Dear itstopshere,
Thank you for your reply!
Here follows my answers to the questions:
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there is no separate or "real" entity as "self", "me", "I" or any other existence anywhere, and there never was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of separate self is based on a total misconception caused by assumption and belief without any closer investigation of its validity. This assumption and belief start at a very young age through social interactions with others. So, If I were born and then grown up totally alone in a desert island, I would not have developed the sense of "I", since this sense of "I" is created in relation with "other" people. Through your experiences, you gradually come to identify yourself with your body, thoughts, feelings and the sense of being, and believe that you are a separate entity/person that has or made of the body, thoughts, feelings and the sense of being. Also, many people feel as if they are "inside" the body. There is also another cause to this misconception and that is names (language). By acquiring and getting used to use language, you gradually come to believe and feel as if words are "real" things and that they reflects truth and reality. So, most people come to rely more on words and the content of them than the actual raw experience without a label or concept about it.
But actually, words are not equivalent to "reality. They are like a shadow of reality, only describing ABOUT the reality but not reality itself.
For example, if there is a piece of chocolate in front of you, you may think "Oh, this is chocolate, looks yummy". In this case, we can say that the piece of chocolate in front of you is "reality", but the name "chocolate" or the thought "this is chocolate" is not, it only refers to the "real" chocolate. You can´t touch or eat the word "chocolate" or the thought about the chocolate.
Words have another "tricky" character, which can give you a false perception or notion of reality. Many people take the word, for instance, "walk" (verb), for granted and don´t even question what this word really refers to. It feels like as if there really is something one concrete and independent phenomenon called "walk". But actually, there is no such thing as "walk" exist; "walk" is only a concept for a series of phenomena consisting of body/legs moving and body going forward in a certain way.
Like verbs point to a series of phenomena, it´s the same with nouns too. For example, there is nothing concrete and independent that is a "body". A body is a name for a series of colors, shapes and sensations appearing, and you just call it as "body" as if there is one real such thing. So, in reality, all the "body" parts are made of colors, shapes and sensations only and those various arisings combined together appear as a "body". So, those visual and other sensations give you an impression as if there is a concrete and real "body".
The same applies "I". The word "I", points to a series of phenomena consisting of colors, shapes (that looks like a "body"), sounds (what is regarded as "voice"), thoughts, feelings and sensations combined, but there is no separate and independent existence "I" for real. So you can say that "I" is like a phantom produced by the body, thoughts, feelings and sensations combined all together. Many people get deluded by this and believe for sure that there really is separate "I", and identify themselves with this phantom, which in fact does not exist at all in reality. This can be said is the beginning of suffering.
There is another misconception/delusion related to the false notion of separate "self", i.e. the false notion and perception that there is "me" and "others" or the "world" out there. Firstly, there is no "I" as stated above, and what it appears as "me" or "my body" is made of colors, shapes and sensations, no real substance. Likewise, what it appears as "other people", are made also of colors, shapes and sensations. So, actually, there is no other person existing. In my personal case, for example, my mother passed away long time ago. As a "common sense" (now it feels more correct to call it as "deluded sense" or "ignorant assumption" instead), it seems as if "my mother" existed, but actually, only certain colors, shapes, sounds and sensations were appearing, and I regarded and called the "gathering" of those arisings as my mother (by believing that there was a separate and real person) for a certain number of years, but there was no real substance or mother or any existence actually.
The same applies other "things" in the world and even the world itself. All these are made of colors, shapes, sounds and sensations. There is no thing that is distinct, solid and independent.
And the distinctions between "me", "others", "animals", "buildings", "world" etc are not real, it´s only a thought stating there are these kinds of distinctions, but these distinctions are only imaginary, only in thought. When you feel as if there are distinctions between an apple and an orange in front of you, for example, it is not based on your real direct experience. In reality, only colors and shapes that looks like an apple and an orange are arising, only that, nothing more or less, and they can´t be divided in reality, but a thought comes in and states "this part is apple and this part is orange". This seeming distinction is only imaginary.
Furthermore, those colors, shapes, sensations and other kinds of arisings are not anything independent and they don´t exist as objects. These arisings can´t appear without consciousness/knowing of it, because they are the same thing (they are like different aspects/names about the same coin). For example, if there is a book in front of me, it means that I am conscious of it but at the same time, you can say that this very consciousness has "produced" what it looks like a book in front of me. They are the very same thing and inseparable.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
In a sense, nothing is changed, but EVERYTHING has changed. A huge change! I have been jolted totally during the past few days by realizing all those things like the illusion of separate self, no distinctions between "me", "others", and the world, no free will or volition, no distinction between subject and object etc. There have been physical changes (stress and tension in the body dissolved hugely, the contraction I had felt in the upper chest area dissolved and disappeared completely), everything (including body) feels so light and transparent, and even personality and the way of feeling have began changing quite much. Before, I was very sensitive and worried about too much in detail, but now, I take things lightly. I had always felt a sense of "not-fitting anywhere" and had a feeling of being "cut" from life itself, but now I just can´t believe how I could feel such things and been suffering for such a long time! I can laugh at it now lightly and with compassion. Furthermore, more understanding and compassion to others, even to those who appear quite different than "me" and those who are on other paths.
Nowadays, I just smile and laugh often without any reason. Whatever I do feels totally OK and interesting.
Before, at first, I wanted to know my real self, so I sought and sought in order to find a new, "true" self. I had believed that there must be a concrete and separate "true" self or "soul". Thereafter, after having a glimpse of "no-self", I came to identify myself with Awareness/Consciousness. Discovery of the Awareness/Consciousness was a kind of liberating in a sense, but dualistic perception and sensation remained. It was as if I as Awareness/Consciousness here was observing others and things in the world out there. But now, everything has dissolved, there is no one observing or experiencing things, only experiencing is happening. No distinction between subject - event - object. All are one and the same.
And before, when I first had a glimpse of no-self, the impact was so huge that I was so eager to speak about it to anyone, whoever I ran into (what a nuisance!), but now, I don´t feel like talking about what has happened during the past few days so actively, only with those who are interested in spirituality or "truth seeking".
I re-read some first posts of our dialogue and was surprised at what I wrote. I can´t believe or even imagine now that I had so much anger, confusion, fear and desperation! They are all gone! Life feels so natural, effortless, kind, alive and immediate. Light and transparent. And everything feels OK just the way it is, since even if something "negative" would happen, what would actually happen then would be only some kinds of feeling (hurt feeling, sadness etc) arising, but only that! There is no one to get hurt and it is nothing fearful with that, it feels that that kind of feeling or sensation only arises and dissolves into "air" without affecting anyone!
And everything feels perfect and complete, since there is no time (so, no past or future, no end or beginning, no change), no birth or death, no cause & effect. Everything feels so still, calm and peaceful. But at the same time, paradoxically, everything is alive and changing nonstop! So amazing! Also, there is even no "real" and "illusion" anymore. On one hand, there is something "real" and "illusional" in a sense, but on the other hand, there is no such distinction actually and they both are one and the very same thing: "reality".
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
The reason why I came to be drawn to direct pointing was because I had got exhausted by my previous approach. Before, I had a kind of "image" of what the world would look like when the perception would shift to nondual one, so I tried very hard by force to train adjusting my vision and feeling to my image of nondual perception. However, no matter how sincerely and diligently I kept training, "the shift" didn´t occur. So I got totally exhausted by this approach. Then one day, I came to notice that what I was doing was only trying to adjust myself to some kind of image, even though I was saying that I wanted to know the truth. So, I decided to discard any image of how it would look like when I got to know the truth and to come back to raw and direct experience instead. This lead to this forum.
And during the guiding session here, thanks to the wonderful guide Itstopshere, there were many comments and pointers that "rang the bell" for me, but the most profound ones that made me really look and realize "reality" were following pointers provided by Itstopshere:
1. "Surely feels like "you" do that, does it not? But that is just a conditioned interpretation of a sensation."
This was really eye-opening and helped me several times seeing through the automatic process of interpreting things based on long-time conditioned patterns.
2. "What would a thinker be? A thinker would be some kind of little man in your head choosing thoughts...".
Thanks to the expression "little man in your head", I understood what I would look concretely. This made me realize that there was no thinker at all, only thoughts were popping up spontaneously.
Furthermore, this helped me directly to see through the illusion of separate "I". At first, I just thought "Yeah, it feels for sure that there is "I", my true self, is here. It feels something strong in the upper chest area. A kind of true self, maybe a soul, is hidden there". But then, the above phrase about "little man" popped up and I noticed that what I was doing was only assuming without any investigation. If there really was "I" in the upper chest area as I believed, there must be some kind of little man sitting there. So I took a very close look at the chest area. Just looked and observed without any "spiritual" knowledge or hearsay. Then, I saw clearly that there was no such little man there!!! It was only a kind of contraction, a kind of sensation felt there. It made me realize and laugh that I had believed that this sensation was "I". I had just been taking it for granted for my entire life that the sensation felt in the chest area itself was a proof that some kind of hidden true ME was located there, without any closer investigation.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
We tend to believe that we have free will because we feel that we can decide and do things intentionally. For example, if you decide to breath consciously and begin breathing intentionally, it normally feels as if you breath by exercising your volition. But actually, it is only a conditioned assumption and interpretation of the event. If we look closely to this event, first, a thought "OK, I will now breath" arises, then breathing happens, and then a thought pops up stating "See? I took a breath volitionally". But in fact, the thought "OK, I will now breath", the breathing, and the thought "See? I took a breath volitionally" are all independent arisings and can´t influence each other. "I will now breath" is only a thought that comes right before breathing, only that, and there actually is no connection between this thought and the actual breathing happening right after. As they follow right after (first the thought of decision and then breathing, which matches the content of the prior thought), you automatically and falsely conclude that there is a connection (cause and effect) between these arisings and feel as if the breathing happened because of your own prior thought/decision.
Normally, we feel also that we can choose and control things. Many people feel uncomfortable or fear if they hear someone stating that there is no free will or control in whatever you do in your life. People mistakingly believe that the ability of choosing and controlling is the key to safety.
But if you investigate carefully, we realize that we actually are not choosing or controlling things. For example, you are not growing your hair with volition, hair is just growing (or "hair-growing" is happening). You are not choosing when a digestion process begins or the amount of digestive fluid used for the coming digestion process. These are done automatically, i.d. digestion process is just happening.
Furthermore, you can´t know what the next thought will be. You can´t decide or control not to think of anything negative from now on through entire life. The verb "think" sounds so active that it gives you a false impression as if YOU are thinking volitionally, but there is no "I" or someone existing and there is no choosing or controlling of thought as stated above.
Since you have no free will or control as seen above, you don´t have any control over your life either. Life just flows left to right, goes to wherever it goes, spontaneously and unpredictably.
However, we sometimes think or imagine that certain things could have been differently in our lives or about the world´s history. But actually, there is no way to have been different. What has led to what it looks like today is the only way and possibility. For example, while I was playing with my friends tossing the ball back and forth when I was a child, it happened that the ball I threw went wide and hit the neighbor´s glass window, which got broken. I was scolded harshly by the neighbor and after I went home, I couldn´t help but keep thinking "Aaa, if the ball went more left or at least a bit lower, it would not have hit the window". However, in this way, even though it might seem to exist different possible ways if you rely on your imagination, in actual reality, there is one possibility only. How the ball will fly in the coming moment is not predictable for anyone, but there is only one way; the way it actually turns out to be. Each event is like this, only one possibility in reality. So, even though it might seem to exist different ways and possibilities with the way of events happening in life, in reality, there is only one way.
Therefore, since there is no one who chooses or controls things in reality, there is no responsibility for anyone (in addition, there is no one existing in the first place...). Things are only happening in a perfect way without anyone controlling or managing.
6) Anything to add?
It has been only a week since this guiding session began. It´s truly amazing and unbelievable that all these things have happened during such a short time! This is the most condensed and fruitful period in my life. I am so fortunate to have found this forum and been guided by itstopshere. I really can´t thank you enough.
In the future, it would be great if I could help others here in return, for example in Japanese and/or Swedish, when the right time comes!
Again, thank you so much!!