Dear Vivien—
The Questions! Woohoo 🎉
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
Through investigation there is no separate “self, me, I” to be found— Only thoughts/beliefs of a separate identity are found that dissipate with questioning and looking. There is not and never has been a separate self. When thoughts appear with the “me” identity they just evaporate, disappear when investigated.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of a separate self is simply a thought— just further thoughts about thoughts about thoughts/beliefs/concepts.
I don’t know when exactly it starts so the following are thoughts/theories not based in present experience, but here goes: a separate identity seems to begin when labeling begins of what appears to be objects— even before verbal speech— I taught “my” children words (labels) in sign language before they could verbalize words in an attempt to help them communicate their wants and needs. An illusory independent identity seems pretty entrenched by about age 2 when “me! mine!” is flaring on full display! Everyone around us perpetuates the illusion which keeps it unchecked, and the thoughts continue of an illusory “I”.
The illusory self is the separate “doer” that has control, an identity and does things. But these are only thoughts— Thoughts that cause a lot of suffering.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
At first there were feelings of disorientation—“Everything “I” ever thought about “myself” is an illusion?!” And yes, yes is the answer to that. Disappointment also came up that there wasn’t a more transcendent moment of aha-ness that would last.
Then, after a whole night of very little sleep, labeling every thought as a thought, the next day with my kids needing my attention, I realized, “This is it. This is it! There is nothing other than this moment right now. Everything else is a thought...past, future, shoulds, shouldn’ts....This is it!”
It felt like something broke loose & there was a feeling of acceptance and freedom and effortlessness. The other difference from before this dialog is a beautiful sense of clarity about the reality of simple experience.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
It was a more gradual process than a single aha— but these questions were very helpful:
Where is the line that divides this “I” from the whole?
Is there a separate experiencer experiencing the present moment?
With these questions the illusory thoughts really dissipated.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
These things are all thoughts based on an illusory decider, intender, chooser, controller. These things simply don’t exist. There is no separate decider, intender, chooser, controller making separate independent choices from a separate “I”. There is just happening.
For example, the thought arises that I should go to bed. Then other unrelated thoughts arise like checking e-mail etc. Then the body somehow starts to move toward the bathroom, brushing teeth happens, flossing happens, face washing... then into bed, all with no chooser— it all simply happens!
Everything simply happens — this body ages, children grow, trees turn green in the spring, oceans move with waves....
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
It’s an odd thing, but responsibility just happens. There is no self to take responsibility for an object of any sort, including children. But caring for them just happens each moment—
There is more of a flow with it now... the capacity for this body to care for others is less clouded by “I”ness if that makes sense.
The “This is it!” moment brought less of getting caught in thoughts and more simply experiencing what is— What always and perpetually just is. This is it!!
6) Anything to add?
This realizing of no self feels like a beginning.
Thank you so very much Vivien— thank you♥️
