Where's that gate?

[jbardo]

Is there I at all? In what shape or form?

I'm stuck on there not being a solid or distinct I that I can point to and say, "there's the sucker!", but still feeling like it is meaningful to say there is an "I-ness."

Are awareness and content of awareness two different things?

In terms of experience, no. Again, the light analogy: we can't perceive light without an object (content), yet that doesn't mean light doesn't exist...it is just in its unmanifest or latent form, just as awareness without content is unmanifest/latent. Experience requires content.

This would also imply that "self-awareness" is the experience of content that awareness identifies with as "self."

[Artst]

Hi, Jonathan,

I'm stuck on there not being a solid or distinct I that I can point to and say, "there's the sucker!", but still feeling like it is meaningful to say there is an "I-ness."

This "I-ness," -- it a feeling, a thought, an image, a sensation?

Jonathan, consider that there really is no I at all.

I look forward to your reply.

Warmest regards,
Robyn

[jbardo]

Hi Robyn,
Before replying, just wondering: are you done vacationing? If you don't mind my asking, where did you go and where do you live? I'm in Hawaii (thus sometimes odd reply times), moved here about a year ago - so I tend to vacation near home! ;)

This "I-ness," -- it a feeling, a thought, an image, a sensation?

I would say that "I-ness" has components of all of the above. When I think "I", obviously that is a thought. On a sensory level, I is the body - the sensing self, so to speak. There is also the emotional component of I. So in that sense, I (or I-ness) is made up of different parts, each a different type of experience: thinking, feeling, sensing.

Now maybe none of those parts is "I"as much as they are avenues of experience.

Jonathan, consider that there really is no I at all.

I am reminded of a mirage. We know that there is no water, yet there appears to be water. The water is not, but the mirage is. Can we not say that just as there is no water, there is no concrete I, yet just as there is a mirage--the appearance of water--so too is there the appearance (or experience) of I-ness? And does it make sense to say that there is no I at all, when there appears to be, and all of us (or 99.99999%) experience an I?

I mean, again, I get that there is no concrete thing to point to, but to say there is no I at all...well, I can't just accept that on faith, because I experience "I-ness" in different forms: as thought, emotion, sensation.

All of these forms seem to be contractions of awareness - that is, when awareness narrows into a focal point, be it thought, feeling, sensation, image, etc. When I "consider that there really is no I at all," if I allow myself to really going into that, my experience broadens from contraction to a more expansive embrace of the totality; or rather, "I" dissolve into the totality, and the thought emerges "I am all." It also seems that what "I" am, on a fundamental level, is whatever is being experienced in the moment - the totality of my sphere of awareness. In that sense, "I" am merely a focal point of awareness, an aperture.

That said, this more expansive experience doesn't last. It comes and goes, generally coming through some kind of catalyst - perhaps reading a passage of some spiritual teacher, a contemplation, or being in nature or a sense of wonder. But then I go back into family life or work or whatever, and I return to habituated contracted pathways of experience.

[Artst]

Hi, Jonathan,

Yes, we got back on Sunday night from an ideallic Carribean cruise of the Dutch Carribean islands.I got completely spoiled!
I live in Austin, Texas. That's wonderful that you live in Hawaii - and of course you would vacation nearby unless you had a hankering to cross-country ski or some such. ;-)

Jonathan, I apologize for the delay, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can regarding your answer to my last query. Unusually busy.

Warmest regards,

Robyn

[Artst]

Good morning, (well, very early morning for you), Jonathan,

In my previous message, I meant "idyllic cruise." ;-0

I would say that "I-ness" has components of all of the above. When I think "I", obviously that is a thought. On a sensory level, I is the body - the sensing self, so to speak. There is also the emotional component of I. So in that sense, I (or I-ness) is made up of different parts, each a different type of experience: thinking, feeling, sensing.

Ok, so I is a thought. In what specific part of your body is I? What emotion is I?

It also seems that what "I" am, on a fundamental level, is whatever is being experienced in the moment - the totality of my sphere of awareness. In that sense, "I" am merely a focal point of awareness, an aperture.

Where exactly is this I?

That said, this more expansive experience doesn't last. It comes and goes, generally coming through some kind of catalyst - perhaps reading a passage of some spiritual teacher, a contemplation, or being in nature or a sense of wonder. But then I go back into family life or work or whatever, and I return to habituated contracted pathways of experience.

Are you expecting the realization of no I to bring about a certain experience of life?

Warmest regards,
Robyn

[jbardo]

Ok, so I is a thought. In what specific part of your body is I? What emotion is I?

Quite frankly, I don't know. I mean, I associate "I" with a kind of subtle tension, even anxiety. A contracted feeling. It is mostly behind the eyes, where "I" am (or seem to be).

Where exactly is this I?

Again, if I have to pinpoint a location, it is behind the eyes. I know there is "nothing" there, but it seems that's where I am.

Are you expecting the realization of no I to bring about a certain experience of life?

On one hand, I have no expectations, because I'm not absolutely sure what the realization of no I will bring. On the other, I must admit there is a hope and desire that it will dissolve a certain degree of suffering. I'd like to say that I have no hopes/desires/expectations, but that wouldn't be honest. I do.

[jbardo]

I woke up early this morning from a dream, a dream in which I "woke up" and was laughing and crying at what I "realized." This is what I wrote in response:

The Dream
I woke up early this morning from a dream in which I woke up. In this dream, I realized that I had been playing a great and endless game (or rather, not “great” but kind of silly). In this game, I was always trying to “edge in” to a solution, an answer, to understand the hidden, secret meaning. In this dream, I realized that there was no answer, nothing to edge into, no hidden or secret meaning. It was like I look a step back and really saw what I had been doing, and realized that I had been playing a trick on myself.

For years I have been trying to “edge in,” to find a back-door entrance (because there certainly is no front door!). I feel like I've been made a fool, or rather I've made a fool out of myself. There is no way in, because there's nothing in there! There is no secret (except, perhaps, that there is no secret!).

What a joke! What a great, big, cosmic joke! Except there's nothing big, nothing cosmic about it. It is so...mundane. Can this really be all there is to it? (And what is it? There is no "it," just a fabricated game, a trick I've been playing on myself).

There is nothing to be realized (except that there is nothing to be realized). It is a kind of...no-realization. I look around, and there is only existence. It is self-existing. Awareness is merely the “light” of the universe that allows for it to be known, to be experienced...for it to know itself. There are subtleties and different ways to look at life, but it just flows. Life is. I am not separate from this. I am this life.

The secret is that there is no secret – just life, the world, the ALL.

First, mountains are mountains. The world of a child, of a simpleton.
Then, the mountains are no longer mountains – the Great Search commences, looking for the Secret. What are the mountains really?
Now, just mountains. And a laugh.

I cannot search, I cannot seek, I have seen that there is nothing to see (except that there is nothing to see). There is only life – to be enjoyed, to be experienced, to be…

There is no “me,” no experiencer, only what is. Only the experience. Nothing to attain, nowhere to get to.

I feel like I have been duped. I have duped myself. The Great Con!

A child's toy with no solution, a riddle with no answer – except to reveal that there is no answer.

What have I been doing all these years?

It is like one of those Magic Eye pictures, where if you look at it just right, you see a hidden picture. But the thing is, I've been looking for the hidden picture. There is no hidden picture, there is no secret. There just is. Sure, there are different ways to look at life, different meanings to glean, different hidden pictures. But life just is. If the hidden picture is hard to see, if it can only be seen then lost, then it is just a way of looking. It is not “it.” “It” is realizing that there is no hidden picture, no one, final, true way of seeing...no "It!" There just is – just life, ongoing, flowing, the Great Mystery of existence itself. Yet it is not a mystery to be solved. It is a mystery to be enjoyed.

Maybe it is OK to seek a solution, to solve it, to try to figure things out. This is all part of Lila, the divine play. But as long as one is looking for a solution, one is missing that it is not a riddle. The riddle is a fabrication of mind.

I feel...silly, like the child who realizes that the puzzle he's been given has no answer, but it is something he was given to occupy himself with (or in this case, gave himself - gave myself), and in playing this riddle, he has further removed himself from life, from play. It is a dead-end street, a game without end. The dog chasing its own tail.

Is it really this simple? Can it be? I almost want there to be more, and I feel twinges of wanting to search, ...shouldn't there be some secret, mystical truth? Some great, divine revelation? This feels so mundane, and I worry that I am tricking myself into thinking that I have discovered some great, final secret - that there is no secret. But the thing is, this doesn't feel like anything added, anything revealed...just something falling away. A seeking, a searching, a riddle to be solved, a game to be played. The twinges feel like echoes, remnants of an approach that no longer holds me. I feel like I've looked behind the curtain at the wizard, and there is no wizard. There's just life.

[jbardo]

A bit more (sorry for the deluge, Robyn ;)).

I want to make clear that I don't feel "enlightened." I don't feel particularly different, just less anxious to "figure it out." I also don't think "I've got it," just that something subtle fell away or dissolved (or is dissolving). The dream felt quite powerful and significant, yet also not anything special at all.

I was a more focused "seeker" in my 20s, but gradually put it on the back-burner in my 30s, perhaps because parenting and establishing a career became the primary challenges. But the seeking has always been there, on the back-burner, simmering away, and in a sense siphoning off energy. There was some part of me that felt like I couldn't really live until I "figured it out" - until I became enlightened, then I could really do what I needed to do in this life, be of service, be a good parent, etc.

So I think what was revealed in this dream was the degree to which the seeking was still there, simmering away, and also how self-defeating it was/is, that it doesn't lead anywhere. Again, this doesn't man that I think I've "arrived," but more like I'm seeing a loop I was caught in, a kind of addictive cycle.

Now it may be that if this deepens, it could have further implications - I don't know. For instance, my sense is that the cycle I've been in, is the very nature or activity of the separate self, and its dissolution means that "I" am not a separate entity, but part of the world process, of life itself, and thus there is no "I" in the sense I thought there was.

In other words, and to sum up so you can have a life outside reading my ramblings, I feel like there's a subtle shift that happened, yet could have further implications. I'm not sure yet. I'm going to sit with it, explore it a bit.

[Artst]

Hi, Jonathan,

Life is. I am not separate from this. I am this life.

Regarding all that you wrote, encapsulated in the above quote -- Wow! Fantastic!

In other words, and to sum up so you can have a life outside reading my ramblings

LOL! Reading what you wrote in the past several hours has been a complete joy, Jonathan.

I feel like there's a subtle shift that happened, yet could have further implications. I'm not sure yet. I'm going to sit with it, explore it a bit.

Beautiful.

I look forward to hearing more when you're ready.

Warmest regards,
Robyn

[jbardo]

Hi Robyn,
I have been busy moving house the last few days. I will write more when things settle down a bit. Jonathan

[Artst]

Hi, Jonathan,
Thank you for touching base and letting me know. I wish you ease with your move.
No rush - write when it works for you.
Warmly,
Robyn"

[jbardo]

OK, time to get this going again - we're nicely settled into our new home ;).

Not much has changed. What I experienced almost two weeks ago is not unusual for me, although to varying degrees...that one was on the "biggish" side in terms of deeply-felt impact. But it faded, or rather, I contracted back into habitual responses within a few hours.

I am definitely faced with my expectations and underlying desires: I want some kind of transformative experience that is lasting and doesn't just feel like a temporary state of release. I yearn for being free from my habitual responses of stress, fear, frustration, suffering, etc. Maybe that is unrealistic, even a bit...entitled? But is it unreasonable to think that some kind of liberation from suffering is possible?

Part of me questions whether the whole "no-self thing" is a bunch of hooey, another form of delusion. I mean, I feel that I get the reality that there is no solid self, no "me" to be located, but on the other hand it doesn't seem to have any impact on my day to day experience and level of suffering. But I'm going with the likelihood that this means I just don't really get it beyond an intellectual level, or at least not deep enough. But who knows.

I don't even feel like I have grandiose ideas of what "enlightenment" (or whatever - liberation, realization, etc) is, at least not anymore. In small but relatively frequent moments I experience great clarity and simplicity, just being with what is, not trying to fabricate anything, or escape, or be anywhere or anything other than...this. Like waking up from a hazy dream -- or, to paraphrase T.S. Eliot, returning home and seeing it as if for the first time. This is usually brought on either through meditation, reading something, from some contemplation, or just out of nowhere, although it usually requires some kind of "triggering event." The experience is one of lucidity and a subtle but powerful sense of release and freedom...freedom from the dramas, the self-perpetuated suffering of the samsaric mind...and really, freedom from the self, from feeling like I am separate from the totality. There is a sense of release, of "ahhhhh...."

And then something happens. My daughters squabble, I'm pulled back into this or that drama, anxiety, fear - marital strife, fear of global crisis, stress about money, etc. All the usual human stuff. For whatever reason the two contrast; I can't bridge the gap, bring them together: that sense of simple freedom and release on one hand, and all the stresses and dramas of being human. I think this is what the Buddhists call emptiness and form. The Heart Sutra: "Form is emptiness, emptiness is form. Form is not other than emptiness; emptiness is not other than form." I get it, but either A) I don't really get it, or B) "getting it" is overrated, and the whole spiritual thing a big scam. ;)

Right now I'm sitting on my porch enjoying an 85 degree Hawaii afternoon, with a gentle breeze cooling me. My younger daughter is watering the plants, and my older daughter is humming softly inside. There is nothing wrong, it is almost perfect, even. Yet there is a palpable tension in my chest, an accumulated ball of stress, anxiety, fear, and resistance, that is ready to rise up and attach itself to whatever triggers it. And yet the breeze blows, the green fronds of the areca palm next to me gently sway...and the coil of energetic suffering lurks within me, waiting for the opportunity to be reborn.

Back to Buddhism: it feels like this is the lived experience of samsara: the cycle of suffering, of life, death and rebirth. What is "reborn" and "lives" is that energetic creature. I have glimpses of something else, of a simplicity and clarity that exists outside of the cycle, and I even realize (intellectually) that ultimately there is no difference between the two--that form is emptiness, emptiness is form--but I can't reconcile the two. So I find myself "seeking" and longing for those moments of grace, the lack of which only adds to my suffering.

So that's where I'm at. Not sure where to go from here.

[Artst]

Hi, Jonathan,

It's good to hear from you. I'm glad to hear your move to your new house is done.

I want to reassure you that, at this stage, it’s ok to be flipping between the two states of drama and peace. It will take a while for the clean-up process to complete itself — in fact, it could take years (sorry ;-) rather than days. In terms of your relationship to the drama, you can start to view it just as you would relate to good movie drama, zooming in and out of being immersed in it. Just like when you watch a drama, you know it’s on a screen, yet identification with characters and emotions happens. It’s available at any time to zoom out and see that it’s really a show.

Jonathan, your experience is perfectly fine and expectations are normal. In every moment, you can see that expectations are tensions or thoughts about what should be different from what is. So, you can see and start letting go of them, one by one.

As my guide told me, be gentle with yourself.

Warmest regards,
Robyn

[jbardo]

I want to reassure you that, at this stage, it’s ok to be flipping between the two states of drama and peace. It will take a while for the clean-up process to complete itself — in fact, it could take years (sorry ;-) rather than days.

Well I can relate to that, because "it" (the flipping between drama and peace) has been happening for years already, although what seems different now is that the contrast between the two has been less tolerable to me. Maybe I'm growing exhausted with the drama, yet at the same time I think on some level I still choose to go back into it like a junky!

In terms of your relationship to the drama, you can start to view it just as you would relate to good movie drama, zooming in and out of being immersed in it. Just like when you watch a drama, you know it’s on a screen, yet identification with characters and emotions happens. It’s available at any time to zoom out and see that it’s really a show.

Yeah, I've played with that in the past. Maybe I need to be more diligent in terms of consciously "zooming out." I've had the experience of realizing it is just a movie, but I keep forgetting and getting lost in it. I think part of me hopes for a final experience in which I fully and totally realize it is just a movie and never get lost again, but maybe I just have to accept that it is an ongoing process.

Jonathan, your experience is perfectly fine and expectations are normal. In every moment, you can see that expectations are tensions or thoughts about what should be different from what is. So, you can see and start letting go of them, one by one.

Yes, this makes sense. I keep coming back to this place that every thought--and I mean every single frickin one--seems false, like a seductive delusion that pulls me in, that I get lost in, and that pulls me away from what is. In fact, it almost seems like my life is an ongoing experiencing of oscillation between this mental entrapment, then a "popping" out into what is, on and on, again and again. And yes, I realize that I'm always in what is...that it can't be any other way, but when I'm in a thought it seems like it is reality, rather than an altered version of it. I mean, ultimately I think all thoughts are just that: altered states of consciousness.

I think the analogy that works best for me to describe this is that of soap bubbles. A bubble forms, I get enraptured within it and see the world through the soapy membrane, and for a time forget that there's a bubble...and then it pops, and there's open space and lucidity, so simple and clear and nothing special, but also subtly exquisite - like the deliciousness of cool, fresh water when you're thirsty or clean air after being in smog. But then another bubble forms, and the cycle continues, on and on. And of course some bubbles are harder to "pop" than others!

But sometimes, the bubbles just arise and they're not a problem...I see them for what they are, they come and go and are even entertaining, to be enjoyed as different ways to see reality from. In fact, I'm no stranger to the joys of the imagination - I'm working on a series of fantasy novels, so love to play in imaginary worlds. But the difference between these and the "reality bubbles," is that my relationship to the imaginary bubbles is playful and creative, whereas the reality bubbles are often "hard work" or "marital strife" or "financial troubles," etc. And perhaps more importantly, the difference is that I choose the imaginary bubbles, but feel compelled into the reality bubbles.

Now when one of those reality bubbles comes up and I can see that it is just that - a bubble, a thought, a belief around a certain issue - it doesn't have the same heaviness as when I'm just in it and don't realize it, if that makes sense. For instance, let's say I get a speeding ticket (hasn't happened in decades, but it works). For a moment, there's the reality of the loss of money, and that feeds all the other stresses I have about finances and the monetary realm. When I realize the bubble, it doesn't seem to matter and I even laugh. But sometimes it is hard to recognize the "bubblehood" - especially when it triggers something deeper, like a kind of primal fear/stress energy...it is almost like I'm being threatened.

When I am able to come back to a place of recognizing the bubble, the feeling of being threatening abates, even disappears.

I think I'll try to play with this process more consciously and intentionally. Writing about it, I'm struck by the degree to which I "forget" that different thoughts are just bubbles; I'm struck by how asleep I am most of the time!

I'm reminded of something Gurdjieff once said: "When you realize you're asleep, you're half awake already." So if that's true, how to get from being "half awake" to more fully awake? Maybe I'm just trying to bypass the ongoing process work of facing and popping those damn bubbles! ;)

As my guide told me, be gentle with yourself.

Thanks. I'm not always good at that!

[Artst]

Hi, Jonathan,

I think the analogy that works best for me to describe this is that of soap bubbles.

The bubbles analogy is very clear to me.

Jonathan, it takes time for bubbles to explode. Here are two of my favorite slow-motion videos of bubbles popping. (Ignore the ad and the "how to" stuff...)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4BByh4zrWs

http://gizmodo.com/watch-these-giant-bu ... 443819973

You're doing great, Jonathan. There's the realization and then the settling in.

Please keep letting me know how it's going.

Warmest,
Robyn