thank you

[Katrijn]

Hi Sarah

Nothing is bothered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO DOUBT!!! At least, no one to have doubt. Doubt does appear.
What remains is everything, literally everything. Including the story of me. Ha!
R.I.P. self

thank you so much for showing up in this story

[Sarah7]

So then Katrijn
Ready for some final questions? Take as much time with these as you wish and answer in as much detail as needed. I will then check them over to see if there is anything I have missed and then show the other guides to see if 'I' have missed anything if that is ok with you?

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
6) Anything to add?
Big hugs Sarah xxx

[Katrijn]

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No, no. If I still believed it, it would be really convincing though!

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion is a story: thought after thought after thought referring to another thought (“I”). There is “things happening” and then there is thought about it and how it all relates to a me. The I starts with thought. Without the thought story, no me to own any of it. No owner, and also no controller. Bumper sticker: shit JUST happens.
How to describe it fully? ...
The body is sort of integrated with the self through more thoughts (my body and my back and my pain and my teeth), which makes the whole construct more convincing. It is so freeing to not “have” a body and to just experience one instead.
The separate self is a thought. Anything else trying to describe it seems to make it less clear or into more than it really is. I am not here typing this until I think and believe that I am here typing this. It is just a question of belief. So there can be thinking, thinking, thinking, but that doesn’t lead to there being a self doing the thinking. I used to believe the thinking (and not being witnessing awareness, whatever that meant) was proof of a me still in the picture! NO, it was and is just thoughts.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

There were less and less “yes, buts”.
Yesterday afternoon at work just sort of glided along. It is all still happening, but none of it sticks. Yesterday a drawing of the view from my window came out because the purples were purple between green (my colleague didn’t understand and said I had drawn the weeds). It is very hard to describe. Before, the I would have immediately been on a trip about making a “good” drawing and producing something worth the effort, and doing its generally neurotic thing.
And this thing about thoughts being “on the periphery”: being there, but not taking center stage. Don’t know how to describe that either.
It’s just that now it is clear. The “I” knew all of this, but the questions brought it into actual experience. So simple. It feels free, unburdened. Not “happy” actually (this seems important). Just lighter.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

Not sure exactly. There was the stuff about planning thoughts being stories about the future. There was the bit about not being the witness, but the witness as just another thought/feeling/experience that comes and goes. That had really been a strong belief before. And fear just being yet another thought.
Then the experience of applying for a job that literally just happened, and just knowing/seeing that there was no one doing that. And not identifying with the image in the mirror. Seeing just a “face” there.
In all the nonduality books, I was always reading, reading. And they were all saying: you’ve got to see this for yourself, you’ve got to LOOK. And I would think: ja, ja, really good point, and then NOT look.
Here, somehow the not looking turned into looking. Perhaps having to write it down, perhaps the simple questions, perhaps the friendly invitations to just look.

5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

This is very funny :-) No, no, there is no control. Not even the looking here is willed. The past few nights there was a lot of getting up at night and feeling the body move to stretch a stiff back without having willed anything --- the thoughts in a sleepy state seem to come more slowly, so there was this amusing “gotta stretch my back” WAY too late after the deed was already being done.
And talking to people at work. There is NO idea what I’m going to say until I say it. But every time, something is said and it all seems completely normal and functional. But it is irrelevant whether “I” am thinking or not. It is irrelevant what “I” want to achieve or sound like or come across as. The mouth speaks and something is said. Most of the time it seems relevant to the situation at hand.

6) Anything to add?

This “service” is invaluable, especially because it is anonymous. There is no need to “be” someone, which helps to see there is no one. Also, gratitude for this free help without a hidden agenda.
Thank you Sarah, for just happening.

[Sarah7]

Hey Katrijn
Thanks for that! Will see whose about and be in touch as soon as possible! OK. Hugs Sarah xxx

[Sarah7]

hey Katrijn
One question for you from question 3.

You: The “I” knew all of this, but the questions brought it into actual experience.

What is this 'I' that knew this?
Hugs Sarah xxx

[Katrijn]

hi Sarah,

the language is difficult!
All of this was already the case, it has always already been like this, nothing changed.
There is no "I" that knew or knows anything. It just IS.
It seems almost impossible to write a sentence that makes sense about this.

[Sarah7]

Thanks Katrijn.
S xxx

[Sarah7]

Katrijn
Am Pm-ing you as we speak!!!!!
Hugs Sarah xxx