no next

[Steven257]

Stacy,

At a loss. Not quite sure what to write. The direct experience from memory today is watching thoughts, watching analysis (more thoughts), watching the feeling of seeming to be lost in thoughts again and again and again and not experiencing the bodily sensations and perceptions of the world because of being immersed in the story line.

Also, lots of awareness of all of this and suddenly the self is nonexistent because of an awareness of what is happening such as:

playing with the dog, feeling love for her, she is so incredibly cute!
listening to music and just hearing and getting carried off
and many other experiences
but,

At a loss for what to write as the direct experience seems to be Presence and there would only be hearing things, seeing things, etc.

Steven

[Anastacia42]

Good evening!

the direct experience seems to be Presence and there would only be hearing things, seeing things, etc.

Yes, that's it. Pay attention to *that*.

You write as if this is a theory. We want direct experience. You say "it would be." Is it or isn't it? Write instead what exactly is seen.

Wtite for me what you are experiencing right now using the words I and me. Get right to the point, no past or future fantasy, just plain description of here now.

Like this:

I am lying in bed. I am hearing rain. I am typing these words. Do this for 10 minutes. Watch the body; what physical sensations are happening?

Then for the next 10 minutes write what you are experiencing without the words I and me. Just describe the experience as it is happening in the moment, using verbs:

Waiting for next thought, typing, breathing, blinking, hearing rain. Again watch what is happening in the body.

Now compare these two ways to label experience. Write that.

You may feel a little naked without all that thinking.

Do you notice any fear associated with recognizing that there is no self?

Just checking in on that. Noticing it wasn't answered.

So close!

Stacy

[Steven257]

Do you notice any fear associated with recognizing that there is no self?

Yes. Worried that I will have to make changes in this life that will be difficult. Afraid of a drastic change.

So close!

Just read that again. Tears. Sadness. Still tears. Afraid my wife will walk in and wonder what is happening. Shutting off the feeling. Waiting for the next whatever. I have more tears again. I am looking out of my window. Just changed a few sentences to include "I" as that what part of the assignment before I not using "I" and "me". Immediate shutting down of feelings when I retyped to include "I".

I am waiting again. I am listening to music. Lindsey Stirling "Stars Align" on Pandora. Smiling as the song seems perfect for my mood right now. Tears again. I am wondering why? But moving on. Typing. I don't want to analyze right now. I am feeling a sense of exhaustion. I am looking at the trees outside again. They are gently swaying in the breeze. My lower back is hurting a bit right now. The song ended and I am waiting for the next song with expectation. Viola sound is so rich at the beginning of this song. Checking to see what song it is as I am curious. "Lux Aeterna". Typing. I know this song. I am feeling relaxed but a little sad...

Now, without the "I" and "me"...

Typing. Hearing sounds and song just ended. New song with a beat. Getting lost in the music but thinking about what is coming up and what should be typed. Realizing not "should" but "will be" typed. Waiting. Sadness and tears again. Wondering why. Thoughts arising. Sadness and tears getting squashed. Got up to close door as worried that wife will walk in. Feelings blunted. Annoyance. Sadness again. Thought of "no control". Very sad! Anger! Fuc@ing tired of all of this and for what! Sadness and more tears. Sick of it. Shaking head "no". So f ing stupid. Tears and worried my wife will walk in. Worried back will get worse and worse and will spasm like it did a few months ago when under lots of stress. Sick of worrying. Looked at clock. 3 more minutes of this. typing. listening to music. some tears. noticed no caps but getting tired. just listening to music. fatigue. lookng at ivy moving gently in the breeze. so easy for the ivy. looked at clock. shaking head "no". tired. tired of trying. clearing throat. annoyance. done.

Not sure why there is so much sadness with this but feeling of relaxation too. Just so tired of trying so hard for all of these years. Tears again.

Until next time,

Steven

[Anastacia42]

Good ... day... ( still a bit of morning here, but afternoon there)

Let's look Directly at the fears.

Worried that I will have to make changes in this life that will be difficult. Afraid of a drastic change.

Tears and worried my wife will walk in. Worried back will get worse and worse and will spasm

Seeing at least 3 fears:

1. Changes, difficult changes, drastic changes
2. Wife will walk in
3. Back will spasm

Today, pick one and look directly at the fear.

What is behind it? Is anything there?

Do all three, if you like, and have the time & if it's easy.

Just changed a few sentences to include "I" as that what part of the assignment before I not using "I" and "me". Immediate shutting down of feelings when I retyped to include "I".

Loving that thou *forgot* to type "I."

See what is meant, "close?"

Looking at tears, wonder this: is it sadness or is that a thought, an interpretation? Is it just tears happening?

Much love,

[Steven257]

Today, pick one and look directly at the fear.

What is behind it? Is anything there?

Nothing behind the fear in the case that my wife would have walked in. Can see that it is a false sense of self that is trying to hang on to its sense of control. That was easy.

When looking at the fear of drastic changes and back spasms, it feels like the body does not want to have a panic attack or physical pain, because both are so uncomfortable. Feels protective and natural. These two feel like there is something behind the fear, that there is a separate body trying to protect itself and not feel discomfort.

Usually, I am very proficient at uncovering feelings but today, it was difficult to meditate on this fear for some reason. Feeling frustrated a bit. Doubts that anything will change...that is common with me. Scientific background with some skepticism. Yet, I read New Yorker articles today which were perfect. They questioned the very notion of "self". Synchronicity that the magazine ended up being read today. I know that there really is no permanent self but feel that I will never deeply feel it so that it becomes a living reality all of the time.

Hope you had a good day.

Steven

[Anastacia42]

Good evening, Steven,

Kind of not possible to have a "bad" day without realizing that it's just a thought. It happens and then it kind of rolls off.

Seeing no self and getting lost in self come and go, back and forth for a long time after initially seeing. If your experience at 22 was seeing, and it may have been, you've likely been bouncing back and forth ever since.

This frustration, doubt and angst about it *can* motivate you to look very deeply. Let it serve you, rather than get in the way.

Know that you can LOOK at fears and back spasms just like we have been doing. You can see behind all of it. Sure, at one level pain lets us know to pay attention. Panic attacks tend to be about the past. There's an exercise that works for panic attacks that happens to be precisely what we do here at LU.

Why don't you come back to looking at the fear of change tomorrow?

Rest. You are doing fine.

Much love,

[Steven257]

Good evening Stacy,

Starting to feel, just a bit more, the realization that if there is no one controlling the thoughts, then that fear and the unpleasant sensations surrounding the fear of change are experiences to watch and not try to change. There is no one running the show to change anything anyway. Fear is just another experience that we learned to label "fear".

However, the above still feels a bit too analytical and I am not quite sure how to go about more deeply exploring what is behind the fear. I tried off and on all day, discussed it with a friend, but could not seem to feel anything deeply in regard to what is behind the fear.

The direct experience now:

Watching the feelings and imaging change. Not feeling much of anything. Frustration. A bit of boredom.

...Not quite sure how to explore this further. Still feel a bit stuck.

Thanks for your help as always,

Steven

[Anastacia42]

Good evening, Steven,

Feeling stuck - okay. Can you point to this feeling of "stuck?"

Is there an actual experience that goes with that?

Or is it a thought? An interpretation of a body sensation?

Can you find a direct experience that you are calling "stuck?" Are there body sensations? Name them - be very specific, like "tense stomach," "heavy eyelids," "short breath," or whatever you find. Things a body can feel - only.

Much love,

[Steven257]

There is the thought "is there fear of change?"

Direct experience right now:

Looking for feelings. Nothing comes up. Just received phone call. Talked. Back to the investigation. Thinking. Looking for fear. No fear coming up. Changing thought to fear of back spasms. Thoughts keep coming back to a somewhat codependent friendship I have with someone at work. Worried about her. Maybe she is angry with me. That is a stronger feeling right now. Investigating that. Fear. Heart racing. Imagining conversation. Fatigue. Thoughts about an argument. Anger arising. Thoughts arise then heart races. Sensing low hum in room. Deep breath. Work interruption. Spoke to friend. Listening to person speak in next room. Just spoke to another person. Breathing a bit more rapidly from the walking. Deep breath. Proofread. Investigating. Thinking. Analyzing. Frustrated by thoughts dominating experience. Deep breath.

Feels like there is a me that is doing something wrong and that you think I am hopeless.

Hope not!

Steven

[Anastacia42]

Good morning!

Relax. A comfortable sense of leisure is essential. What you are seeing is already there. You do not need to stress or try to create it.

No one is hopeless. Who is there to be a thought called "hopeless?" This isn't banter. It's more real seen this way. Your scientific, skeptical mind can be a help, if you will let it.

Noticing almost nothing you wrote answered the direct questions about the feeling called "stuck."

Not answering about direct experience *will* get in the way. About half of what was written was direct experience.

Can Direct Experience happen 5 minutes ago? Or even one minute ago?! No. That's a thought, a story about 5 or 1 minutes ago.

Can direct experience happen 5 minutes from now? No. That's a story about 5 minutes from now.

Report only now. Only Direct Experience. Only seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, tasting.

This is my Direct Experience:

Typing reply to Steven. Fingers on phone. Hearing click of typing. Backspacing misspelling. Coffee shop noises. Hearing talking, espresso machine, heels on hardwood floor. Seeing legs of person standing in line.

Let's look at language a little bit, too. Maybe that will help.

Language is a set of useful communication symbols. Let's look at how differently it can be used:

One category might be things like "leg," "dog," "food," etc. that seem to refer to something "seen."

Then there are also concepts like "institution," " university," "economy," that point to things that seem to exist but can't really be found in Direct Experience.

Last, there are things that don't exist at all and never existed, but we like to talk about them anyway: "unicorn," "Santa Claus," "dragon," etc.

Which category does "stuck" belong in? There is no wrong answer. Just answering.

Which category does "I" belong in?

Which category does "fear" belong in?

Much love,

[Steven257]

Stuck, I and fear are made up terms. Just like I can imagine a unicorn, it does not mean a unicorn is real. Direct experience right now:

Transcribing this into my phone. Listening to hum in the room. Holding the phone. Pressing the button to transcribe. Speaking. Holding the phone. Looking at computer screen. Sensing breathing. Feeling phone. Reading words on computer. Hearing person talk in another room. Moving foot. Finger resting against finger of other hand. Backspace to correct. Scratched neck.

Who is there to be a thought called "hopeless?

No one. Just thoughts.

Thanks,

Steven

[Steven257]

 "stuck" "i" and"fear" "point to things that seem to exist but can't really be found in Direct Experience". That may be more accurate than the last response.

[Anastacia42]

Hi Steven,

So, I know you "know" the answers in your previous post. Thinking, labeling sensations as emotions, these come & go.

What is your Direct Experience? Actually look. Right now.

Is there an I or me and has there ever been?

Is there a controller of the experience? Someone who decides?

What do you find behind fear, stuck, any of these frustrated emotions expressed? When you look and tell me your direct experience, what is there?

In this tiny moment, what is there?

Focus on the direct experience and say what you find, please.

Much love,

[Anastacia42]

stuck" "i" and"fear" "point to things that seem to exist but can't really be found in Direct Experience". That may be more accurate than the last response

Yes, more accurate.

We posted at about the same time. Please go ahead and reply to my post above.

You've got this. Really.

[Steven257]

I don't have much time to write and be specific about the answers. Will do this again later. I can say that while reading the questions, I started laughing and shaking my head in disbelief. So obvious. There is really nothing there! Laughing again now. Eyes watering a little. feeling of silliness. Hard to explain. Even the thing trying to figure it out doesn't actually exist. So silly.