Precious Sarah,
I'm trying to answer as well as I can, and am happy to answer anything you wish to ask, and also delighted to continue these exchanges if you feel it's appropriate!
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
Here is the current perspective: I KNOW there is no separate "self" at all, and that there never was, I KNOW this, but honestly, I cannot say that I FEEL that the sense of a "self" has actually disappeared or does not still pop up regularly - yet I'm aware that this "self" is not REAL, and I feel that the awareness is deepening. So, in any shape or form? A sense of "self" does seem to still be there, to be 100% honest. But again, I do KNOW that it's not real, and this allows me to remind myself of the truth over and over as various situations arise.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of a separate self is the perception that there is a separate entity which personally sees, hears, feels emotions and sensations, etc., and therefrom makes choices/decision and controls "life." The separate self starts up based up an identifying "I-thought" which continually takes false ownership of whatever "happens." The labeling and attachment of the "I-thought" to all experiences and sensations creates and perpetuates the illusory sense of an individual experiencer/controller/life participant. Now, I know that the separate self is truly an illusion, though I do still get "caught up" in the illusion at times, and have to remember what is true. (Also, while I understand that there is no "me," there is still a feeling of separation from the people and objects around "me," but I've been assuming that that sense will shift as understanding takes a firmer hold.)
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There is a relief in seeing this, in KNOWING that all of the thoughts and emotions are not really attached to anything legitimate, and that concept of the "self" need not be taken seriously as anything "real." Before starting the dialogue, there was great frustration and sense of personal heaviness, a feeling of being on the verge of some understanding that was not being accessed. During this dialogue, a greater sense of lightness and less seriousness has emerged, and the KNOWING that there is no actual "self" has created a new perspective that is deepening with each day. Doubts do still emerge, but they are usually seen for what they are.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Ahhh. Now this bit is tricky for me. I still question whether or not anything specific has literally "pushed me over." My lingering concern is that I understand and know these things as one would from reading a book and having the information really "feel" right. (Which may be perfectly OK) I cannot pinpoint any specific trigger or shift. Yet, there is no question that the excellent guidance has deepened awareness, and pointed to what is real, particularly in being pointed to the fact that thoughts and sensations without sticky labels are just things that happen, etc., without belonging to a separate anyone. So, I LOOK every day, but also find a constant need to reinforce the looking and not revert to "I" and "me" beliefs... So is that typical, or am I "teetering on the edge" still, and need to be beaten with a large stick? :-)
5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
NO, there is definitely the new knowingness that there is NO individual decision/intention/choice/control in Life, but that Life is living. Period. This is so relaxing and refreshing. NO, "I" do not make anything happen, and formerly, "I" was one of those "I-thoughts" that had a huge and overwhelming sense of responsibility about EVERYTHING. Now it is seen how ludicrous and utterly exhausting (and unnecessary) that perspective has been. But "I' do still slip back into it occasionally, and then remind "myself" of the truth. (No, it is actually not my fault that the pine cone fell on the head of that squirrel across the street... ;-)
6) Anything to add?
Just that if more forum dialogue is appropriate, I definitely welcome any additional interaction. However, at this point, my attitude is to allow things to unfold and "watch" the sneaky "I-thought" as best I can!! Being somewhat of a hermit, (LOL) I am NOT one for FACEBOOK involvement at all, but have already purchased the new LU book "LOOK," and am excited about reading it and reviewing the additional wisdom/pointers. Other than that, my desire to continue reading non-duality, etc., has definitely waned. So LOOKING is, I think, replacing any tendency to seek.
Much love,
Emily
