Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

[Selie]

“Unfortunately with the ‘i’ belief it’s different: unless I actively keep on looking the illusion of ‘i’ will creep up over and over again as soon as I am not looking and I will go back into my default self-identification in a flash... :-(

Is there an „I“ which is able to „actively keep on looking“, or is this another thing that happens on its own?
What if nothing is wrong with standard mode„self-identification“?
Which content has „self-identification“?
Is this more than a thought (word or image)?
What, if this would not vanish after the gate?

“A pretty special place to be, Actual Experience. ;-))

Is there someone "who is in" Actual Experience?
Is there anything outside of experience?

Back in semi-darkness again. I am struggling to find words to express what these questions bring up in me. I feel I am missing something again but don’t know what, that I have gone slightly off track again. I have not a single doubt as to the fact that there is no ‘i’ controlling anything but sometimes (like now) I cannot deny that I can locate an ‘i’ who experiences experience; it is just that, a ‘location’ but it is there, however subtly, so I am thrown by these last questions. For example, how can there be nothing wrong with self-identification when the whole point is to become aware that there is ‘no-self’? Your wise guidance would be much appreciated right now.

Thanks in advance. 🙏🏼

[barb]

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Look deep into semi-darkness...
Is „semi-darkness“ more than just a story, a thought?
There is no track to be on or off expect in imagination..
Is it true, that there is an „I“ which can be located and which experiences experience? Look gentle and benevolent...


A sense of self, like a sense of balance, can be a useful tool. An organism can orient in relation to complex environments, mapping danger and opportunity. There is a sense of self, but that is all it is. That sense remains after seeing trough the illusion, but you ultimately see through it as mind-created illusion.

Like a mirage .. you see something, go look, realize, ahh, that's just a mirage .. maybe you have to make sure a few more times .. but as soon as it's clear that it's just a mirage, you believe not anymore. You can still see it though :)

And maybe then sometimes a great amazement comes up how life can appear, even as sense of self....

If you look closely, it will be revealed that self, or sense of self, only resides in thoughts. Thoughts (or feelings like tension or something else) of a self do not point to a self, in the same way as thoughts of a unicorn do not point to an actual unicorn... :) To see, that there is no "I", means not, that there will be never tensions or difficult feelings... It means only the seeing, that this tensions or feelings belongs to nobody, this tensions and feelings are how life appears...

Keep looking at your daily experiences. Look for the moment the “I” label gets attached to a movement, to “doing-ness.” There is an experience, and the thought comes up, “I” did it, "I" experience this.... Watch out for this. Be like a detective, ready to spot it! Experience happens, and a thought labels it.....

And as always relax and take it easy!

:)

[Selie]

Thanks a lot - relaxed approach it is :-) I will let your words sink in and see where they take ‘me’...

[barb]

.

Wonderful...:)

_()_

[Selie]

Feeling stuck with answering your questions directly challenging the ‘i’ belief. A part of me wants to spend more time looking into it because it has seen glimpses and has acquired some compelling evidence of its lack of reality; but another part of me wants to resist further enquiry, taking a ‘i will not budge no matter how good your evidence is’ kind of stance.

The fact is that life for me has unfolded around the central idea that there is this ‘i’ that needs to be protected at all costs. Every choice that got made sprang from the belief in an ego and its survival & the critical need for the constant fortification of an armour (defence mechanisms).

Got to stop here and look where I am:

Things I feel totally in tune with:
- Now is infinite and timeless (all encompassing)
- life unfolds as it needs to - no controller, choice maker, free will etc...
- thoughts and emotions do not reflect reality (just concepts, labels, memories...)
BUT
When it comes to ‘I’ only being a thought- here there is a huge resistance to let go. The belief in ‘I’ doesn’t want to budge, it is staying put, even with its lack of substance exposed. I know it is very probably an impostor, i have seen through it a few times since the start of this process but still something in me can’t let go of it. This ‘i’ has been my whole life!! I can’t just let it go. Gosh, my whole life has revolved around this very belief!! Do I really need to let it go? What is the big deal holding on to it? As long as I know now that this ‘i’ is not as real as I thought it was, isn’t that enough? Like the choice being made of staying married to someone despite having evidence that they are secretly having an affair?

So here I am wondering: can I turn back now? Change my mind and go for the blue pill instead? :-/

[barb]

When it comes to ‘I’ only being a thought- here there is a huge resistance to let go. The belief in ‘I’ doesn’t want to budge, it is staying put, even with its lack of substance exposed. I know it is very probably an impostor, i have seen through it a few times since the start of this process but still something in me can’t let go of it. This ‘i’ has been my whole life!! I can’t just let it go. Gosh, my whole life has revolved around this very belief!! Do I really need to let it go? What is the big deal holding on to it? As long as I know now that this ‘i’ is not as real as I thought it was, isn’t that enough? Like the choice being made of staying married to someone despite having evidence that they are secretly having an affair?

Thats what we doing here: To see that the „I“ is only a thought.... And to look if thoughts have something to do with reality..
Looks like resistance in you, this is very common at some stages of the process. What if you look at resistance directly, and behind? Has it any substance?
Only you can say what is enough, and if you are satisfied.. The „I“ was never really there, and to see that it is an illusion changes nothing in life except the perspective..(o.k. It becomes a little bit more relaxing with time) To go through the gate means to see, that there never was a gate.. :)

So here I am wondering: can I turn back now? Change my mind and go for the blue pill instead? :-/

Are these wonderings and wantings to go back more than thoughts? More than stories? Has something really happend? Changed? Where and what is the place you want go back?


If you find it a bit difficult to examine your thoughts at this time, it could be fine to go through other exercises and leave the thoughts aside.
Or maybe you want a little pause?

It's up to you, and please be sure, every choice is good.. :))

[Selie]

After some more looking directly at the resistance...

The „I“ was never really there, and to see that it is an illusion changes nothing in life except the perspective..(o.k. It becomes a little bit more relaxing with time) To go through the gate means to see, that there never was a gate.. :)

What this brings up are the following thoughts:
- what a fool i have been spending my life protecting a self that was never there in the first place;
- what am I going to do with myself if I fully come to terms with the realisation that there is no self? My entire life is based on ‘managing my self!’

But I can see them as just thoughts now, just part of the flow of life; the anxiety has gone.

Are these wonderings and wantings to go back more than thoughts? More than stories? Has something really happend? Changed? Where and what is the place you want go back?

No, since looking directly again, the anxiety has lessened and I can see clearly that these fears are merely thoughts. And there is no place to go back to ;-)

So back to the question I was looking at before I started REALLY looking again:

Is it true, that there is an „I“ which can be located and which experiences experience?

Nope, I cannot see any ‘one’ when looking for an experiencer. And it’s not scary at all now that I see the earlier fear was merely a story. What’s coming up for me is the symbol of the river in Herman Hesse’s book ‘Siddhartha’ 😌

[Selie]

Hi,

Sorry for the 2 messages in a row, I’m on a roll ;-)

Here are the answers to your remaining questions:

That’s on one level anyway, the bigger picture.

Which level? Can you find any levels in actual experience?

Only one level: experience.

Is an „I“ which is able to „actively keep on looking“, or is this another thing that happens on its own?

Just happening. Flow flow flow....

What if nothing is wrong with standard mode„self-identification“?

Just an experience, a concept, nothing wrong in itself.

Which content has „self-identification“?

None, it’s empty of substance - just a concept.

Is this more than a thought (word or image)?

Definitely just a thought.

What, if this would not vanish after the gate?

That would just be something experienced, no big deal.

A special place to be, Actual Experience. ;-))

Is there someone "who is in" Actual Experience?
Is there anything outside of experience?

Ok I think I see the ‘flaw’ in my answer now. It is not about ‘being in’ but it, just being. So no there cannot be anything outside experience! Cool :-)

[barb]

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Wow! So beautiful.....:)

And no reason to apologize, write as much and as often you have the urge.. it is a great pleasure to read from you..

You had very great insights.. enjoy a little bit...


Let's take a look at the truth content of words / thoughts:

Sit at home with eyes closed. In your mind, imagine going to the kitchen and getting a piece of fruit (be sure to choose something you already have in stock, as we will need if after). 

Try to fully imagine actually going there, picking it up, the look of it, the colour, texture, smell, reflections of light. Then imagine biting into the fruit, tasting it, the texture, sweetness, sharpness, all the qualities. Imagine every aspect, make it as real as possible, and write the descriptions down..

Now open your eyes, and actually go to the kitchen. Take the piece of fruit out for real, and look at it, examine the colour, texture, smell, reflections of light. Now actually bite into the fruit and taste it, experience the texture, the sweetness, sharpness, etc.


Now look at your written words and imagine how you would describe the current experience.

Now ask yourself:

Do the descriptions have anything in common with the reality of actual experience?
Can a word, such as sweet or juicy, know anything about the reality of actual experience?
Can a thought ever know anything about experience in general?

Has a thought/word/imagination anything to do with direct experience? Can a thought anything know about truth/reality?

_()_

[Selie]

Many thanks

I did do the exercise earlier but when it came to expressing my experience of it, I just started getting frustrated and anxious again (definitely a pattern here) so I stopped and just looked at the emotions and thoughts unfolding. I felt no interest in their content so nothing came to obstruct their expression: just stayed with the experience of cursing, ranting, feeling anxious etc..

I will get back to you with answers to your questions when I have been able to settled down again...

🙏🏼

[barb]

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When such feelings are there, then try the next time to welcome them so friendly and kind as possible.. Give them a hug.. and say „Thank you that you are here for protection. What and where is it that you want to protect? Thank you again, you can stay here as long as you want...“ (But do not say that with the expectation that the feelings will disappear, mean it serious. Welcome the feelings like unloved children who are allowed to be as they are for the first time)

Try this if you want and be curious...

Much love :)

[Selie]

Hi,

Sorry for not being in touch. I’m afraid I am struggling with focusing on the exercise. For the past few days I just keep being distracted (or hit morelike) by the realisation that there is no ‘I controlling anything’. I’m still stunned and in a state of wonder (wow) by this realisation. I know we did the ‘is there someone choosing a number’ exercise at the very beginning but I still haven’t got over what I saw then (and see now). It keeps stopping me in my tracks several times a day and I have to look again and again, still dumbfounded.
It’s like I am having to rub my eyes over and over again, like I can’t believe what I am seeing, like “Really?! Am I seeing right, there is really no ‘i’ controlling anything, just life unfolding?!’ Rub-rub-rub, look again: nope, still seeing the same thing: just life unfolding. (Carry on with chores etc..) Then get stopped again. Rub-rub-rub, look again: where is that ‘i’ again? It’s got to be somewhere. Look harder. Nope, can’t find it. Look again. Dammit where can it be, could experience be obscuring it?! Then hahaha, what a good joke. Hang on, what am I looking for again?!” ...

On and on and on... 🤪

[barb]

<3

Ohh, dear Selie! So beautiful... :))
Keep on doing this... you're doing so well...

Maybe you want to go in nature, sit there for a bit, and watch how everything moves and wiggles, how the wind blows, how the clouds move. If you can’t go, a view through a window is fine too. People and animals move. Everything is one movement, including your body, breath, and thoughts. Watch the totality, and notice - there is no“noticer” separate from the noticing...
Enjoy it, enjoy the seeing of „there is no I“ …..

_()_

[Selie]

Yes i have been doing that a lot lately actually, looking out of the window onto nature...
I think I am ready for the next step, if there are some more that is.. :-]

[barb]

Did you clearly see, that there is no „I“? That there is no seperation, only Life life-ing?
How is it in your daily life if you compare with the beginning of this process? Tell me a little bit about it.. :)