectation. It may be a change but no one can say when or how big or suttle will be. For some the feelings and emotions are bigger and the responds and reactions are stronger. No one can say in advance how it will be...no one knows. And the personality stays almost intact. When some triggers happen it is not because the self is back. There never was a self to begin with. But because some conditioning is on its play. Whole life conditioning wount dissappear with a majic stik...
Freedom is seeing all this phenomena flowing feeling with nothing to stick to.


Thank you so much for your willigness to continue. Keep looking no matter what.

Much love
Luchana

Hai Luchana,
It's me the one who must say thank you for your kindness..

Yes, a thought can't choose ANYTHING.
Can you cleary see this?

Yes, I can clearly see that now a thought cannot do anything,
Thoughts only could appearing and vanishing without control.

Is it possible that no one controls anything?

Yes, it's not just possible but it's happening now; one life~all the phenomena are just flowing without any separate controller.

What moves the legs?

Nobody, I see the legs just moves by it self. Even there's no movement in looking, only changing & dancing colors and lines, like a movie screen but more sharp, 3D, and immersive view.

Is there a controller that controls walking, or is there just walking?

Just walking happened and then the story of a self which exists only in thoughts, imagined a sense of controller, but it's not real.

...

In the last days, the feelings and emotions are bigger and the responds and reactions are stronger.

More dramas and sufferings in the life of Reza, felt unbearable..

Then it hits me:

Is it "me" who can SEE what Reza sees before his eyes?
And this "I" can hears anything whom Reza has heard too.
All the other sensory sensations too are experienced but,

This "I" is not Reza!

I can feel Reza's feelings and all that suffering is in his mind only;
Seeing all his fears and hopes, hearing his thoughts resemble his voice when heard in reality. That's it! Reza is but just a story made up in the mind (in my language mind = thought, is the same thing)

Reza isn't real. Just like a character in a novel/fiction book.

There's no Reza, who is he; R-E-Z-A are just letters, a word of a meaningless forms, a body and a mind which are concepts,
Reza and his self is only labels on intangibles and things.

And I? At first I thought I was just a witness of all this sensations.

But there was nothing HERE to WITNESS anything THERE at all,
In fact there was only attention to sensations (and also; thoughts)

Without thoughts, there is no "I", "me", "mine" or "Reza"

But thoughts just uncontrollable, arising and disappearing in the awareness, which this awareness is also a thought, then ..

Who am I? I only exists in a thought. Clearly seen, no doubt!

I can LOOK again and again if I have to, to see this "I" thought.
Like now I'm looking my self as a thought, nothing in reality.
Paradox? Nevertheless NOTICING just happening,

THERE IS NO "I"

With Love,
Reza Wahyu

Hi Reza,

Yes, a thought can't choose ANYTHING.
Can you cleary see this?

Yes, I can clearly see that now a thought cannot do anything,
Thoughts only could appearing and vanishing without control.

Is it possible that no one controls anything?

Yes, it's not just possible but it's happening now; one life~all the phenomena are just flowing without any separate controller.

You did a very good looking.

Yes, it's not just possible but it's happening now; one life~all the phenomena are just flowing without any separate controller.

Lovely :-)

What moves the legs?

Nobody, I see the legs just moves by it self. Even there's no movement in looking, only changing & dancing colors and lines, like a movie screen but more sharp, 3D, and immersive view.

Is there a controller that controls walking, or is there just walking?

Just walking happened and then the story of a self which exists only in thoughts, imagined a sense of controller, but it's not real.

yes, the controller is always late for a party :-)

Is it "me" who can SEE what Reza sees before his eyes?
And this "I" can hears anything whom Reza has heard too.
All the other sensory sensations too are experienced but,

This "I" is not Reza!

Let's check something here.

Is there anything else in 'seeing' other than 'what can be seen'?
Can what is witnessing 'what can be seen' be found?
Can a pair of eyes, an 'I' / 'me', a Reza be found that is witnessing 'what can be seen'?
Or is there just simply 'what can be seen'?
Can an INHERENT SEE-ER be found?

Reza isn't real. Just like a character in a novel/fiction book.

Does a character responsable for a novel"
Does Batman responsable for a movie "Batman"?
Can Batman choose intentionally to play any other character instead what has already been played?
Darth Vaderr for example?

There's no Reza, who is he; R-E-Z-A are just letters, a word of a meaningless forms, a body and a mind which are concepts,
Reza and his self is only labels on intangibles and things.

And I? At first I thought I was just a witness of all this sensations.

But there was nothing HERE to WITNESS anything THERE at all,
In fact there was only attention to sensations (and also; thoughts)

Without thoughts, there is no "I", "me", "mine" or "Reza"

But thoughts just uncontrollable, arising and disappearing in the awareness, which this awareness is also a thought, then ..

Let's have some fun with the the notion of witnessing and awarenees :-)

Can you actually experience awareness?
Can you even find awareness?
Or you can only THINK of it, and IMAGINE it?
Is there an independent awareness/witnessing waiting in the background for things to appear in?
Is there an awareness which is something special, apart from the five senses?
Is awareness something independent of and prior to sense perception?
What is awareness, when you don't think about what awareness is?

Who am I? I only exists in a thought. Clearly seen, no doubt!

I can LOOK again and again if I have to, to see this "I" thought.
Like now I'm looking my self as a thought, nothing in reality.
Paradox? Nevertheless NOTICING just happening,

THERE IS NO "I"

I am smiling.
Whas there ever?


Much love
Luchana

Hello Luchana,

I see that this witnessing is another concept of identification but the purpose is to dis-identified with Reza's identity, be peaceful.

In order to be able to look at the Reza's life as a story like a movie (the witness = the movie watcher) and not to stick/to be dragged in the content of the story and forget that Reza is a fictious 'me'.

But this is only half-way to realized of the no-self, maybe it's the gateless gate, oh another concept, these are all only thoughts!

Let's get back to answering the pointers with direct experience:

Is there anything else in 'seeing' other than 'what can be seen'?

Only SEEING happens, the SEE-ER is not found in looking the actual experience.
And even all 'what can be seen' cannot be known as real objects because all of the SEEN are in the thoughts' interpretations.

Can what is witnessing 'what can be seen' be found?

Witnessing is only another word for experiencing, noticing the arisings, awareness of what happened in the flow of attention.

But there's no witness HERE to witnessing what can be seen THERE, so nothing can be found it's just a concept, a thought.

Can a pair of eyes, an 'I' / 'me', a Reza be found that is witnessing 'what can be seen'?

No, there's nothing outside the seeing can be experienced except thoughts which arising with the content of a concept as me/Reza, an 'I' or a pair of eyes, but these all can not be seen in reality.

Or is there just simply 'what can be seen'?

Simply seeing, experiencing colors and shapes/forms.

Can an INHERENT SEE-ER be found?

No, it can't be found when looking in actual experiences.

Does a character responsible for a novel?

No, a character is only a part of what's written in the novel.

Does Batman responsible for a movie "Batman"?

No, the Batman is not a real entity who have volition & free-will.

Can Batman choose intentionally to play any other character instead what has already been played?
Darth Vaderr for example?

No, the Batman as a fictious character cannot choose he's just a part of the story not independent or can be out of the play/movie.

Can you actually experience awareness?

Awareness is the experience, the language limits the reality.
Awareness means the noticing happens, just another word.

Can you even find awareness?

No, I can't find awareness as sensations, it's only a concept.

Or you can only THINK of it, and IMAGINE it?

Yes, awareness is a concept, an idea that existed in a thought.
And imagination by thinking not looking so thoroughly.

Is there an independent awareness/witnessing waiting in the background for things to appear in?

No. And also there's no background can be seen in looking.

Is there an awareness which is something special, apart from the five senses?

No, awareness just a word to describe what's happening: seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling, and also noticing the thoughts.

Is awareness something independent of and prior to sense perception?

No, the something that independent or prior to sense perception is cannot be seen in the direct looking of the actual experiences.

What is awareness, when you don't think about what awareness is?

Nothing. Awareness is just a thought (the content of it as a concept, idea, word). If I don't think about it, there's none.

Was there ever?

There was never existed an 'I' but only in some thoughts,
And thoughts are random and uncontrollable, so there's no a permanent self because thoughts are impermanent and not real.

I'll keep on LOOKING again and again!
Thank you so much, Luchana.

With love,
Reza

Hi Reza,

you did an excellent looking!

Let's see this one:

Awareness is the experience, the language limits the reality.
Awareness means the noticing happens, just another word.

Is there an experience of whatever is happening and the knowing of it?
Or there is whatever is happening and ALREADY the knowing of it?
Are there two things here?

There was never existed an 'I' but only in some thoughts,
And thoughts are random and uncontrollable, so there's no a permanent self because thoughts are impermanent and not real.

Yes, notice next few days during the normal daily life in various situations how thoughts pop up and name all sort of things.
But Is this true?
Is there a REAL entity or there is just life flowing freely like it has always been?


Also take a look at this video. You can watch it couple of times. It's beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJQcD588g2w&t=28s

Let me know how it goes.

Much love
Luchana

Hello Luchana!

Let's see, shall we?

Is there an experience of whatever is happening and the knowing of it?

I see, the experiences of whatever is happening is just is.
The knowing is a label from a thought, like when experiencing a sensations than a thought appears with a content: knowing now.

Or there is whatever is happening and ALREADY the knowing of it?

Yes, whatever sensation is arising, the knowing is already happening too, they're one.

Are there two things here?

No, only one knowing or noticing or aware-ing or attention-ING; they're words, label from thoughts.
The reality is just one, even the word/label 'oneness' doesn't convey the experiences of 'this' all the sensations are 'life-ing'

Yes, notice next few days during the normal daily life in various situations how thoughts pop up and name all sort of things. But Is this true?

OK, I need a couple days but I see this automatic labeling machine but the names labeled in the thoughts aren't the truth.
Because they're all thoughts, and thoughts are just tools.
The content of thoughts aren't the reality, the experiences happening from all other five sensations are more... Lively!
The attention is wider nowadays, not focused only to thoughts.

Is there a REAL entity or there is just life flowing freely like it has always been?

There is never a real entity, just life flowing without any agent of control, but has it always been?
I can't directly experience the past, the present, the future, so I don't know if it has always been like this.
This happening of seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling, noticing of thoughts' arising, all of the sensations is just this; LIFE

I have watched the video, and will watch again because so many words and concepts there, they are pointers nonetheless. Thanks!

Thank you so much Luchana,
With Love, Reza

H Reza,

you did another very good looking.

OK, I need a couple days but I see this automatic labeling machine but the names labeled in the thoughts aren't the truth.

Exactly. And notice - thought is coming almost immediately after the experience.
Sure, take your time.
What I can sugget is a simple exercise which may be helpful to deepen this observation.

You need 10-15 minutes, a pen & paper.

First write what you are experiencing right now using words I and me. Get right to the point, no past or future fantasy, just plain description of here now.

Like this-
I am laying in bed. I am hearing the rain, I am typing these words..

Do it for 10 minutes. Watch the body, are there any sensations of tightening or relaxing?

Then for next 10 minutes write without words I and me. Just describe the experience as it is happening using verbs:
Waiting for next thought, typing, breathing, blinking, hearing the rain.

Again watch what is happening in the body.

Now compare the two ways to label experience- is one truer than the other?
If so, which one?
What is here without labels?
Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?



Much love
Luchana

Hai Luchana,

Let's see..

Watch the body, are there any sensations of tightening or relaxing?

Tightening like when overthinking, too much thoughts happened.
The attention is narrow-focused awareness,
There are some sensations felt too.

Now compare the two ways to label experience- is one truer than the other?

The description with words 'I' and 'me':
-More thoughts arising not just labeling:
It's 's not just thinking and naming the sound of a 'fan' but also another thought of a sense of a self here,
-Feeling sensations in front like in the forehead and chest area.
-Felt like when lying to someone or overthinking a concept,
-Too much thoughts arising, more 'weighty' and personal.

The description without the 'I word:
-Felt more truer, lighter, and not too much thinking or language overuse, just describing the moment happening, not personal.
-Noticing the surrounding and inputs from five senses are widen.
-Like no center or imagined ego, just what 'is', feeling more real.

If so, which one?

The one without using the word: 'I' was felt more real: truer.

What is here without labels?

All the sensations, feeling as one experience; Here is 'this'

Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?

No, labels are just thoughts describing the reality.
Just like an added commentator on what's happening,
All the sensations like seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, tasting;
They are all experienced without the need for labels/descriptions.

Thank you Luchana,
With Love, Reza.