Emptiness is the track on which the centred person moves. - Tsongkhapa.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Iain,

Nice exploring.

Poised. That's a good word. I like it. :)

Keep exploring and feeling into that space of waiting to discover that quiet and effortless peacefulness, to discover how different thoughts seem when they show up without the burden of being "mine", but only thoughts to respond to, or not. Not to ignore, or push away, or have some reaction to, just thoughts doing what thoughts do, like birds doing what birds do.

Enjoy your holiday. :D

With much love,
John

[IainB]

Hi John,

I've been aiming to keep on track recognising that every opportunity to see who is not there between the thoughts, points straight towards there being awareness, but no Iain.

There can be a pull to engage with old patterns...the familiar. My agendas, my fear responses, old strategies to satiate my needs, my hurts and their apparent 'causes'. Sometimes this is powerful and saps my 'awareness' energy.

At times there has been a joyfull returning to awareness...delight bubling up. As you guided: treating thoughts like birds. There's a readiness and willingness to go deeper with this clearness, but also a wish to not push it and risking making it a me thing. As you say: effortless.

Anyways...having a go at keeping that peacefulness and what it means at the forefront of things.

Love, Iain

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Iain,

I've been aiming to keep on track recognising that every opportunity to see who is not there between the thoughts, points straight towards there being awareness, but no Iain.

Ok, let's twist again, like we did last summer. :D

You have opened up to this space that was there all along. Funny isn't it, how we miss the obvious, so close we can't see it.

There's no rush Iain. At the same time, we mustn't lose intensity.

Looking out the eyes right now, is felt to be a being that is, in some way shape or form, you.

Do you sense that?

love,
John

[IainB]

Hi John,

I continue to look for me. I've had a couple of moments of clarity. A joyfull seeing how language and labelling have made and sustained me, and how this could be seen through. Later, some clarity around the ways Iain seeks to make this process something for him to go through, something he can achieve, and how this is rediculous as I'm actually looking to see he's not here. Reading some of the GG book has helped this.

At times Iain appears as more solid. There can be a pull towards that easy acceptance that the dull familiar sensation in my chest which persists as thoughts pop in and out is somehow me. When I look towards it becomes slippery and elusive.

As you guide, looking out of the eyes now there is an immediacy and simplicity to there being no me. I'm still bogged down with a lot of me at times though.

Love, Iain

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Iain,

I continue to look for me.

Don't continue. Either look or don't look.

I've had a couple of moments of clarity. A joyfull seeing how language and labelling have made and sustained me, and how this could be seen through. Later, some clarity around the ways Iain seeks to make this process something for him to go through, something he can achieve, and how this is rediculous as I'm actually looking to see he's not here. Reading some of the GG book has helped this.

Yes, utterly ridiculous - unless somehow we can pin a badge on a fiction.

At times Iain appears as more solid. There can be a pull towards that easy acceptance that the dull familiar sensation in my chest which persists as thoughts pop in and out is somehow me. When I look towards it becomes slippery and elusive.

It's called laziness and falling for the status quo. Don't worry, you're not special in that.

As you guide, looking out of the eyes now there is an immediacy and simplicity to there being no me. I'm still bogged down with a lot of me at times though.

You're in a forest of 'me'. At times, a glimpse of light shines through, and shows the trees to be transparent. But then who would you be without the forest for protection? Scary.

Don't try and escape 'me'. Be bogged down. Sit in this bog of 'me'. And then ask this 'me' to show itself - RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

best wishes,
John

[IainB]

Hi John,

I look for Iain and what appears are the syllables of my name, like energy passing through my mind, but these are no more me that any noise. The life from which my experiences come isn't reliant on any name, any label would do. Similarly, with the syllable me...its appearance in my mind: I can't find a me underneath it. Sensations are present, but these keep changing.

Difficult thoughts have a tendency to come up, and there is a lot of hurt, fear and anger that indulges in circling around these. Part of my mind wants to buy in and perpetuate this pain, and seaminly make this a part of me. A painful sense of me feels crystallised, alongside a distressing need to fight for me.

My face appears and there is recognition. Can I really have been confused by me for so long, that there isn't a self attached to the shape and appearance of this lump of flesh and bone?

Thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts have made this self, fueled by fear and laziness.

Love Iain

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hey Iain,

Happy Friday! :)

I look for Iain and what appears are the syllables of my name, like energy passing through my mind, but these are no more me that any noise.

Yes, noise is a good word.

The life from which my experiences come isn't reliant on any name, any label would do. Similarly, with the syllable me...its appearance in my mind: I can't find a me underneath it. Sensations are present, but these keep changing.

Yes, ever-changing. To grasp that quality of ever-changingness. Wow!

Difficult thoughts have a tendency to come up, and there is a lot of hurt, fear and anger that indulges in circling around these. Part of my mind wants to buy in and perpetuate this pain, and seaminly make this a part of me. A painful sense of me feels crystallised, alongside a distressing need to fight for me.

Good work Iain. It is indeed a crystallised 'me'. And my sense is, you feel the fraud in that. And fighting for me, is fighting the assumption that I am this fraudulent social persona.

My face appears and there is recognition. Can I really have been confused by me for so long, that there isn't a self attached to the shape and appearance of this lump of flesh and bone?

Rather than the term 'self' which is really an abstract concept, what you have done - as we are all taught to do - is to personify experience. To make up a me, and immerse in it. This made up me has a sense of permanence about it, which only a concept could have! For as you have seen, there is that ever-changingness quality. The two do not click. Why might that be?

Thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts have made this self, fueled by fear and laziness.

Good work Iain - we are all lazy arses. :D

Keep on it.

Much love,
John

[IainB]

Hi John,

New thoughts, new flavours to me, pleasant memories, distressing ideas of others in my life, anxieties, plans, checks that all is in place and seemingly under control...a never ending cycle of me that in truth has no me underlying it. It's familiar, with a very easy tendancy to 'buy-in'. As you guide...I ask this apparent me to show itself again and again.

I've gone down the road of believing the fraud of Iain as a well-worn furrow. At times I'm submerged. I relent, and to try to see otherwise seems impossible, and my awareness of the truth is intelectual only. At other times there's a lightness: the truth of never a me is there to be seen.

And fighting for me, is fighting the assumption that I am this fraudulent social persona.

I have a tendancy to scrabble to hold onto me, and serve its interests. This is rarely a pleasant set of thoughts...at worst it's gross anger towards seperate 'others' out there that aren't doing what I want. At best, my thoughts and plans feel tainted that I'm tasking myself to work for something I'm confused about, and I'm ultimately on the wrong track. It's as though it may be easy to respond to the needs coming up, but ultimately I'm rather fumbling in the dark, when there is a greater truth out of sight that I'm looking away from due to fear and laziness, and the misapprehension that its a battle to see the truth.

So ever changing experiences + forces to construct a me = resulting concept of me with its continuity and permenance. As you guide, only this concept could appear as permanent, crazy considering it's based on the ever changing gumph thrown up by my mind. The thoughts are real, the me isn't. I'm a mistake...totally at odds!

Too many words...Iain. Look.

Love, Iain

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Iain,

New thoughts, new flavours to me, pleasant memories, distressing ideas of others in my life, anxieties, plans, checks that all is in place and seemingly under control...a never ending cycle of me that in truth has no me underlying it. It's familiar, with a very easy tendancy to 'buy-in'. As you guide...I ask this apparent me to show itself again and again.

You have to go straight for its throat.

I've gone down the road of believing the fraud of Iain as a well-worn furrow. At times I'm submerged. I relent, and to try to see otherwise seems impossible, and my awareness of the truth is intelectual only. At other times there's a lightness: the truth of never a me is there to be seen.

Iain, its cool, it is progressing at the ideal pace.

I have a tendancy to scrabble to hold onto me, and serve its interests. This is rarely a pleasant set of thoughts...at worst it's gross anger towards seperate 'others' out there that aren't doing what I want. At best, my thoughts and plans feel tainted that I'm tasking myself to work for something I'm confused about, and I'm ultimately on the wrong track. It's as though it may be easy to respond to the needs coming up, but ultimately I'm rather fumbling in the dark, when there is a greater truth out of sight that I'm looking away from due to fear and laziness, and the misapprehension that its a battle to see the truth.

It's fine Iain. This is par for the course. The struggle is absolutely key. Rather than framing it as a search for truth, explore the frame of seeing more clearly. Same direction, less pressure.

So ever changing experiences + forces to construct a me = resulting concept of me with its continuity and permenance. As you guide, only this concept could appear as permanent, crazy considering it's based on the ever changing gumph thrown up by my mind. The thoughts are real, the me isn't. I'm a mistake...totally at odds!

Please - you are not a mistake. A persona, 'me' isn't a mistake. You are naturally good as a raindrop, the cry of a buzzard, or a newly popped pea.

'me' is a real illusion. But, knowing this doesn't help. Let's make small steps towards seeing it.

Imagine sitting in a cinema. The film screening is: 'A Day In The Life of Iain'.

Sit and watch Iain go about life. Watch him. To begin with you will be drawn into 'watching Iain" and forget totally that this is unique human being with no name.

So instead, spend some time watching this human's physical movements. There is no 'Iain' in these movements at all.

Now, put 'Iain' back into the show, back into the body on the screen.

Notice the difference. Switch between.

Share any discoveries.

Best wishes,
John

[IainB]

Hi John,

I've returned to familial surrounds, and familiar patterns. Lots of racing thoughts, well trod defenses and a big lump of me!

The pleasant sound of music enters my mind...familiar surrounds. This triggers familiar feelings and thoughts but these can arise without having to build upon a me. They can just come and go.

The struggle is absolutely key.

This is reassuring, I will keep on this!

'A Day In The Life of Iain'.

I'm not totally clear on this. Watching my close up movements does give me a space, removed from the thought of me. Movements I have previously attributed to Iain could in fact be anyone's movements. There's no more me in them, than in anyone else's movements. I repeat this exercise.

Love, Iain

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Iain,

I've returned to familial surrounds, and familiar patterns. Lots of racing thoughts, well trod defenses and a big lump of me!

The pleasant sound of music enters my mind...familiar surrounds. This triggers familiar feelings and thoughts but these can arise without having to build upon a me. They can just come and go.

Just in case you have slipped back into trying to find and maintain some 'special state' mode :) - we're not doing that.

'A Day In The Life of Iain'.

I'm not totally clear on this. Watching my close up movements does give me a space, removed from the thought of me. Movements I have previously attributed to Iain could in fact be anyone's movements. There's no more me in them, than in anyone else's movements. I repeat this exercise.

Yeah, its like watching on the screen 'Iain' doing what 'Iain' does. Sometimes helps to get a clearer sense of quite how conditioned is the behaviour of 'Iain'. Not for judging, but informing, observing. We never judge, only observe and learn.

Best wishes,
John

[IainB]

Hi John,

I've not posted for a while so really want to move forward and see more clearly.

A day in the life of Iain

Iain behaves in predictable ways. Iain follows certain patterns. When Iain is hurt, he recoils in anger. When he has an opportunity to get what he thinks he wants, he pursues it vigorously. Iain is the product of experience layered upon experience, thought built upon thought, a construct that has taken on a life of its own, self perpetuating me-ness.

When I stop for a moment and look, I can see between these layers and see the gaps. The thoughts pour out, but come from nothing but other thoughts.

Love, Iain

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Iain,

A day in the life of Iain

Iain behaves in predictable ways. Iain follows certain patterns. When Iain is hurt, he recoils in anger. When he has an opportunity to get what he thinks he wants, he pursues it vigorously. Iain is the product of experience layered upon experience, thought built upon thought, a construct that has taken on a life of its own, self perpetuating me-ness.

When I stop for a moment and look, I can see between these layers and see the gaps. The thoughts pour out, but come from nothing but other thoughts.

Yes, so you see, 'Iain', bless 'him', is a social construction. Like watching repeats of Scooby Doo, 'Iain' goes about each day playing the same 'Iain' riffs.

The point is not the habitual patterns, but identification with these patterns. Like making a snow man, we gather up regular feelings, thoughts, that 'inner voice', and make our very own 'Iain' or 'John'. Stick a carrot for a nose, and we'd be almost there!

I've not posted for a while so really want to move forward and see more clearly.

What do you want to see more clearly?

Thanks,
John

[IainB]

Hello John :-)

I’m effortlessly addicted to the patterns of this Iain. Thoughts roll around in my mind while I’m asleep then as soon as I wake the predictable wakeful version begin their daily routine.

Each day, a gateway opens inviting me to follow the easy routines of me, with all its highs and lows, fears and joys, as one thought jumps to another there is a sense of me desperately grasping on to make some sort of continuity.

I want to taste that utter ordinariness of all being in place, just with the illusion of self no longer surrounding things.

All can stay in place: reactions, responses, likes, dislikes…but I would like to be freed from being a slave to them…from believing in a me holding them all together and being the source of their perpetuation.

Love, Iain

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Iain,

I’m effortlessly addicted to the patterns of this Iain.

Who are you when not being 'Iain'?

Thank you,
John