Why does the self feel so real?

[Ilona]

Wonderful. I can sense the lightness in your words. Yeah, life continues expressing in all forms.

Is seeking still going on? If so, in what form?
Love.

[Taskat]

Hi Ilona, seeking is over but still enjoy listening to Rupert Spira.
He has a lovely way of describing the 'no self' and experiencing the timeless.
It's not seeking, more deepening and feels calm and peaceful.

By the way, my daughter had her first baby last week. So lovely. He was 6 weeks early so she and her husband are now totally in love with a little tiny boy.
I cant visit because of COVID but we are all adjusting to this and
It doesnt change the joy.
Love
Taskat

[Ilona]

Wonderful news, congratulations! My best wishes to your family! Such a sweet time.

It’s lovely to hear that seeking energy feels different and is peaceful.
Seeing this, have your expectations been met? looking back, did you find what you were looking for?

Love.

[Taskat]

Dear Ilona, yes, expectations met.

Looking 'at' now, not looking 'for'.
More and more seeing that Life just shows up.
Right now.
Still get caught up in work drama but can pull back and (mostly) see it as whatever is arising.
At peace
Thanks and lots of love
Taskat

[Ilona]

Wonderful. Let this settle and let me know when you are ready for the final questions.
Love!

[Taskat]

Hi Ilona, yes - almost there,
think it might be time for the final questions.
There is a sense this is really only the beginning.
Love
Love always
Taskat

[Ilona]

Yes, this is a fresh start! Like a new book, rather than a new chapter. :)
Here they are the questions.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?

Please answer in full, when ready.

Much love.

[Taskat]

Hi Ilona,
It has taken a while to get back whilst I ponder the last few weeks of direct inquiry.
As there is no separate self, there is this question as to who or what has been inquiring.
It is like the totality of awareness is waking up to itself.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No, there is no separate self - this is an idea, almost a convenience of language that refers to this body mind unit that is integrated with surroundings and everything else. This is most evident when out walking in nature which is an experience that is wonderful (label) but not essential to peace of mind.(whatever ’mind’ is...really just another idea)
‘Ever’ is also just a concept as there is only this point in time and memories of ‘the past’ are just appearing in an ever-present now.

2)Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry,

The separate self illusion shows up as ’The sum total of a me’ with a past that can be hurt, damaged, upset, ignored and marginalised by others, feel lonely, hungry, angry, upset, isolated, feel responsible for choices and what happens. Also - the ‘good’ things - the sense of achievement over adversity, love for children, partner, pets, grandchildren, sense of joy, peacefulness and happiness.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

Answering this involves describing a feeling that is just another arising in awareness but will have a go.
It is like our whole lives are built around a misunderstanding that the separate self is real. Awareness is experiencing.
‘I’ am inextricably part of awareness and things are showing up to this ’me’ in this time and place which is only now.
‘I’ have no more control of this than I do of bodily functions, my heartbeat, processes of digestion or those of our pet wallaby!
What happens is that there is a sense of utter relief and peace.
Freedom to just be without all the responsibilities for my own or any one else’s happiness, choices or decisions about their lives.
Ironically, it has made me ‘better’ at the bits of my job that really matter. I can be with distressed, angry people without engaging too much in their suffering. Feels like I’m better equipped for channelling compassion. (It also means I am comfortable refusing to do things that are destructive, bureaucratic and time wasting)

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

It has been coming for so long that it is hard to say. I think it was last Friday when I was requested to do a stupid, meaningless retemplating of a document that was completely unnecessary and I just thought - this is nonsense, it doesn’t exist, this sense of being aggrieved by having some secretary tell ‘me’ what to do and feeling upset by this, telling a few people. This is just life arising, the angry reaction is pointless, there is no me to damage or be hurt by this or be aggrieved.

5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

This is still challenging to get. Deeply ingrained whole of life conditioning that ‘I’ am responsible for actions, choices and that we have ‘free will’ (as in the garden—of-eden type don’t do bad stuff or you will go to hell - type) conditioning that is hard to see through.
Letting this go delivers incredible freedom and just enjoying it - still feels like a process of ‘fake it till you make it’ but it is happening - bit by bit.
Love always, profound gratitude and thanks and would love to talk again sometime...
Taskat

[Ilona]

Dear Taskat. Thank you for answers. I can see that a shift is taking place. Things look and feel different. Nice that you are able to stay focused and most important tasks are being done with smoothness.

This is still challenging to get. Deeply ingrained whole of life conditioning that ‘I’ am responsible for actions, choices and that we have ‘free will’ (as in the garden—of-eden type don’t do bad stuff or you will go to hell - type) conditioning that is hard to see through.

Let’s explore this.
Everything that is happening ( work, home, relationships, place you live, family you have) - is it yours? Have you chose this? Or is it given? Can anything be different? Could anything be different?
Remember an important decision, could you have decided differently in that situation, knowing what you knew?

Find the feeling, that you a responsible and look at it. See what you can learn from it. What does it want?

Write soon :)

Love.

[Taskat]

Hi Ilona,
Thanks for getting me back on track and reminding that there is no control, no one doing this and no one responsible

Everything that is happening ( work, home, relationships, place you live, family you have) - is it yours? Have you chose this? Or is it given? Can anything be different? Could anything be different?

No, life is just what it is.

Remember an important decision, could you have decided differently in that situation, knowing what you knew?

Even the most impulsive decisions still feel like they were the best option at the time. Sometimes, the toss of a coin decisions , the totally random stuff worked out just fine and no regrets. Looking back - there were really no other choices, just what happened.

Funny thing happened yesterday. I went for a walk to my favourite close (5 mins drive away) Bush land forest. I was out enjoying everything and thought it was being totally OK when I again. Realised I’d been lost in thought for 10 minutes or so and not engaged with beautiful surroundings. Suddenly I stumbled and landed flat on my face on the path, nothing hurt or damaged (bit of a bruise on my face and elbow) but enough to make me stop, find a log and sit rather than walking flat out.

Realised I was surrounded by dozens of different birds singing and there was amazing peace, just there, me and the birds and the ferns and rocks and trees and my ripped jeans and we were all one. Fantastic!
Eventually started walking again and came around a bend to the river. It was early morning and there were a few insects. Still as a millpond. Saw what I thought was a fish rising but NO it was a platypus! How wonderful. He was just out for his morning swim, an then I saw another one swimming around in the shallows. They are so cute and amazing and perfectly adapted to their river forest environment.

If I hadn’t stopped and sat I would have missed the whole thing. So wonderful. Not only do we have incredible forest and wildlife, our environment still supports these rare native animals.
And it is all us and we are all life and it is perfect. Just as it is You me, platypus, wallaby air water trees everything all one.
All life flowing, no boundaries, no separation, all one, here now.

Love, always and take care
Taskat

[Ilona]

Dear Taskat.
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful experience in the forest. It’s comforting to know, that life has a way to stop you, even if that means to flatten you out on a road, so that you can come back from the head into actuality.

It’s wonderful to really see how life is flowing freely and includes all, showing up as all.

Is there anything else you would like to explore?

Have a wonderful day!
Love

[Taskat]

Dear Ilona, thank you for support and guidance on this journey!
Life showing us as Ilona and Liberation Unleashed!
I have so enjoyed our dialogue- life guiding life with the benefit of removing unnecessary pain and suffering.
Seeing it for what it is - just a story.

This conversation has been beautiful and, once again, i honour you

Love always
Taskat