6 years sober spent seeking the truth

[nemesis]

There's a nice exercise I found.

Sit with eyes closed for about 15 minutes.
Paying attention only to the pure sensations, without relying on thoughts or mental images:

Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?

Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?
What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

Look very carefully, especially with the last question. Take your time, don’t rush. You can look several times during the day while doing other things (like washing hands, showering, having a short break from work, walking, etc) before replying.

Have fun. And by the way, there is no need to thank me. You're doing all the work. I'm just sitting here, pointing at things. ;)

[DoctahL]

Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

With eyes closed there is no "feeling" or perception of how tall the body is.
Weight is not noticeable.
Shape is not feelable. Just a mental image (with eyes shut)

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?

There were moments I could not notice a boundary. I could notice sensations...like an energy. Hard to explain. Like if I stare at my hand and pay attention, I can notice the outward sensitivity of feeling. Not air blowing on it but like it's charged.

There were also times that the sensation from the floor where I was sitting disappeared and the sensation was like falling.

Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

I'm struggling with this. There can't be an inside. The only thing inside the head is a brain. Inside thoughts? More thoughts. A story. I feel trapped. I have to be honest there have been waves of despair over this today.

What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?
What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

The word body actually refers to blood guts bones and organs.
Actual experience of the body? A bunch of processes going on. Feelings. Pleasure and pain. Right now, hunger.

[DoctahL]

Why would despairing arise? Despairing. Not Despair. Not fixed and not manufactured by a "me". I see what you mean about verbs. At least with feelings.

[nemesis]

Why would despairing arise?

Why not?

Are there good and bad sensations? What seperates them?

The only thing inside the head is a brain

How do you know there's a 'brain' in the 'head'?

The word body actually refers to blood guts bones and organs.

So it's just a story?

Not fixed and not manufactured by a "me". I see what you mean about verbs. At least with feelings.

:)

[DoctahL]

Are there good and bad sensations? What seperates them?

Thoughts are thoughts. Sensations are sensations. Good or bad are just labels. Thoughts labeling sensations.

How do you know there's a 'brain' in the 'head'?

I've never seen a brain up close. Not my own or anyone else's. I've seen hundreds if not thousands of pictures of brains and have been told my whole life that (pointing) this is a head, and in there is a brain that thinks. Same with the body all it's various parts.

So it's just a story?

I can see how saying things about the body would be a story but not that the body IS a story? What am I missing here?

[DoctahL]

Ok. Direct experience of the senses regarding the body right now. Body is a label. What can be sensed directly is the seeing of color commonly labeled as "white", sensation of being able to touch the body and label those parts and the labeling of whatever is assumed to be inside the body. That would be a story since those are not currently in the DE.

Same with the head. It can be seen only by looking in a mirror (which is currently not happening which makes that a story) and can be felt with the hands. The name "head" is a label and it's contents are assumed. A story.

The thoughts about the body i.e. blood, gut, bones, organs are thoughts that are known/learned but there is no direct experience of them right now which makes that a story.

[nemesis]

Is there ever something that is being experienced or could it be that there's just 'experiencing' happening?

[DoctahL]

Experiencing happening. No 'things'.

[nemesis]

Yeah, so what do we do now?

[DoctahL]

My wife told me to get off the computer lol. Should probably do that. I'll report tomorrow...thank you again and a hundred times more.

[nemesis]

my pleasure :) we can continue anytime you want.

[DoctahL]

This morning has been interesting. More flow. Less resistance just watching. Moving around.

Some understanding that isn't quite resolved; if there's nobody to decide or actively discern, if this is automatic how can there be acceptance of a false belief? I mean when you say LOOK and then no me is SEEN, how can there be no volition? That's like watching a movie. With a script and all. How can there be resistance at all? So much suffering? If there's no real me to get attached to painful experience then how does that happen and why?

The suffering is a story now. Thinking is fighting for meaning.

[DoctahL]

I do see with suffering. Pain would be a direct experience. At least physical pain. Suffering would be identifying with it. Saying things like "not fair" "why me".

I guess I've never learned ANYTHING until the information is presented...till then, thoughts do the best they can to make sense of something it doesn't understand by belief. Gotta walk into a wall before you realize you can't walk through it.

[nemesis]

How can there be resistance at all? So much suffering?

Well,... is there?
Or is it just thought doing it's thing?

If there's no real me to get attached to painful experience then how does that happen and why? 

This wanting to understand something - in how far does that differ from ... well any other thought story?

The suffering is a story now.

Can it be anything else than a story?
Has it ever been more than that?

Gotta walk into a wall before you realize you can't walk through it.

Let's do that then ;)

[DoctahL]

Time is a story. Control is a story. Seeking was just happening and just a word describing the story of thoughts surrounding experiences. Nothing to do? No decisions to make? No one to make them. Life just does it's thing without any help or commentary from some made up I. Whatever expectations arise about the future and "awakening" are unnecessary and experience will happen how it happens inevitably? Effort is illusory? This seems like a silly question but will this experience deepen? Seems it is already. Flow is a good word. Accepting, allowing, surrendering, letting go, being...