Dearest Bananafish,
Here are the answers...
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
Simply no. There was a story that assumed the role of a certain "i" or "me" or "self", but it is a thought. So there wasn't ever a separate entity as an "i", there wasn't, in fact, a subject of any actions...
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
I don't know exactly when but at some point in childhood, there must be a moment when separation comes as a concept like "i" and the rest of the universe...
this separate "i" is a heap of stories that have accumulated from that point on... it could have been a completely different story under different circumstances, within a different context of parents, experiences or interactions... it's like a software that assumes an identity, which in fact is just a story..
and the "i" is in illusion that it functions, it thinks or has a certain character or is a doer of things or is the object of others' actions, or simply an object to whatever happens... therefore other millions of ideas and feelings come along... realizing that this "i" is illusory multiplies all these millions of ideas and feelings directly associated with the "i" by zero. there is no doer, and there is no object... everything is just is... everything happens...
the way i see now, "i" is only a linguistic referential necessity, a grammatical item. the feeling of this is immense because seeing this is like losing gravity, once there is no "i" that assumes an identity life is flowing by itself as if in a non-gravity room :)
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
it feels liberating :)
it feels light :)
the difference is vast. really don't know how to put these into words. there are differences as to how i perceive life and there are differences in everyday routines as well..
it feels like there could be no control over what happens, and once this kicks in there is absolutely nothing that can be done, to be completed or to be achieved by a certain "i". so i just do things... i lose myself in doing things, without any expectation of an outcome and then, for example, dusting the shelves becomes meditation :) everything is random, thoughts, emotions... just watching them come and go, like clouds entering my vision... sometimes there are many, sometimes there are few...
one of the most profound changes is this, everything is ok. many thoughts are ok and no thoughts are ok too :)
there is no labeling as to what needs to be done in terms of work or deadlines, and in fact there is no labeling of anything at all...
all the notion of success, achievement, failure or "i did it" looks void...
and also this feeling surfaces in the most unusual ways; i realize that my tastes have changed, i have developed an appreciation of silly things, the things that used to attract my attention doesn't bother me anymore.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
That exact moment, i have shared with you Bananafish... "...the wind just blows"
Looking at the bush on the slopes at the seaside. Seeing that they have different shapes than the bushes away from the sea... these ones had different shapes because of the wind.. the wind didn't happen to them, the wind just blew...
i feel, this exactly resonated with the feeling of "being an object to whatever happens" within... before i had an understanding that "everything happened to me" and so "i" had to be this way or that way, "i" had feelings associated with everything that happened to "me"... that's why that moment of realizing "the wind just blows" was so deep... not only "the wind just blows" but also there are trillions of other things happening simultaneously... the leaves fall, the sun rises, the cat meows, the car stops, the glass breaks, everything... and there is nothing in particular that happens "to me", or that happened "for me", or that happened "because of me"... once the subject "i" drops, everything just happens by itself :)
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
all illusory, decision, intention, free will, choice and control is only possible through an established perspective of "i". once there is no doer there can't be any decisions or intentions...
there is a randomness in the way things happen. we have a tendency to find results, patterns or ways of perception to explain the way things happen in life, "i do this and because of what i did, this happened" and this resides everywhere, it creates multiple emotions...
but in fact, all happens by itself in total randomness, as for example one day the wind blows and the next day rain falls and the next day tidal waves cover the bushes on the seaside...
at no point one particular bush comes out and says "hey, it's because i decided to be here at this slope, i have to go through all these wind, rain and water" :) it just happens without control, decisions or intentions...
we are under the illusion that we control things happening, even the thoughts... they come and go, irrelevant...
as for responsibility... the same as above... we can be only responsible for bringing out our disposition as human beings... even then, it will happen by itself without any efforts attached to it.
6) Anything to add?
so much to add and nothing to add at the same time.. so just love and peace
endless thanks
