Dakini seeker

[StaffordJR]

(“”for me there's no control Lol !!! It's was seen through by seeing how the senses absolutely run on their own !?! /?!?“”)
I understand this, from watching my lack of control over spontaneous thoughts, so maybe need to keep looking here too.
I had another early hours of the morning experience, apparently with a merging of my awareness / observer mind with the I mind. It felt like an integration transformation because I didn’t force myself into it and the mind felt very spacious and quiet / happy. But I woke up later as normal!
Today again the sense of I is an underlying feeling that is difficult to get a close look at, so it feels forced when I try to explore, with too much Me seeking, if that makes sense.

I have been thinking about my expectations today too. The Gateless Gatecrashers book makes it appear that the process is miraculously simple, which It always seems unlikely would be the case. What if these people were at the right place to make the breakthrough and I am not? I don’t want you to commit to 10 years of reading my notes! I do feel as though things are shifting but vary in my confidence as to whether the breakthrough seeing will occur for me, or at least any time soon. I am intent on carrying on, but don’t want to burden you. Please don’t give me just a polite response!
Andy

Andy my Dear Friend No Burden & if it comes too that We'll Know too Stop & Go a different angle !?!
Not being polite This IS what's going on with me Regardless of Guiding or Not....!!!!
Might as well use this Time & Guide You through this Mazeless maze Gateless gate Liberation Enlightenment Zero Space Excetra
&
That's The Point Mind is Infinite & None Existent so it can Be Conceptualize Infinitely & identified with but Never Found !!! /???
Now Steady I Know WTF How do I get this Without a Way, Well That's The Point, No Way No Words No One Just Infinite Knowing !!! /??? Don't Something inside Always Knows even When Not Knowing, isn't it still Knowing ?!? /!?! That's Infinity Abbreviated I & That's why it seems like I got it oh & Now i don't !!! Nothing sticks Birth Death Conscious Not Conscious Extra & So forth Infinite !!! /???
Ok my Friend Now Drop All Ideas of This & Look at Unadulterated Knowing, Not Knowledge, There's a difference & Ask Yourself When are You Doing Knowing........??? /!!!
Alright stopping Here my Friend let me know what comes up & talk soon !!!
Always Sending Peace Love Life & Laughter Yours Truly Stafford

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[Andyjones]

So, I am relaxing into not trying to know and things seem calmer, quieter, more relaxed, healthier. I am just ‘being with’ as much as I can and not enquiring so much, which maybe feels like losing focus, but I will stick with it.
Andy

[StaffordJR]

So, I am relaxing into not trying to know and things seem calmer, quieter, more relaxed, healthier. I am just ‘being with’ as much as I can and not enquiring so much, which maybe feels like losing focus, but I will stick with it.
Andy

Wonderful Work Beautiful Now While Relaxing into That which You're Experiencing & describing above & Notice the feeling about loosing focus, does the feeling actually point too Loosing focus or is that just a Passing sensation that comes & goes randomly & Creates a Feeler ??? / !!!
Ok let me know what's coming up & Sending much Love & Laughter Yours Truly Stafford

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[Andyjones]

(“” Notice the feeling about loosing focus, does the feeling actually point too Loosing focus or is that just a Passing sensation that comes & goes randomly & Creates a Feeler ??? / !!!“”)

All thoughts and feelings come and go, but in general it feels as though my thinking and feeling is all becoming more subtle, so the sense of I or ‘the feeler’ is weaker, less prominent. It seems to be a much diluted Me.
I’ve also over the last couple of days become more aware of the underlying quiet spacious / empty stillness, which sometimes makes my actions and thoughts seem more neutral / impersonal. The neutrality makes it seem slightly like freewheeling, out of gear. I’m so used to being focused and action / outcome oriented, that this feels like disengaging.
I think maybe the feeling of loss of focus is a combination of less intense Me analyzing, and this quietness which seems to weaken the internal dialogue and make it unnecessary?

[StaffordJR]

(“” Notice the feeling about loosing focus, does the feeling actually point too Loosing focus or is that just a Passing sensation that comes & goes randomly & Creates a Feeler ??? / !!!“”)

All thoughts and feelings come and go, but in general it feels as though my thinking and feeling is all becoming more subtle, so the sense of I or ‘the feeler’ is weaker, less prominent. It seems to be a much diluted Me.
I’ve also over the last couple of days become more aware of the underlying quiet spacious / empty stillness, which sometimes makes my actions and thoughts seem more neutral / impersonal. The neutrality makes it seem slightly like freewheeling, out of gear. I’m so used to being focused and action / outcome oriented, that this feels like disengaging.
I think maybe the feeling of loss of focus is a combination of less intense Me analyzing, and this quietness which seems to weaken the internal dialogue and make it unnecessary?

Apologies for the late reply was Reading & Contemplating everything & Planned to reply write & actually passed out last night Lol
Talk about not Being in Control Lol Too funny & Thanks for Being so Patient !!!

Appreciate Your Perception in Seeing how ego mind body Me, wants too Analyze & Control This Whole Phenomenal Situation & at the same time Seeing the Impersonal & Neutrality Flow or Freewheeling & Empty Stillness !!! Great Work ;~} =_= { ~;
Now take a Look & See The Wholeness of This Whole Phenomenal Situation ?!? /!?!
Everything is Here in Your Reply & Who's in the Middle Seeing All This ??? /!!!
Ok my Friend stopping Here too let You Contemplate This ?!? /!?! So so Appreciate Your Hard Work & Honesty Sending much Love Yours Truly Stafford

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[Andyjones]

This morning I meditated just by connecting to the stillness and letting Myself go into it. I don’t think I’ve done that before, so my Self / I must be clinking less and less fearful of letting go. Which has to be a good thing.

(“”Now take a Look & See The Wholeness of This Whole Phenomenal Situation ?!? /!?!
Everything is Here in Your Reply & Who's in the Middle Seeing All This ??? /!!!“”)

These insights are so abstract it’s difficult to communicate about. So I’m understanding that (somehow!) I’m meant to see the whole without being a see-er? I think my route into that maybe to develop the losing self and then see who or what is experiencing that. So unless I’m way off beam that’s the direction I’ll travel.
It is you who is patient.
Thank you for that.
Andy

[StaffordJR]

This morning I meditated just by connecting to the stillness and letting Myself go into it. I don’t think I’ve done that before, so my Self / I must be clinking less and less fearful of letting go. Which has to be a good thing.

(“”Now take a Look & See The Wholeness of This Whole Phenomenal Situation ?!? /!?!
Everything is Here in Your Reply & Who's in the Middle Seeing All This ??? /!!!“”)

These insights are so abstract it’s difficult to communicate about. So I’m understanding that (somehow!) I’m meant to see the whole without being a see-er? I think my route into that maybe to develop the losing self and then see who or what is experiencing that. So unless I’m way off beam that’s the direction I’ll travel.
It is you who is patient.
Thank you for that.
Andy

Hi Andy Ok Not what I was trying to point out so let's shine the light in another way !!!
You're Already Not The Personal See-er & can't have a my route with & individual Way....!!!!! Not Possible !!! It's Never Been That Way ....!!!
So Contemplating This, When You've lost Yourself & No One is Home
How can There be someone too see who or what was There ?!? /!?!
And Could it Be That You weren't connecting with Silence, Being is Silence that an Image of a You Appeared in !?! /?!? Look & See if That's True ?!? /!?!
Or Can it be Possible That this is Spontaneously Created Light Show without Explanation & Answers.....!!!!!! /????
Ok my Dear Friend in This Illusion hope I haven't lost You & don't worry We'll get There Because it's Already Happening.....!!!
Sending much Love & talk soon
Stafford !!!

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[Andyjones]

Ok thanks. I will give a full feedback later.

[Andyjones]

(“” You're Already Not The Personal See-er & can't have a my route with & individual Way....!!!!! Not Possible !!! It's Never Been That Way ....!!!
So Contemplating This, When You've lost Yourself & No One is Home
How can There be someone too see who or what was There ?!? /!?!
And Could it Be That You weren't connecting with Silence, Being is Silence that an Image of a You Appeared in !?! /?!? Look & See if That's True ?!? /!?!
Or Can it be Possible That this is Spontaneously Created Light Show without Explanation & Answers.....!!!!!! /????””)

So this is where I am at.

There is mind / body of person named Andy.
There are actions, sensations, thoughts and feelings produced and / or experienced by this mind / body.
The content of those relate to this mind / body - they appear to have the location / environment and memory experience of this mind / body so are unique to it.
The more I (this mind body) looks at the thoughts / sensations / feelings that are associated with the personalised identity of I / Me, the more they appear to present as just thoughts / feelings / sensations. Mostly what I am left with is noticing these phenomena as though detached from them, though the degree of detachment varies. When quiet / meditating and I (this mind body) look for ‘My’ identity there is mostly just a familiar sense / feeling as though of recognition. This feels like ‘Me’ currently, but it is less dense and identity-ful than it used to be. It may even just be the familiarity of my bodily sensation.
Generally there is letter mental chatter, it is weaker, there is more recognition and less being drawn into it, though daydreams still occur when the continuum of awareness (wakefulness) is absent. There is a greater sense of spaciousness.
In meditation just now to check out what the current experience is, there appeared to be a matrix / field of data from perceptions / thoughts / feelings in space, or the other image that came was of the surface of a still pool with these perceptions / thoughts / feelings being reflections or wind passing over ruffling up the water’s surface. There wasn’t any separate looker / see-er. It’s probably a more intense version of what is experienced when outside of meditation.

So it feels like progress, with greater seeing and greater understanding, but as though ‘I’ am waiting for something to go ‘pop’ or click into focus. It feels as though it needs a resolution.

[StaffordJR]

Quote="Andyjones"](“” You're Already Not The Personal See-er & can't have a my route with & individual Way....!!!!! Not Possible !!! It's Never Been That Way ....!!!
So Contemplating This, When You've lost Yourself & No One is Home
How can There be someone too see who or what was There ?!? /!?!
And Could it Be That You weren't connecting with Silence, Being is Silence that an Image of a You Appeared in !?! /?!? Look & See if That's True ?!? /!?!
Or Can it be Possible That this is Spontaneously Created Light Show without Explanation & Answers.....!!!!!! /????””)

So this is where I am at.

There is mind / body of person named Andy.
There are actions, sensations, thoughts and feelings produced and / or experienced by this mind / body.
The content of those relate to this mind / body - they appear to have the location / environment and memory experience of this mind / body so are unique to it.
The more I (this mind body) looks at the thoughts / sensations / feelings that are associated with the personalised identity of I / Me, the more they appear to present as just thoughts / feelings / sensations. Mostly what I am left with is noticing these phenomena as though detached from them, though the degree of detachment varies. When quiet / meditating and I (this mind body) look for ‘My’ identity there is mostly just a familiar sense / feeling as though of recognition. This feels like ‘Me’ currently, but it is less dense and identity-ful than it used to be. It may even just be the familiarity of my bodily sensation.
Generally there is letter mental chatter, it is weaker, there is more recognition and less being drawn into it, though daydreams still occur when the continuum of awareness (wakefulness) is absent. There is a greater sense of spaciousness.
In meditation just now to check out what the current experience is, there appeared to be a matrix / field of data from perceptions / thoughts / feelings in space, or the other image that came was of the surface of a still pool with these perceptions / thoughts / feelings being reflections or wind passing over ruffling up the water’s surface. There wasn’t any separate looker / see-er. It’s probably a more intense version of what is experienced when outside of meditation.

So it feels like progress, with greater seeing and greater understanding, but as though ‘I’ am waiting for something to go ‘pop’ or click into focus. It feels as though it needs a resolution.[/quote]

Yes Andy My Friend Yes This IS Progress & Very much Closer too what's Pointed Too......!!!!!
Don't worry about Any Pop, it's resolving itself....!!!!!! It's different for Everyone, Like Shining Light through a Diamond Reflecting a Rainbow. Different Color Every Time, So Stay There & just Keep Noticing Being & Love That You've stripped it down too Noticing Awesome Great Looking ;~} =_= {~;
Ok Stopping Here & will try & write more Tonight, Oh & Remember This IS a Never Ending Infinite Journey so Ride This Easy !!!
Send Peace Love Life & Laughter Yours Truly Stafford

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[Andyjones]

I’m posting daily because that was the commitment it things are shifting slowly.
I’m back from holiday and back into work, so ‘my’ mind is more occupied Making the looking less intense.
I woke up trying too hard to See and was frustrated with a strong sense of self.
Meditation was better, letting go into it. There was a feeling of a core like a tree of impersonal strength which then filled around with similar material like clay or concrete, again solid, strong, resilient and impersonal. This sensation stayed throughout the day with greater and lesser intensity.
Until tomorrow!

[Andyjones]

This morning I feel profoundly relaxed, having woken early. There is a quiet happiness inside. Let’s see what the day brings...

[StaffordJR]

I’m posting daily because that was the commitment it things are shifting slowly.
I’m back from holiday and back into work, so ‘my’ mind is more occupied Making the looking less intense.
I woke up trying too hard to See and was frustrated with a strong sense of self.
Meditation was better, letting go into it. There was a feeling of a core like a tree of impersonal strength which then filled around with similar material like clay or concrete, again solid, strong, resilient and impersonal. This sensation stayed throughout the day with greater and lesser intensity.
Until tomorrow!

I’m posting daily because that was the commitment it things are shifting slowly.
I’m back from holiday and back into work, so ‘my’ mind is more occupied Making the looking less intense.
I woke up trying too hard to See and was frustrated with a strong sense of self.
Meditation was better, letting go into it. There was a feeling of a core like a tree of impersonal strength which then filled around with similar material like clay or concrete, again solid, strong, resilient and impersonal. This sensation stayed throughout the day with greater and lesser intensity.
Until tomorrow!

Hi Andy Been Contemplating what would help point You Through The Gate ???
So This is what came up !!!
Direct Question & Direct Yes or No Answers !!!
Can You control Your Thinking ?!?
Ok let me know what comes up out of This
Talk soon &
Sending much Love Stafford


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[Andyjones]

Interesting.
My initial reaction to this was “No, because there is no Me outside of my thinking, and my thinking can’t control itself”.
But that feels like a bit of a profound thing to say, so let me sleep on it!

[Andyjones]

(“” Direct Question & Direct Yes or No Answers !!!
Can You control Your Thinking ?!?
Ok let me know what comes up out of This””)

No.
There isn’t a separate I to do the controlling.

The reason ‘i’ have come to this conclusion is that wherever ‘i’ve looked for what ‘i’ thought of as Me the thought / sensation becomes transparent, it evaporates. This seems to be a continuation of the ‘Realisation’ ‘i’ had a few years ago on retreat when ‘i’ had a mental image of myself as a Chinese dragon or music from an orchestra that believed in its independent existence. ‘i’ also have a growing sense of an impersonal core. Also logically ‘i’ can’t see how there can be a separate I controlling, and the concept of an illusion of a separate I seems to fit with what ‘i’ have read and understood from Buddhist teachings.

Though ‘i’ am still thinking through the implications of this. At the moment it is puzzling and seems to have both positive and negative aspects (the main negative I think being the loss of the imagined ‘Special’ Self, in the same way as it was a shame when I discovered that Santa and Unicorns don’t exist!).
‘i’would also say that ‘i’ am still sensing the Self-feeling at times, and I woke in the night with a dream of being embarrassed at being seen dancing by someone I wanted to impress. How does embarrassment / self consciousness work when there is no Self?! ‘i’ am guessing that with further reflection this all slowly drops away?