The Gate

Also, let me know how you are doing in general...sleeping ok, eating, taking care of yourself, family/work stress.

Are feeling grounded, struggling to get a grip?

How can I most help? If we had a magic wand, what would your ask be right now?

Yes, it is. The identification happens through the thought of identification. There is no other way. Look for yourself.

ok, I will do that.

So you have seen and your "attention muscle memory" isn't built up much yet.

I think this is the perfect description. I really thought I was prepared. It seems I wasn't. A lot of people talk about how this shift of perspective is subtle. Maybe that was misleading bc for me it's anything but subtle. The seeing of no self may be subtle but it feels like it opened smth. deep.

btw. I like your backroud and TV description. The old color TV metaphor is very good. It feels like switching from sitting in front watching the pictures to my head beeing inside seeing the electrons fly forming a picture.

What is it specifically that is causing fear?

The deepness/force with wich I sometimes fall into the gap when I'm not prepared or weak. Sometimes it's almost like I forget "how to human". Out of nowhere it is like waking up in the middle of the night from a dream beeing a human for a split second. Then immediately falling back asleep again. In this short time the concept of birth, death, all the problems here is so ridiculous but also makes sense and it feels like "this is where I belong (what I really am?).
The deepness of this overwhelms me. Yesterday I was working out and all of the sudden I had a moment like this and I was shellshocked to the core. It's like if the universe just came by and said "hi". I don't know if this makes sense to you but that's how it feels.

This is off-topic ...

Yes, this helps and it is what I'm learning and getting used to now.

As a metaphor, it seems like you are having a dream of falling, while lying on the floor. You can feel the floor, and you feel the fears from thoughts. You are shifting from one to the other, and you strongly do not prefer the fear. Is this somewhat accurate?

Yes, very accurate.

Also, let me know how you are doing in general...sleeping ok, eating, taking care of yourself, family/work stress.

Are feeling grounded, struggling to get a grip?

I'm doing ok.
I'm slowly getting used to it and get a grip. Sleeping, especially falling asleep often is a challenge. I was so used to "thought out and fall asleep" and now when it get deep I am so aware of what's going on in my mind that it's sometimes hard to let go and let things be. It doesn't help that I broke up with my girl 8 weeks ago and have to deal with it on my own at night. But everyday I understand more and can realx more.

How can I most help? If we had a magic wand, what would your ask be right now?

You already helped me a lot. Showing me that I'm not going crazy and that I'm not alone in this. You gave me some good tools and phrases that I use daily. I need to work on it getting used to it and become more chill!

If we had a magic wand, what would your ask be right now?

hmmm a vacation in SE-Asia would be cool! The summer here in Germany is really cold and rainy so far. No just kidding... I'd like to have more courage to face this more head on and be less afraid.

Thanks for all your time and help it means a lot!

Today I looked into what I wrote here:

Sometimes it's almost like I forget "how to human". Out of nowhere it is like waking up in the middle of the night from a dream beeing a human for a split second.

I had it again talking to a colleague today.
It is like losing all concepts and conceptual thinking. Today hearing triggered it. I, just out of a random impulse, focused on hearing him speak. And somehow I got aware of my awareness and "looked" at it.

This triggers "forgetting how to human". All concepts of language, communication and what you are focusing on don't make sense anymore. Or at least you see that there is another "plain of receiving". But for that moment I forget that I can tune back in the normal one. That's when the panic impulse arises. Today it was well manageable bc I was prepared and "testing" it. But when this hits when I'm driving my car or trying to sleep I can get lost in that impulse of fear.

When you have this again, watch for thought to arise from the silence. What is it telling you? What is the tone of that voice, the internal volume?

You might try getting used to the silence, look into it, realize that it does not mean lack of existence.

When you are lost in thought, what is the "speed" associated with this? Myself, I feel that there is a slowness which can become ungrounded to the point of physical clumsiness. It is familiar, heavy, dense.

When silent and in awareness, this is much different. It is fast, sharp, accurate, very alert.

Hey!

I just wanted to post a quick update. I think I got it now! I found a way to relax.
I came across Loch Kelly. I heard an interview with him by chance and what he said there resonated with me. He was talking about fear coming up when self is deconstructed and how to avoid it. I like his glimpsing method. It's basically the same as the direct ponting method but it doesn't stop at deconstructing the self but going deeper in awareness.

You might try getting used to the silence, look into it, realize that it does not mean lack of existence.

Yes, I'm parcticing that. I try to keep it going for as long as I can and look at what bounces me off.

When silent and in awareness, this is much different. It is fast, sharp, accurate, very alert.

Yes, it's the same for me. It has a very clear feel to it. Like beeing in thin, cool and very clean air. In this state it is no effort to be alert and awake.

It is familiar, heavy, dense.

Yes, it is like seeing everything through a fog. Similar to beeing lightly drunk. Field of view is narrower, it feels "comfy" like in a cocoon. The other thing is cristal clear like beeing on a mountain top looking down at things.

So how are things coming?

So how are things coming?

Yeah, I'm good now. I learned to "play"with awareness the last few days. Inside and outside awareness. This helps me to let go and fall into emptiness at will without beeing afraid. I get more and more time without thought. Just beeing - letting all information stream in.