I Think I'm Close

[Karmic Eraser]

As you can see, assuming the solidness of this "thing," whether you call it "I" or "organized intelligence" or whatever, leads to unsolvable questions. It's much easier to conclude that it doesn't really exist -- that there's nothing solid there!

Yes, it's easier, but is it true?

How does the notion that there's a monolithic core that continues from experience to experience -- from last night to today -- get constructed? Watch how words and concepts can very easily fool you into thinking there's some "thing" there.

Yes, exactly. The chaos of it all says there is no core, no reason, no order. I understand that what I'm attempting here is to just reside in the chaos and be okay with it--or not, LOL. I'm only here for the ride, right? There is only the ride; there is no I here.

You talked about "my particular expression" with "my" in quotes. Does this "my" refer to anything outside the world of words?

No, and that's why it's in quotes. It was easier today to just observe. I think I'm worn out, LOL. Easier to just say, "Yeah, heard that one before, just keep moving," to every thought that came by. Maybe I should be euphoric about this but to be honest, I'm having a physical struggle. I don't know what your background is, but mine (after the church experience) is A Course in Miracles, and it really seems that the construct has gone from "suspicious to vicious" in an attempt to hold on. Or, stated differently, my subconscious doesn't want to let go of the ego. Whichever it is, due to a pharmacy mix-up I'm out of pain med AND going through withdrawal--AND observation. And I'm changing my name to Wonder Woman, worn out or not. Talk about body sensation bringing up thoughts and labels!

I have longer and longer slices of time where it is easier to see that there is no I, and then notice thoughts come up, label leading to label. I'm growing myopic over the process; nothing else seems to exist. But I've always followed instinct, and it's never led me wrong. You're a very good teacher, Derek. Much appreciation here.
July

[Derek]

Hi, July,

I understand that it's a struggle to keep looking so intensely.

It's not quite a matter of being okay with whatever's happening inside you, though that's certainly a start. It's more a matter of direct looking at how the appearance of a solid self gets constructed.

For example, you have observed that the ego has become vicious in asserting its existence. At that point you're exactly on the path -- observing what the thoughts do. The same when you observe that bodily pain leads to labeling. That's exactly what you need to do -- see how it all works.

A lot of the statements in ACIM are in fact correct -- for example, "the separation never occurred" (T-6.II.10:7). That's because, though we have the impression of separateness, there never was an event where we separated from anything. There is no separate self. It's an illusion. So, given that there's nothing separate, there never could have been any separation-event.

However, I've yet to come across anyone who woke up as a result of studying the ACIM thought-system. Our method here is to watch rather than think.

When you say the ego has become vicious, can you tell me, step by step, the way it insists to you that a separate "I" has a solid and permanent existence? How does it do that trick?

No pressure to get there quickly, by the way. It's okay to have difficult days. I spent two months at the stage you've been at since Saturday, so don't feel you have to rush! Just patient, persistent watching. Let me know how Tuesday goes!

Derek.

[Karmic Eraser]

When you say the ego has become vicious, can you tell me, step by step, the way it insists to you that a separate "I" has a solid and permanent existence? How does it do that trick?

To me it's the domino effect that makes the separate "I" seem real, how a thought seems to lead to another and another, all connected and dependent upon one another. HOWEVER, any given construct is exactly that: built upon something. Twenty labels are no more true than one label, they just seem louder and seem to last longer. I do catch myself "thinking" and put a deliberate stop to it though, pulling myself into just being aware of and even labeling what is happening in the moment: the mockingbird singing, the refrigerator motor humming, the breeze that smells like rain. It "seems" more real than thinking. Less deceitful than thinking, anyway.

The ego is very insistent, interrupting, disruptive. Thoughts come that have absolutely nothing to do with anything, like they belong to another person or scenario. It's like flipping television stations; the resulting conversation will make no sense. It's like the mind chatters just to chatter, to BE distracting! The most difficult here has been body pain, thinking about it, what to do about it, how to make it stop--and I'm off and THINKING again! It has been an almost welcome challenge though, like jogging with ankle weights. I see how vigilant I can be.

I had lunch today with a friend on this same journey, and it was wonderful to talk the talk and share the energy. It is so helpful to hear how someone else sees and handles the construct, and that is why I appreciate your work here so much, Derek.

I've had an image in my head of what this process feels like to me, difficult to describe, so I wrote about it in my blog today. I've been wanting to share the impression with you for a few days, so if you get a chance, please check out http://thesanecurriculum.com/

Okay, no rushing here. I'm going to just keep watching, keep watching. I trust you. And, it's not like I have anything better to do! Thanks so much, Derek.
July

[Derek]

You're very welcome. Please don't believe this work here is about stopping thoughts from arising. We just want to see their nature, as thoughts.

You wrote on your blog about a sensation of rapid shrinking. If you look closely at that, you might find an image in the mind, some words that bubble up to describe it, and perhaps a body sensation or a feeling. Which of these, if any, constitutes a "self"? Which, if any, constitutes a "core"?

When your mind is chattering and one thought is followed by another, then another, then another, not necessarily in any logical sequence, who or what (if anything) is aware of these thoughts?

[Karmic Eraser]

Did I miss a day? Time seems to all be running together into one big observation session!

When your mind is chattering and one thought is followed by another, then another, then another, not necessarily in any logical sequence, who or what (if anything) is aware of these thoughts?

Well here's what I've been sensing about that: I cannot be anything that I can stand back and observe. Awareness can sit back and watch "July" operate; can even conceive of her ceasing to appear to exist someday (death), and that won't affect what is Aware of her. I cannot, however, pull back and observe the Awareness. I am in the middle of what is aware, or I am the Awareness, or the Observer. I can't even really say I am the experiencing, unless the experience is observation.

And the Awareness is not a construct: It never knows what is coming or what the next thought, sensation, reaction or label might be. And from the observatory, there is no desire to know. No desire for anything really, just continuous watching is happening.

You wrote on your blog about a sensation of rapid shrinking. If you look closely at that, you might find an image in the mind, some words that bubble up to describe it, and perhaps a body sensation or a feeling. Which of these, if any, constitutes a "self"? Which, if any, constitutes a "core"?

Good question. The Awareness is not being affected at all. It feels like Awareness is all there is, and it's what I would call the "core." It's the sense of there being a separate self that is shrinking, and the actual construct of the self seems to be shrinking. The points of light are all pretty much the same, just points of--thought, I guess.

It really feels like I am the light at the core, the Awareness of all the points of light. I can observe the 7 billion people on this planet, but I can't observe the Awareness; I can only be aware. Yikes! Clear as mud??

One of Gary Renard's guides, in his book, "The Disappearance of the Universe," tells him that Jesus came into the illusory world just like every other man who did--but he didn't believe it as much as we do. That's how I'm starting to feel about things: very unreal. (Please don't call the men in the white coats!)

Sorry to use so many words! I'm trying to convey something intangible and I really want to be clear.
Thanks, Derek.

[Derek]

Good morning, July. You're making good progress. I share your concern for clear wording. At this stage, it's so easy for words to construct a word-reality that deviates ever so slightly from actual experience and hence convey the wrong impression.

You sense that Awareness is a "thing" that can sit back and watch, and that there is a definite Observer there. What, in your moment-to-moment experience, are you labeling as "Awareness" or "the Observer"?

You say the construct of self is shrinking, but are you that construct?

If you're feeling unreal, you can always come back to immediate sensory experience in the present moment. Consider talking a walk in nature, being aware of the flow of experiences.

Derek.

[Karmic Eraser]

Good afternoon, Derek.

You sense that Awareness is a "thing" that can sit back and watch, and that there is a definite Observer there. What, in your moment-to-moment experience, are you labeling as "Awareness" or "the Observer"?

I would have to say that I am Awareness because I am aware, and this has nothing to do with the constructed personality. This Awareness is just the observing, is just the experiencing, moment to moment. I can be aware of the construct by thinking "outside" of myself, but I can only be aware of the Awareness as my Awareness, as my experience of looking.

If you're feeling unreal, you can always come back to immediate sensory experience in the present moment. Consider talking a walk in nature, being aware of the flow of experiences.

Right now, "immediate sensory experience in the present moment" is experienced by Awareness, and it is not the construct of beliefs or opinions. The arm of the chair is pressing into my back, but that is just the experience with no labels attached. I'm going to think about this while I walk the dog this afternoon. I do think that is mostly what has been going on with me in the last couple days: just being aware of the flow of experiences. But it's MY awareness, MY experiences as the Awareness, not as the construct. I can see her, she's rather quiet. She isn't necessary. That leaves me for now with nothing but Awareness--and the body and world I am aware of. Am I making any sense?
July

[Derek]

Hi, July,

What you say makes sense. You've got to the point where you can see experience purely as experience -- for example, the sensation of the chair arm. You've seen that all these experiences can take place without the intervention of an "I" or a felt sense of self. Is that correct?

Yet at the same time, you also talk about "my" awareness. Are you now clear that there's really no solid thing that "owns" the awareness? Or is there still a sense of "me" and "my" to it?

You say that "I am Awareness because I am aware, and this has nothing to do with the constructed personality." Ok, that's good, you've seen that the constructed personality is a mental artifact. It's made up of temporary thought forms and images. Each one arises and passes away. There's really nothing solid and continuous, apart from supposition, that would link these temporary artifacts together.

But what is the "I" in "I am Awareness"? Is it anything apart from Awareness plus a word within that awareness, the word "I"?

And is Awareness anything separate from sensations and impressions that we linguistically describe as "within Awareness"? For example, if there is a sensation of the arm of the chair pressing against your arm, is Awareness anything separate from that sensation? And how about thoughts? Is the Awareness anything separate from the experience of the thought?

Happy looking!

Derek.

[Karmic Eraser]

Good Morning, Derek! Looking at your questions one at a time this morning:

What you say makes sense. You've got to the point where you can see experience purely as experience -- for example, the sensation of the chair arm. You've seen that all these experiences can take place without the intervention of an "I" or a felt sense of self. Is that correct?

Yes. In fact, I'm rather stuck there right now, which is fine with me. Just taking in experience, sensation, watching the thoughts flow by. I'm a verb, not a noun.

Yet at the same time, you also talk about "my" awareness. Are you now clear that there's really no solid thing that "owns" the awareness? Or is there still a sense of "me" and "my" to it?

The Awareness doesn't feel like it belongs to me or to anyone; there's just Awareness. I say "my Awareness" because the same experience may not be happening in Awareness where you are. Yet if there's only Awareness, I can't really feel or conceive of a dividing line. Certainly no specific sense of self in the awareness. I think my definition of self now IS the construct. And my definition of me is Awareness, pure experiencing.

Ok, that's good, you've seen that the constructed personality is a mental artifact. It's made up of temporary thought forms and images. Each one arises and passes away. There's really nothing solid and continuous, apart from supposition, that would link these temporary artifacts together.

Exactly! Last October (25th to be exact) I sat in contemplation that morning and--it wasn't even sudden, the construct just kind of "slipped away." I started laughing, and then I started crying and laughing, and I did that for about 30 minutes until I got the hiccups! It was amazingly empty and freeing. For about 6 weeks I walked around in sheer disconnected joy. Everything was happening as it always had, but it was all okay with me. I had no sadness, no anxiety, no sense of anything needing to be any particular way. Then I started "getting involved" again and the ability to see through the construct came back.

I think that's why I came into this exercise with expectations. I kind of thought Liberation would be like that. Right now, for the last 2 or 3 days, it HAS been like that. There was no moment, no noticed "slipping away," just continuous observation of what is, and total contentment with whatever that may be. An undercurrent of joy and freedom. I'm not holding things up to the construct to see how they qualify. I really don't care. I feel like "July" walked about 20 paces away and went to sleep. I hope she stays there. She really only complicates things. Observing is so much easier.

But what is the "I" in "I am Awareness"? Is it anything apart from Awareness plus a word within that awareness, the word "I"?

Okay, there's definitely not an "I" apart from the Awareness. I'm trying to determine if there is an "I" within the Awareness. It doesn't seem like there is. I feel like Helen Keller: I want to run and touch everything and learn the new word for it FROM WITHIN THE AWARENESS. No, right now it doesn't feel like there's really an "I" in the awareness. There's just Awareness, and since I am aware of it, the Awareness is me. I'm not IN it; I AM it. The Awareness feels like EVERYTHING. "I" is just a word we use for communicating.

For example, if there is a sensation of the arm of the chair pressing against your arm, is Awareness anything separate from that sensation?

No. I really don't know how else to explain it other than no; experience, the sensation and Awareness are the same thing.

And how about thoughts? Is the Awareness anything separate from the experience of the thought?

Good question! Again, All I can say is no. Thoughts come by and they register in Awareness, same as the back pressing against the chair does. But they feel very unowned. Right now, even as I put together a meal plan and a time schedule in my head, it runs through and registers, but more like a sensation than like thinking. I'm just "aware" of it. I have a "plan," so I don't need to "think" anymore; I can go back to sensing and being aware. If there is a "me" here right now, I'd have to say it is the Awareness. Whew!

So I am aware of thought, but I am not thinking. I have no control over thought; I just sense thoughts like I do hot and cold. I just experience thought, like I do sitting and standing. And really, I sense the body, and I sense through the body, but that doesn't seem to have anything to do with "I" or Awareness either. I feel that I would be complete Awareness even without the body.

So this is where I'm floating right now. I have friends who have been working on liberation who warn me of "crazy stuff" in the realization, but that has not been my experience. This is calm, welcome detachment. Very similar to a depression I went through several years ago, actually, but with some happy in it. Not bubbly, not emotional, just deep contentment. Can I do this forever??
BIG HUGS of Thanks,
July

[Derek]

Hi, July,

You're very welcome.

Your October 25 laughter is something I recognize. I call it "getting the cosmic joke" -- the realization that there's actually nobody there.

So let me see where you are on these four questions:

(1) Is there a "self" at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

(2) Explain in detail what the illusion of a separate self is and how it works.

(3) How does it feel to see this?

(4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion?

Derek.

[Karmic Eraser]

Realized on my walk this morning that I could have summed up everything I said in two words: No labeling. None happening, none needed, none wanted.

Now I have your four great questions to think about. Maybe another walk is in order! This is pretty cool.
Thanks,
July

[Karmic Eraser]

Good Morning, Derek.

I want to answer your 4 questions, as clearly as possible, according to how things look from where/what Is.

(1) Is there a "self" at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No, there is no "self," and there never was. If flotsam of thoughts clung together and "seemed" to form an island of belief, that doesn't make it an island or a self. Just as I cannot point to a yesterday or a tomorrow, I cannot point to a "me." There would have to be an Awareness and something/someone to be aware of, and there is only Awareness. That is the experience in this moment: no self, just Awareness.

(2) Explain in detail what the illusion of a separate self is and how it works.

Difficult to explain what it is, since it "isn't." The illusion of a separate self is nothing more than claiming authorship and/or ownership of thoughts, then labeling thoughts, organizing thoughts, and retaining preferred thoughts as "personal." Most preferred thoughts have to do with the body, avoiding pain and seeking pleasure. So the constructed self is considered to "belong" to a specific experiencing body. Awareness appears to deal out thoughts like playing cards, and then assigns each hand an identity. The illusion of a separate self is Awareness appearing to "identify" with thought, opinion, preference.

The separate identity seems to begin when we are small children, taking personal possession of some things and desiring others: my mother, my toy, good fruit, bad vegetables, so there must be a "me" who prefers them. We are taught very young that we are an identity with a body, a name, a family, a place we belong, that we will be comforted, and the mind runs with the concept very easily. Habit of mind, however, does not make it true.

The acceptance of certain specific thoughts requires the rejection of contradictory others, closing off experience, exposure, and the Awareness in general, narrowing Awareness into focus on those things it calls "mine."

(3) How does it feel to see this?

At the moment, it just feels free and clear, normal. Overall it has been a relief to not carry the weight of accepting and rejecting, labeling and fearing and resisting. It is so much easier to stand back and observe thought, perhaps act on some thoughts, but then let all of them go on by, like watching a river go by and taking an occasional drink. There is no need to touch every ripple or to understand each eddy; "I" can just partake and enjoy and move on. The internal life is quieter, more peaceful, less anxious.

(4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion?

Interestingly enough, after my initial "death" experience last October, I did feel compelled to explain a bit to my husband. I had no idea what the process would bring, and I wanted him to be forewarned of possible changes or rough patches. I brought him up to date when you and I started our conversation, and have shared snippets of understanding since then. Here's what I told him:

"What I'm trying to do with my spiritual studies is to stop living and deciding from the perspective of the ego. By ego I mean the limited personality, the collection of thoughts and opinions and memories that make up July, and will cease to exist when July dies." He got that, no problem.

"She doesn't really exist now. I could change my mind and decide to live as a man, as a communist, as a street person, and the July you know wouldn't exist anymore. So she doesn't really exist now; she's just a made-up, constructed personality-self in my mind." (Remarkably, he's still with me!) "But there's a part of us that is pure Spirit, pure Awareness, an Observer who watches the thoughts come and go and change. That part is eternal; Awareness will still exist after July dies. I want to live from there NOW, heart, Spirit, and not from limited, fickle mind."

He got it, actually. His first remark was how difficult it must be to do, and still function in the world. Good point. But that isn't true anymore. I get the sense that with all of the personality's choosing and preferring, planning and praying and avoiding, WHAT HAPPENS is still the same. I'm now simply watching it happen without the filters and labels of a personal self. What happens is only triumph or tragedy to the construct; Awareness doesn't care, doesn't choose, doesn't worry, doesn't dread.

He pretty much stayed with me up until the "I am only Awareness; I am just Life experiencing. No thinking required." That's okay; this isn't his thing. And though "I" can have no idea what will happen tomorrow or the next day, "I" will just observe and experience. Even thoughts will just be observed and experienced and not made "real."

So seeing and experiencing are very different from what they were when we started this dialogue. More like they were after the "dying" experience. Where do you take me from here, Derek? Flying??

Thank You, Derek. You've been so patient! I know I'm wordy, but I want to be clear.
Not-July

[Derek]

Hi, July,

No problem with wordiness at all. It's a joy to share this journey with you. (And of course I'm talking here about the "you" and "I" that are supposed to exist by social convention!)

You told your husband, "I am only Awareness." Is Awareness a "thing," and does it have any enduring existence, separate from everything else?

Look, and tell me what you see!

Blessings,

Derek.

[Karmic Eraser]

Only one question this time! Am I wearing you down, Derek?

Is Awareness a "thing," and does it have any enduring existence, separate from everything else?

Okay, I guess that's two questions! I would say that Awareness is not a thing, but it is a constant. Also that Awareness is not separate from everything else but includes everything else.

Another way to say that is Awareness is simple experiencing. Awareness is Life, the experiencing of everything.

That's my definition because that's all that I do, all that's really happening here: experiencing. So simple, so clear, I'm amazed that it wasn't obvious before. I call the experiencing Life, or Awareness.

Anything else belongs to the construct: naming, labeling, connecting, thinking, sensing. Because names, labels, connections, thoughts and senses are things. Experience is a very unique quality, isn't it? Like Life. I can experience the construct, I can live within the construct, but I cannot BE the construct.

Am I close?
July

[Derek]

Hi, July,

I do get the idea that you're close to freedom, but there's still some clinging to solidity, identity, and separateness. For example, when you say, "I can live within the construct." So let's look at that.

You said before, "It is so much easier to stand back and observe thought." Now, the work here on this forum is NOT about detachment or discovering a strategy to make life easier. It's simply an examination of that which is already the case. So I would ask you, what is it, if anything, that's standing back and observing?

Similarly, you said to your husband: "But there's a part of us that is pure Spirit, pure Awareness, an Observer who watches the thoughts come and go and change. That part is eternal." Does this supposed part exist outside of your thought-system? Is it a real "thing" you can point to?

Derek.