The Gate

Is there I

When seen from the context of No “I” - there is freedom.

Initially there is fear. Fear of letting go of ownership of the thoughts. Fear of a (false) loss of control, of a (false, unwanted, yet comfortable sense of identity).

Acknowledge the fear, inwardly thank it for doing its job. It is protection mechanism from unknown. It's just a sensation. Next time you look at if there is an 'I' when fear arises look at fear and just let it be here. Respect it. Bow to it. Then look what is behind fear.

Right now ‘I’ am sitting in the woods. When looking at the trees if the thought “seeing if happening” is maintained, there is a freedom, a relaxation, a release of tension. Suddenly nothing seems personal and beauty is seen with a new clarity. There is a curiosity instead of a fear.

If you are still close to nature here is something for you to play with:

In the nature observe how everything moves and wiggles. Clouds move, trees swing, shadows, everything in in constant motion. Notice how thoughts and sensations are moving too. 

Can you find the line where you ends and out there begins? Is there a separate being that moves independently? Or everything moves as one unified energy? Is there inside and outside the movement?

What moves the clouds? Trees, the branches, this body? Is this body part of the whole movement?
Are thoughts and feelings part of the movement of totality? 

Play with these questions and write the report, what you noticed. 

Please let me know if this is on the right track. “I” may have questions.

Yes, great looking... direct experience or actual experience of 'thinking is happening' 'seeing happening' 'action happening' etc. is real and the more you notice it the more you will see that it is not happening to 'someone' separate from life.

Wishing you joyful holidays.
Sending love.

Can you find the line where you ends and out there begins? Is there a separate being that moves independently? Or everything moves as one unified energy? Is there inside and outside the movement?

Hi Alina,

I am just getting back to you briefly to let you know I am still working with this / looking at this. Right now it feels as if things are interdependent, and unified, but I am struggling to see it as clearly and integrated as I would like.

There is a somewhat felt boundary when I insert myself into the movement and yet ‘I’ know there shouldn’t be.

I try to be out in nature daily, so this has been my main objective.
I’ll give you an update in the next couple of days. Losing the line between where I end and out-there begins is something I want to fully feel.

With Gratitude
Samantha.

Hi Alina,

Are thoughts and feelings part of the movement of totality?

Yes. They feel like it they are. Intellectually it is all very clear and evident. But it is usually not something I can feel all the time. I am in need of help of how to feel it more than an occasional glimmer. If I’m even looking in the right direction. It feels more like the truth though. Here’s what I can feel:

It feels like all the scenery, the “outside” me, (and the processes inside me too) are fake (or pretend?) or false. Kind of like a dream, but even less solid than that. Like a play or some sort of choreographed production of which ‘I’ (thoughts, feelings, motions) am apart of. In that way all movement happens to everything and whatever moves the wind to move the trees also moves the thoughts and the moods. It’s all part of the movement of totality.

Is this body part of the whole movement?

Yes. It’s all interconnected. It’s part of the whole but hard to put into words.
There is also a sense of something that feels like recognition and a sense of unity. The boundaries start dissolving though its subtle and some days so very clear and evident; while other days it’s as if I am so far away from seeing the truth that I don’t even remember there is anything besides body/mind. On those days the thoughts seem to be fascinated by themselves.

I am surrendering without expectation. The mind runs its software script of expectations. Language also seems to build expectations. I am trying to feel, but not mentally label.

Then look what is behind fear.

I am starting to think there is nothing behind fear besides the program running in the background that starts it. Thoughts trigger feelings and sensations. This triggers more thoughts; all escalating to more and more fear. Usually over something nameless. Its stimulus response mechanism that is out of control and hence not useful.
That being said, it still stays. It still overtakes the experience of the moment it shows up in.
I bow to it, I have no choice but to respect it, I just don’t know when it makes sense to pay attention to it anymore. I don’t know if it’s really trying to tell me something in the moment when it appears or if it was just running on it’s own for an unimportant reason.

Enjoy the New Year Holiday!
With Gratitude and Love,

Samantha

Thank you for looking deeper into that and your detailed reports,

I am surrendering without expectation. The mind runs its software script of expectations. Language also seems to build expectations. I am trying to feel, but not mentally label.

Wonderful you are doing a great job... let the expectations be, just let them be without giving your attention or energy to them.

The boundaries start dissolving though its subtle and some days so very clear and evident; while other days it’s as if I am so far away from seeing the truth that I don’t even remember there is anything besides body/mind. On those days the thoughts seem to be fascinated by themselves.

Let those days just be as they are, where your attention goes life flows. Wanting things to be otherwise attracts more of the same. Would resistance to what is be the way life operates? Would life resist its own manifestation in the moment? Imagine you walk and there is a pond on your path would you resist its being there because you can no longer continue walking straight. Would the sky resist rainy days? See what happening when resistance arises, what is the root thought that activates it?

I am starting to think there is nothing behind fear besides the program running in the background that starts it.

Do you think there is nothing, or do you SEE nothing? How does this nothing sound, look or feel? Is it a silence before the mind kicks in with stories. So keep asking and looking, is there I? 
At some point you have to face it. There isn't I. There is no I to let go of i. There is no I as in zero.

Write what you SEE.

You've mentioned before:

There is a somewhat felt boundary when I insert myself into the movement and yet ‘I’ know there shouldn’t be.

During your next walk in nature, please have a look!

Where exactly do you SEE a boundary?

Please describe it to me!
What colour does it have, what material is it made of?
Where does it stand?

Is there an actual boundary?

Or is that just imagination?

Where do you SEE a boundary?

Write what feels absolutely true to you, 
Wishing you a year full of blessings & gratitude!

Happy New Year Alina!

Would life resist its own manifestation in the moment?

No - that is an excellent point.

See what happening when resistance arises, what is the root thought that activates it?

The thought that actives it is an immediate “NO.” The resistance is felt throughout my entire body. It is angry and the base of the NO is fear.
On the days when there is clarity as to the - no boundary, no self, there is no resistance. On the days that I am swept up in the thoughts and emotion, everything is resistance.

Where exactly do you SEE a boundary?

I can’t see one at all. It is purely imagination. There is zero evidence to suggest anything other than - all boundaries, felt senses and perceptions are anywhere other than - (for lack of a better term) - from “inside.” The assumption that there are boundaries are just history and mental programming. The problem is that it is so habitual to see things as separate and believe in an imaginary boundary.
It is part of the “stories” that perpetuate the boundaries.

Some days are very difficult.

I want to be able to fully feel it. Not as a mental concept but to feel it as a change in perception, does that make sense?
I will do whatever it takes for however long it takes to get there. I am grateful for you.

Hoping you and your family had a beautiful holiday season.
With Love and Gratitude,

Samantha

Great looking, let see into habit:

"The problem is that it is so habitual to see things as separate and believe in an imaginary boundary. "

I want you to STOP now and LOOK at what is here now.
Do not rely on previous insights.
Look completely afresh at experience.

And tell me:
What is it in actual experience, that has that habit?
Does "I", a thought, have that habit?
Can a thought have a habit?
What has this habit?

What exactly sees things as separate?

What in direct experience believes in a boundary?

Write what you truly see,
Sending love.

What is it in actual experience, that has that habit?

In actual direct experience, there is no habit, it is just pure perception. It is at the moment that a label is assigned to the perception that the boundary seems to begin. For example: when seeing “white and soft” there is no boundary. It is just perception, but seeing “white and soft blanket” there is a boundary that seems to get set up as “other” with the assignment of the label “blanket.”

What is it in actual experience, that has that habit?

Nothing

Can a thought have a habit?

I don’t know. No - but I cannot see it clearly.

What has this habit?

It would seem that “the habit” is just a random running of the script of attached thoughts belonging to nothing, but that the “I” has claimed ownership of.

There is a question I would like to ask that has been adding some confusion to my understanding of the no-self. I am going to try to make it as minimally confusing as possible.
I have been watching my interactions with others and contemplating the idea of thoughts as false self, habits (as discussed above) and what is holding me back from letting go and really feeling and experiencing that there is no “I”.

When I feel compassion, love or empathy for people, it is their false self, the self with the stories, humor, and joy and pain, that I love and have compassion towards. It is the personality (that I think is just a representation of their perceptions and programs) that I want to help or offer kindness to etc.
When I look at my cat and he is playing, or begging for attention, it is his “I”, his personality that I love. Not the real awareness behind the personality as there is an assumption that the awareness doesn’t need compassion or love, it is without need.

My question then is - what is it in actuality that I love, or have compassion for in others (or in myself)?
Since I am moving towards an understanding that there really is no self, is it strange or odd to love the no-self or the gross accumulation of thoughts and sensations that make up people? It seems silly to empathize with their suffering if there is nothing that suffers.
I am hoping for clarity that will help me break down the fears or resistances of letting go.

Hoping you are enjoying your weekend and staying warm!
With love and Gratitude
Sam

Great looking Samantha. Thank you we are getting some warmer weather, which much more enjoyable with two little guys. :)

My question then is - what is it in actuality that I love, or have compassion for in others (or in myself)?
Since I am moving towards an understanding that there really is no self, is it strange or odd to love the no-self or the gross accumulation of thoughts and sensations that make up people? It seems silly to empathize with their suffering if there is nothing that suffers.

Nothing is separate, awareness alone cannot be, it can only be aware of whatever it is aware of. The same way the other way around nothing could be without the awareness of its direct existence... there is no two. Now that being said being stuck for most of our life in the content of awareness it is freeing to pull back and temporary disconnect to start seeing more clearly from the uninvolved awareness or actual experience view. So in the light of our uninvolved presence awareing noticing starts to happen and liberation of conditioned thinking and identifications loosen up, deconstruct and no longer needed for functioning to continue to happen from a more aware free space.

Even awareness is just a way of communication! Is there such a thing as awareness in which things appear? Is awareness ever actually experienced, or is it just an idea, an abstraction? Does it actually exist? or is awareing happening?

What you love in others is not the illusion, or the misperceived separation with the world. What you sense and connect with is the personality, the energy and the character that life expresses itself as. That doesn't go it only might temporarily quite down in reorientation period but then its the same just without confusion, fear and suffering. The personality might become even more original and authentic / true / unreserved and undamaged... in other words free. Nobody is living life, life is living life.

In your direct experience when you are playing with your cat in the moment, cat being free of language does he looses his isness...personalty? Being free of that illusion is his body not knowing when to eat, sleep, play etc. ? Is he less him fully in presence, playfulness, softness? How different would it be for human not to act out of the innocent childhood assumption of being the body and the separate "self"? Would personalty be lost, would he not know what to do and when?

Is there a witness?
A looker, A see-er?
An understander?
What is here now?

Write what you honestly find,
Sending love.

Hi Alina,

I apologize for the amount of time that has been elapsing between my responses. It seems that life / or awareness or presence has chosen to try and see a deconstructed and liberated view at what is probably the most interesting or potentially difficult time it could. Without unneeded details - my physical life has been in danger in progressively worse ways for months. As I have never sort of felt connected to this body, that is not as much a challenge as is the releasing of the identification with the emotional and personality aspects of the “I”. (Hopefully that comes across clearly.)

It is an interesting process. I am not sure if the dire circumstances are a help or a hindrance to the process. There are definitely days when it is a huge hindrance, as I am too concerned with safety and filled with terror to be able to see the flow or the unity. Likewise there are days that I think it aids the process, albeit slowly...

I wanted you to know some of this, as many of my questions as to the nature of events (back a few months ago), came out of the desire to understand how life (or who or what) would create or invite circumstances like this and at the same time invite the challenge to be able to see the reality behind them. I still ponder your question - “Would life resist its own manifestation in the moment?” Is not the resistance also it’s own manifestations as well?

It is difficult at best to see or try to see that there are no boundaries when there is grave threat of physical danger. But if it can be done during this time period hopefully it would stay permanently.

I see much clearer now than I did months ago, but it is a slow climb with bursts that are not always sustainable. But, as promised, I am releasing expectations.

Nobody is living life, life is living life

Life living itself has a very strange sense of humor. It has exhausted this body-mind and it is difficult to see it as not personal in the sense that this “me” experience seems to be tuned in to one very specific type of experience or “life”, one of grave difficulties. As I look at the conditioning and programming that go into the choices, responses and filters of this body-mind, only some of it is explainable. Random happenstance outside of preprogrammed processes that threaten survival feel personal, and feel as if they are generated from “outside.” Yet that technically makes no sense as I no longer am sure if there is an “outside.” Is there an “outside”?

[Is there] A looker, A see-er? An understander?

A looker and a seer - no, I don’t think so. I think there is no separation between the act of seeing and the seen. As to the understander, I understand (just kidding) that things are experienced through a set of conditioned filters that create understanding that fits within the programmed condition. So no, there is no understander. Sorry if that’s confusing.

The personality might become even more original and authentic / true / unreserved and undamaged...in other words free.

Yes, there are moments when this happens. The staged play is seen for what it is and there is a sudden desire to experience all, good or bad as fully as possible. Those moments, though few, are beautiful.
I wish this happened more.

I hope the weather has been getting better and better by you and you and your little guys are enjoying it fully!

With Much Gratitude.

Sam

I forgot to add -

What is here now?

There is direct experience. After that there is direct experience with stories and conditionings layered on top of it. But right now, (and until the layers get addded on), there is only sense perception/ direct experience.

Sending love and gratitude.

Samantha

Hi Samantha, so sorry for the long reply...

I am very sorry to hear about the difficult time on your path. You can always take the needed time to take care of your needs, and when ready come back again to the forum and start fresh. Do nat feel the obligation to continue, only if it does help in making thing lighter and clearer and you are willing to continue our investigation. Please let me know.

There is direct experience. After that there is direct experience with stories and conditionings layered on top of it. But right now, (and until the layers get addded on), there is only sense perception/ direct experience.

Beautiful!

Yes, there are moments when this happens. The staged play is seen for what it is and there is a sudden desire to experience all, good or bad as fully as possible. Those moments, though few, are beautiful.
I wish this happened more.

And can 'I wish this happened more' be allowed in direct experience too, without resistance of the moment to be different than it already is?

Some moments are welcomed and some are resisted, is there a controller of the present moment? Can a controller be found?

Let's asses where are you at the moment, please answer from honesty and direct experience.

If it is clear that "I" is just a thought like any other.

If it is clear the there is no ego besides a thought about it.

If it is clear that the person you seem to be does not exist apart from a thought about it.

Sending Love and hug!

Hi Alina,

For now I’d like to continue as it helps make things clearer for me. I thank you for asking. If anything changes I will let you know, it just make take me longer to respond than it has in the past. I feel somehow that it is more important now to grasp this fully in a way that is not fleeting as it not only mitigates the suffering, but I feel enhances the point of the depth of the experiences of life that I may miss when clouded by the view of the fake self. If that makes sense...

If it is clear that "I" is just a thought like any other.

If it is clear the there is no ego besides a thought about it.

If it is clear that the person you seem to be does not exist apart from a thought about it.

It is clear, most definitely. It is more clear on some days than on others. It is when I lose direct experience of sensations and perceptions that are detached from thoughts, that I am most tied up in the belief of the conditionings. It is the thought-feeling cycle that gains momentum and drags me into it creating an ego and a self.

And can ‘I wish this happened more’ be allowed in direct experience too, without resistance of the moment to be different than it already is?

This is a truly excellent point. I had to read it a few times to let it settle but once it did - yes it can, and it is something I am really enjoying. For some reason this point really helps shift things for me.

Is the a controller of the present moment? Can a controller be found?

This question is giving me difficulty. I need help on this. It is the idea that thoughts/actions/ will comes up on its own as the software. I think that sometimes the software or the action or the thought does alter the present moment. But I’m not sure. I’m having some confusion with it.

Thank you for your patience with me.
I hope you have a lovely weekend with your little ones and I am sending you love and gratitude.
Samantha

Hello Samantha, thank you for the honest reply, I am glad it makes things lighter on your end.

Lets continue,

It is when I lose direct experience of sensations and perceptions that are detached from thoughts, that I am most tied up in the belief of the conditionings. It is the thought-feeling cycle that gains momentum and drags me into it creating an ego and a self

.

Isn't the feeling of being tied up in the belief of the conditionings is a sensation too? What makes it different for other sensations and perceptions like sound, visual and physical sensations?

and drags me into it creating an ego

What this 'me' look like? What colour is it? What makes it real? What is an ego/self look like? Is it really real, or there are sensations like contraction happening? Could it be just another belief we give our attention to? Can you describe how ego is experienced?

It is the idea that thoughts/actions/ will comes up on its own as the software. I think that sometimes the software or the action or the thought does alter the present moment.

Are thoughts/actions a part of the moment as it appears, or are they something separate? Where do you SEE a separation? Is there a controller of thoughts/actions?

This is a truly excellent point. I had to read it a few times to let it settle but once it did - yes it can, and it is something I am really enjoying. For some reason this point really helps shift things for me.

Wonderful! Remember upon seeing the truth - being back in the devision from time to time is very normal and natural, how can life liberate all of the beliefs at once, it needs to enter each one with greater awareness and spaciousness again and again until it is seen as no longer needed or serving belief.

So there will be moments & days of freedom and moments and days of contraction. But pay attention even in moments of contraction is underling freedom of isness gone, or is it always here to hold lovely without rejection everything, no matter what arrises?


Report what you find.
Sending much love.

Hello Alina,

I am hoping to continue where we left off. While my external life has not settled down, I am continually reviewing all that we had discussed up to this point. I realize I cannot continue alone and I also cannot or should not wait for things to calm down before proceeding.

If you are still available and willing to proceed, please let me know and I can pick up where your last note left off.

Hoping you are well,
With love,
Samantha