My first sense of a real awakening was watching a Greg Goode video. I searched and located the essence of myself as behind my forehead. Then Greg asked:
“Are you that ball of meat – or are you that which is aware of the ball of meat.”
My reaction was mind-blowing.
“This, I thought, was the experience that the Sakyong Rinpoche was pointing at and that nobody really got at our Vajrayana retreat -- our fourth month long Shambhala Buddhist retreat.”
When the story is told how one got there – through this Gateless Gate - one realizes that it doesn’t need much: just a willingness and a question coming together at the right time.
Before that all pointing doesn't lead to anything.
So in driving to Sedona and when there, when a thought/emotion rose up “I don’t like this” -- the question arose - - “Who am I -- -- a bundle of thoughts/sensations centered in a ball of meat -- or infinite awareness. And does infinite awareness give a shit about this seemingly negative event?”
The answer was obviously NO – awareness is at peace with whatever arises. And I was able to giggle a bit at the ridiculousness of really caring about what that ball-of-meat self was conditioned to react negatively to.
At peace or neutral, yes, no judgement at all, all equal experiences, no real difference.
The story of the ball-of-meat self will go on, engaging in what is called a personal life – now with the knowing and relaxing into the new overview.
This process of having no “I” that cares is very different from my previous efforts as a Kiloby facilitator to dissolve the negative emotions thru inquiry – often healing/loving some inner child experience by looking at the related thoughts/emotions/sensations and finding they were not a threat or self.
Yes, we all who come from a therapeutic background of some sort realize how much easier it is to deal with emotion now. Without the self they don’t stick and lovingly embracing them is most often everything needed now.
Since we go more into Further investigation, I’d suggest you answer our set of questions for checking if we covered everything. I might have a question or two, or not. Let’s see.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
6) Anything to add?
Love,
Jadzia
