Looking for a guide

[Paulette]

I wanted to respond a little more completely to your last post. I read it quickly and shot off a response during my conference period at work.

I realize between work and being a caregiver to your husband that doesn't leave you a lot of fee time, but I'd like to urge you to set aside 20 minutes every day to do this exercise.

Actually, last week I was suffering from a bad head cold too, I'm pretty used to my life and manage to carve plenty of down time into it.

Michael, I understand that you are not sure if I passed through the gateless gate, but I know I have. I was already pretty doubtful that my thoughts and stories were me coming into his investigation with you, but the exercise where I watched my thoughts really helped me see that thoughts are just thoughts and there is no I in charge of any of them. And the exercises where I opened my palm, helped me to understand that there is no I in charge of my actions, actually I had seen this during an earlier exercise, but it reaffirmed it. The experience that most helped was the one where I named sight, sound, thought etc. this exercise had the, perhaps unintended consequence, of helping me to see that life didn't need to have me in charge of it. I had a little fear hanging in there for a bit, but without a job to do "I" just left. I would be happy to do the exercise you gave me today, because I can see the value of shifting between alert attentiveness and story. But I am not sure I can answer the question "which feels most like me?" can I get lost in the story? Absolutely, at least for a time, but it does not feel like me. And alert attention does not feel like me either it just feels like experiencing.

There really is no specific experience of no-self there is only a process of elimination that eventually leaves you with... well, you will have to find yourself, but to do this you will have to look at every little bit of doubt that stands in your way. Don't settle for less, don't settle with a logical understanding.

I am not aware of any doubt, the shift has been very quiet but feels very real to me. Logical and to the point communication is a habit, I want to be precise, maybe my precision has ironically clouded my message.

[Sleepwalker]

Paulette, At the end of the day it's about you seeing things as they are. It's very common for it to be a gradual process and no grand event, it was that way for me as well. You seem comfortable with what you see, so I'll ask you the final 6 questions.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
6) Anything to add?

Please answer each question individually and with some detail. And make sure you provide some current examples from experience in questions 5. Thank you, Michael.

[Paulette]

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

There is no separate self anywhere, or in any way, shape or form. It was not destroyed or uncreated during this process, it never existed.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

How I see it now is that it is a natural part of human development, something in the way we are wired, the conditions that arise. The belief serves us, it seems to work (until it no longer does), it is reinforced by many things, the thoughts and stories that seem to be ours and appear to be located in our heads, the intricate patterning of experience that has us jump to the conclusion that there is some I making choices and altering the world. The illusion goes something like this, I think a thought, that thought leads to some volitional action, I change the course of reality. It goes around reinforcing itself, even though it doesn't always work, we persist in believing, or we try to figure out how to make it work better, or we question the wrong things, this can go on for a very long time. This is the best answer available right now, I tried to draw off my own experience, and look at what were some of the false beliefs that were seen through during this inquiry.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

At first the difference was very subtle, in fact, if I only knew it had happened when I saw there were no more questions and no more doubt. This morning I had a good laugh when I saw the sink full of dirty dishes, I remembered the saying "before enlightenment chop wood carry water, after enlightenment chop wood carry water." And I thought it very funny that for me it was "before enlightenment don't wash the dishes, after enlightenment don't wash the dishes." FYI the dishes got washed before the breakfast was prepared. The difference has become more obvious now third day in, it feels much lighter, without an I to be bothered, overworked, guilt-ridden, treated unfairly, overlooked, misunderstood, and on and on. I still might feel some of this momentarily but it doesn't stick around without any belief to hook itself to. Everything is a lot more fun.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

As I wrote before, it happened when I was driving and labeling thoughts and sensory experiences and there was a realization that life REALLY COULD be trusted to take care of itself. My belief in a separate self, steering my life, didn't disappear in that exact instant, but I know that was what allowed the belief to relax and take the hands off the steering wheel.

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

I haven't got much experience moving through life in the absence of and I, so some of this feels confusing to me, there is no I to make decisions, have intentions, exhibit free will, choice or control, but there is no feeling or fear that "important" shit won't get done. Decisions and choices seem to get made, but I don't make them, actually as a teacher, so many decisions are made in succession I'm not sure how I could have ever believed that I was responsible for them, judging from my experience (it feels happier, my kiddos seem happier and more cooperative, even the tougher nuts) better decisions are being made 'cause I'm not gumming up the works anymore.

6) Anything to add?

Yes, thanks! This feels so sweet.

[Sleepwalker]

As is customary other guides have reviewed our conversation and we would all like to Welcome You through the Gateless Gate Paulette! It's been a pleasure being here with you.Werner Nower or one of the other admins will be contacting you via PM.

You'll see that you have a message at the top in the blue user control band.You will be invited to join L/U Aftercare which I recommend because this is just a beginning. This is optional but It's helpful to have a support structure in place to discuss any integrating issues that may arise.

From there you can join L/U Central and the Direct Pointing forums , which are geared to guiding if you are moved to being involved .

All of the above are administered on Facebook so if you don't have a FB account you'll need to open one. It's free and easy to do. Let me know by private message above, what your Facebook name is so I can let Werner know, and from there you will need to friend him and he can then give you access to the group or groups. They are not public forums.

Again it's been a pleasure. Michael.

[Paulette]

Michael- Sent a PM, let me know if you did not get it. Not sure if I understand how to use the messaging system on the forum.

[Sleepwalker]

Got it, all set!